The 62nd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 26, 2018 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.
All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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62.
A golf pro is traveling the country and learns about a course he’d never heard of. Naturally, he has to try it out. He hits the links on a Monday afternoon, but as he’s setting up his first drive, he hears the group in front of him talking a blue streak and using all sorts of foul language. He turns to complain to the group behind him, but they’re yapping away and being just as vulgar.
The golf pro calls their caddy over and says, “This is horrible. The course is gorgeous, but everyone on it swears like a sailor for no reason.”
“Oh, there’s a good reason,” replies the caddy. “This course was built by a man who has Tourette’s Syndrome. He wanted a place where people with his condition could go and play the game they loved without bothering regular folks or being judged.”
“I get it,” says the golf pro. “They sound rude, but they can’t help it.”
“Exactly. The cool part is these folks play in all kinds of weather—showers, thunderstorms, floods. No matter how wet, they always carry the perfect clothes to keep them comfortable. Heck, last year they all put on plastic hats, silicone shoes, and waterproof ponchos and played through a steady downpour on Christmas Day!”
“Christmas Day?” repeated the pro. “Gosh. I guess Rude Golf Tourettes Knows Raingear.”
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Here is the 586th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Dec. 24, 2016. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Host: Dave Lefkowitz Guest: Dave’s wife Joyce
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection (2016 Farewell), Greeley Crimes & Old Times, Inside Broadway, Saturday Segues (Chanukah & Christmas, In the News), Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce (noise machines, latkes, The Star Wars Holiday Special, kwanzaa, psoas therapy, not-so-crappy year, Carrie Fisher) 00:59:30 GREELEY CRIMES & OLD TIMES 01:27:30 DAVE GOES FURTHER IN w/ Joyce (UNC marching band) 01:35:30 SATURDAY SEGUE (In the News) 02:01:30 Sponsors 02:05:30 INSIDE BROADWAY 02:30:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later 02:50:30 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #142 (2016 Farewell) 02:59:00 Friends 03:08:30 Sponsors 03:10:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Chanukah and Christmas 03:32:00 Weather 03:34:00 DAVE GOES OUT
“Good Night but not Goodbye” (00:29:00; “The Star Wars Holiday Special” w/ Bea Arthur). “UNC Fight Song” (01:28:00; University of Northern Colorado marching band).”Fireworks” (01:37:00; Do Re Mi 1999 off-Broadway cast). “Bad Ambassador” (01:40:00; The Divine Comedy). “Berlin: Black Hole with Taxis” (01:44:00; Passing Strange 2008 Broadway cast). “Evacuation” (01:44:30; Pearl Jam). “Nuclear” (01:47:30; Ryan Adams). “You’re Timeless to Me” (02:26:00; Hairspray 2002 Broadway cast w/ Harvey Fierstein & Dick Latessa). “Once Upon a Time” (02:35:30), “Dear Landlord” (02:39:30) & “O Come All Ye Faithful” (02:42:30; Bob Dylan). “Anal Dreidel” (03:11:30), “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas” (03:18:00) & “Maoz Tzuris” (03:27:30; Rabbi Sol Solomon) “Santa Quits” (03:13:30) & “Santasia” (03:23:00; Dave Lefkowitz). “There’s no Place Like Home for the Holidays” (03:40:30; Leon Redbone).
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of November 17, 2014.
Merry Christmas, non-Jewish listeners! A very merry Christmas and Yuletide to all the goyim within the sound of my strident voice! Jingle bells, glad tidings, joyeux Noel – whatever the hell that means — Merry Chris — wait, what? You mean it’s not Christmas? You mean it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, and Christmas is a month and a half away?
Well, you wouldn’t know it. Not from the TV commercials. Not from the music they play in the department stores. Not from the displays in Walgreens and Walmart and K-Mart and K.Y. and why is it Christmas already when it isn’t December 25th for another 35 days?
We all know why, of course. It’s because America needs to sell you crap as much and as often as possible. The home shopping networks and the mall shopping outlets want to get you in the money-spending spirit as soon as they can. If they could start next year’s holiday sales on December 26th at midnight, they would. In fact, they already almost do. In the middle of July, QVC and HLN and the CIA are doing infomercials for ornaments. “Make sure you order them now, people, so they arrive by August — just in time for Christmas.”
As a Jew, but not just as a Jew, but mainly as a Jew, I object to all this haranguing, day after day after day over a holiday I do not believe in and couldn’t care less about. You wanna put up some lights on the weekend before Christmas, and maybe start the Ruh-puh-pum-pum on your drum a week or two before the holiday? Be my guest, and buy me something nice. But stop with the Yuletide cheer when I haven’t even gotten all the matzoh out of my colon from Passover yet!
I have spoken before and elsewhere about the pressure Jews feel to morph Chanukah into a Yuletide-like holiday…Chrismakkah…a concept which fills me with enough loathing to stuff a Santa suit. They are not similar holidays; they are not equivalent holidays. And yet, because they fall at the same time of year, Yiddlach feel compelled to match their neighbors gift for gift, light for light, stupid singalong for stupid singalong. The only thing that keeps me from jamming hot knitting needles through my eardrums this time of year is Adam Sandler, and even that song wears out its welcome by its third spin. Try playing “Here Comes Chanukah” as often as Rite Aid plays “The Christmas Song,” and you’ll want to open every bottle in the pharmacy and swallow till the pain stops.
Holiday overkill is bad enough two or three weeks out of the year, but a whole month? You got radio stations that play only Christmas music. Some stores block off entire sections for stocking stuffers the day after Labor Day. Just stop it! Stop it! Nobody’s roasting chestnuts on an open anything. If grandma’s getting run over, it’s by grandpa’s Rascal, not a reindeer.
And I know Christmas is an excuse for people to do nice things and feel good about themselves. Soldiers stuck in a sandpit in Trashcanistan have a chance to come home and see their families because it’s Christmas. Why the army can’t do that on Groundhog Day just the same is beyond me, but okay. It’s like supermarkets that give the destitute free turkey on Thanksgiving. Fantastic — homeless people have a dozen meal options on Thanksgiving Day. The day after Thanksgiving? Pfftth. Back to 99-cent pizza and Spaghettios.
Still, if we use the holiday as an impetus to be better humans and do more good, even the cranky, miserable misanthrope in me cannot object to that. But the time leading up to the holiday is about nothing more than marketing and selling and forced, fake, phony good cheer. It’s all too much, too soon, and if I sound like the Grinch, so be it. Especially since I’m not trying to steal Christmas. I just want to hide it for awhile, like the Afikomen, so that, as an accountant would say, the interest appreciates.
No Marine comes home on special leave November 8th. Nobody’s donating cans to the food bank on December 12th. We’re subjected to the hype but not the help. I say, if big business must turn Christmas into a season-long capitalist orgy, at least give out condoms of compassion to go with it.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Ooh, only 288 shopping days until Simchas Torah!
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Here is the 337th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Dec. 25, 2010. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Host: Dave Lefkowitz
Guest: Dave’s wife Joyce
Featuring: Dave is joined by his lovely wife, Joyce, in celebrating Festivus and other seasonal holidays via decidedly non-traditional music.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN – Festivus 00:22:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Xmas 00:38:00 GUEST: Joyce 00:59:00 Dave 01:11:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – More Xmas 01:34:30 DAVE GOES OFF – Airport Screenings 01:44:00 More News 01:47:00 SATURDAY SEGUE: Xmas Continued 02:00:00 GUEST: Joyce Weil 02:03:00 Bob Dylan: “Sooner & Later” (Xmas) 02:25:30 Dave & Joyce 02:52:00 Sponsors 02:57:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Dec. 25, 2010 Playlist: “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies” (00:22:00) & “Auld Lang Syne” (01:30:00 & 02:01:00) & “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” (02:40:30; Flatulina). “The Lonely Jew on Christmas” (00:24:00; South Park). “Santa Claus is Watching You” (00;26:00; Ray Stevens). “My First Christmas as a Woman” (00:30:00; The Vandals). “It’s So Chic to Be Pregnant at Christmas” (00:32:00; Nancy White). “Gridlock Christmas” (00:35:00; The Hollytones). “Jingle Bells” (00:41:00; Barking Dogs). “Mr. Chicken Does Jingle Bells” (00:43:00). “Farm Animal Jingle Bells” (00:45:00) & “The Diarrhea Song” (Youtube clips; 00:50:00). “There Ain’t No Santa Claus on the Evening Stage” (01:10:00; Captain Beefheart). “I’m a Christmas Tree” (01:14:00; Wild Man Fischer & Dr. Demento). “A Terrorist Christmas” (01:15:00; James & Kling). “We Killed Santa Claus” (01:18:00) & “Santasia” (01:54:00; Baxter Holvoe), “Hanukkah Rocks” (01:19:30; Gefilte Joe & the Fish). “Christmas in Cape Town” (01:23:00; Randy Newman). “No Christmas in Kentucky” (01:27:00; Phil Ochs). “River” (01:47:00; Joni Mitchell). “There Ain’t No Santa Claus” (01:51:00; Benny Bell). “A Christmas Carol” (01:58:30) & “The Masochism Tango” 02:37:00; Tom Lehrer). “Do You Hear What I Hear” (02:03:30), “The Christmas Blues” (02:06:30), “Gospel Plow” (02:09:30), “I Believe in You” (00:39:00), “Must Be Santa” (02:16:00) & “Forever Young” (live; 02:18:30; Bob Dylan). “Where the Wild Roses Grow” (02:41:00; Nick Cave). “Never You Change” (02:45:00; Toots & the Maytals). “The Sound of Silence” (02:49:00; Simon & Garfunkel).
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Here is the 299th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 14, 2008. Info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz guest co-host: Jeff Goodman guests: Rabbi Sol Solomon (spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, NY), author Lisa Alcalay Klug (“Cool Jews”) & songwriter Gina Beltrami (“I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me)”), theater critic Charles Gross.
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon and guest co-host Jeff Goodman chat with author Lisa Alcalay Klug (Cool Jews) and songwriter Gina Beltrami (“I Farted on Santa’s Lap”).
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:12:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Lisa Alcalay Klug w/ caller Charles Gross 00:31:00 GUEST: Gina Beltrami 00:47:00 DAVE GOES OUT
December 14, 2008 Playlist: “I Farted on Santa’s Lap” (The Little Stinkers), “Maoz Tsuris” (Rabbi Sol Solomon).
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater.
Lisa Alcalay KlugCharles GrossJeff GoodmanRabbi Sol Solomon
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Here is the 252nd episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 23, 2007. Info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz guest: monologist Josh Lefkowitz Featuring: Dave chats with monologist Josh Lefkowitz (no relation); Inside Broadway; Song: “The 12 Days of Nothing.”
00:12:00 DAVE GOES IN 00:20:00 GUEST: Josh Lefkowitz 00:51:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – News, Finn Songs & Piano Teacher 00:58:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Dec. 23, 2007 Playlist: “Pubic Hair” (Dave, unreleased) & “The 12 Days of Nothing” (Rabbi Sol Solomon).
Josh LefkowitzJosh LefkowitzElizabeth Franz in The Piano TeacherXmas Overload
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Here is the 201st episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 31, 2006. Info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz guest co-host: Jeff Goodman
guests: Mike Chimeri, Tom Ross, Bonnie D. Graham, Charles Gross, Rozanna Beaumont, Brother Clarence Thomas, James Hodge, Joel Blumberg, and Dave’s wife Joyce.
Featuring: A special episode with Dave and co-host Jeff Goodman ushering in the New Year with guests from WGBB’s roster, phone callers and fun.
Note: Joel Blumberg passed away Dec. 17, 2010 at age 64.
Note: The program was edited down from its broadcast length to fit onto three CDs. Remember CDs?)
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:12:00 Guest: Mike Chimeri 00:27:30 Guest: WGBB Programmer Tom Ross 00:37:30 Party Favors 00:41:00 Yo Soy Sauce 00:46:00 Guest: Brother Clarence Thomas 00:56:00 DAVE & JEFF: Dave Hates Xmas 00:59:00 Guest: Charles Gross 01:17:00 Guest: Rozanna Beaumont 01:24:30 Nova Scotia New Year w/ Joel Blumberg 01:29:00 Plugz 01:40:30 Dave’s Family (w/ Philip Lefkowitz, David Lippman) 01:53:00 Guest: Larry Gange from Galaxie Caterers 01:58:00 The Passings of 2006 02:03:30 The Pinnacle! w/ Joyce 02:27:00 “Frank Rizzo” 02:40:30 Guests: James Hodge & Nana 02:51:00 A message from Bonnie D. Graham 02:53:00 Thank Yous 03:19:00 Midwest New Year 03:23:00 The Finale
Dec. 31, 2007 Playlist: “Ring Out Solstice Bells” (00:07:00; Jethro Tull). “New Coat of Paint” (01:37:00; Tom Waits). “Happy Days are Here Again” (02:31:30; Tiny Tim). “Auld Lang Syne” (02:57:00; Guy Lombardo). “Forever Young” (live; 03:05:00; Bob Dylan & the Band). “These are Days” (03:24:00; 10,000 Maniacs).
Tom RossMike ChimeriBonnie D. GrahamRozanna BeaumontJames HodgeJoel BlumbergCharles GrossJeff Goodmanyour host
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2005, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2005 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 107th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 23, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz
Featuring: A very musical holiday show, including Inside Broadway and the satirical News Gone By.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:07:00 Dave on Xmas 00:19:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – Holiday Shows 00:27:00 NEWS GONE BY w/ “Santasia” poem 00:33:00 POEM: Santasia (Dave) 00:51:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Dec. 23, 2004 Playlist: “A Christmas Carol” (Tom Lehrer); “My Doggy’s Christmas Gift” (Dave, unreleased); “We Killed Santa Claus” (Dave, unreleased); “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Joseph Spence); “Santasia” (Dave, unreleased); “(I’m Having a) Gay Christmas” (Peter Fitzgerald, unreleased); “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas” (Rabbi Sol Solomon, unreleased, encore from 12/22/02 show), “Another Christmas Song” (Cab City Combo).
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS
by Peter Fitzgerald (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Oh oh oh!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just my lover and me We’ve got a goose in the oven, and vibrating novelties on the tree. I’m having a gay Christmas! Makes me feel so young. The lights are glowing, the wind is blowing, And the stockings are well-hung.
I’m having a gay Christmas, carolers at the door Each one gets a flavored condom If I can put it on `em, I give `em one more I’m having a gay Christmas, shouting Ho Ho Ho! I sing and dance and unzip my pants Underneath the mistletoe.
Now, too many people are too uptight, And they miss the beauty of a silent night But ask my partner, that’s not how I am When I poke his long, and he smokes my ham.
I’m having a sissy Christmas, full of yuletide cheer I’m greasin’ up my chimney `cause between you and me, Santa’s queer! He’s a bringing a load of presents I’m gonna wear them all And if candy canes leave sticky stains, I’ll return them at the mall.
Now Christmas is a wonderful word The sexiest word I’ve ever heard. It starts with Christ, and ends in ass, And “mm” in between for a great big mass!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just like Jesus did The thought of him kissing Judas makes me want to molest a kid (no!) I’m having a gay Christmas, eggnog by the fire I wax my thighs and fantasize About the Vienna Boys Choir.
Now Christmas is a time of joy For every girl and, especially, boy. And on December 24th, Santa’s pole points north, north, north!
I’m having a gay Christmas, yule log on the tube I’m making my special icing, and basting the goose with k.y. lube I’m having a gay Christmas, fruitcakes filled with rum I shake and bake until I make all ye faithful cum!
Host: Dave Lefkowitz
