The 37th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 23, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 37. College student Wang Chow is starting to see his grades slip and his GPA threatened because of his terrible problem with sex addiction. The more he promises to study, the more he finds himself compulsively chasing women, watching porn and giving himself over to pleasures of the flesh.
Ashamed, he confesses to his academic advisor, who suggests that religion might be a solution. Wang Chow tries Buddhism, but that doesn’t work. He then studies to be a Catholic, but no luck there, either. He goes through a half-dozen different religions before turning to Orthodox Judaism. For weeks, Wang Chow concentrates on keeping Kosher, studying Torah, going to synagogue—leaving him no time to sink back into addiction.
However, whenever he gets a few minutes free, Wang Chow still feels urges, so he finds the nearest private place and starts masturbating, several times a day. At first, he keeps his weakness a secret, but he feels so guilty that one day he visits the Rabbi in his study and says, “Rabbi, I no good. I do bad thing.”
“What do you mean?” says the Rebbe. “You’ve so sincere on the road to conversion. What’s wrong?”
Wang Chow whispers his dirty secret. “And you can’t control it?” says the Rabbi. The young man shakes his head.
“Wait,” says the Rebbe. “In the main office I have the book, `Kosher Sex,’ and there’s sure to be a chapter in there that’ll help.”
So the Rabbi excuses himself and heads to the office. After a minute, Wang Chow starts getting antsy. After two minutes, he’s breathing heavily and his heart is pounding. By the third minute, his pants are down around his ankles, and he’s rubbing one out to a poster of Jerusalem.
The Rabbi comes back just in time to see this and says, “Oy! I know you warned me, but this is too much. Even though you follow all our customs, you’re not ready to convert if you’re always doing this!”
“I know,” sobs Wang Chow, “I sorry! I Beat Off More than I Good Jew.”
Here is the 464th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 29, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Featuring: Dave chats with Tony-winner Ben Vereen. Plus: Inside Broadway, Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (The 80s), Saturday Segues (Tracy Chapman, knees)
Guest: actor-singer Ben Vereen
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:18:30 SATURDAY SEGUE (Tracy Chapman) 00:50:30 Sponsors 00:54:30 INSIDE BROADWAY 01:18:00 GUEST: Ben Vereen 02:02:00 Friends 02:15:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner and Later: The 80s 02:46:00 Sponsors 02:51:30 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #98: Fred Phelps 03:02:30 SATURDAY SEGUE (knees) 03:34:00 Weather & Thanks 03:39:30 DGB in the News! 03:48:00 DAVE GOES OUT
March 29, 2014 Playlist: “Hard Wired” (00:21:00) , “Dreaming on a World (00:24:30), “Be and Not Be Afraid” (00:29:30), “Say Hallelujah” (00:34:00), “Devotion” (00:36:30) & “Open Arms” (00:39:00; Tracy Chapman). “Watch What Happens” (Newsies 2012 Broadway cast; 01:13:00). “Magic to Do” (Pippin 1972 Broadway cast w/ Ben Vereen; 01:15:00). “Greatest Love of All” (01:38:00; Ben Vereen). “Superstar” (01:55:30; Jesus Christ Superstar 1971 Broadway cast w/ Ben Vereen). “Shalom Santa” (02:04:00; Carole J. Bufford). “Unbelievable” (02:20:00), “Sweetheart Like You” (02:24:00), “Pressing On” (02:28:00) & “Dark Eyes” (02:36:30; Bob Dylan) . “Congratulations” (02:33:00; Traveling Wilburys). “Dancer with Bruised Knees” (03:05:30; Kate & Anna McGarrigle). “Hangman’s Knee” (03:09:00; Jeff Beck). “Stand on My Own Two Knees” (03:14:00; George Jones). “Einstein on the Beach – Knee Play 3” (03:16:30; Philip Glass). “Oh Susannah” (03:22:00; Neil Young & Crazy Horse). “Knee Drops” (03:27:00; Louis Armstrong). “One April Day” (03:50:30; Stephin Merritt).
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 1st, 2013.
When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars – who gives a shit? I don’t follow astrology. But when two happy holidays intersect, that can be a time of much joy and reflection.
Now, all too often, Christmas and Chanukah fall around the same time. This has been hell on Jews, because the media conflates the two festivals into one big secular holiday, which it is not. There’s no such thing as Chrismukkah. Judah Maccabee did not find the baby Jesus in the Syrian temple, and Christ was not crucified on the shamash of a giant wooden menorah.
And yet, the proximity of Yuletide and Chanukah made for an uneasy coexistence. Jewish children would see their goyishe friends on Christmas Day riding new bicycles, playing X-box, unwrapping a new drum set. Then the Yiddishe children would come home, light a candle, sing a song, and then hold out their hands for a big present. Wow! Two ounces of chocolate money. A day-glo dreidel. Next door, the blonde kid gets a Vespa; in the Jewish house, “happy Chanukah, here’s a dollar. Give half to charity.” Is it any wonder the yidlach would look longingly at outside culture and say, “I want to go to there!”?
So Jewish families started playing catch-up. It wasn’t enough to put a menorah in the window. Now we have to decorate, just like the goyim. And the first night of Chanukah is meant to approximate Christmas Eve, so the kid gets a half decent gift. That way, the Jewish child can go next door and say, “Ha ha! Sure, you got all that stuff from Santa. But at 12:01am on Christmas Day, you’re done. No more presents. I got an iPad tonight, and there are seven more days of presents to come. Good stuff like chocolate or money, or chocolate that looks like money. Have fun cleaning up pine needles for a month, you foreskin-totin’ suckaah!”
Even so, the drawbacks of an omnipresent Christian holiday overshadowing a Jewish one can be oppressive. It’s like people who have their birthday on Christmas. You get screwed, because not everyone double-gifts. You receive a single present, and it’s marginally better than the two items you would have scored had your parents shtupped in February instead of April.
But sometimes, holiday alignment isn’t a bad thing. This year has a rare occurrence of Chanukah falling at the same time as Thanksgiving. Wednesday night we light the first candle, and Thursday is turkey day, with Chankuah continuing all through Thanksgiving weekend.
We can draw parallels between the two festivals. First of all, they both call for gratitude. On Thanksgiving, Americans are grateful that the Indians were trusting and outmatched in warfare, so the Pilgrims could take advantage of them, give them smallpox and take their land. Thanks Pocahontas, pass the giblets. In the Chanukah story, Jews had to fight against Hellenism. I don’t know what they had against girls named Helen, but there you go.
After decades of treating the Jews fairly, the Syrians changed their tune to a song of anti-Semitism. They killed and pillaged, they made Judaism illegal, and they defiled the Hebrew temple in Jerusalem. This caused a number of Jewish families to revolt – and God knows, I’ve met some revolting Jewish families. But you had Mattathias and his son, Judah Maccabee, who fought the Syrians of the Greek empire and drove them out of Judea. They Hebrews and re-dedicated the temple, so we’re grateful to them and to HaShem for saving the Jewish people from conversion, death and unidentifiable gyro meat.
Chanukah and Thanksgiving have other things in common, as well. They’re both pretty secular. Chanukah is post-bible; it’s a cultural tradition rather than a top-down mandate. And Thanksgiving is for anyone happy to be living in the good ol’ USA. Both holidays also share special foods associated with each. Chanukah, you have potato latkes and jelly donuts. Thanksgiving, you have turkey and Dunkin’ donuts. Sports are also a part of both holidays. Thanksgiving, you sit in your armchair and you watch people who aren’t fat and lazy play football. Chanukah, children sit on the floor with a dreidel and learn the basics of gambling. You start with a pot of money, and then try to take money from everyone else. Is it any wonder Jewish children grow up to be bankers?
Chanukah is the festival of lights; Thanksgiving is a feast of lite beer. Both holidays also incorporate fire. Thanksgiving, we recall the way our ancestors burned down Indian teepees and villages. Chanukah, we stand at a menorah holding a colored candle while molten wax runs down our hands. You’d think after 5,000 years they could invent a candle that doesn’t make you look like the accident guy on “Dancing with the Stars.”
Most of all, both holidays are about spending time with family and friends. They’re about women arguing in the kitchen, men falling asleep during halftime, children getting loaded up on snacks and then being forced to eat cranberry sauce – does anybody enjoy eating cranberry sauce? Chanukah and Thanksgiving are about expressing our appreciation to HaShem for keeping us alive, either by letting us defeat empires or giving us delicious crops to harvest. Either way, it’s something worth singing about:
“Over the river and through the woods to Bubbie’s apartment we shlep;
It takes quite a while, and she’s kind of senile And the baby comes home with strep.
Out of the tunnel, across the bridge and through the old neighborhood The latkes were yucky, the presents were sucky And yet, and yet, life’s good.”
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of August 18th, 2013.
A judge in Newport, Tennessee – and I think just by the location, you know this is going to be good – a judge in Newport, Tennessee took it upon herself to re-name a baby. The parents were in court to change the tyke’s last name, and they couldn’t agree which to use: the father’s last name or the mother’s last name. So Child Support Magistrate Lu Ann Ballew – and I think just by that name, you know this is going to be really good – Judge Lu Ann Ballew had to make the call on this seven-month-old infant.
She gets distracted, however, by the baby’s first name; the parents have named the kid Messiah. Apparently this is a very popular choice. According to Social Security, it’s one of the fastest-rising baby names. It’s rising so fast, you could actually escape with it out of Egypt while other names had to stay flat and unleavened.
I don’t know what that means, but the point is: they named the kid Messiah, and the judge is not pleased. So Heronor took upon herself to change not the baby’s last name – well, she changed that, too, to include the names of both parents, very wise – but she also changed the infant’s first name, to Martin. Why? Because, gavel girl said, “The word Messiah is a title that has only been earned by one person, and that one person is Jesus Christ.” Unquote.
I told you, it’s Tennessee. Leaving aside religion for a moment – which is tough because I’m a Rabbi, or at least I’ve played one on TV – what business is it of this judge to be changing a name that the parents agreed upon for their zygote? If I go into traffic court to fight a ticket, is she gonna tell me I gotta fix my garage door, too?
Judge Ballew said she was doing the name switch for the benefit of the child who is too young to have any control over a name that might bring him difficulty with his peers. Really? So tell that to every kid named Irving, Bertha, Dick, Scott – which he learns very early rhymes with “snot” – Luke, which rhymes with puke, Regina, Yussel and Mulva. I wonder, if this judge had been around 50 years ago, would the biggest pop superstar in the world be named Millicent instead of Madonna?
This judge is letting Christianity affect her sanity. What about all the millions of Hispanics who go around naming their kids “Jesus”? That’s a pretty damn big burden to live up to, and I don’t even believe in the guy. Why is Madonna acceptable, why is Jesus kosher – well, he probably was – why is Moshe (Moses) perfectly common for a name, and God knows there isn’t a Muslim driving a taxi who isn’t named Mohammed, but Messiah is off limits?
I can understand why some baby names are seen as borderline child abuse. A couple in New Zealand were forbidden from naming their child, Talulah Does the Hula from Hawaii. A Chinese mom and dad tried to name their kid the @ symbol. And let’s not forget that New Jersey couple who named their offspring Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation before – big shock – losing custody.
But Messiah? Who could object to that? The goyim think he’s already come; the Jews are worried he’ll never come – either way, it’s a hopeful, happy name. If I and my dear wife Miriam Libby decide to have another baby – to add to our 21 and a half mostly beautiful children we have now – I’d be proud to name him Moshiach. First of all, we need another M because my great uncle Melchy just died, but also because naming your child something that means leader or savior seems a lot more promising than calling them Apple, or Laquisha, or Moon Unit, or the Artist Formerly known as Blanket.
The mother of Martin – fka Messiah – is appealing the name change, and I hope she wins. The ACLU is in her corner because the courts have no more right to tell women what to name their babies than Southern politicians have to force women to deliver babies. Uncle Sam, stay out of the bedroom, stay out of the nursery and stay out of the kitchen, too, unless you can cook a brisket, in which case: come by Friday night, we’re having people, and go easy on the paprika because my wife’s allergic.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, aka Flora does the Hora in Bora Bora, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #65 (5/5/2013): Joking Around
Aired May 5, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/Vb03UPLHc2U
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of May 5th, 2013.
So many of my friends and family and colleagues have been having a difficult year, I thought it would be fun to take a breather and do what I love more than anything. No, not eating herring in wine sauce while watching Jerry Springer. I mean telling jokes. Cracking a couple of funnies, and then analyzing and learning from their wisdom.
A priest and a Rabbi are next-door neighbors, so they decide to buy an automobile together for carpooling to work. They come out of the dealership with a spanking-new Nissan and bring it to the priest’s driveway. The priest goes into his house and comes out with a bowl of water. He begins sprinkling this all over the hood.
“What are you doing?” the Rabbi asks.
“It’s a new car,” says the Priest. “It needs to be blessed and baptized.”
Soon, the priest finishes his blessing, only to see the Rabbi coming out of the garage with a hacksaw.
“What’s that for?” says the priest.
The Rabbi begins sawing two inches off the tailpipe. “You have your rituals; I have mine.”
From this joke, we learn that every religion has its own seemingly archaic and silly practices. We do what we do because our parents did them, and our grandparents did them, and we’d feel a little queasy if we didn’t continue the tradition. Like serving fruitcake at Christmas or raisin kugel on Passover. Nobody wants these things but . . . they have to be done.
What I like about this joke is that it’s also about one-upsmanship. When the Priest does his thing, the Rabbi is forced to be riding in a baptized car. Only fair that the Rebbe gets to say, “This is my vehicle, too. If I have to ride under your holy water, you gotta live with a snipped tip.” I just wonder: if the Nissan lasts for 13 years, will the Rabbi throw it a huge party with long speeches, a lousy deejay, and the car jacked up on a hydraulic lift and carried around the room by drunken mechanics? “Today I am a hybrid.” And years later, when the engine dies, the Priest can hang a cross on the rear-view mirror and read selected passages from the manual, while the Rabbi puts the car in salvage with a closed hood and a tfillin bag in the glove compartment. Again, fair’s fair.
A robber breaks into the house of an Orthodox Jew. No one’s home, but the thief hears a voice say, “Be careful. HaShem is watching you.”
The thief whirls around. “Who said that?”
“Be careful. HaShem is watching you.”
The thief notices a parrot in a cage. He sighs with relief. “Stupid parrot. Tell me, birdie, what’s your name?”
“My name is Moses,” says the parrot.
“Moses?” says the thief. “Who names a parrot `Moses’?”
Says the bird, “Same person who named the rottweiler behind you `HaShem.’”
What we learn from this joke is that wrongdoing has its consequences, even if they are not immediately visible. This criminal chooses a house because he thinks it’s empty; easy to steal from, easy to escape. He is disabused of this notion first by a little birdie and then by a dog that, presumably, will tear him a new one from nose to pupick.
So, the next time you want to do something wrong, and you assume you’ll get away with it because no one’s around or they’re not paying attention or you don’t even care, just remember, there’s a dog named “God” waiting in the yard for ya. He may not maul you immediately, but he remembers your smell. And years later, you’re gonna meet that dog again in a dark alley. You can move toward the light at the end of that alley, but you gotta get past fido first. If you did some small bad things, maybe the dog’ll pish on your leg and let you pass. If you really hurt people, well, there are worse things than having a wild animal rip you open and chew on your intestines. I’m not sure what those worse things would be, but they must be out there.
Last joke: “Mr. Feinbaum,” says the Rabbi. “It’s been years since you’ve come to Saturday services. So nice that you came this morning. To what do I owe?”
“Actually, it’s very shameful,” says Feinbaum. “The only reason I came was: I lost my hat.”
“Your hat?” says the Rabbi. “I don’t understand.”
“Earlier this week, I lost my hat. I thought I would come to shul, look on the coat rack and steal someone else’s. But then I heard your sermon, all about the Ten Commandments, and I immediately changed my mind.”
“That’s wonderful,” says the Rebbe. “See the way HaShem works? But tell me, what part of the sermon got to you? Was it when I was going over `Thou Shalt Not Steal?’”
“Actually, no,” says Mr. Feinbaum. “When you came to, `Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my hat.”
When I tell this joke, my congregants sometimes ask me, “Rabbi, which is worse? Stealing or committing adultery?” I have to think about this because in many ways, they’re similar. They both involve disruption and deceit. It’s just that in one, you’re taking something away, and in the other, you’re putting something in. With stealing, you remove something valuable and appreciated. With adultery, you take something that’s no longer appreciated and of rapidly diminishing value. Finally, with stealing, you hurry to a pawn shop to get rid of the spoils. With adultery, you hurry to a clinic to get rid of the rash. Not that I would know such things from personal experience, of course. I am, of course, proudly faithful to my dear wife, Miriam Libby, a strong, opinionated Jewish woman. So who needs a Rottweiler?
I’m kidding, honey, I’m kidding! This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #57 (2/17/2013): Pope Benedict Retires
aired February 16th, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/H3KYHpwGAFs
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 17th, 2013.
Big news for goyim this week when Joseph Ratzinger – aka Pope Benedict the 16th – announced that he would be stepping down from his Popery at the end of the month. It’s an unusual step, since most Popes either die in office or quit to take on consulting work in the fashion industry. But Pope Benedict felt that both his mind and body were starting to go, so rather than decline into a senile figurehead, he’s gracefully bowing out so the cardinals can groom someone else for the most important job in all Christendom. Well, apart from being CEO of Hobby Lobby.
In his eight years of Popeing, Benedict has racked up a decidedly mixed record. To be fair, he had a hard act to follow. In 2005, he succeeded Pope John Paul II, who not only traveled extensively but won the Miss Congeniality pageant four out of the seven years he entered. Following Pope JPII is like coming after Jimi Hendrix at Monterey; you can either burn two guitars and play a third with your shmeckel, or you go the other way, hang back, do your thing, and try to make your own little contribution while half the crowd is stumbling to the concession stands.
Let us also not forget that Pope Benedict did not exactly have the saintliest early life. He was a German. In the `30s. So when he was 14 years old, he was forced to join the Hitler Youth. He wasn’t crazy about it, but he didn’t exactly take a martyr’s stand against it, either. Two years later, he was a soldier in the German air force and then the infantry. Again, he wasn’t thrilled to be there, but tell that to any western allies he flew over or shot at. Then, when the war was all but over, he deserts and runs home. Interesting qualifications for being the holiest man in the world and spiritual guide to millions: be part of the most racist, homicidal regime in history, fight and be ready to kill for that country, and when the going gets rough, escape and be a traitor. In the same shoes, would I have had the moral fiber to be any different? Probably not, but I’m not Pope.
Nor am I likely to be. My application for the open position has already been rejected, they say because I don’t have Quark Express, but ehhh… I think it’s anti-Semitism.
Anyhoo, once he became Pope, no question, Benedict had the courage of his convictions. He was a conservative who believed in sticking with time-honored traditions and pulling Catholicism back from what he perceived to be a hastening secularized decay. When a religion is 2000 years old, there’s a comfort in that – hearing the Latin, upholding the old guard, knowing that the geezer charge has more in common with a monk from the 1200s than with a slacker from 2012. I compare it to the ultra-Orthodox Jews you see at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem every day. They’re incredibly insular and right wing, and they believe the bible word for word, and anything new you throw at them is so terrifying, they shrink into their black coats like potato bugs curling up into a ball. But they’re also a link to the past that would be really sad to lose. They’re out there being perfect so the rest of us don’t have to.
Except, nobody’s perfect. And Pope Benedict’s back-to-the-dark-ages position on certain issues isn’t even close. Women priests? No way. Abortion? No, but no surprise there. Same-sex marriage? He likened it to anarchy and called it “contrary to human love.” Because a celibate ex-Nazi is certainly my go-to expert on love and matrimony.
He did better, much better, on Jewish matters, making sure to renounce the whole “Jews killed Jesus” thing and visiting Auschwitz in 2012 – and not just to reminisce with old classmates and relatives. He did restore to the liturgy a Latin prayer that had a part in it about making sure to convert the Jews. But they cut that line years ago. I think they replaced it with some lyrics from Led Zeppelin IV. And when it’s come to Israel and the Arabs, Benedict has tried to be even-handed and a champion of peace, which is exactly what you’d want and expect from the Pope. He also pissed off the Arabs when he audaciously mentioned that Islam doesn’t exactly have a peaceful reputation. That’s about as self-evident as saying Paulie Shore movies don’t reach the level of high art – but when the Pope says it, it’s news.
Did Benedict do too little, too laity about all those pedophile priests? Of course! Heck, as a Cardinal, he was as guilty as anyone of hushing things up and making sure all the horrors stayed inside the church. Heaven forbid they should get in the clutches of such pesky outsiders as police and courts and the public’s right to know. But ultimately, the biggest disappointment about Pope Benedict is the hypocrisy that I’m sure he doesn’t even see. He’s willing to leap into the modern era with a Facebook page and Twitter tweets, and he’s the first Pope in 600 years to step down instead of drop dead. So why is he willing to break those traditions, yet making the church evolve in its stance on women and gays and embryos – that would be heresy.
When all is said and done, the real story of Pope Benedict is that he’s a smart guy whose career was spent either saving his skin or salvaging the status quo. If the Nazis come, salute; if they put you in a uniform, fight; if they lose, run; if your colleagues are shtupping little boys, juggle; if you say something risky, backpedal; but if the world turns forward, stand still.
The Vatican has an opportunity now to turn the corner. They can get a Pope from Africa, or Latin America, or Passaic. They can elect a guy who’ll separate important moral principles from stuff that’s been done just because it’s always been done. I’m not expecting to see Catholicism suddenly embrace pro-choice rallies, lady priests and gay honeymoons – but why not? If a black man can become president, and a Hitler Youth can be Pope, and Honey BooBoo can be a TV star, anything can happen.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus vobiscum, zie gezundt.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope
click above to listen (audio only)
aired March 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCkMKFLV5M
Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 6th, 2011.
We’re innocent! Innocent, I tell you! We didn’t do it!
And it’s taken only one thousand, nine hundred and 78 years for the goyim to believe us.
Pope Benedict the 16th’s new book, “Jesus of Nazareth” – not to be confused with his previous book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl” – the Pope’s new book officially exonerates the Jews of killing Jesus. His holiness writes that there is no biblical or theological basis to the claim that Jews are responsible for murdering Christ.
Now, Benedict is not the first Pope to say this. Fifty years ago, Pope John the 23rd drafted – and Pope Paul the 6th signed – a decree that says Catholics should respect all other religions, and that Jews are off the finally hook for the J.C. rap. It was a generous but generic gesture, like saying, “Deep down, we still think you did it, but we can’t prove it so…bygones.”
The difference here is that Benny goes into great legal and logical detail on how the Jews couldn’t possibly be guilty on this, then or now.
Personally, I’ve always been shocked and offended by the accusation that I killed Jesus. I’ve never killed anyone in my life. I would like to. I have a wish list. Like this guy who cut me off on the parkway yesterday. Doesn’t look, doesn’t signal, he’s on a cell phone –this guy: hand me the nails! But Jesus? A little before my time.
Now, according to the great big book of myths, or as other people like to call it, “The New Testament,” Jews were angry at Jesus and asking the Romans to get rid of him.
He was annoying, he was making trouble with the authorities, he was healing people, but then they’d die of secondary infections. So assuming the Jesus story did happen, let us grant that Jews may have fomented an atmosphere unconducive to the son of Mary. But they didn’t kill him any more than the Spice Girls killed John Lennon.
As a matter of fact, it says very clearly in the Gospels that Jesus was tried by the Jewish courts and then handed over to the Romans. The Romans mocked him, tortured him, dragged him through the streets and crucified him. Not the Jews – the Romans.
Well, that solves the mystery! Who lives in Rome? Italians. So why haven’t we spent 2000 years blaming Italians for the crucifixion?
Ten’ll get you twenty, it was the Mafia. Think about it. The Romans were always asking for tax payoffs and tributes from anyone in their territory. The Romans were known for eating and drinking freely, and then orgies, like the guidos on “The Jersey Shore.” And when it came to Jesus – first he was subject to a conspiracy, then they made him an offer, but he refused; then he was betrayed with a kiss – just like Michael and Fredo in “Godfather II.”
Since 33 AD, blame for the crucifixion has been diverted away from the Guineas, to the Sheenies, and, until very recently, the Vatican has been complicit in the cover-up.
Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, so if the Italians did murder him, it’s no fringe off my tallis. But to think of the crusades, the Holocaust, the Mel Gibson tirades – all of this could have been ameliorated by some pope, somewhere, going, “I know it’s fun to blame the Jews, and they do make lousy tennis partners, but the Jesus thing: it wasn’t them. Get over it.”
And to think, the Pope who breaks the silence spent his early years in the Hitler Youth. That’s like Ted Nugent becoming a spokesman for PETA. It’s like Osama bin Laden joining the B’nai Brith. It’s like Fred Phelps changing from a civil-rights activist into a homophobic madman. Oh wait, that one actually happened.
Anyhoo, I give due credit to Pope Benedict for doing his part to refute an old lie. Will it make any difference to anti-Semitism? Will it stop hate crimes and skinheads and venomous postings on the web? Please, we have a better chance of Messiah coming next week wearing a girdle, a football jersey and a strap-on.
But kudos to Papa Benny, because to help instead of hurt is always a good thing, especially since the jury will forever be out on who really killed Jesus. I dunno, but am I the only one who saw O.J. Simpson’s white limo leaving the scene?
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus nabisco.
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 345th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 5, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Host: Dave Lefkowitz
Guests: Elliot Tiber and Jeff Goodman
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with author Elliot Tiber (“Taking Woodstock”). Also: Saturday Segue (Woodstock), Dylan – Sooner & Later (Suze Songs), Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on The Pope, and Inside Broadway (The Wizard of Oz, Riders in the sky).
Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:14:00 SATURDAY SEGUE: Woodstock 00:26:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with Elliot Tiber 01:24:30 DAVE – Sponsors & Weather 01:47:30 INSIDE BROADWAY: (01:47:30; The Wizard of Oz) & ((01:56:30) Riders in the Sky) 02:06:00 Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later: Suze Songs 02:42:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: The Pope 02:49:30 Friends of the Daverhood 02:55:00 GUEST – Jeff Goodman 03:17:30 DAVE GOES OUT
March 5, 2011 Playlist: “I Had a Dream” (00:14:00; John Sebastian), “Beautiful People” (00:17:00); “The Kids are All Right” (The Who, 00:20:00), “Woodstock” (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young); “Zing Went the Strings of My Heart” (Judy Garland, 01:21:00); “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (Judy Garland, 01:43:30). “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” (02:09:30), “Tomorrow is a Long Time” (02:14:00), “Boots of Spanish Leather” (02:17:30), “Ballad in Plain D” (02:23:00), “Suze (The Cough Song)” (02:31:00) & “Forever Young” (02:33:00) (Bob Dylan).
Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews songwriter and humorist Gina Beltrami
Topics include: Christmas, “I Farted on Santa’s Lap”
Segment originally aired Dec. 14, 2008 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews “The Story of Yiddish” author Neal Karlen
Topics include: Yiddish, Rolling Stone.
Segment originally aired April 13, 2008 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com
