Rabbinical Reflection – Page 6

Dave’s Gone By Skit: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #54 (1/27/2013): THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS

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Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #54 (1/27/2013): THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS

Aired January 26, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnXLGyFEdC0

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 26th, 2013.

Let’s say I go to the supermarket and buy a box of donuts. “Why am I eating that?”, you ask. “Well,” I say, “donuts are a health food.” “Health food?” I hear you gasp. “But they’re loaded with sugar and white flour.” “Yes, but they’re a health food,” I reply. “But they’re glazed with chocolate coating made out of corn syrup,” you counter. “I don’t care, they’re a health food,” I persist. “But look at the box!” you yell. “Half the ingredients are red dyes and preservatives and fiberglass insulation.” “You’re making wayyy too much of that,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

And now you start screaming, “But if you eat donuts, you get fat, your teeth rot, eventually you’ll risk heart disease and diabetes.” “Oh, don’t be so politically incorrect,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

Sounds crazy, right? Like I should have my head examined for not admitting what’s plainly in front of my face – or in my stomach.

Fine. How many times have we heard left-wing pundits and middle-east apologists say that Islam is the religion of peace? That’s the big slogan – religion of peace. And no amount of 9/11’s or Munichs or Lockerbies or Benghazis will convince these people that maybe Islam isn’t such a friendly how-do-ya-do.

“Oh, it’s just a small faction; it’s just the radicals,” comes the response. True. The millions and millions of Muslims in this world aren’t out there blowing up embassies any more than every NRA member is out there shooting up schools. However, no other religion since Christianity in the Middle Ages has caused so much needless, vicious and sociopathic bloodshed. Except, perhaps, the Death to Disco Movement of the 1970s, but they had a point.

So this time, the horror springs from Algeria – instead of Iran or Pakistan or Egypt or Syria – or, well, point to a map of the Middle East and find an Arab country that isn’t a killing field. Last week, a hostage crisis in Algeria resulted in more than two dozen civilian dead, including one American. Plus, 32 dead hostage takers, or, as I like to call them, refuse.

The Algerian government is being blamed for jumping the gun on its rescue mission. After three days of a bloody stand-off, Algerian troops stormed the gas plant that was under siege – which resulted in pretty much everyone dying. Mainly because the terrorists began executing the hostages once the fun started.

Other countries are now saying, “Oh, we weren’t informed, we could have done it better, we could have ended this with more survivors, blah di bloo di blah.” Algeria’s position is, “Sorry, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.” And to that, may I add, especially not terrorists who are killing the hostages anyway, who are strapped to the gills with explosives, and who come from a radical culture where suicide is the expected outcome of a violent event. Kind of tough to negotiate with someone who actually wants you to shoot him. It’s like going up to an alcoholic at a party and saying, “Look, I can either drive you home, or I can pour you another scotch.” That’s a win-win either way for the booze-hound.

Terrorists are sick, desperate people who can be dealt with in only the most extreme, desperate ways. Like full-on raids, waterboarding and being forced to watch “Teen Mom 2.”

We can mince words all we want so as not to offend Saudi Arabia and Qatar and UAE and other countries that could afford to buy the Statue of Liberty and sell it back to us in pieces. However, until every country, east and west, takes full action in crushing radical, violent Islam, we’re just gonna get more Algerias, more World Trade Centers, more Koran-concocted carnage. Just ask Israel, which has endured sixty years of anti-Semitism and anti-Americanism disguised as Palestinian nationalism. Israel realizes: the only way to say “no more” is to say, “no,” more. And that means, when terrorism rears its ugly covered head, you gotta put the religion of peace in a world of pain.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2013 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.
–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29250

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

Aired December 8, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/E8lvJUkZOQs

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 9th, 2012.

Happy Chanukah everybody! What a joy to find ourselves lighting the menorah, spinning the dreidel, eating the latkes, and making believe we’re not jealous of the people across the street celebrating Christmas. December, the very fulcrum of winter, is the perfect time for a holiday that brings us all together for food and fun. Actually, January would be better because December is still close to Thanksgiving and you have more football, but I’m not one to bitch.

To be honest, Chanukah is not the most important holiday. Passover, when we got the hell out of Egypt, that was bigger. Shavuot, where God gave us the Torah – that’s a big one, too. Yom Kippur, where we beg HaShem to forget what a bunch of schmucks we are, pretty major. Chanukah merely celebrates a military victory. Jerusalem was under the control of Syrians and Greeks who forbade the practice of Judaism. Matisyahu – not the reggae, the rebel – Matisyahu and his family rebelled, killed a few people, and took to the hills for training. They came back as an army and forced the Greeks out of the Holy Land.

When Jews went to re-claim the great temple, they saw that it had been defiled. Pigs were slaughtered on the altar. False idols were placed in positions of worship. A giant screen was tuned to QVC. The Jews immediately set about purifying the synagogue. And they probably also repainted a little because there was chipping and you could see the primer. Anyhoo, they started to burn some ritual oil in the candelabra. There was only a teeny bit left, so they figured it would burn for a day or two. What a shock when that minuscule drop of oil stayed lit for eight full days. I had an uncle who stayed lit for ten days, but it took him a case of Jack Daniels to do it. Eight days was just long enough to re-consecrate the temple, long enough to make our children say, “Eh, it’s just chocolate money, but we get it for a week!”

What is the modern significance of Chanukah? What do we learn from this Festival of Lights? First of all, we learn that you can do almost anything if you put your mind to it. One Jewish family defied the laws of the land and created a revolution. Instead of bowing before the Greeks – because we all know, Greeks like it when people bend over – they triumphed as the Maccabees. “Mac” because they became the Syrians’ mac daddies; “bees” because they stung the enemy in the tuchas.

We also learn that miracles happen if you let a little faith go a long way. Have you ever bought a lightbulb that was supposed to last a year, and a decade later, the thing’s still working? It happens. In the hands of HaShem, time is a malleable construct. Sometimes, when I give a sermon, people tell me they look at their watch and it’s been twenty minutes – but it feels like seven hours. A miracle!

Most importantly, we learn from the Chanukah holiday that things can look as bleak and horrible as the schmutz on the bottom of a toaster oven. But HaShem gives us the blessing of change. To quote Bob Dylan, “The wheel’s still in spin.” 2,200 years ago, the Temple was trashed and out of Jewish hands, and then, a week later, it’s ready for kosher catering. So when we look at the crisis in the middle east, or the fiscal cliff, or the music of Kid Rock, we have to say, “It’s all right. The world turns, and nothing truly lasts forever. Except an Orthodox seder.”

But that’s a different holiday. This one is Chanukah with candles and dreidels and latkes and Adam Sandler and jelly donuts and, thanks to fracking, enough oil to last eight centuries.

Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of plexiglass.
And if you don’t like Chanukah,
Then you can kiss my sexy ass.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29312

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #46 (10/7/2012): Dave’s Gone By Anniversary

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #46 (10/7/2012): Dave’s Gone By Anniversary

Aired October 7, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Dave’s Gone By Anniversary.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 7th, 2012.

Ten years ago, on a little radio station in Merrick, New York, my good friend Dave Lefkowitz took it upon himself to create a radio program. A program that would mix funny and serious, music and talking, celebrities and nobodies, all with a healthy dose of low-power, AM radio static. He called it “Dave’s Gone By,” and the program debuted October 6th, 2002.

Reaction was immediate. Not since the invention of the Happy Hot Dog Man has an event been met with such a breathtaking combination of loathing and apathy. And yet Dave persevered, week after week, month after month (and on the Hebrew calendar, we sometimes have 13 months a year, so that’s even longer), year after year until here we are, a decade later. For reasons only HaShem knows, Dave’s Gone By is still on the radio, still maintaining its unique format, still passing for entertainment.

Many Jews have been guests on Dave’s Gone By. Not as many as I’d like, but still. Fyvush Finkel, Bruce Adler, Shecky Greene, Robby Benson, Gilbert Gottfried, Bonnie Franklin, Joe Franklin, Tovah Feldshuh – with that name, she actually counts as two Jews – Neil Sedaka, Jill Sobule, Theodore Bikel, Oscar Brand, David Bromberg, Sheldon Harnick – the list goes on and on, much as I do in temple.

Most importantly, though, ten years ago I was in that dilapidated little radio station taking part in the very first Dave’s Gone By episode. Before I began doing my weekly Rabbinical Reflections, Dave would have me on his program occasionally to celebrate the Jewish holidays, to offer my thoughts on current events, and to perform the occasional circumcision on his political enemies.

I remember my very first appearance on the show. As a public service for women listening in the audience, I explained the importance of checking yourself for breast cancer. I even demonstrated, squeezing my own man-kneidels to look for lumps. I would have preferred a female volunteer but no one entered the contest, and the last girl I tried that with screamed “rape,” so I made do with what I had.

Since that time in 2002, I have appeared on dozens of Dave’s Gone By episodes conducting interviews, singing, bestowing blessings, and every single time I am grateful to my friend, Dave, for giving me the opportunity to reach his loyal single-digit listenership. Now that he is on this exciting radio station at the University of Northern Colorado, I hope to keep sharing my Rabbinical Reflections for many years to come, offering, as always, a little thought, a little laughter, and a lot of yelling.

That is why I would like to close today’s reflection with a special blessing for Dave and his radio show.

(sings) Baruch atah Duvid Lefkowitz, entertainer, melech of the mic. You make no money but you persevere. You’re the bagel, I’m the shmear. We’re all glad you’re here. Amen.

Happy Anniversary, Duvid. And good luck finding a real job someday.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

Aired September 29, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://youtu.be/5EnyHNhpAwA

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 30th, 2012.

When was the last time you gave a rat’s tuchas about a subway advertisement? You’re walking on the platform at 42nd Street or 14th Street, and what do you pass? There’s an ad for a new horror movie that looks horrible. There’s an ad for a new Kevin James film that looks even more horrible than the horror movie. Then you get those ads from the MTA warning you to watch the gap or if you see something, say something. Which is ridiculous, because if you spoke out every time you saw something weird or scary on the subway, you’d never shut up!

But this past week has put the New York subways in the news in a way they haven’t been since those flash mobs had people climbing aboard wearing no pants. How I missed that, I do not know. I keep hoping I’ll see women with no pants on the M-4 bus, but no luck. I’ve seen one or two pantsless men, but that was not a political statement, those were homeless guys getting too friendly with my leg.

Anyhoo, this week, an organization called the American Freedom Defense Initiative won the legal right to put up posters in the New York subway system. In big white letters on a black background, they have this quote: “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man,” unquote. Underneath, in blue letters, it says, “Support Israel.” Under that, in red letters, “Defeat Jihad.”

As you might expect, a firestorm of controversy has greeted this ad campaign, with Arabs freaking out, and Jews who are afraid of Arabs freaking out even more. Now, it’s hard to argue with the basic message: When you have one country that is a friend to the United States and is the only democracy in the middle east, you have to support it. When you have an ideology that is bent on destroying Western civilization through fear, violence and torture, it’s probably a good idea to oppose it.

First, let’s put the quote in context. It originally comes from novelist Ayn Rand, a Jewish Russian who wrote two great and very, very, very, very, very, very long books called “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead.” In 1973, Rand was upset about the Yom Kippur War – you know, the one where the Arabs attacked Israel on the holiest day of the year? And she made some seriously anti-Arab remarks that went a lot farther than the 18 words paraphrased in the subway ad. Still, considering the circumstances, her anger and racism were, if not excusable, certainly understandable in context.

And it’s hard to argue with the text of the ad. “Jihad” means religious war. It is the struggle of Muslims against anything remotely threatening to their way of life. Unfortunately, that could be anything from defending the ancient Byzantine Empire to putting a price on Salman Rushdie’s head. Or worse, cutting off Theo Van Gogh’s head.

And let’s not forget that happy little day in September 2001 when Al Qaida decided to teach America a lesson in religious tolerance and brotherhood.

But okay, I am not immune to the subtleties of language. If you call one group savages, and then you say “support Israel,” there is a coded message that over-generalizes. Even though the advertisement doesn’t say all Muslims are savages, there’s still a nasty undertone. It’s like when people say Midwesterners won’t get a joke because it’s too New York – we know what they really mean.

And so, the call has gone out to take the posters down, Arab-American protesters have been arrested for spray-painting over them, twats are tweeting on their twitters that the ad is just throwing gasoline on the fires of racial intolerance from both sides.

How do I feel about the whole thing? Thank you for asking. First of all, I agree with the message of the poster 100 percent, but only IF we take Jihad to mean the darkest, worst part of the Muslim credo. Others have pointed out that “holy war” does not have to be violent, and that an Arab rejecting a ham sandwich is obeying Jihad, just the way a Jew rejecting bacon is obeying Kashrut. Except the Jew has it harder because bacon is soooo good.

The wording of the sign is inflammatory, or at least uncomfortable, especially in the subway. It’s an underground, closed-in space, and if I were standing next to a Muslim next to that sign, I’d feel ooky – just as ooky as I do when I’m on the train and some asshole bellows a verse of “Amazing Grace” hoping people will give him money so he won’t sing the second verse.

There are better places and better ways to make the case for defending Israel, and for keeping our guard up against the Ahmadinejads and the Mullahs – and the Bin Ladens and the Arafats and the small number of Arab Muslims who force us to hate and fear the millions of Muslims who are not savages. Well, except when they’re watching soccer.

If only they would change the sign to read, “Support Israel. Stop Terrorism.” Or, “Support Peace, Ban the Taliban.” Something we can all get behind. In any war between the subtext and the urtext, be careful with both.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29327

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

Aired March 24, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AONO3DfOp1k&t=141s

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 25th, 2012.

Well, I am back in Colorado after doing my big, whopping, $1.98 off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway show: Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Me, Rabbi Sol Solomon. We did five performances at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a playhouse so off the beaten path, the Bermuda Triangle goes there to vacation.

But somehow, people made it to the theater on East 26th Street. They came to see me talk about Jewish life, religion, the middle east, assimilation, the Holocaust and other hilarious topics for a night at the theater. My musical director, Richard Shore, and I, had a marvelous time rehearsing, playing, cutting, trimming, making the best show we possibly could for the least amount of money we could possibly get away with.

Well, my friends, there is no accounting for taste, which is why I am shocked but delighted to say that Shalom Dammit! the stage show received its first review – and it’s a rave! And not like one of those raves where teenagers lick yellow decals and then start shtupping the walls – no! Our show in New York got a review so good, I’d like to cover it with sour cream and eat it with a soup spoon.

It’s by Elizabeth Ahlfors, of CityCabaret.com, and it’s published on TotalTheater.com. Now: full disclosure – Dave Lefkowitz, the host of this show, also works for TotalTheater.com and he edits the writing of Elizabeth Ahlfors for publication. Their dealings are purely professional, so apart from some bribery money changing hands, her review is absolutely heartfelt and legitimate. Which is more than I can say for my show.

If you don’t believe me, read the full review of Shalom Dammit! at TotalTheater. In it she says things like – and I quote – “A comedy, a passionate sermon, a witty diatribe, a musical. It’s all of the above – in full-volume yelling.” Me? Yelling? She must have me confused with . . . every other middle-class Jewish man in the world.

Ms. Ahlfors also says about me that I’m “ebullient, angry (because why shouldn’t I be?), opinionated, outspoken, supremely self-confident and hilarious!” No one’s called me hilarious since that time I farted on the bimah during Yom Kippur. And let’s face it, that’s an easy gag for a captive audience.

She closes her big review with the best line of all: “Shalom Dammit!, with all its fervor and fury, is a good time.” That’s a money review, ladies and gentleman. And I paid good money for it.

So now we shall see the next step in the commercial path of Shalom Dammit!. We may come back in April and do a couple more shows. We may hit a fringe festival or two . . . because my tallis has award-winning fringes. Or who knows? We may play the occasional Jewish center, nursing home or women’s prison.

If you saw Shalom Dammit! in New York and you agree with this review, do your part! Tell family and friends and people you no longer want to be your friends that you can’t wait to see Shalom Dammit! in your bedraggled town or village. You must know people with money – you’re Jewish! Tell them a couple of hundred dollars they can be investors and gain the satisfaction of knowing they’ll never see that money again, but they’ll have helped spread yiddishkeit, love and possibly herpes to theatergoers all over America.

My thanks go out to Elizabeth Ahlfors, the brilliant, insightful critic; to Richard Shore, to Richmond Shepard, to Bill the stage manager and Jeff the box-office boychick, and to everyone who visited the Richmond Shepard Theater to partake in Shalom Dammit! the show.

Not to paraphrase Hitler but: today East 26th Street, tomorrow West 26th Street!

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway hit!

Note: here is the review: http://www.totaltheater.com/?q=node/4470

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

Aired Feb. 4, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 5th, 2012.

Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Groundhog poked his tuchas outside the ground and declared that we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter. A gloomy prediction, especially since three days later, Colorado got its first snowstorm in a month and a half.

So in order to brighten your damp and precipitative week, I thought I would share some jokes with you – jokes of a Jewish nature.

The first concerns Sadie, an old Jewish woman, working for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her, showing her everything God gave him.

Sadie looks, and looks, and looks, and finally she sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? We learn two things, both of them contradictory – which is par for the course with virtually everything Talmudic. First, we learn that concentrating, and focusing on what you know best can sometimes protect you from harm. Sadie zoning in on the raincoat instead of the man’s puckel might have spared her embarrassment or shock or even rape. And so, when we are at work and trying to finish a task, if we apply ourselves to that – instead of getting caught up in office politics and gossip and bad advice – we are more likely to complete the job in front of us.

On the other hand, the joke also tells us there is something sad about Sadie. Here’s an old woman, so beaten down by life and work that she doesn’t even notice a naked man poking his peter at her punim. We must not get so wrapped up in our daily burdens, or, for that matter, our hobbies and addictions, that we become oblivious to the wangs in front of our eyes.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. To quote Walt Whitman, “I am large. I contain multitudes.” I just wish I could contain my urine better but, that’s my problem. On to another joke – this one about an old man.

He’s in the hospice, he’s dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says. “Tell me the truth. In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent.

“Rivka? Did you hear me? I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the – ? Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I’m dying. I would just like to know. During our marriage, did you ever schtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried. What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

This is a charming little joke about sex and death, two things that obsess most Jews and gave Woody Allen a career. Perhaps we learn from this joke that we all have to answer for our actions at one point or another. If not today, maybe in a month. If not in a year, maybe in our final days. Maybe in olam haba. So it’s a caution that whenever we embark on doing something that maybe we shouldn’t – maybe we shouldn’t.

Okay, last joke, perfect for the season. Little Yussi is a Russian immigrant, and he’s sitting in grammar school and trying to keep up in English.

The teacher says, “Class: it’s vocabulary time. Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word. Cultivate. Use it in a sentence. Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi. What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

I didn’t say it was a good joke, I just said it was a joke. One could even say it’s a kosher spin on that old line about the weather in Mexico: chili today and hot tamale. Also, it’s a reminder that puns, although specific to a language and dialect, are universal in their power to trick us and make us go, “ohhhhyy, I hate puns.” And if we can all be brought a little closer together through our hatred and disgust, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29411

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.

Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.

Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.

For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

All, right, all right, I’m driving.

“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”

Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .

“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”

I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.

“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right, do what you want, it’s your funeral.”

Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:

“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.

Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”

Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:

“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”

The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores like Aphmau Merch Shop, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.

“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t cheat you on the cold cuts.”

My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.

Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29446

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1/22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1 22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 22nd, 2012.

It is rare for the traditionally downtrodden and fearful Jewish people to have a gay old time. But if they want an old gay time, guess where they should go? Not Christopher Street, not Miami, not Madrid – believe it or not the answer is Tel Aviv.

In a worldwide survey by GayCities.com, Tel Aviv, Israel, was voted the best gay travel destination of 2011. Unfortunately, 2011 is over, so…they kind of missed the boat on promoting it, but still – what a feather in the beret for Israel as a place of tolerance, empathy and, one imagines, musical theater.

Now, I’m sure not all Jews are thrilled about this. The Orthodox Rabbinate is probably wringing their beards over the moral destruction of the holy land whenever two men wanna hold hands and cross pukels. But the rest of us know: live and let live. Just like New York, Tel Aviv has a giant annual Pride Parade, where, just like New York, all the Jews on the sidewalk are too short and can’t see anything. 61 percent – higher than anywhere else in the world – 61 percent of the Israeli population supports gay marriage. As the joke goes, why should straight people be the only ones allowed to be miserable? Gay people even serve openly in the Israeli armed forces. This is not surprising, since a soldier never leaves his buddies’ behind.

But seriously, Israel takes a lot of lumps from Palestinian apologists, self-hating Jewish liberals, anti-Semites and people who look for any excuse to question why America supports Yisroel with money and military hardware. Here is your partial answer: Do you think Syria would make the gay cities list? How about Lebanon? Saudi Arabia? Iran? The so-called new Egypt?

Try being a homosexual in any one of these places and see where it gets you. I’ll tell you where it gets you: pummeled with stones and hanging from a tent with your shmeckel cut off. Granted, some homosexuals may enjoy this, but most would not. Most would prefer the freedom to be what they wanna be in Tel Aviv.

Now, I myself am not gay, but some of my best friends take it up the Hitler hole. And just as Israel itself is a sanctuary for Jews just in case, someday, nowhere else in the world will accept and protect them. Perhaps Tel Aviv can stand as that place for people of the GLBTQAFRZN13Y persuasion. And maybe Haifa will one day be a refuge for the retarded, and quadriplegics will romp in Ramat Gan, and stutterers will hold conventions in Petach Tikvah. Let Israel be the foreign legion: the place where good people with the odds against them can thrive and be winners.

May Tel Aviv stand as a lesson, a goal, a model of how life could be for all of us. Open, free, supportive, and decorated fabulously.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #34 (1/15/2012): Mitt Romney

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #34 (1/15/2012): Mitt Romney

click above to listen (audio file)

aired Jan. 14, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bei9IbNpAI

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 15th, 2012.

At the time of this writing, Mitt Romney is the front-runner in the race for Republican Presidential candidate. This is exciting because three weeks ago, Newt Gingrich was the front-runner in the race. Three weeks before that it was Rick Perry, and before that it was Herman Cain the schvartze, before that it was Michelle Bachmann the cuckoo-head, and before that I think it was Danny Bonaduce, and Ted Bundy, and Jayne Mansfield, and the guy who punches himself in the head outside Caribou Coffee. I think Spongebob was in there somewhere, too. And who knows, in three more weeks, we might have another non-Rom in the red-state sweepstakes.

Not that I’m complaining. The longer Republicans can’t figure out what they want, the less time they’ll have to mount a conservative, Christian-based attack on the White House. Not that I love Obama so much but gevalt! If this is the best the Republicans can do after four years, it makes you understand how they settled on the Bush family two decades ago. I wonder if Dick Cheney was sitting in a think tank going, “Okay, we can either have George and George Dubya or… – what? The Menendez Brothers? The Lohans? Does Charlie Manson have any kids?”

Seriously, in politics, what rises to the top is either debris, like Sarah Palin, or an oil slick, like Perry and Romney. It’s a shame, but if you float on the surface, you wash over those who dive deeper.

But here’s what I don’t get. In the Iowa Caucus held two weeks ago, Mitt Romney topped Rick Santorum by eight votes. That’s out of 60,000 votes cast between them. Less than 4,000 votes behind was Ron Paul. In other words, out of nearly a hundred thousand votes cast, less than 4000 votes separated Romney, Santorum and Paul. And yet, a day later, Mitt Romney was all but coronated as the runaway winner.

Now let me be clear: I’d be happy to see Rick Santorum’s bible thumping lead to his quick exodus, and I don’t trust Ron Paul, who never met an embryo he didn’t like or a homosexual he did. But how did a statistical tie and virtual threeway – and not the good kind of virtual threeway you see on Redtube – how did this dead heat immediately become a landslide win for mighty Mitt? Is it because the Republicans did not want to spend millions fighting a battle they figured Romney would eventually win anyway? Is it because everyone in both parties is shaking in their boots over Ron Paul, because like him or not, he’s the only real game changer? Or is it simply because Mitt Romney looks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and George Hamilton, and thinks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and Max Headroom?

Barring an economic collapse between now and November, Barack Obama has a strong shot at another four years. So maybe the real story of the GOP is, “look, we run Romney now, go easy on the war chest, so we can bring out the big guns in 2016.” Of course, by current Republican standards, the big gun could be Fred Phelps or Jack van Impe.

As a liberal, and as a middle-aged man jealous of anyone with a full head of hair, I can’t see voting for Romney. But if you’re not going to support him, please don’t support him for the right reasons. It bothers me when people say Romney is unelectable simply because he’s a Mormon. It’s like a dirty word; it’s like voodoo to some people. “Ooh, he must be crazy because he believes in a crazy religion.” As if Judaism and Christianity weren’t based on fairy tales and sanctimony. Not to mention sanctimonious fairy tales.

Look, if you’ve ever stayed in a Marriott or watched the BYU Cougars in the NCAA, you know that crazy does not mean incompetent. And as a Jew, I also feel a kinship with the Mormons. We both believe in rules written on giant tablets. We both wear amusing undergarments. (Mine happen to have yellow stains on the front, but that’s not religion, that’s prostatitis.) We both think there’s something to be said for having one god and many wives. And finally, we both believe that the United States of America is a magnificent and even blessed place. Or at least it was until the last gang of Republicans got through with it.

So if the 2012 G.O.P. candidate for president is, indeed, going to be Mitt Romney, I wish him a clean, fair, exciting and losing battle. Not that I wish him ill, but it’s the quickest path to his obvious true calling: future game-show host on Fox. Hey, if he were up against Santorum on CBN and Michelle Bachman on “Bridezillas” he’d get my vote. Just, not against Ron Paul on Public Access.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29457

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

aired Dec. 17, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Newt Gingrich

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 18th, 2011.

What do you do when a man who represents so many wrong things gets one thing incredibly, magnificently right?

That is the question facing voters following Newt Gingrich’s performance in the G.O.P. debates last week. Asked about his unwavering support for Israel, the presidential candidate made clear that Israel is a friend, and that the Arabs are no friend to Israel.

He reminded the world that, quote, “every day, rockets are fired into Israel” – something people forget when they bitch about Israel’s aggressiveness or targeting of Hezbollah.

Gingrich also said the magic words, “It’s fundamentally time for somebody to stand up and say, `enough lying about the middle east,’” unquote. Considering that every other liberal is a Palestinian apologist, and every news program bends over backwards to make it look like Israel and Hamas are two sides of the same coin, it’s a pleasure to hear somebody say, “No, Israel is a legitimate homeland, the Arabs invented Palestinia just to have a grudge.”

Naturally, the media jumped on Gingrich saying, “well, of course there’s a Palestine, and of course some Arabs lived there.” And the Arabs jumped on him for saying they’re terrorists. Talk about the pot calling the camel black.

And just to seal the deal of Newt being a mensch on this, he also reminded the world that Hamas and the Palestinians still refuse to recognize Israel as a place on the map. Which means if you’re in Jordan, and you wanna take a dip in the Mediterranean, you’d better take a pretty goddamn long jump.

Now, Mitt Romney admonished Gingrich for stirring the pot, for inciting the Arabs with his words. But Mitt, if the Arabs are so peaceful and non-violent, why are you terrified of what they might do?

Just to be clear, Romney and the other candidates also affirmed their support for Israel. They ganged up on Gingrich, but it’s not like he’s the only one saying rah-rah Jewish homeland. Does this mean the Republicans are pandering to the Jewish vote? Sure! And more power to them! Pander pander pander! Makes a nice change from us having to go to Obama and grovel sometimes. Not all the time – he’s a friend – but sometimes.

Politicians on both sides pander to every special interest group, from oil frackers to casino builders, so if Republicans wanna make nice-nice to the only democracy in the middle east, I’m down with that. And if Newt Gingrich is the only one with the stones to really tell it like it is, that should be taken into consideration.

Alas for him, we also have to take into consideration that Newt is anti-gay, anti-art funding, and not exactly a fan of separating church from state. Last week he called my house. Well, not him, some kind of automatic tape recorder. It called my house to lambaste Obama and decry the way America has gone downhill under his stewardship. So I heard the usual Republican shpiel about taxes, and too much government and taking America back. But Newt also tossed in the word “secular.” In a negative way. We must rescue America from the godless blue staters and their secular ways.

Well, “sec” on this, Newt. America may be one nation under God, but it ain’t for you to say which God that is. For me, it’s HaShem. For you it’s the bearded guy. For the Chinese, it’s a bunch of dead ancestors. Which must be pretty confusing for a Chinese kid wondering which god to ask for a bike for Christmas. “Is it great-great-grandma Chong? No, she only gives musical instruments. What about Uncle Gao from the Tang Dynasty? No he’s the one who pays you when your teeth fall out. Crap, I know I’ll get another sweater, I know it!”

But I digress. Let’s give a qualified cheer to Newt Gingrich. I can’t say he has my vote, but he has my gratitude for pushing past the platitudes with the fortitude and certitude of his attitude. Keep at it, dude.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-16f