Tag: tea

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #050 (8/29/2015): NOODLES

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Segment aired Aug. 29, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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50.
A woman goes into a bakery in Chinatown and asks for her usual breakfast coffee and sticky bun. “I’m sorry,” says the counter girl. “We’re out of coffee. But we have many unusual teas here. Try one?”

“Sure,” says the woman. “What’ve you got?”

“Well, we have bubble tea, rice tea, buckwheat tea, and our house blend which is made from noodles.”

“That sounds interesting,” says the woman. “How do you make it?”

“I’ll show you.” The counter girl opens a bag of tea and then pours a healthy scoop through a funnel and into a mug of boiling water.

“Delicious!” says the customer. “You should really advertise how you make this.”

“Oh, we can’t!” says the girl. “We’d get arrested.”

“Arrested? For pouring tea through a cone?”

“Yes,” says the girl. “We’d be showing Full Funnel Noodle Tea.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #013 (11/22/2014): OLD TEA

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The 13th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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13.
An old Asian tea maker took pride in teaching his culinary students a very special blend of his chai tea. The brew had a strong, delicious taste and an oddly delicate bouquet. No matter how his young students tried, even the best ones could not replicate the brew.

What the teacher couldn’t tell them was the real reason his tea had such a distinct flavor: every morning before school, he would wake up, take a dry loofa and scrape the wrinkly, dead skin off one of his buttocks and into the bag of leaves.

All goes fine until one day, a know-it-all student takes a sip of the old man’s signature tea. “Ugh,” says the boy, “when was this tea made, 1937?”

“What you talk about?” says the teacher, “is fresh, new tea!”

“New? This tastes ancient. I don’t wanna make old tea.”

“Old? Is not old! Made right now!”

“Is not!” counters the boy. “What kind of teacher are you?”

“I good teacher!” the old man yells, “and is new tea!”

“No, it isn’t,” says the boy, “I’m outta here.”

The kid turns to leave, but the teacher grabs him by the collar and hollers, “I good teacher! No Chai Old, Left Behind!”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #006 (9/20/2014): MURPHY

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ZZ-PUN-006-Murphy
Segment aired Sept. 20, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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6.
A food writer is compiling a book about the best cups of tea from all over the world. He sends a first draft to his editor, who writes back, “Great job. You’ve been to India, China, Sri Lanka, Russia – but I notice you haven’t been to Australia. You need to go and report on this incredible tea I’ve heard about that’s only served in one tiny shop in the western outback. We can’t do a proper book without it. I’ll extend your deadline, just get there asap.”

So the writer books a plane ticket for Australia where he winds up taking two trains, three puddle-jumpers and a rickshaw before reaching a tiny village. Worried that he’s been sent on a wild goose chase, the writer asks a woman at the local market if she’s heard of this fabled tea shop. “Oh, of course! Best tea in the world.”

“What makes it so special?” asks the writer, grabbing his notebook.

“Well, the shop is owned by Johnny Murphy, this Irish fella who moved here thirty years ago and has been making tea ever since.”

“Fine, but what’s so great about the tea itself?”

“It’s not just the leaves; it’s what happens to them. They grow high on these gum trees. And the koala bears climb all over them and chew on them making them really tender. That’s why no other leaves have their flavor.”

Intrigued, the writer asks the woman for directions to Murphy’s Tea Shop. After a three-mile trek, he arrives at this little hut where a burley, deeply suntanned Irishman stands at the counter.

“A cup of tea, please,” the writer orders.

Murphy nods and sets a kettle on the stove. He then produces a small teacup and a wee bag of brown leaves. He pours two heaping spoonfuls of dry leaves into the cup, and, when the water boils, sloshes the hot water into the tea. “Here you go,” he says, handing the writer the cup and a plain napkin.

The writer looks into the cup but isn’t particularly enthused. Though the beverage smells okay, visually it looks like muddy brown water, with twigs and dirt and dead things floating about. “Whatsamatter?” says the Irishman. “Too strong for ya?”

“No,” says the writer, making a face. “It’s just so unfiltered. Why don’t you use a strainer?”

“Sir,” gasps the owner, affronted. “The Koala Tea of Murphy Cannot Be Strained!”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #001 (7/19/2014): OPRAH

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The 1st Wretched Pun of Destiny aired July 19, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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1.
If you’ve been to Starbucks recently, you know that Oprah Winfrey has a new line of Chai teas. Well, they’ve been so successful, Oprah goes to her marketing and research-and-development people and asks if they could create more lines of tea that she could brand in the same way.

“I’m glad you asked,” says the head R&D guy. “We’ve been working on this new project that we think is perfect for your brand. It’s a line of tea made from essential fish oils.”

Oprah makes a face. “You’re not serious?”

“No, really! I know how it sounds, but they taste great. They’re healthy, they smell amazing, people get their omega fatty acids – here, just try one!”

So the guy brings out a hot cup of tea. “This is yellowtail. Just taste it.”

Oprah does and gasps, “This is delicious! No bad smell, and it looks lovely. And it’s fish oil?”

“Exactly!” laughs the R&D guy. “And we can have whole line of them: Oprah Salmon Tea. Oprah Tilapia Tea. Oprah Swordfish Tea. And I haven’t even shown you the best part!”

The guy brings out all these cups of dry tea and gives Oprah a big kettle of hot water.

“Go ahead, pour!” he says.

So Oprah pours boiling water into the first cup. As soon as she does, she hears this loud, incessant, knocking sound. “What’s that?” she laughs.

“That’s the surprise! The tea leaves are so tightly compacted, the second the boiling water hits them, it sets off chemical reactions that make a racket. It’s a great novelty, and you can market it like crazy. Try some more!”

So Oprah pours water onto the Flounder Tea, and she hears, “knock knock knock knock…” She does it on the Monkfish Tea – same thing. Pretty soon there’s a riot of noise as she’s boiling the Mackerel Tea, the Redfish Tea, the Trout Tea . . .

Finally, she gets to the one with tuna fish and pours the water on it, but all she hears is one single “knock.” “Hmm, let me try another one,” she says. So they hand her another cup of the tuna, she pours the water in, but again, just a single “knock.”

“Well, this is incredibly promising,” Oprah raves. “I love the whole line, and I can’t wait to get it going. Of course, you’re gonna have to bring this last one back for more testing.  All the others made so much noise; it’s a shame the tuna is so quiet. Can you fix it?”

The R&D man looks at her aghast and replies, “Oh, heavens no! Oprah Tuna Tea Only Knocks Once!”