A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.
Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD
by David Lefkowitz
The story did play on News 12 and Newsday
and it filled up the old Nassau Herald
How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel
To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore
On an affluent part of Long Island
They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks
In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.
Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy
Such a virile and athletic laddie
Like others his age, he thought sports the rage
And he tried to be just like his daddy.
It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team
As a junior varsity halfback
But some other players gave him arrogant stares
He became their continual laughtrack.
He played right along, and he tried to be strong
To show he had no trepidation
It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps
And he longed for the team’s validation.
He managed all right until one summer night
When the team went to north Pennsylvania
As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks
as if gripped by a furious mania.
With nary a sound and no coaches around
The older kids pummeled the juvies
They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor
And then squealed like the guy in the movies.
Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come
When the new guys were forced to get naked
The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin!
If you wanna be one of us, take it!”
The torture began all according to plan
With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik
“You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel
With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”
When that part was fun, they continued the fun
Of pine cone and golf ball inserting.
The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped
And the feces and blood began spurting.
The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned
If they told any parents or teachers.
But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed
You could see the red stains from the bleachers.
The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped
And the town became crazed and divided
A few sent regrets, the others—death threats
Till lawyers and cops were provided.
The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead
How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom
And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried
From the extra-large width of his bottom.
So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge
Of how innocent boys were imperiled.
The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed
and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
©2004 David Lefkowitz