Segment aired March 28, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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Organizers of the National Horse Show are very excited because for this year’s event, They plan to rename all their horses after late-night talk-show hosts. Then they draw lots to see which horse gets which name.
On the day of the race, all the thoroughbreds line up at the starting gate. First out is a middle-aged millionaire on a beautiful stallion. “I have David Letterman!” the rich man shouts as the horse takes off down the field.
Next out the gate is an attractive lady on an Arabian steed. “I have Jimmy Kimmel!” she says and rides off to do show jumping.
Next comes a dashing young owner on a draft horse. “I have Conan O’Brien!” he calls, cantering away. And then come Handler and Colbert and Daly until finally, a 97-year-old woman is at the last gate, sitting on an ancient nag. “He’s Jimmy Fallon,” she rasps, gently striking the horse with her whip. But the animal won’t move. “Come on,” shouts the woman, digging her heels into the horse’s sides, but again, the horse remains still.
The woman tries leaning forward, but she slips and sprawls across the horse’s back. Medics rush over and say, “Are you okay?”
She replies, “I’ve Fallon. And I Can’t Giddyup.”