Gay icon Peter Fitzgerald sings a Yuletide jolly.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS
by Peter Fitzgerald (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Oh oh oh!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just my lover and me
We’ve got a goose in the oven,
and vibrating novelties on the tree.
I’m having a gay Christmas! Makes me feel so young.
The lights are glowing, the wind is blowing,
And the stockings are well-hung.
I’m having a gay Christmas, carolers at the door
Each one gets a flavored condom
If I can put it on `em, I give `em one more
I’m having a gay Christmas, shouting Ho Ho Ho!
I sing and dance and unzip my pants
Underneath the mistletoe.
Now, too many people are too uptight,
And they miss the beauty of a silent night
But ask my partner, that’s not how I am
When I poke his long, and he smokes my ham.
I’m having a sissy Christmas, full of yuletide cheer
I’m greasin’ up my chimney `cause between you and me, Santa’s queer!
He’s a bringing a load of presents
I’m gonna wear them all
And if candy canes leave sticky stains,
I’ll return them at the mall.
Now Christmas is a wonderful word
The sexiest word I’ve ever heard.
It starts with Christ, and ends in ass,
And “mm” in between for a great big mass!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just like Jesus did
The thought of him kissing Judas makes me want to molest a kid (no!)
I’m having a gay Christmas, eggnog by the fire
I wax my thighs and fantasize
About the Vienna Boys Choir.
Now Christmas is a time of joy
For every girl and, especially, boy.
And on December 24th, Santa’s pole points north, north, north!
I’m having a gay Christmas, yule log on the tube
I’m making my special icing, and basting the goose with k.y. lube
I’m having a gay Christmas, fruitcakes filled with rum
I shake and bake until I make all ye faithful cum!
Hurry Santa, please! I’m on my knees.
©2004 David Lefkowitz