Category: ARCHIVES – Puns

The Wretched Puns of Destiny

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #049 (8/15/2015): NEW PLANET

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Segment aired Aug. 15, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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49.
A French astronomer thrills his colleagues when he calls them over to his telescope and shows them his discovery: a new planet.

“That’s amazing!” they say. “Can you tell what it’s made out of?”

“From what I can see, it’s a bunch of molecular clusters that formed into a giant polymer.”

“We must alert the whole scientific community,” says another colleague. “Hey, have you named it yet?”

“No,” says the astronomer. “I’m stuck on that part.”

“Well, what about naming it after yourself?”

“I thought about that, but my first name is Jean, which would sound silly: Planet Jean. And my last name is Eugenia, which, as you know, already is a planet.”

Another scientist chimes in, “Well, what about naming it based on how it looks?”

“Not a bad idea,” says Jean, looking through his telescope. “Well, its surface is smooth, and the color is yellowish white. It’s slightly more ovoid than round. Maybe we should call it, Planet Egg.”

“Okay,” says the head of the lab. “We should sent out a press release to all the journals, Scientific American, Astronomy Now, Sky and Telescope, and Italian Cuisine Magazine.

“Wait,” says the astronomer. “I get the journals and the science books. But why Italian Cuisine?”

“Because,” says the colleague. “You found an Egg Planet Polymer, Jean.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #048 (8/8/2015): ZOO

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Segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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48.
A new trainee at the L.A. Zoo is learning the ropes of both the apiary and the small aquatic mammals section.

On his first morning, the supervisor tells him, “You’re in luck. We just got a huge beehive shipped from a zoo in San Francisco. These are great bees to work with because the Bay Area weather makes them very docile. That’s why we’re going to crossbreed them with our more aggressive honeybees from Africa.”

So they spend a productive morning with the bees, and then after lunch, they look at the muskrats and beavers and otters and other small mammals.

The next day, they do the same routine. They check the beehive and see how many are mating, how many aren’t, and how many didn’t survive. Amazingly, only one bee from San Francisco hasn’t survived through the night. The trainee delicately scoops it up in a container and is about to throw it away when the supervisor says, “No time! I just got a text. We have to head over to the mammals.”

They get there and they see one of the otters floating face down. “What happened?” says the supervisor.

“Well, he was old,” answers the veteran zookeeper. “He was getting his medicinal bath when his heart gave out. I’m afraid you two will have dispose of him.”

So the supervisor and the trainee delicately remove the otter from the bath. The trainee then puts the mammal in a crate with the dead bee from San Francisco. He’s about to toss them both in the dumpster when the supervisor stops him. “No, no, no!” he cries. “They have to be separate.”

“How come?” the trainee asks.

“Don’t you know?” says the supervisor. “You can’t throw the Bay Bee out with the Bath Otter.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #047 (8/2/2015): CHIMNEY

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Segment aired Aug. 2, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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47.
Before he moved into his big house in the Hollywood Hills, actor Joaquin Phoenix needed to have the place cleaned out. He hired a crew for the job, who inspected the house and made their report. The crew chief told Phoenix that the interior was in good shape except for the fireplace. “It’s a disaster up there,” he said. “First, there’s all this rotting wood just stacked in a mound halfway up the chimney.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” says the actor.

“It wouldn’t be,” replies the chief, “but the rot has been a breeding ground for thousands of insects. In order to kill the bugs, we have to clean and disinfect every inch of the chimney.”

The actor responds, “Well, I’m sure you have your own chemicals. But if you want, I’ve also got two bottles of ammonia under the sink.”

“Sure,” says the chief, who sets his crew to work. A half hour later, he checks on the chimney, only to see his best worker sprawled out with a thermometer in his mouth.

“Oh, boss,” he says, “I don’t feel so hot.”

“What’s the matter?” says the chief.

“Can’t you tell?” says the worker. “I’ve got the Joaquin Ammonia in the Buggy Woody Flue.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #046 (7/25/2015): SURGEON

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The 46th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 25, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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46.
A surgeon is being considered for a major position at a hospital. He tells the board his specialty is curing various forms of hepatitis.

“How do you do it?” they ask.

“I have two methods,” the doctor says. “If the disease hasn’t spread much, I open the patient up, and I use a piece of volcanic rock to sand down parts of the liver, while leaving the healthy tissue to heal.”

“Sounds fascinating,” says the board. “But what about when the organ is unsalvageable?”

“Then I operate,” the doctor replies, “but in a much less invasive way than usual because I make a tiny incision and pull the liver out through the belly button, reducing both scarring and healing time.”

Excited by these explanations, the hospital board puts the surgeon to the test. Over a grueling day, they have him see six patients, three with liver inflammation, three with full-blown hep.

As he described, the doctor uses lava rock on the first three people, and his special surgery on the rest. The next morning, all six patients are x-rayed, with the board members gauging the results.

Alas for the surgeon, he proves only half successful. The first three patients look fine, with their abraded organs already starting to reconstitute. But the sicker patients are a shock:

although the surgeon said he took their livers out, the x-rays show conclusively that the organs are still there, in their bodies.

“I’m sorry,” says the board, “you did fine with the sanding down, but your surgical procedure doesn’t work at all.”

“You mean, I don’t get the job?” sighs the surgeon.

“Of course not,” says the board. “You Pumiced, But you couldn’t De-Liver.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #045 (7/18/2015): PICNIC

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The 45th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 18, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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45.
Scandal erupted at this year’s town picnic when a two-man team was caught cheating during the three-legged race. It seemed the runners, who won the race, used an artificial, retractable fourth appendage which, literally, gave them a leg up on the competition.

Cameras caught the chicanery, however, and the judges called the men to an urgent meeting.

“Nowhere in the rules does it say,” said the men, “that we can’t use an extra limb.”

The judges harrumphed, “That’s ridiculous! The whole idea of a three-legged race is to use only three legs. Give back the trophy!”

“You mean we’re disqualified?” came the reply.

“Of course,” said the judges, “you Four-Footed.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #044 (7/11/2015): UPENN

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The 44th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 11, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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44.
The summer before his senior year, a University of Pennsylvania student proposes to his girlfriend. He wants the wedding in Philadelphia, but she demands they get married in Jefferson County because her family, from her great-great-grandfather all the way to her dad, has lived and worked in the coal mines there for generations.

After the ceremony and a little drunk, the guy is driving his bride back towards campus.

Unfortunately, a cop stops him for speeding and weaving a little out of his lane. “Aw, come on, officer,” says the student. “It’s my wedding day.”

“Don’t argue,” says the cop. “You’re speeding and driving under the influence.”

“I may be a little tipsy,” admits the student, “but if you bring this to court, no jury on earth would convict me. I’d even represent myself!”

“Ha!” says the cop. “You’re just a college kid. Studying what, history?”

“Engineering,” comes the reply.

“So you’re an engineer, and you’re gonna defend yourself in court?”

“That’s right,” says the student. “Engineering is my major. But thanks to her dad, now I have a Miner In-Law.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #043 (7/4/2015): DICK VAN DYKE

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The 43rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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43.
On his first trip to Thailand, Dick Van Dyke goes walking through the streets of Bangkok to take in the sights. He comes to the French quarter and notices all sorts of decorations, such as flowers, hearts and cupids. His translator explains that, just like in America, it’s Valentine’s Day, which is celebrated all over Thailand but especially by the romantic French.

“How nice!” says Dick Van Dyke, who waves at a passerby and says, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy co-star!” comes the reply.

Puzzled, the comic actor waves at another stranger and wishes her a happy Valentine’s Day.

“Happy co-star to you!” the woman answers.

Flummoxed, Van Dyke turns to his translator and asks, “What does French Valentine’s Day have to do with my co-star?”

“It’s an abbreviation,” says his companion. “Happy co-star is short for `Merry Thai L’amour.’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #042 (6/27/2015): MRS. DISNEY

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Segment aired June 27, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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42.
This isn’t well known, but one of the many men artist Frida Kahlo dated when she was on the outs with Diego Rivera was Joseph Souter, the father of former Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

At the time, the older Souter was in the cosmetics industry, and he was so besotted with Frida that he designed a whole line of lipsticks after her. They were very high end and subtle in

their colors, although customers were warned to be gentle with them because the wax was quite delicate and broke easily.

All is going great until Souter gets a call from none other than Walt Disney—who is not in a good mood. “You idiot!” blasts the animation king. “My wife Lillian wasted hundreds of dollars on your crappy cosmetics!”

“W-what do you mean?” Souter stammers.

“She bought dozens of your lipsticks because she liked the colors so much, but half of them break the second she touches them, and, well, here, honey, you tell him.” Disney hands the phone to his wife.

“I apologize for my husband’s temper,” begins Lillian, “but this really is embarrassing. When I put your product on my lips, it gives me bad breath!”

“Oh no,” Souter groans. “Mrs. Disney, are you sure about this?”

“I’m afraid so,” she replies. “Your Souter-Kahlo Fragile Lipstick Gives Me Halitosis.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #041 (6/20/2015): FISHERMAN

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The 41st Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired June 20, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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41.
The Coast Guard receives a call to intercept a fishing boat off the waters of Maine. When they reach the vessel, they see it’s a small, weatherbeaten craft, yet it’s piled high with Atlantic herring. On board are just a 14-year-old boy and his ancient grandfather.

“Why have you stopped us?” says the boy.

“Overfishing,” the Coast Guard captain says. “You’ve got more than five times the allowable limit for a single trawl.”

“I know,” says the boy. “It’s my grandpa. Once he starts pulling `em out of the ocean, he can’t stop. It’s a compulsion.”

“Well, I’ll just have a word with him,” replies the Captain. “Old man. Do you realize you’re overfishing in these waters?”

“What’s that?” says the grandfather.

“You’re fishing too much. It’s illegal.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” says the senior.

“I said, you can’t keep stockpiling like this!” shouts the captain.

The old man shrugs uncomprehendingly. The captain says to the boy, “What’s the matter with him? Is he deaf?”

“No,” says the boy, “just Hoard of Herring.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #040 (6/13/2015): DAVID CASSIDY

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Segment aired June 13, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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40.
During the height of his fame, teen idol David Cassidy is offered every possible permutation of sex, drugs and rock and roll. He indulges in all of these, but marijuana’s a problem. No matter how he tries the herb, be it in a cigarette or a bowl or a brownie, just a little bit of weed makes him dry heave.

He asks his dealer, “Why am I not allergic to any other drug, but marijuana makes me vomit?”

The dealer replies, “I dunno. Must be the TV show you’re on.”

“TV show?” says Cassidy. “What does that have to do with it?”

“Well,” says the dealer. “You are a member of the Pot Retch Family.”