ARCHIVES – RABBI SOL SOLOMON – Page 57

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #38 (2/19/2012): Shalom Dammit Live in NYC!

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #38 (2/19/2012): Shalom Dammit Live in NYC!

aired Feb. 18, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgs2DrV7tN4.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 19th, 2012.

(sings, to “Molly Malone”)

“Alive, alive oyyy…
Alive, alive oyyy
Come see me, I’m acting
Alive, alive oyyy.”

Remember a few weeks ago, I did my one man show at the University of Northern Colorado? Of course you don’t; nobody remembers anything anymore. But I’m reminding you. I did a workshop production of my show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, in Greeley, Colorado, just to get an idea whether people would tolerate it.

Well, not only did most audiences tolerate it, some even endured it! Which is why I am bringing my show, Shalom Dammit!, to the next step. I’m gonna do it off-off-Broadway for a week in March, and I’m inviting you all to come.

Shalom Dammit! is a one-man, two-person show with comedy, music and a lot of yelling. It’s my sermon on the problems and joys – but mostly problems – of American-Jewish life in the twenty-first century. I teach the audience some words in Hebrew and Yiddish – words like schmuck and tuchas and pastrami! Ahhhh… pastrami.

I also talk about world religions in a deeply introspective and insulting way. I delve into the middle-east conflict and come up with my hands dirty. Filthy actually. Extremely unsanitary And I touch on such touchy topics as the Holocaust, anti-Semitism, Jews for Jesus, assimilation, alienation and constipation. As you can see, some content is not suitable for children, or anyone for that matter, but hey, it’s New York, so I have to be edgy.

My onstage musical director will be Richard Shore, a talented man who actually went to Harvard and got a doctoral degree from Boston University. See mom? I don’t have to BE a Jewish doctor . . . I got one working for me!

And just in case funny songs and intellectual content and comedy aren’t enough for you, there’s multi-media – I do a PowerPoint. There’s improvisation – I answer your stupid questions. And there’s love, because goddammit, that’s what I’m all about.

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon plays March 13 to 17, at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a sweet little playhouse at 309 East 29th Street near 2nd Avenue. If you blink, you miss the place – so don’t blink!

My show plays only one week, starting March 13th. Tuesday at 2, Thursday-through-Saturday at 2, Wednesday at 7:30. Tickets are only $18. Chai! And if you’re in school or old enough to wear dignity pants, you get a $3 student or senior discount.

Buy your tickets now at brownpapertickets.com. Go figure we’d have a ticket service that sounds like used toilet tissue. Brownpapertickets.com.

And visit ShalomDammit.com for more information about my wonderful show. See it before it gets to Broadway and the only ones who can afford it are goyische anti-Semites with corporate charge accounts.

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon at the Richmond Shepard Theater. It’s the next-best thing to Moshiach.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway star!

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29405

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

Aired Feb. 4, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 5th, 2012.

Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Groundhog poked his tuchas outside the ground and declared that we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter. A gloomy prediction, especially since three days later, Colorado got its first snowstorm in a month and a half.

So in order to brighten your damp and precipitative week, I thought I would share some jokes with you – jokes of a Jewish nature.

The first concerns Sadie, an old Jewish woman, working for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her, showing her everything God gave him.

Sadie looks, and looks, and looks, and finally she sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? We learn two things, both of them contradictory – which is par for the course with virtually everything Talmudic. First, we learn that concentrating, and focusing on what you know best can sometimes protect you from harm. Sadie zoning in on the raincoat instead of the man’s puckel might have spared her embarrassment or shock or even rape. And so, when we are at work and trying to finish a task, if we apply ourselves to that – instead of getting caught up in office politics and gossip and bad advice – we are more likely to complete the job in front of us.

On the other hand, the joke also tells us there is something sad about Sadie. Here’s an old woman, so beaten down by life and work that she doesn’t even notice a naked man poking his peter at her punim. We must not get so wrapped up in our daily burdens, or, for that matter, our hobbies and addictions, that we become oblivious to the wangs in front of our eyes.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. To quote Walt Whitman, “I am large. I contain multitudes.” I just wish I could contain my urine better but, that’s my problem. On to another joke – this one about an old man.

He’s in the hospice, he’s dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says. “Tell me the truth. In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent.

“Rivka? Did you hear me? I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the – ? Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I’m dying. I would just like to know. During our marriage, did you ever schtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried. What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

This is a charming little joke about sex and death, two things that obsess most Jews and gave Woody Allen a career. Perhaps we learn from this joke that we all have to answer for our actions at one point or another. If not today, maybe in a month. If not in a year, maybe in our final days. Maybe in olam haba. So it’s a caution that whenever we embark on doing something that maybe we shouldn’t – maybe we shouldn’t.

Okay, last joke, perfect for the season. Little Yussi is a Russian immigrant, and he’s sitting in grammar school and trying to keep up in English.

The teacher says, “Class: it’s vocabulary time. Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word. Cultivate. Use it in a sentence. Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi. What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

I didn’t say it was a good joke, I just said it was a joke. One could even say it’s a kosher spin on that old line about the weather in Mexico: chili today and hot tamale. Also, it’s a reminder that puns, although specific to a language and dialect, are universal in their power to trick us and make us go, “ohhhhyy, I hate puns.” And if we can all be brought a little closer together through our hatred and disgust, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29411

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.

Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.

Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.

For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

All, right, all right, I’m driving.

“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”

Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .

“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”

I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.

“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right, do what you want, it’s your funeral.”

Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:

“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.

Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”

Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:

“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”

The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores like Aphmau Merch Shop, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.

“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t cheat you on the cold cuts.”

My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.

Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29446

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1/22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1 22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 22nd, 2012.

It is rare for the traditionally downtrodden and fearful Jewish people to have a gay old time. But if they want an old gay time, guess where they should go? Not Christopher Street, not Miami, not Madrid – believe it or not the answer is Tel Aviv.

In a worldwide survey by GayCities.com, Tel Aviv, Israel, was voted the best gay travel destination of 2011. Unfortunately, 2011 is over, so…they kind of missed the boat on promoting it, but still – what a feather in the beret for Israel as a place of tolerance, empathy and, one imagines, musical theater.

Now, I’m sure not all Jews are thrilled about this. The Orthodox Rabbinate is probably wringing their beards over the moral destruction of the holy land whenever two men wanna hold hands and cross pukels. But the rest of us know: live and let live. Just like New York, Tel Aviv has a giant annual Pride Parade, where, just like New York, all the Jews on the sidewalk are too short and can’t see anything. 61 percent – higher than anywhere else in the world – 61 percent of the Israeli population supports gay marriage. As the joke goes, why should straight people be the only ones allowed to be miserable? Gay people even serve openly in the Israeli armed forces. This is not surprising, since a soldier never leaves his buddies’ behind.

But seriously, Israel takes a lot of lumps from Palestinian apologists, self-hating Jewish liberals, anti-Semites and people who look for any excuse to question why America supports Yisroel with money and military hardware. Here is your partial answer: Do you think Syria would make the gay cities list? How about Lebanon? Saudi Arabia? Iran? The so-called new Egypt?

Try being a homosexual in any one of these places and see where it gets you. I’ll tell you where it gets you: pummeled with stones and hanging from a tent with your shmeckel cut off. Granted, some homosexuals may enjoy this, but most would not. Most would prefer the freedom to be what they wanna be in Tel Aviv.

Now, I myself am not gay, but some of my best friends take it up the Hitler hole. And just as Israel itself is a sanctuary for Jews just in case, someday, nowhere else in the world will accept and protect them. Perhaps Tel Aviv can stand as that place for people of the GLBTQAFRZN13Y persuasion. And maybe Haifa will one day be a refuge for the retarded, and quadriplegics will romp in Ramat Gan, and stutterers will hold conventions in Petach Tikvah. Let Israel be the foreign legion: the place where good people with the odds against them can thrive and be winners.

May Tel Aviv stand as a lesson, a goal, a model of how life could be for all of us. Open, free, supportive, and decorated fabulously.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #34 (1/15/2012): Mitt Romney

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #34 (1/15/2012): Mitt Romney

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aired Jan. 14, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bei9IbNpAI

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 15th, 2012.

At the time of this writing, Mitt Romney is the front-runner in the race for Republican Presidential candidate. This is exciting because three weeks ago, Newt Gingrich was the front-runner in the race. Three weeks before that it was Rick Perry, and before that it was Herman Cain the schvartze, before that it was Michelle Bachmann the cuckoo-head, and before that I think it was Danny Bonaduce, and Ted Bundy, and Jayne Mansfield, and the guy who punches himself in the head outside Caribou Coffee. I think Spongebob was in there somewhere, too. And who knows, in three more weeks, we might have another non-Rom in the red-state sweepstakes.

Not that I’m complaining. The longer Republicans can’t figure out what they want, the less time they’ll have to mount a conservative, Christian-based attack on the White House. Not that I love Obama so much but gevalt! If this is the best the Republicans can do after four years, it makes you understand how they settled on the Bush family two decades ago. I wonder if Dick Cheney was sitting in a think tank going, “Okay, we can either have George and George Dubya or… – what? The Menendez Brothers? The Lohans? Does Charlie Manson have any kids?”

Seriously, in politics, what rises to the top is either debris, like Sarah Palin, or an oil slick, like Perry and Romney. It’s a shame, but if you float on the surface, you wash over those who dive deeper.

But here’s what I don’t get. In the Iowa Caucus held two weeks ago, Mitt Romney topped Rick Santorum by eight votes. That’s out of 60,000 votes cast between them. Less than 4,000 votes behind was Ron Paul. In other words, out of nearly a hundred thousand votes cast, less than 4000 votes separated Romney, Santorum and Paul. And yet, a day later, Mitt Romney was all but coronated as the runaway winner.

Now let me be clear: I’d be happy to see Rick Santorum’s bible thumping lead to his quick exodus, and I don’t trust Ron Paul, who never met an embryo he didn’t like or a homosexual he did. But how did a statistical tie and virtual threeway – and not the good kind of virtual threeway you see on Redtube – how did this dead heat immediately become a landslide win for mighty Mitt? Is it because the Republicans did not want to spend millions fighting a battle they figured Romney would eventually win anyway? Is it because everyone in both parties is shaking in their boots over Ron Paul, because like him or not, he’s the only real game changer? Or is it simply because Mitt Romney looks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and George Hamilton, and thinks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and Max Headroom?

Barring an economic collapse between now and November, Barack Obama has a strong shot at another four years. So maybe the real story of the GOP is, “look, we run Romney now, go easy on the war chest, so we can bring out the big guns in 2016.” Of course, by current Republican standards, the big gun could be Fred Phelps or Jack van Impe.

As a liberal, and as a middle-aged man jealous of anyone with a full head of hair, I can’t see voting for Romney. But if you’re not going to support him, please don’t support him for the right reasons. It bothers me when people say Romney is unelectable simply because he’s a Mormon. It’s like a dirty word; it’s like voodoo to some people. “Ooh, he must be crazy because he believes in a crazy religion.” As if Judaism and Christianity weren’t based on fairy tales and sanctimony. Not to mention sanctimonious fairy tales.

Look, if you’ve ever stayed in a Marriott or watched the BYU Cougars in the NCAA, you know that crazy does not mean incompetent. And as a Jew, I also feel a kinship with the Mormons. We both believe in rules written on giant tablets. We both wear amusing undergarments. (Mine happen to have yellow stains on the front, but that’s not religion, that’s prostatitis.) We both think there’s something to be said for having one god and many wives. And finally, we both believe that the United States of America is a magnificent and even blessed place. Or at least it was until the last gang of Republicans got through with it.

So if the 2012 G.O.P. candidate for president is, indeed, going to be Mitt Romney, I wish him a clean, fair, exciting and losing battle. Not that I wish him ill, but it’s the quickest path to his obvious true calling: future game-show host on Fox. Hey, if he were up against Santorum on CBN and Michelle Bachman on “Bridezillas” he’d get my vote. Just, not against Ron Paul on Public Access.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29457

Dave’s Gone By Interview (1/14/2012): RABBI RAMI SHAPIRO & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews author Rabbi Rami Shapiro

Topics include: spirituality, Judaism.

Segment originally aired Jan. 14, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Interview (1/14/2012): GARY MORRIS & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews actor and singer Gary Morris

Topics include: Shlomo Carlebach, country music, Soul Doctor.

Segment originally aired Jan. 14, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Complete Original Broadcast: http://www.totaltheater.com/?q=node/4420

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

aired Dec. 17, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Newt Gingrich

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 18th, 2011.

What do you do when a man who represents so many wrong things gets one thing incredibly, magnificently right?

That is the question facing voters following Newt Gingrich’s performance in the G.O.P. debates last week. Asked about his unwavering support for Israel, the presidential candidate made clear that Israel is a friend, and that the Arabs are no friend to Israel.

He reminded the world that, quote, “every day, rockets are fired into Israel” – something people forget when they bitch about Israel’s aggressiveness or targeting of Hezbollah.

Gingrich also said the magic words, “It’s fundamentally time for somebody to stand up and say, `enough lying about the middle east,’” unquote. Considering that every other liberal is a Palestinian apologist, and every news program bends over backwards to make it look like Israel and Hamas are two sides of the same coin, it’s a pleasure to hear somebody say, “No, Israel is a legitimate homeland, the Arabs invented Palestinia just to have a grudge.”

Naturally, the media jumped on Gingrich saying, “well, of course there’s a Palestine, and of course some Arabs lived there.” And the Arabs jumped on him for saying they’re terrorists. Talk about the pot calling the camel black.

And just to seal the deal of Newt being a mensch on this, he also reminded the world that Hamas and the Palestinians still refuse to recognize Israel as a place on the map. Which means if you’re in Jordan, and you wanna take a dip in the Mediterranean, you’d better take a pretty goddamn long jump.

Now, Mitt Romney admonished Gingrich for stirring the pot, for inciting the Arabs with his words. But Mitt, if the Arabs are so peaceful and non-violent, why are you terrified of what they might do?

Just to be clear, Romney and the other candidates also affirmed their support for Israel. They ganged up on Gingrich, but it’s not like he’s the only one saying rah-rah Jewish homeland. Does this mean the Republicans are pandering to the Jewish vote? Sure! And more power to them! Pander pander pander! Makes a nice change from us having to go to Obama and grovel sometimes. Not all the time – he’s a friend – but sometimes.

Politicians on both sides pander to every special interest group, from oil frackers to casino builders, so if Republicans wanna make nice-nice to the only democracy in the middle east, I’m down with that. And if Newt Gingrich is the only one with the stones to really tell it like it is, that should be taken into consideration.

Alas for him, we also have to take into consideration that Newt is anti-gay, anti-art funding, and not exactly a fan of separating church from state. Last week he called my house. Well, not him, some kind of automatic tape recorder. It called my house to lambaste Obama and decry the way America has gone downhill under his stewardship. So I heard the usual Republican shpiel about taxes, and too much government and taking America back. But Newt also tossed in the word “secular.” In a negative way. We must rescue America from the godless blue staters and their secular ways.

Well, “sec” on this, Newt. America may be one nation under God, but it ain’t for you to say which God that is. For me, it’s HaShem. For you it’s the bearded guy. For the Chinese, it’s a bunch of dead ancestors. Which must be pretty confusing for a Chinese kid wondering which god to ask for a bike for Christmas. “Is it great-great-grandma Chong? No, she only gives musical instruments. What about Uncle Gao from the Tang Dynasty? No he’s the one who pays you when your teeth fall out. Crap, I know I’ll get another sweater, I know it!”

But I digress. Let’s give a qualified cheer to Newt Gingrich. I can’t say he has my vote, but he has my gratitude for pushing past the platitudes with the fortitude and certitude of his attitude. Keep at it, dude.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-16f

Dave’s Gone By Interview (12/17/2011): SEAN ALTMAN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews musician and “Jewmongous” creator Sean Altman

Topics include: Rockapella, Jewmongous

Segment originally aired Dec. 17, 2011 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #32 (12/11/2011): Post Office (lefkowitz)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #32 (12/11/2011): Post Office

Aired Dec. 10, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Post Office

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 11th, 2011.

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor gloom of night, nor budget cuts will stay these couriers from the swift completion of – oh, wait, the budget-cut part. Yeah, that’ll keep them from their appointed rounds.

Starting in 2012, the United States post office will continue doing what every other company in America is doing – charging more and giving less. First, they’re gonna raise the price of a stamp from 44 cents to 45 cents. A penny for your thoughts? Oh, I think they know what we’re thinking.

But okay, it’s only a cent, and it’s easier to make change with 45 than 44 anyway. But wait, there’s more. They’re also going to close processing centers and fire workers, meaning that delivery of first-class mail will slow down by a day or two. Just what customers in a society that demands everything yesterday want. No wonder people are P.O.’d at the P.O.

But, let’s be honest. Does anybody really send a first-class letter expecting it to be there the next day? If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, you empty your wallet and you give it to FedEx. Or a courier service. Or a really stocky carrier pigeon.

Honestly, this whole business of first-class mail not getting first-class service – we’re used to that. If you still pay bills the old-fashioned way, write the checks a day or two earlier, just to be on the safe side. And if you’re expecting pharmaceuticals in the mail, well, you can suffer a few hours of pain and distress. It’ll just make you appreciate the medicine more when it finally arrives.

But it won’t arrive on a Saturday. That’s right, Uncle Sam will also do away with all weekend delivery. While it’s nice that they want to take Shabbos off, does it occur to you like it does to me that the post office is making cuts that will only result in people using them less? It’s a vicious cycle: revenues are down, so prices go up and services get cut, leading customers use more email, fax and Skype. This brings revenues further down. Prices go even higher, more services get cut, customers start using snail mail only for emergencies. Which makes revenues go down, prices go – all right, you get what I’m saying.

How about a new model? The post office is almost bankrupt anyway, so why not try something radical? Five cents to mail a postcard. Ten cents for a letter, $3 to mail a Christmas gift. Already, overnight mail is half the price of UPS and FedEx, but add guaranteed delivery and tracking. Make the USPS the first choice rather than the last resort. Give people a reason to run to the Post Office – “Ooh, I can send my uncle a birthday card for a dime.” “Wow, I can send my kid a care package for camp and have money left over to throw in two more candy bars.” “Hey, if I send an envelope filled with anthrax to a politician, I know it’ll be there in time for me to alert the media.”

I realize the postal service is in terrible, $14 billion debt, and that mail carriers would rather face a backyard full of Dobermans than the digital revolution. But you have two options in this world. Either you adapt and change. Or you keep doing what you’ve always done at your highest standard – and somehow find ways to make that as appealing as it used to be. Think about it. People either want a brand new Honda Civic with heated seats, satellite radio, anti-lock brakes, or they want a 1958 Plymouth Fury, painted, restored and polished to a T. What they don’t want is a 1972 Ford Pinto with a broken aerial and just enough horsepower to get you to the Safeway in one piece.

I just hope the post office brings its jalopy to the shop before it crashes on the information super highway. And when those 28,000 workers get laid off next year, well, the post office can save about 13 grand if they send the pink slips via email. Just a thought.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29464