WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY – List & Links

For listeners with strong constitutions, here are the audio archives and transcripts of THE WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY. You have been warned . . .

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THE WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY

#058 – Johnny Cash

#057 – Apples

#056 – Mad Scientist

#055 – AgFair

#054 – Nightclub

#053 – Death

#052 – Miles Davis

#051 – Crops

#050 – Noodles

#049 – New Planet

#048 – Zoo

#047 – Chimney

#046 – Surgeon

#045 – Picnic

#044 – UPenn

#043 – Dick Van Dyke

#042 – Mrs. Disney

#041 – Fisherman

#040 – David Cassidy

#039 – Soprano

#038 – Havel

#037 – Wang Chow

#036 – Salk

#035 – Weightlifter

#034 – Operetta

#033 – Hangover

#032 – Uber

#031 – Chess Match

#030 – Horse Show

#029 – Harry Potter

#028 – Lucy

#027 – Hurricane

#026 – Autopsy

#025 – Disco

#024 – Screenwriter

#023 – Egypt

#022 – Broccoli

#021 – Producer

#020 – The Beatles

#019 – The Who

#018 – The Beach Boys

#017 – Tree Hall

#016 – Wig

#015 – Restaurants

#014 – Tracy Morgan

#013 – Old Tea

#012 – Coppola

#011 – Murrow

#010 – Doves

#009 – Reese

#008 – Tiara

#007 – Lawn

#006 – Murphy

#005 – Nazi Muffins

#004 – Nose

#003 – Nerds

#002 – ALA Font

#001 – Oprah

Dave’s Gone By Pun #58: JOHNNY CASH


zz-pun-058-johnnycash

Segment aired March 19, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
58.
Johnny Cash had just finished a grueling tour and decided to treat himself to an exotic vacation. He chose an African safari that went deep into the jungle. Accompanying Johnny was an old Mexican tour guide, whose lineage stretched all the way back to the Mayan civilization 600 years ago. Still, Johnny didn’t like him somehow.

“Follow me, Señor Cash,” said the guide. “It’s the heat of the day, so all the wild animals are sleeping in the sun. That means if we’re quiet, we can come up close to them without getting hurt.” Johnny Cash nods and follows the guide, and he’s amazed when they sneak right past a sleeping rhino. Minutes later, they come upon a snoozing hyena, and they tiptoe ever so silently by it.

Not long after, they come upon a huge lion, snoring gently in the sunshine. The guide starts creeping past it, but suddenly, the singer runs up to the beast, pulls its tail, and starts screaming in its ear. The lion jerks to attention, grabs the tour guide, mauls him, and chews his foot off. With his dying breath, the guide asks, “Por que, señor? Why?”

Johnny Cash answers, “Because You’re Mayan, I Woke the Lion.”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #57: APPLES


zz-pun-057-apples
Segment aired Feb. 20, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

57.
Bob Dylan and Moby are touring together and stay overnight in upstate New York. In the morning, they decide to visit an apple orchard and pick fruit. They have a fabulous time until early afternoon, when Moby returns to his trailer to work on some music.

Dylan stays behind and takes a tour of the facilities—specifically where the owners bottle their homemade juice and cider. They love showing the rock star their warehouse and the giant outdoor drums where apples are turned into different beverages. So eager is Dylan to get a look at the inner workings of the equipment that he leans too far over a giant cider tub and falls in. The tub’s only a quarter full, so drowning’s not an issue, but it is gross because floating on the surface of the cider are all these tiny brown pellets.

“This is insect poop, isn’t it?” Dylan calls up to the workmen.

“How’d you know?” they yell back.

“This happened to me before, also in the northeast.”

“You’re right,” shout the workmen. “This time of year, we get infested with praying mantises, and they poop all over the place. Now hold on for a few minutes, and we’ll find a ladder to help you climb out.”

Dylan agrees, and while he’s waiting for the workmen to return, his cell phone rings.

“Bob!” says Moby on the phone. “We’re onstage in three hours. Where are you?”

“Well,” says Dylan, “remember what happened that time in Vermont with the apples and the insects?”

“Oh, no!,” says Moby. “You fell in the juice tub?”

“That’s right,” says Dylan. “I’m Stuck in Cider, Moby, with the Mantis Poos Again.”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #056: MAD SCIENTIST

zz-pun-056-madscientist

Segment aired Feb. 13, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

*
56.
A mad scientist keeps getting terrible headaches, so he goes for an MRI and a visit to a specialist. The doctor gives him a strong analgesic, which cures the headache in a day.

However, when the mad scientist sees his MRI, he’s stunned. His brain looks normal, but he finds it incredibly ugly. So the scientist thinks to himself, “What if I can make my brain more physically appealing? A little surgery, botox, concealer . . .?”

Crazy as it sounds, he draws up the plans, and soon he’s in his laboratory with Igor (his assistant, of course), who will perform the actual procedure. Local anesthetic will be used so the scientist can be awake and call out instructions.

“Igor, kindly saw off the top of my head.” Igor complies and carefully removes his master’s cranium. “Shall I get the scalpel, master?”

“Not yet, Igor,” says the scientist. “First get the lipstick, mascara, and blush. I want you to draw a pretty face on my cerebral cortex.”

Igor merrily gets to work, and he’s just putting on the finishing touches when the basement door opens, and there stands the scientist’s wife—in shock, because all of this has been kept secret from her.

“My god, Victor,” she gasps, “I know you didn’t like your MRI, but this is butchery! Stop this instant and put your skull back on!”

“Absolutely not,” harrumphs her husband. “First of all, it’s not butchery, it’s cosmetic surgery.”

“I know, I see the cosmetics,” his wife cries. “You’ve got blush all over your brain!!”

“Yes!” cries the scientist, “and you can’t stop me! There’s foundation on my thalamus and eyeliner on my cerebellum. As you can see, I’ve made up my mind.”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #55: AGFAIR

zz-pun-055-agfairSegment aired Jan. 30, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

55.
Among the surprisingly controversial events at this year’s agricultural fair was an insult contest. Farmers with inventions would go before a “Shark Tank”-like panel, and not only would the best inventors get awards, but the panelists would get trophies for the best put-downs.

One chicken farmer came up with an egg protector, which was met with awful puns by all the judges. A soybean farmer invented a bean extractor that broke when he demonstrated it, so the jokes came thick and mean. Finally, a gardener presented his invention designed for lawn care. For hot summer days, he created a special air hose that would keep moss cool so it wouldn’t turn brown and die. The panelists were impressed but still made withering jokes. In fact, one judge who mercilessly dissed the invention was presented with the grand prize.

However, as soon as they gave it to him, he began to shake and stammer and had to be put in a wheelchair.

“What just happened?” said the gardener to a fellow contestant. “One minute he’s making fun of my moss air conditioning, the next he’s all spastic.”

The farmer replied, “No shock there. He got the Moss Cooler Diss Trophy.”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #54: NIGHTCLUB


zz-pun-054-nightclubSegment aired Jan. 23, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.  For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

*
54.
A talented shrimp rehearses for many weeks putting together an evening of Gershwin, Sondheim, and other showtunes. She then goes looking for the right venue to perform.

First she tries the skeleton of a whale, but it’s too big, and the acoustics are poor. Then she tries an abandoned turtle shell, but that’s too dark and echoey. Finally, she comes upon a small, overturned, concave cap. She steps onto it, starts practicing, and immediately feels at home.

Suddenly, a crustacean hurries over and yells, “Hey, what are you doing in my hat?”

“Hat?” says the shrimp. “I thought it was a nightclub!”

“What?” comes the reply. “Can’t you tell the difference between a nightclub and a Crab Beret?”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #053: DEATH


zz-pun-053-death

Segment aired Jan. 9, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

*

53.
Tired of killing people for a living, the Angel of Death applies for work at a furniture store in New Jersey. The manager is skeptical, but he’s also short staffed, so he hires Death to sell couches and love seats.

Turns out, the Grim Reaper makes an excellent salesman. He exceeds all forecasts and even makes employee of the week three times in the first month. Unfortunately, every other day, the Angel of Death forgets himself and exterminates a customer.

Finally, the manager calls Death into his office and says, “You’re fired. You’re a good guy, but funeral expenses are destroying our profits.”

Death clears out his desk and leaves. But later that day, the CEO from corporate stops in and says, “Hey, where’s that new employee who’s been selling all those couches? I wanna meet him.”

“Too late,” says the manager. “I had to let him go. He was smothering too many customers with seat cushions.”

The CEO says, “Harvey, I’m surprised at you. You’re great with customer problems. Why not this?”

“Problems I can manage,” says Harvey. “But I just can’t deal with the Reaper-cushions.”


zz-pun-052-milesdavisSegment aired Dec. 31, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
52.
Miles Davis was auditioning trombone players for his new quintet. He tells the first guy, “The piece we’re practicing is in E flat. But I want you to play it so it sounds even flatter, almost off key.”

So the musician starts playing from the sheet music, but Davis stops him and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re too good. You keep going back on pitch; you gotta go under. Sorry.”

Davis calls in the next auditioner and gives her the same shpiel: “Remember, the band is in E flat, but you’re sliding beneath it. Begin.” The musician starts playing, but sure enough, she, too, can’t help but ease back in key with the rest of the band.

Finally, the last auditioner comes in–a young guy with a fuzzy afro. Davis gives him the rules, and the dude starts playing. After a half minute, Davis starts nodding and smiling: “That’s it! Now make it even more flat.”

The musician complies, and he’s doing great, only he notices that hair is piling up around his feet. In fact, the more he plays, the more his hair keeps falling out.

“Don’t stop,” says Davis. “And play even flatter!”

The musician obeys, and he does even better, but by the end of the song, he’s bald as an egg.

“Why didn’t you warn me?” he screams. “I didn’t know playing off key would make me bald!”

“Really?” says Davis. “Haven’t you heard the expression, `Flatter E Will Get You No Hair’?”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #051: CROPS

 

zz-pun-051-crops
Segment aired Sept. 5, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

*
51.
A young farmer was having terrible trouble getting his first crop to grow, so he asks a more experienced neighbor for help.

“Well, I’ve seen ya,” says the old guy. “And you’re not watering enough. You really have to saturate the seeds to get `em going.”

Happy for the advice, the young farmer buys extra hoses and irrigation tools, and the next morning, really begins soaking the field. Unfortunately, the smell of the wet earth attracts all sorts of birds and rodents, who peck the field clean.

“It’s a disaster,” says the kid. “Anything the water touches, they eat.”

“Don’t panic,” says the old guy, “you just need a living scarecrow. Visit the hardware store, and get yourself some red, yellow, blue, and purple dye. Then, go in your henhouse and grab one of your biggest chickens. You’re gonna dip the chicken in all these colors, and twist its feathers a little so the patterns are really wild looking. Put him in the field, and he’ll scare off all the intruders while your crop gets fully watered.”

“I dunno,” says the boy. “Do you really think it’ll work?”

“Of course,” says the senior farmer. “Haven’t you ever heard, `If at First You Don’t Soak Seeds, Tie-Dye a Hen?”

Dave’s Gone By Pun #050: NOODLES


zz-pun-050-noodlesSegment aired Aug. 29, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

*
50.
A woman goes into a bakery in Chinatown and asks for her usual breakfast coffee and sticky bun. “I’m sorry,” says the counter girl. “We’re out of coffee. But we have many unusual teas here. Try one?”

“Sure,” says the woman. “What’ve you got?”

“Well, we have bubble tea, rice tea, buckwheat tea, and our house blend which is made from noodles.”

“That sounds interesting,” says the woman. “How do you make it?”

“I’ll show you.” The counter girl opens a bag of tea and then pours a healthy scoop through a funnel and into a mug of boiling water.

“Delicious!” says the customer. “You should really advertise how you make this.”

“Oh, we can’t!” says the girl. “We’d get arrested.”

“Arrested? For pouring tea through a cone?”

“Yes,” says the girl. “We’d be showing Full Funnel Noodle Tea.”