ARCHIVES – Puns – Dave's Gone By

Wretched Pun of Destiny #68: CO-OPS

The 68th Wretched Pun of Destiny airs May 9, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Musician Dean Wareham, of Galaxie 500 and Luna fame, finds himself spending most of his time writing film scores. Tired of commuting to the coast, he looks for apartments in L.A. A friend tells him that actress Elizabeth Hurley owns a gorgeous co-op with a perfect one-bedroom available.

“It’s a great deal,” says the friend, “but be careful. The co-op board is crazy.”

Still, Wareham makes an appointment to meet with them. They tell him to show up at 4:30 in the morning and wear a plastic raincoat. The singer does, and he’s met there by the actress and a half-dozen tenants.

Before Wareham can even sit down, all the board members take bottles of Heinz ketchup and start spraying him, covering him head to foot. Finally, Elizabeth Hurley stops them, holds out her hand, and says, “Welcome, neighbor!”

This may sound like a strange method of apartment hunting, but you know what they say: The Hurley Board Ketchups the Wareham.

Wretched Pun of Destiny #67: BOSTON POPS

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The 67th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment airs on Dave’s Gone By May 2, 2020. Info: davesgoneby.com.

67.

To broaden the repertory of the Boston Pops, conductor Arthur Fiedler starts booking jazz musicians as guest artists. One of the first is avant-garde legend Sun Ra. Fiedler invites the jazzman to his home to rehearse, and Ra brings along his youngest child Seth to play in the backyard with Fiedler’s dog, a giant St. Bernard.

Breaking for lunch, Fiedler comes out of the house and delights to see how much fun Seth is having with the dog. Eager to join in, Fiedler tells the boy, “Watch this!” He climbs on the dog’s back and rides him around the yard.

Pretty soon, a neighbor hears the commotion, looks over the fence at the scene, and sighs to his wife, “I wish Zero Mostel could see this.”

“Zero Mostel?” says the wife. “Why would he care?”

“Because,” says the neighbor, “it’s Sun Ra’s Son Seth, and Fiedler on the Woof.”

Wretched Pun of Destiny #066: EGGS

Hiram was having much success with his egg farm, raising extra-large and jumbo eggs right from the ground. But one morning, he woke to find his crop all cracked, with half-cooked egg white and runny yolks all over the soil.

So he replanted the field, the eggs started growing, and all was fine until, again, one morning, all was cooked and cracked.

So he replanted a third time, and he told his oldest son, “I think I know what’s going on. Tonight we’ll hide in the fields and see for ourselves.”

Hiram and Hiram Jr. did just that: hidden behind some bushes, they camped out overnight and watched the egg field. Just after midnight, three men stole into the field and, with giant canisters, began pouring boiling water all over the eggs.

“Just as I suspected,” Hiram whispered to his son. “Poachers.”

Wretched Pun of Destiny #065: MONASTERY

65. MONASTERY (airs April 18, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By)

It’s been a brutal summer, and all the monks in the local monastery are sweltering—until one early morning when they’re awakened by construction noise coming from the chapel.

The Abbot runs in to see a dozen workmen, a giant machine, and the Mayor with a grin on his face. “Father,” he says, “your neighbors have been so concerned during this heatwave, they pitched in to buy you a central air-conditioner.”

The Abbot stares at the machine, but instead of showing gratitude, he starts imitating the mayor’s movements—every word and gesture.

“What’s the meaning of this?” shouts the Mayor. He goes to grab the Abbot, but the head monk bolts out of the monastery and kneels on the front lawn, where he starts licking the grass—still wet from condensation.

The Mayor turns to the deputy and says, “What on earth is going on?”

The deputy replies, “It’s like that old expression: Monk A.C., Monk Eat Dew.”

INDEX: WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY (list & links)

For listeners with strong constitutions, here are the audio archives and transcripts of THE WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY. You have been warned . . .THE WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY

#066 – Eggs

#065 – Monastery

#064 – Darkroom Equipment

#018 – The Beach Boys

Wretched Pun of Destiny #064 (04/04/2020): DARKROOM EQUIPMENT

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The 64th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.

All content (c)2020 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

64.

Tone Loc, after his wealthy rap career in the `90s, was looking to expand his brand. Not realizing the digital age was around the corner, he decided to partner with Kodak on a range of photographic equipment.

He gets an appointment with Kodak’s Chairman of the Board, who at the time was dating Carole King. She’s there for the meeting and listens to Tone Loc outline his plans for branding equipment like enlargers, magnifiers, and photo paper.

The Chairman of the Board is on board—until the rapper starts talking about darkroom chemicals.

“Absolute not!” says the chair. “People associate rap with drugs, so we’re not putting the Tone Loc name on chemicals.”

“That’s crazy,” says the rapper. “I smoke a little pot, but no hard drugs. And I can sell tons of Kodak merch.”

“He’s right,” Carole King whispers in the chairman’s ear. “He’s got fans all over the world.”

“I dunno,” says the chairman. “Tone Loc enlargers, fine. Tone Loc developing tanks, great. But Tone Loc Silver Bromide Gelatin?”

“Absolutely!” Carole King sings out. “Come on, Baby. Do Tone Loc Emulsion!”

Wretched Pun of Destiny #063 (3/21/2020): OPRY

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The 63rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired March 21, 2020 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.

All content (c)2020 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

63.

To celebrate the upcoming 100th anniversary of the Grand Ole Opry, organizers are planning a major renovation of the auditorium. They call in design experts to plan all the changes, and they book celebrities from many different fields to make the event global.

“One thing,” says the head of the Opry to a small group of workmen and celebrities. “Since his death, the Grand Ole Opry has been haunted by the ghost of Hank Williams. He’s benevolent, but anything we do here, we have to clear with him first.”

“What do you mean?” says Ellen Degeneres, one of the invited celebrities.

“Just go in and talk to him,” says the organizer. “Tell him you’ll be emceeing the show and making cute jokes about country music.”

“How about me?” says basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain.

“Same thing. Tell Hank Williams you’re there to do some trick shots like your early years with the Globetrotters.”

Then an HVAC technician steps up and says, “I’m no celebrity, but I’ve got a chart showing how we can circulate warm air through the building on chilly nights. Do you think he’d want to see that?”

“Absolutely,” says the organizer. “In fact, when we go in, we’ll hit him with the heating chart first, then Ellen makes some jokes, Wilt Chamberlain does his thing, and then you’ll be on the end so you can talk about the chart after Hank Williams takes a look at it.”

“We’ll be sitting in that order?” says the HVAC guy.

“Yup,” says the organizer. “Your Heating Chart, Wilt, Ellen, You.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #062 (6/2/2018): GOLF

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The 62nd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 26, 2018 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.

All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

62.

A golf pro is traveling the country and learns about a course he’d never heard of. Naturally, he has to try it out. He hits the links on a Monday afternoon, but as he’s setting up his first drive, he hears the group in front of him talking a blue streak and using all sorts of foul language. He turns to complain to the group behind him, but they’re yapping away and being just as vulgar.

The golf pro calls their caddy over and says, “This is horrible. The course is gorgeous, but everyone on it swears like a sailor for no reason.”

“Oh, there’s a good reason,” replies the caddy. “This course was built by a man who has Tourette’s Syndrome. He wanted a place where people with his condition could go and play the game they loved without bothering regular folks or being judged.”

“I get it,” says the golf pro. “They sound rude, but they can’t help it.”

“Exactly. The cool part is these folks play in all kinds of weather—showers, thunderstorms, floods. No matter how wet, they always carry the perfect clothes to keep them comfortable. Heck, last year they all put on plastic hats, silicone shoes, and waterproof ponchos and played through a steady downpour on Christmas Day!”

“Christmas Day?” repeated the pro. “Gosh. I guess Rude Golf Tourettes Knows Raingear.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #061 (5/19/2018): ROCK LEGENDS

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The 61st Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 19, 2018 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.

All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

61.

Tickets were snapped up recently when Eric Clapton and Neil Young went on tour together, singing their own and each other’s songs. The fans’ delirium reached a fever pitch when the duo played Los Angeles and announced, to start the encore, that they had a special guest backstage. Out came another rock legend: Neil Diamond, with guitar in hand.

But instead of the trio playing one of his classics, they launched into the old pop song, “Love Will Keep Us Together.” The crowd applauded, but then started shouting for “I’m a Believer” and “Sweet Caroline.” Paying the audience no attention, the musicians then played the novelty hit, “Muskrat Love.” Confused, the audience yelled even harder for Diamond’s “Red, Red Wine” and “Song Sung Blue.”

By the time the musicians struck up the ballad, “Do That to Me One More Time,” everyone was confused and disappointed—except for one smiling guy in the front row. A disgusted fan turned to him and said, “Dude, are you really digging this soft-rock crap?”

“Of course,” said the happy listener. “What else did you expect from The Clapton and Two Neils?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #060 (7/1/2017): CRAIGSLIST

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The 60th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 1, 2017 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

60.

While surfing through Craigslist, a rare book collector comes across a signed first edition of a classic. He calls the seller and says, “Look, I’ve gotta have the book, but the price is high, and I’m short on cash. Would you be willing to barter?”

“Depends,” says the seller. “What can you trade?”

Immediately, the collector grabs three pop-culture items from his stash. He tells the seller, “Here are three options. I’ve got an early Johnny Cash album, on Sun Records, signed and dated by Johnny and June Carter.”

“Not bad,” says the seller. “What else?”

“I’ve also got a handwritten one-act play by Vaclav Havel. He wrote it in prison years before he became president of Czechoslovakia.”

“Very tempting,” says the seller. “Tell me about number three.”

“Third is a rare photograph of Hugh Hefner cutting the ribbon on the first Playboy Club. He’s surrounded by beautiful hostesses, many of whom ended up living with him at the mansion.”

“Wow,” says the seller. “All three are impressive. The hard part is picking which one to trade for the book.”

The collector says, “I know, but you’ve gotta choose one. So will it be Cash, Czech, or Bunny Hoarder?”