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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #043 (9/9/2012): New Reviews

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #43 (9/9/2012): New Reviews

Aired September 9, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoX71_XOpKQ&feature=youtu.be

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 9, 2012.

You know, I worried when I was bringing my show, Shalom Dammit!, back to New York, that off-off-Broadway would not be ready for me, that I would slink away with my tuchas between my legs, older, sadder and wiser.

Well, I am older and sadder, but not wiser! I had a wonderful time doing my show at the Roy Arias Theater Center for two weeks last month. We did 18 shows – chai! – and we had the perfect mix of audiences: young people who thought they were seeing Seinfeld, old people who thought they were at Yom Kippur services, and middle-aged people who paid bupkis for their tickets, fell asleep, then went home at intermission to watch “Ice Road Truckers.”

But somewhere in there, we had people who got it. Audiences who laughed and clapped, or laughed and had the clap, or simply rode the wave of comedy, anger and education that is Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Me. Best of all, the critics were nearly unanimous in their accolades. I may not know much, but I do know that when critics hand you accolades, you make accolemonade.

These are just some quotes from real theater critics in their reviews of my show. “A stimulating and exhilarating experience!” Roy Sander, BistroAwards.com. Oh wait, he was talking about his new shower head.

Irene Backalenick, 90-year-old theater critic for Jewish-Theatre.com, wrote: “Shalom Dammit! calls to mind the more political, biting commentators of another ilk. We think of Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce, Jackie Mason, Jerry Seinfeld!” Wow! Of course, she left out Pigmeat Markham, but nobody’s perfect.

Ed Malin, of New York Theater.com called me “humorously self-loathing,” which is only half right: I loathe everybody. But he also said, “If you are looking to laugh at yourself a little, and others a lot more, this would be a good show to attend.” Well, who isn’t looking to laugh at others? Republicans, lawyers, people with lupus – they all come in for their share of giggles.

And how about this from “Two on the Aisle” TV host, Leslie (Hoban) Blake: “Wildly funny and intentionally abrasive – think Tom Lehrer.” Whoa, Tom Lehrer! Leslie, I am not worthy, I am not worthy, I am – okay, I’m a little worthy, but to compare me to the greatest comedy songwriter since Rod McKuen – if you count intentional and unintentional – I can only bow my head very low and say, “hmm . . . what the hell is that on my shoes?”

Now, not everyone is a fan. Some people were offended. Especially the fat ones. Some people didn’t like my poking fun of the absurdity of all religions. Some folks objected to my calling Arab leaders vicious, dishonest, magic-carpet-riding, Satan-worshipping terrorists. Actually, nobody objected to that, but still. . . there were grumbles. Joel Benjamin of TheaterScene.net wrote, quote, “Rabbi Sol Solomon makes many valiant points that are completely on the mark, but his need to shock with profanity, body-function humor and sexual innuendo undermine him.” Sexual innuendo? Moi? I have a bone to pick with you, Joel Benjamin. I can’t believe you’re being so hard on me. I just think you’re being a dick-ensian prude. Penis.

But seriously, Mr. Benjamin goes on to suggest that, quote, “One less poop joke and a lighter touch would have served his mission better.” Okay, which one? It’s like Mozart with too many notes. Which poop joke hits the fan? The one about the pile of poop in a field? The one about my gastroenteritis? The one about getting explosive Taco Bell diarrhea last night? No, wait, that wasn’t a joke, I was still wiping this morning.

Mr. Benjamin, with all due respect, I feed on poop! Contrary to Mary Poppins’s diagnosis that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, I say a bucketful of shit helps people laugh, forces them to exhale and not be so uptight, and then allows me to bring my message to the masses, and my mass to the messes. If I want you to pay attention, I’m gonna use exactly the words and the phrases that will make you take notice – even if it means lobbing Yiddishisms, bad puns, and even scatology. After all, I’m not a Scath-olic.

But to his credit, even Mr. Benjamin notes that I have a “genuine spark,” an untameable whirlwind of passion. Which would shock the hell out of my wife, let me tell ya. So I thank him and all the critics and audiences who came to my show and let me practice my special brand of Judaism on them.

You’ll be happy to know I am in the process of re-shaping the show into a one-act – so no one can escape at intermission – and to make Shalom Dammit! even better for touring and bringing back to Manhattan. I will leave my last words to the theater journalist and author Iris Dorbian, who called my show, “uproariously funny. Will make your sides split with laughter while making you think. A rare combo!” Actually, that happens anytime I watch Fox News, but I’m still grateful for your compliments, your attendance, your applause, and your money. Just in case you forgot I was Jewish: thank you, paying customers, for your money.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29338

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, TempleSons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #041 (5/13/2012): Arresting the Molesting

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #41 (5/13/2012): Arresting the Molesting

Aired May 12, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Arresting the Molesting

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of May 13th, 2012.

Did you see the New York Times article on Thursday about Jewish men and children in the ultra-Orthodox community? Very touching story. Very touching – the men were touching the boys, the men were touching themselves. Years of molestation and abuse – just as it’s been in the Catholic Church, just as it’s been in every community, religious or otherwise.

And what the newspaper article points out, alas, is that not only do fear and shame keep victims from coming forward – not to mention coming – but intimidation from neighbors and even rabbis has protected the guilty and rendered the innocent helpless. Some kid will get molested, he tells his parents – if he has the guts – and do they go to the police? No. They go to the school, to the rabbinate. And for the sake of keeping the community isolated, everything is hushed up. Maybe the perpetrator is reprimanded, maybe not. In some cases the parents are offered literal hush money, so the child can pay for therapy but otherwise keep his mouth shut. Well, unless it’s around the schlong of his Rebbe.

These Jewish leaders are so afraid of the outside world, so loathe to put one of their own in the hands of a goyische tribunal, they will beg families not to press charges, not to do anything that might reflect badly on their little shtetl. Even worse, threats are used. Jews who speak up are ostracized by their neighbors, harassed by phone calls, evicted by their landlords, warned that if they continue to prosecute, their children will be expelled from school and forced to wear their payes in the shape of a vagina.

As I said, this is no different from the Catholic priests, who close ranks around a pervert, move him to another parish, and spend their afternoons draining splooge out of the holy water. It is no different from black ghettoes, with the crack and the meth and shootings and the stabbings and the grape soda. Do they work with the cops? No, police are “the man,” or, to be more grammatically correct, “the men.” To be fair, police brutality, racism and corruption have not exactly earned the trust of the schvartz community. So approaching them is like a chicken saying, “Hey, Mr. Fox. We have a fire in the hen house; come fix!” But what happens is – by refusing to cooperate with a former enemy, black neighborhoods crumble from the enemy within.

Jewish Lubavitch and Satmer communities may not be falling apart on the outside – in fact they’re booming – but if they refuse to address hurtful criminal activity, they will shrivel morally into something so ugly, Carrot Top will look normal by comparison.

Quoted in the Times article is Rabbi Tzvi Gluck, one of the good guys, who urges teenagers to report their abuse to the police. Says Rabbi Gluck, quote, “If a guy in our community gets diagnosed with cancer, the whole community will come running to help him. But if someone says they were a victim of abuse, the community looks at them and says, `Go jump in the lake.’” And swimming in that lake would be a naked rabbi.

Okay, I added that last part, but this is disgusting and disgraceful behavior on the part of my Jewish brethren. Sexual molestation of children is not just a crime, it is an act of evil. And if the tribe is too uptight about sex and the human body to punish the offenders, you put down the Torah and you pick up the goddamn phone. Because the little girl who comes home with blood in her Underoos, or the little boy who starts pissing himself in synagogue because he was fingered in the Mikvah – they are not to blame. Middle-aged men with shmeckels are to blame. And if they happen to be deeply religious, respected members of a religious Orthodox enclave – shame on them double-double. All the more reason to investigate, substantiate and incarcerate so he won’t make a child of eight masturbate on a seder plate.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #040 (4/8/2012): Mezuzah Meshuggah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #40 (4/8/2012): Mezuzah Meshuggah

Aired April 7, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mov2WBjah6k&feature=youtu.be

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 8th, 2012.

“The mezuzah stays up!”

No, that’s not what my wife says when I take Viagra. It’s what a lawyer told the public after both sides settled a brouhaha over a Jewhaha.

A week ago, a woman living in a ritzy-titzy condominium in Stratford, Connecticut, was ordered – ordered! – by her co-op board to take down her mezuzah. A mezuzah, of course, is the tiny scroll of parchment that Jewish people put on their houses to ward off Jehovah’s Witnesses. We place a mezuzah on the frame of every doorway, so whenever we walk into a room, we know there’s a shriveled little piece of paper watching over us. Well, it beats a rabbit’s foot.

Jews have been doing this for thousands of years based on a mandate in the Torah that we should affix certain phrases to our doors. And not just phrases like, “please, no more menus.”

So out in Connecticut, Barbara Cadrenel, a plucky middle-aged Jewess, did what the Torah asked her to do: she put a mezuzah on her door frame. “No!” said the co-op board. “You are structurally changing the design of your home, which goes against our bylaws.”

How did the co-op board explain the presence of crosses on many other doors in the complex? Simple. The crosses were nailed to the doors – not the door frames. Ohhh. Must be nice to have a lawyer in the Klan.

But seriously, to me, the most infuriating part of this double standard was that the lady didn’t even nail her mezuzah to the frame. She velcroed it. Velcro! The best thing to happen to a pair of shoes since taking them off.

And still, the co-op board threatened to fine Cadrenel fifty dollars a day if she didn’t take the scroll down. One week, one lawsuit and a media firestorm later – I am happy to say, everything has worked out for the best. The co-op board apologized to the woman and said, in no uncertain terms, “we were stupid, we were ignorant, the only Jews we’ve ever seen are on `Seinfeld,’ please put your mezuzah wherever you want, so long as it doesn’t put some voodoo hex on our crèche.”

By the way, if you think I’m exaggerating the board’s dumbness, this is what their attorney said in settling the case. Quote: “I didn’t realize, and the board members didn’t realize what a mezuzah was. I didn’t realize the significance.” Unquote. The board members didn’t know what a mezuzah was? Is this a co-op or a yurt? And while I appreciate their apology, don’t tell me the second they started threatening this woman with fines and legal fees, and she came back to them saying, “this is a religious symbol. My people have been doing this for thousands of years. Walk through a Jewish neighborhood – okay, maybe not in Connecticut but in New Jersey. Open a goddamn Wiki page!” Why does it take a week of closing in and lawyering up to come out and say what you must have been told the first hour this mishegoss went down?

Now, I’m not pointing fingers or shouting “anti-Semitism” or calling for a Million-Jew March down Milford. I’m just saying that even in this day and age, when we know something about everyone, and we’re a mouse click away from knowing too much about everybody, it’s amazing how people can have no clue. Next time I see someone sitting on a subway holding a rosary, I think I’ll say, “Hey! Nice beads. Do they all go in your vagina or do – what? You mean that t-shaped thing in the middle isn’t a battery-operated control stick?” Well, whaddya know.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29390

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #039 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

Aired March 24, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AONO3DfOp1k&t=141s

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 25th, 2012.

Well, I am back in Colorado after doing my big, whopping, $1.98 off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway show: Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Me, Rabbi Sol Solomon. We did five performances at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a playhouse so off the beaten path, the Bermuda Triangle goes there to vacation.

But somehow, people made it to the theater on East 26th Street. They came to see me talk about Jewish life, religion, the middle east, assimilation, the Holocaust and other hilarious topics for a night at the theater. My musical director, Richard Shore, and I, had a marvelous time rehearsing, playing, cutting, trimming, making the best show we possibly could for the least amount of money we could possibly get away with.

Well, my friends, there is no accounting for taste, which is why I am shocked but delighted to say that Shalom Dammit! the stage show received its first review – and it’s a rave! And not like one of those raves where teenagers lick yellow decals and then start shtupping the walls – no! Our show in New York got a review so good, I’d like to cover it with sour cream and eat it with a soup spoon.

It’s by Elizabeth Ahlfors, of CityCabaret.com, and it’s published on TotalTheater.com. Now: full disclosure – Dave Lefkowitz, the host of this show, also works for TotalTheater.com and he edits the writing of Elizabeth Ahlfors for publication. Their dealings are purely professional, so apart from some bribery money changing hands, her review is absolutely heartfelt and legitimate. Which is more than I can say for my show.

If you don’t believe me, read the full review of Shalom Dammit! at TotalTheater. In it she says things like – and I quote – “A comedy, a passionate sermon, a witty diatribe, a musical. It’s all of the above – in full-volume yelling.” Me? Yelling? She must have me confused with . . . every other middle-class Jewish man in the world.

Ms. Ahlfors also says about me that I’m “ebullient, angry (because why shouldn’t I be?), opinionated, outspoken, supremely self-confident and hilarious!” No one’s called me hilarious since that time I farted on the bimah during Yom Kippur. And let’s face it, that’s an easy gag for a captive audience.

She closes her big review with the best line of all: “Shalom Dammit!, with all its fervor and fury, is a good time.” That’s a money review, ladies and gentleman. And I paid good money for it.

So now we shall see the next step in the commercial path of Shalom Dammit!. We may come back in April and do a couple more shows. We may hit a fringe festival or two . . . because my tallis has award-winning fringes. Or who knows? We may play the occasional Jewish center, nursing home or women’s prison.

If you saw Shalom Dammit! in New York and you agree with this review, do your part! Tell family and friends and people you no longer want to be your friends that you can’t wait to see Shalom Dammit! in your bedraggled town or village. You must know people with money – you’re Jewish! Tell them a couple of hundred dollars they can be investors and gain the satisfaction of knowing they’ll never see that money again, but they’ll have helped spread yiddishkeit, love and possibly herpes to theatergoers all over America.

My thanks go out to Elizabeth Ahlfors, the brilliant, insightful critic; to Richard Shore, to Richmond Shepard, to Bill the stage manager and Jeff the box-office boychick, and to everyone who visited the Richmond Shepard Theater to partake in Shalom Dammit! the show.

Not to paraphrase Hitler but: today East 26th Street, tomorrow West 26th Street!

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway hit!

Note: here is the review: http://www.totaltheater.com/?q=node/4470

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #038 (2/19/2012): Shalom Dammit Live in NYC!

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #38 (2/19/2012): Shalom Dammit Live in NYC!

aired Feb. 18, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgs2DrV7tN4.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 19th, 2012.

(sings, to “Molly Malone”)

“Alive, alive oyyy…
Alive, alive oyyy
Come see me, I’m acting
Alive, alive oyyy.”

Remember a few weeks ago, I did my one man show at the University of Northern Colorado? Of course you don’t; nobody remembers anything anymore. But I’m reminding you. I did a workshop production of my show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, in Greeley, Colorado, just to get an idea whether people would tolerate it.

Well, not only did most audiences tolerate it, some even endured it! Which is why I am bringing my show, Shalom Dammit!, to the next step. I’m gonna do it off-off-Broadway for a week in March, and I’m inviting you all to come.

Shalom Dammit! is a one-man, two-person show with comedy, music and a lot of yelling. It’s my sermon on the problems and joys – but mostly problems – of American-Jewish life in the twenty-first century. I teach the audience some words in Hebrew and Yiddish – words like schmuck and tuchas and pastrami! Ahhhh… pastrami.

I also talk about world religions in a deeply introspective and insulting way. I delve into the middle-east conflict and come up with my hands dirty. Filthy actually. Extremely unsanitary And I touch on such touchy topics as the Holocaust, anti-Semitism, Jews for Jesus, assimilation, alienation and constipation. As you can see, some content is not suitable for children, or anyone for that matter, but hey, it’s New York, so I have to be edgy.

My onstage musical director will be Richard Shore, a talented man who actually went to Harvard and got a doctoral degree from Boston University. See mom? I don’t have to BE a Jewish doctor . . . I got one working for me!

And just in case funny songs and intellectual content and comedy aren’t enough for you, there’s multi-media – I do a PowerPoint. There’s improvisation – I answer your stupid questions. And there’s love, because goddammit, that’s what I’m all about.

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon plays March 13 to 17, at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a sweet little playhouse at 309 East 29th Street near 2nd Avenue. If you blink, you miss the place – so don’t blink!

My show plays only one week, starting March 13th. Tuesday at 2, Thursday-through-Saturday at 2, Wednesday at 7:30. Tickets are only $18. Chai! And if you’re in school or old enough to wear dignity pants, you get a $3 student or senior discount.

Buy your tickets now at brownpapertickets.com. Go figure we’d have a ticket service that sounds like used toilet tissue. Brownpapertickets.com.

And visit ShalomDammit.com for more information about my wonderful show. See it before it gets to Broadway and the only ones who can afford it are goyische anti-Semites with corporate charge accounts.

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon at the Richmond Shepard Theater. It’s the next-best thing to Moshiach.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway star!

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29405

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #037 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

Aired Feb. 4, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 5th, 2012.

Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Groundhog poked his tuchas outside the ground and declared that we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter. A gloomy prediction, especially since three days later, Colorado got its first snowstorm in a month and a half.

So in order to brighten your damp and precipitative week, I thought I would share some jokes with you – jokes of a Jewish nature.

The first concerns Sadie, an old Jewish woman, working for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her, showing her everything God gave him.

Sadie looks, and looks, and looks, and finally she sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? We learn two things, both of them contradictory – which is par for the course with virtually everything Talmudic. First, we learn that concentrating, and focusing on what you know best can sometimes protect you from harm. Sadie zoning in on the raincoat instead of the man’s puckel might have spared her embarrassment or shock or even rape. And so, when we are at work and trying to finish a task, if we apply ourselves to that – instead of getting caught up in office politics and gossip and bad advice – we are more likely to complete the job in front of us.

On the other hand, the joke also tells us there is something sad about Sadie. Here’s an old woman, so beaten down by life and work that she doesn’t even notice a naked man poking his peter at her punim. We must not get so wrapped up in our daily burdens, or, for that matter, our hobbies and addictions, that we become oblivious to the wangs in front of our eyes.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. To quote Walt Whitman, “I am large. I contain multitudes.” I just wish I could contain my urine better but, that’s my problem. On to another joke – this one about an old man.

He’s in the hospice, he’s dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says. “Tell me the truth. In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent.

“Rivka? Did you hear me? I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the – ? Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I’m dying. I would just like to know. During our marriage, did you ever schtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried. What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

This is a charming little joke about sex and death, two things that obsess most Jews and gave Woody Allen a career. Perhaps we learn from this joke that we all have to answer for our actions at one point or another. If not today, maybe in a month. If not in a year, maybe in our final days. Maybe in olam haba. So it’s a caution that whenever we embark on doing something that maybe we shouldn’t – maybe we shouldn’t.

Okay, last joke, perfect for the season. Little Yussi is a Russian immigrant, and he’s sitting in grammar school and trying to keep up in English.

The teacher says, “Class: it’s vocabulary time. Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word. Cultivate. Use it in a sentence. Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi. What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

I didn’t say it was a good joke, I just said it was a joke. One could even say it’s a kosher spin on that old line about the weather in Mexico: chili today and hot tamale. Also, it’s a reminder that puns, although specific to a language and dialect, are universal in their power to trick us and make us go, “ohhhhyy, I hate puns.” And if we can all be brought a little closer together through our hatred and disgust, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29411

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #036 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.

Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.

Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.

For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

All, right, all right, I’m driving.

“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”

Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .

“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”

I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.

“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right, do what you want, it’s your funeral.”

Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:

“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.

Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”

Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:

“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”

The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores like Aphmau Merch Shop, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.

“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t cheat you on the cold cuts.”

My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.

Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29446

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #035 (1/22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1 22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 22nd, 2012.

It is rare for the traditionally downtrodden and fearful Jewish people to have a gay old time. But if they want an old gay time, guess where they should go? Not Christopher Street, not Miami, not Madrid – believe it or not the answer is Tel Aviv.

In a worldwide survey by GayCities.com, Tel Aviv, Israel, was voted the best gay travel destination of 2011. Unfortunately, 2011 is over, so…they kind of missed the boat on promoting it, but still – what a feather in the beret for Israel as a place of tolerance, empathy and, one imagines, musical theater.

Now, I’m sure not all Jews are thrilled about this. The Orthodox Rabbinate is probably wringing their beards over the moral destruction of the holy land whenever two men wanna hold hands and cross pukels. But the rest of us know: live and let live. Just like New York, Tel Aviv has a giant annual Pride Parade, where, just like New York, all the Jews on the sidewalk are too short and can’t see anything. 61 percent – higher than anywhere else in the world – 61 percent of the Israeli population supports gay marriage. As the joke goes, why should straight people be the only ones allowed to be miserable? Gay people even serve openly in the Israeli armed forces. This is not surprising, since a soldier never leaves his buddies’ behind.

But seriously, Israel takes a lot of lumps from Palestinian apologists, self-hating Jewish liberals, anti-Semites and people who look for any excuse to question why America supports Yisroel with money and military hardware. Here is your partial answer: Do you think Syria would make the gay cities list? How about Lebanon? Saudi Arabia? Iran? The so-called new Egypt?

Try being a homosexual in any one of these places and see where it gets you. I’ll tell you where it gets you: pummeled with stones and hanging from a tent with your shmeckel cut off. Granted, some homosexuals may enjoy this, but most would not. Most would prefer the freedom to be what they wanna be in Tel Aviv.

Now, I myself am not gay, but some of my best friends take it up the Hitler hole. And just as Israel itself is a sanctuary for Jews just in case, someday, nowhere else in the world will accept and protect them. Perhaps Tel Aviv can stand as that place for people of the GLBTQAFRZN13Y persuasion. And maybe Haifa will one day be a refuge for the retarded, and quadriplegics will romp in Ramat Gan, and stutterers will hold conventions in Petach Tikvah. Let Israel be the foreign legion: the place where good people with the odds against them can thrive and be winners.

May Tel Aviv stand as a lesson, a goal, a model of how life could be for all of us. Open, free, supportive, and decorated fabulously.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #034 (1/15/2012): Mitt Romney

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #34 (1/15/2012): Mitt Romney

click above to listen (audio file)

aired Jan. 14, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bei9IbNpAI

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 15th, 2012.

At the time of this writing, Mitt Romney is the front-runner in the race for Republican Presidential candidate. This is exciting because three weeks ago, Newt Gingrich was the front-runner in the race. Three weeks before that it was Rick Perry, and before that it was Herman Cain the schvartze, before that it was Michelle Bachmann the cuckoo-head, and before that I think it was Danny Bonaduce, and Ted Bundy, and Jayne Mansfield, and the guy who punches himself in the head outside Caribou Coffee. I think Spongebob was in there somewhere, too. And who knows, in three more weeks, we might have another non-Rom in the red-state sweepstakes.

Not that I’m complaining. The longer Republicans can’t figure out what they want, the less time they’ll have to mount a conservative, Christian-based attack on the White House. Not that I love Obama so much but gevalt! If this is the best the Republicans can do after four years, it makes you understand how they settled on the Bush family two decades ago. I wonder if Dick Cheney was sitting in a think tank going, “Okay, we can either have George and George Dubya or… – what? The Menendez Brothers? The Lohans? Does Charlie Manson have any kids?”

Seriously, in politics, what rises to the top is either debris, like Sarah Palin, or an oil slick, like Perry and Romney. It’s a shame, but if you float on the surface, you wash over those who dive deeper.

But here’s what I don’t get. In the Iowa Caucus held two weeks ago, Mitt Romney topped Rick Santorum by eight votes. That’s out of 60,000 votes cast between them. Less than 4,000 votes behind was Ron Paul. In other words, out of nearly a hundred thousand votes cast, less than 4000 votes separated Romney, Santorum and Paul. And yet, a day later, Mitt Romney was all but coronated as the runaway winner.

Now let me be clear: I’d be happy to see Rick Santorum’s bible thumping lead to his quick exodus, and I don’t trust Ron Paul, who never met an embryo he didn’t like or a homosexual he did. But how did a statistical tie and virtual threeway – and not the good kind of virtual threeway you see on Redtube – how did this dead heat immediately become a landslide win for mighty Mitt? Is it because the Republicans did not want to spend millions fighting a battle they figured Romney would eventually win anyway? Is it because everyone in both parties is shaking in their boots over Ron Paul, because like him or not, he’s the only real game changer? Or is it simply because Mitt Romney looks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and George Hamilton, and thinks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and Max Headroom?

Barring an economic collapse between now and November, Barack Obama has a strong shot at another four years. So maybe the real story of the GOP is, “look, we run Romney now, go easy on the war chest, so we can bring out the big guns in 2016.” Of course, by current Republican standards, the big gun could be Fred Phelps or Jack van Impe.

As a liberal, and as a middle-aged man jealous of anyone with a full head of hair, I can’t see voting for Romney. But if you’re not going to support him, please don’t support him for the right reasons. It bothers me when people say Romney is unelectable simply because he’s a Mormon. It’s like a dirty word; it’s like voodoo to some people. “Ooh, he must be crazy because he believes in a crazy religion.” As if Judaism and Christianity weren’t based on fairy tales and sanctimony. Not to mention sanctimonious fairy tales.

Look, if you’ve ever stayed in a Marriott or watched the BYU Cougars in the NCAA, you know that crazy does not mean incompetent. And as a Jew, I also feel a kinship with the Mormons. We both believe in rules written on giant tablets. We both wear amusing undergarments. (Mine happen to have yellow stains on the front, but that’s not religion, that’s prostatitis.) We both think there’s something to be said for having one god and many wives. And finally, we both believe that the United States of America is a magnificent and even blessed place. Or at least it was until the last gang of Republicans got through with it.

So if the 2012 G.O.P. candidate for president is, indeed, going to be Mitt Romney, I wish him a clean, fair, exciting and losing battle. Not that I wish him ill, but it’s the quickest path to his obvious true calling: future game-show host on Fox. Hey, if he were up against Santorum on CBN and Michelle Bachman on “Bridezillas” he’d get my vote. Just, not against Ron Paul on Public Access.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29457

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #033 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

aired Dec. 17, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Newt Gingrich

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 18th, 2011.

What do you do when a man who represents so many wrong things gets one thing incredibly, magnificently right?

That is the question facing voters following Newt Gingrich’s performance in the G.O.P. debates last week. Asked about his unwavering support for Israel, the presidential candidate made clear that Israel is a friend, and that the Arabs are no friend to Israel.

He reminded the world that, quote, “every day, rockets are fired into Israel” – something people forget when they bitch about Israel’s aggressiveness or targeting of Hezbollah.

Gingrich also said the magic words, “It’s fundamentally time for somebody to stand up and say, `enough lying about the middle east,’” unquote. Considering that every other liberal is a Palestinian apologist, and every news program bends over backwards to make it look like Israel and Hamas are two sides of the same coin, it’s a pleasure to hear somebody say, “No, Israel is a legitimate homeland, the Arabs invented Palestinia just to have a grudge.”

Naturally, the media jumped on Gingrich saying, “well, of course there’s a Palestine, and of course some Arabs lived there.” And the Arabs jumped on him for saying they’re terrorists. Talk about the pot calling the camel black.

And just to seal the deal of Newt being a mensch on this, he also reminded the world that Hamas and the Palestinians still refuse to recognize Israel as a place on the map. Which means if you’re in Jordan, and you wanna take a dip in the Mediterranean, you’d better take a pretty goddamn long jump.

Now, Mitt Romney admonished Gingrich for stirring the pot, for inciting the Arabs with his words. But Mitt, if the Arabs are so peaceful and non-violent, why are you terrified of what they might do?

Just to be clear, Romney and the other candidates also affirmed their support for Israel. They ganged up on Gingrich, but it’s not like he’s the only one saying rah-rah Jewish homeland. Does this mean the Republicans are pandering to the Jewish vote? Sure! And more power to them! Pander pander pander! Makes a nice change from us having to go to Obama and grovel sometimes. Not all the time – he’s a friend – but sometimes.

Politicians on both sides pander to every special interest group, from oil frackers to casino builders, so if Republicans wanna make nice-nice to the only democracy in the middle east, I’m down with that. And if Newt Gingrich is the only one with the stones to really tell it like it is, that should be taken into consideration.

Alas for him, we also have to take into consideration that Newt is anti-gay, anti-art funding, and not exactly a fan of separating church from state. Last week he called my house. Well, not him, some kind of automatic tape recorder. It called my house to lambaste Obama and decry the way America has gone downhill under his stewardship. So I heard the usual Republican shpiel about taxes, and too much government and taking America back. But Newt also tossed in the word “secular.” In a negative way. We must rescue America from the godless blue staters and their secular ways.

Well, “sec” on this, Newt. America may be one nation under God, but it ain’t for you to say which God that is. For me, it’s HaShem. For you it’s the bearded guy. For the Chinese, it’s a bunch of dead ancestors. Which must be pretty confusing for a Chinese kid wondering which god to ask for a bike for Christmas. “Is it great-great-grandma Chong? No, she only gives musical instruments. What about Uncle Gao from the Tang Dynasty? No he’s the one who pays you when your teeth fall out. Crap, I know I’ll get another sweater, I know it!”

But I digress. Let’s give a qualified cheer to Newt Gingrich. I can’t say he has my vote, but he has my gratitude for pushing past the platitudes with the fortitude and certitude of his attitude. Keep at it, dude.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-16f