Dave found this beautiful, spiritual hymn sung by presidential candidate Ben Carson. Or at least about him.
Segment originally aired Nov. 14, 2015, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
OH DAT BEN
When I be nine years old, I hit my momma with a hammer.
When I be ten years old, I bashed my brother with a brick.
When I be eleven years old, I went apeshit with a baseball bat.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.
When I be twelve years old, I hit my momma with another hammer.
When I be thirteen years old, I stabbed a classmate in the hip.
When I be fourteen years old, somehow I got hold of yet another hammer.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.
But now I’s a different man, and I gots no anger
I’s got a Yale degree, and I done surgery
So listen, America, from Maine to Alabama
Vote Ben Carson.
And hide yo’ motherfucking hammers.
In July 2014, legendary Australian TV personality Rolf Harris was sentenced to 69 months in prison for molesting numerous under-aged women over the course of two decades. Let’s hear his song, shall we?
Song aired July 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song)
(spoken) There’s an old Australian TV host, resting in his jail cell, surrounded by perverts, murderers, and stockbrokers. So he gets himself up on one elbow, and he turns to his mates, who are examining his hidden stash of child pornography, and he sings to them:
Once I used to be great, mate,
Once I used to be great.
Now just look at my fate, mate,
All the girls are irate – `cause I told them:
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Keep your little mouth shut, slut
Take your Underoos down
She’s a tender young queen, Jean,
She’s a tender young queen
She was only 14, Jean,
She’s a tender young queen
All together now!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Keep your little mouth shut, slut
Take your Underoos down
That girl put me in heaven, Kevin
That girl put me in heaven.
She was only seven, Kevin
That girl put me in heaven.
Everyone!
Untie your Underoos now, slut,
Untie your Underoos now
Don’t you dare start a row, cow,
Untie your Underoos now
That one made me so glum, chum,
That one made me so glum
Filled her bum with my cum, chum,
But she snitched to her mum!
Oh no, now!
Pull your Underoos down, slut,
Pull your Underoos down
Show Uncle Rolfie your butt, slut,
Take your Underoos down
(sad section)
Now, they call me the devil, Neville,
Now they call me the devil
They’ll put me in the gravel, Neville,
Just like they did to Saville
Everyone!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Finger the place that’s brown, don’t frown!
Take your Underoos down
Show me a little bit more, whore
Show me a little bit more
Are you sure you’re only four, whore?
Show Uncle Rolfie some more!
All together now!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
At last, Joey Eugene Gallegos, the Greeley Underwear Bandit, has been apprehended, and here is his song.
For the backstory on this song: http://www.denverpost.com/2013/08/21/greeley-police-arrest-suspected-underwear-thief/
Song aired Aug. 24, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions. (Music: “Dandy,” by Ray Davies)
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
UNDIES
by David Lefkowitz
(sung to the music of “Dandy” by The Kinks)
Undies Undies
Sittin’ in the laundry
Puts me in a quand’ry
The women in this town
Will bring their laundry down
They’ll leave their clothes on spin
Then I’ll sneak in for
Undies Undies
Beautiful selection
Just for my collection
It’s wrong to be a thief
But I need some relief
I know I’m breaking laws
To steal the bras and
Panties Panties
When nobody watches
I sniff the crotches
I’ve got 300 pair
Of ladies’ underwear
It’s wrong, but I don’t care
Because I long for
Undies Undies Undies.
Panties
It’s just a bit of naughty fun
Panties
And now they keep me on the run
Panties
Well, I’m not hurting anyone
`Cause when I get them home I take them from my gunny sack
And once I’ve shot my load in `em, they’re welcome to them back
Oh, Undies Undies
Beautiful selection
Gives me an erection
And when I’m put away
No longer will I play
I’ll sit and dream all day
Of undies all my life
All my life
All my life
All my life . . .
A song about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman confrontation and trial.
Segment aired July 20, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions.
Lyrics & Performance by Dave Lefkowitz. Melody originally written by Sonny West, Bill Tilghman and Norman Petty and made famous by Buddy Holly.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
(c)2010 Dave Lefkowitz NOTE: This St. Patrick’s Day debuted March 17, 2010 on the 325th episode of the “Dave’s Gone By” show. I’m not Irish, but I wish I were `Cause the Irish love their fun When the Irish come to celebrate They don’t stop till the potcheen’s done
So although I’m not an Irishman I can hold my glass up high I can drink just like an Irishman And I will until I die
That is why I’m tight Each and every night Fill my glass, and all will be right When I… Drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk Then drink until I’m sick
Rugby and politics, pour me a shot Mountbatten really deserved what he got Grab me a Guinness; grab me a stout I won’t stop `til it all vomits out When I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick.
Watch me stumble out of the bar Onto the sidewalk and into my car When I come swerving into your lane Hoist up a glass, and we’ll drink up again When we drink, drink, drink `til we’re drunk And drink until we’re sick.
Everyone dresses so festive and gay Wearing the green on St. Paddy’s Day Thanks to the whuskee and thanks to the booze I’m wearing green from my mouth to my shoes When I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick.
Drink `til I stagger, drink `til I fall and cover the sidewalk with throat alcohol Call me a loser, call me a jerk Still, it beats taxes, marriage, and work
So I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick (everybody!) Drink, drink, drink `til you’re drunk And drink until you’re sick (one more time!) Drink, drink, drink `til you’re drunk And drink until you’re sick!
(Note: Sung to the melody of Paul McCartney and John Lennon’s “Yellow Submarine”)
In the dacha where I was born lived a man who sailed the sea When I turned 14 years old they gagged and bound and shanghaied me
So we sailed into the sun Till we crashed into a reef Now we sink beneath the waves And we sing in pain and grief: We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine We all die on this stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
All our friends from other ships Won’t get close to us till it’s too late While the whales and fish and sea We completely contaminate
We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine We all die on this stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
Oxygen is running out and our food supply is far from clean As the crew begins to pray: (sounds of labored breathing)
We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
So we blub inside the sub which I wish I had never seen We’re turning blue, we’re peeing green in this hellhole submarine (spoken) Submarine! (coughs)
We all die on this hellhole submarine hellhole submarine stupid submarine Yes, we all die on a hellhole submarine hellhole submarine hellhole submarine (spoken) Just the men! We all die on this hellhole submarine hellhole submarine…
(c)2005 David Lefkowitz
********************************
NOTES & BACKSTORY: [June 2023] This song was created for my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, as part of the recurring News Gone By segment, which poked fun at news and current events. Here’s how I introduced the song on its Aug. 11, 2005 debut. Note that the story is true, the song stuff, not so much:
“Harrowing news from Russia this week where a mini-submarine became trapped in metal debris at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The sub got tangled in the wires of an underwater monitoring station, leaving only a few days’ supply of oxygen available to the crew—an eerie echo of the Kursk disaster. Russian authorities kept the accident secret the first day. Then they tried to rescue the sub themselves the next day. They accepted help from England and other nations only as time began running out. Rear Admiral Vladimir Pepelyayev told Russian reporters that the crew were keeping their spirits up as best they could: playing cards, telling stories. In fact, before they were miraculously rescued, they actually were able to transmit, by Morse Code, the words and music to a song one of the sailors wrote about the situation. I happen to have it here. In tribute to that brave and saved crew of the AS-28, I’m gonna sing it now. I think it shows their resilience, their spunk, and their hilarious misery.”
A holiday song to warm the cockles of pet lovers’ hearts everywhere.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT
by David Lefkowitz
(spoken) So here it is, just weeks away from Christmas. You’ve shopped for your family, your friends, your special friends, and even bought a trinket for yourself. But oh my gracious, haven’t you forgotten someone? Someone close to you. Loyal, playful, full of love every day of the year. What, oh what will you offer your canine companion?
You can give your dog a toy that would make him leap with joy Or sneak your mutt a mutton cut of prime But when Christmas has come, something special must be done Sometimes tasteful, not expensive but sublime.
You can spend a pretty dollar on a doghouse or a collar You can pamper her or groom him till he glows But the thing I like to do – and I know that he will, too, Is to share the gift of love that overflows.
I’m gonna give my dog an enema for Christmas All dressed up in a Santa Claus disguise Each yuletide without fail, I lift my doggy’s tail And give his little poop chute a surprise.
I’m gonna fill his little anus up with bubbles And rinse his small intestines out with cream I’ll sing a little ode as Bowser’s bowels explode It makes the yuletide pass just like a dream.
I’m gonna pump my pooch with barium for Christmas. And spike it with a pint or two of gin I’ll grease him up with lube, and then insert the tube And stroke his furry muzzle as the tide rolls in.
I’m gonna squeeze the water deep into his anus No longer will he constipated be I’ll pump until he’s sore, and then I’ll squirt some more And maybe save a drop or two for me.
Now, some express dismay at this holiday display They say, “Dave, perhaps the doggy is in pain?” I say, “Yes, he starts in grief, but my goodness, the relief When his doggy doos go doodling down the drain.”
And so I give my dog an enema each Christmas And squeeze the bag of Fleet with all my might As gobs of Christmas cheer come flying out his rear I say, “Merry diarrhea, and to all, a good shite!”
And if you’re wondering what gift to get your spaniel Or how to make a wolfhound howl with glee Buy a nozzle and a bowl and k.y. for his hole And douche your pooch beneath the Christmas tree. I guarantee: you’ll have a merry, messy yuletide spree Yessirree, an excremental Christmas memory.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS
by David Lefkowitz (sung to “Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry & Oakley Haldeman)
We killed Santa Claus We killed Santa Claus We killed Jesus, too Nailed him to a cross No big freakin’ loss Just another cranky Jew
All our life was trouble and strife From the Holocaust to Pogroms. So keep J.C. away from me He’s worse than terrorist bombs.
We kill babies We kill children Use their blood for cake. We own Hollywood We own Wall Street Take take take take take
This is what you’ve said about us For the past 2,000 years Pound, Voltaire, and Charles Baudelaire and any goy who’s had four beers
We killed Santa Claus We killed Santa Claus And we’d do it again Goodbye carols Goodbye crèches No goodwill toward men
You’ve hated us since the birth of Christ So we hate you in return So stick your mass Straight up your ass And burn, Joan of Arc, bitch, burn.
A deeply warped and perverted take on “The Night Before Christmas,” for your holiday pleasure.
Segment originally aired Dec. 30, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SANTASIA
by David Lefkowitz
`Twas the night before Christmas And all through the malls Santa was bouncing young boys on his balls. The children would snuggle all deep in his lap Which is why Santa’s suit had a secret front flap.
His stocking was hung like a pornstar in heat As fidgety children would straddle his meat The mommies would wander and endlessly shop While Santa found nine-year-old cherries to pop.
On Trojan, on Durex, on Hot Rod and Crown His tree would light up when the children went down. With tears in his eyes and beer on his breath, Old Santa would quiver with each little death.
And when he was through, he’d give each child a buck “Ho, ho, ho!” he would say. “And thanks for the fuck!” After every tenth child, he drank juice and rested And gave candy canes to the tykes he molested.
Only twice all day did he excuse himself To visit the men’s room and bugger an elf. And when he was finished, he again took his place With a boy on his lap and a girl on his face.
Then, outside the store, there arose such a ruckus That Santa stopped fondling an eight-year-old’s tuchas. He said, “What the hell?” and jumped flat to the floor As a dozen policemen burst through the door.
“You, in the fat suit! You’ve got quite a nerve.” “Yes, twelve inches long,” said the jolly old perv. “That’s not what I meant,” said Captain O’Flynn. “Now put your hands up and your pecker back in!”
“But what did I do?” Santa said with a shrug. “I just gave them affection . . . and sex and a drug.” “We know who you are, and it’s not Santa Claus. You’re just an old weirdo who breaks Megan’s Laws.”
“But these children love me! They’re all my new friends. So what if there’s blood coming out their rear ends? I treat them as equals regardless of class. `Cause Santa loves fairness, and an ass is an ass. Each child gets a chance to hold Santa’s hand, To stroke Santa’s beard, and yank Santa’s gland. From the brawniest jock to the scrawniest worm, All children are blessed when covered with sperm.”
A whole minute passed `fore the Captain could speak. With a lump in his throat and tears down his cheek. “Forgive me,” he said, “I was quick to accuse. I saw all these youngsters with stained underoos. I just didn’t realize you had such a heart; They’re lucky to have you at this mega-mart. Don’t let us disturb you; we’ll be on our way. Merry Christmas, dear Santa, and have a nice day.”
And quick as a wink, the cops left the store, And Santa went back to his under-age whores. He looked at his penis, all hairy and bent and said, “Thank God five is the age of consent.”
He saw one child laughing and said, “Think that’s funny? I’m gentle compared to my pal, Easter Bunny.” Now, line up in order, and don’t you get fresh. I’m harder than granite and crave sweet young flesh.
He gave the kids candy; he gave the moms cash. He gave the whole town a venereal rash. And when the last child had been raped and defiled Santa Claus looked at his winkie and smiled.
He stood up and leered and did a cute dance And tasted the smears that were left on his pants. The children said, “Santa, where is your sleigh?” “Out there,” he said, pointing to a black Chevrolet.
“Do you have any reindeer? Do you have any toys?” “Just the ones I used on you, girls and boys.”
Said one little girl still rubbing her rear, “Please tell us, dear Santa, you’ll be back next year.” Santa paused for a moment, then leaned down and kissed her. “Of course I will,” he whispered, “if you bring your sister. Now carry my suitcase. I warn you, it’s heavy.” And quick as a wink, they were off to his Chevy.
The engine did rev, and the tires did screech. The upholstery smelled of whiskey and bleach and beer and tobacco and dog diarrhea as off Santa went to the next galleria.
But they heard him exclaim as he drove off the lot, “Merry Christmas to all! Goddamn, that was hot.”
Segment originally aired Dec. 9, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS?
by Rabbi Sol Solomon (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Is it good for the Jews?
Do we win? Do we lose?
Should we laugh? Should we cry?
666 or maybe chai?
Is it righteous
Is it wrong?
Is it relevant to this song?
Weigh the subtext and the clues
As they pertain to Jews.
Ask the Rebbe, ask the mohel
Is it good for Yisroel?
Do we dance or sing the blues
Is it good, goddammit, for the Jew?
Does it mollify? Does it harm?
Does it qualify for alarm?
Is the danger far or near?
Is it joy or oy vey iz mir?
Is it heaven? Is it hell?
Do we gasp, or do we kvell?
A mound of gold or a pile of shoes
Is it good . . . ?