Category: ARCHIVES – Puns

The Wretched Puns of Destiny

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #029 (3/21/2015): HARRY POTTER

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The 29th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired March 21, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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29.
On their first trip to America, Harry Potter and Professor Dumbledore pay a visit to The United Nations. Ban-Ki Moon gives them a personal tour, pointing out that every place in the building is named after a previous Secretary General.

“Here’s the Dag Hammarskjold Dining Room,” he tells them, “named after our second Secretary General. And over there is the Boutros Boutros-Gali Ballroom, named after our sixth. And these long corridors are named after U Thant, our third.”

“That’s nice,” says Dumbledore, “but before we forget, we have magical gifts for you as thanks for your hospitality. Show him Harry.”

Harry Potter smiles and points his wand at the dining room shouting, “Silvercadabra!”

There’s a puff of smoke, but nothing actually materializes. Perplexed, Harry tries again.

“Abracadiamond!” He waves his wand at the ballroom, more smoke, but again, no gift. “I don’t understand,” he says.

“Try once more,” says Dumbledore, unconcerned. “Hocus Pocus Porcelainus!” Harry shouts.

Again, lots of smoke, but no gift. He starts crying. “I’m so embarrassed,” he tells Moon.

To snap Harry out of it, Dumbledore waves his wand, and who should appear but Woody Allen’s wife, Soon-Yi, dressed in sexy lingerie and rubbing herself lasciviously against the young wizard.

Harry can’t help but smile and say, “Gosh, Professor, thanks. But I still don’t understand why my magic failed.”

“It didn’t,” Dumbledore chortles, pointing to the long corridors. Down one hallway, silver chalices as far as the eye can see. Down another, heaps and heaps of diamond jewelry. Down the third corridor, a treasure trove of fine porcelain china.

“Oh, thank goodness,” says Harry, pulling himself away from the girl. “But how? I pointed my wand at the Hammarskjold room, the Gali room, the Waldheim room, but every time, the stuff appeared only in the corridors. What happened?”

“Simple,” says Dumbledore. “U Thant Hallways Get What You Wand. But If You Cry Sometimes, You Get Hot Soon-Yi’d.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #028 (3/14/2015): LUCY

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The 28th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired March 14, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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28.
Shortly after the end of “I Love Lucy,” Lucille Ball chose to appear in a Broadway musical.

Late in rehearsals, however, she found she was suffering from terrible stage fright and was worried she couldn’t go through with the show. So she visits her doctor and begs for a tranquilizer.

“I’ve got something even better,” the doctor says. “Take two of these every morning, and you’ll be all set. There may be some side effects, but nothing harmful.”

So Lucy thanks him and the next morning, she starts taking the pills. She feels fine, and rehearsal goes great, so she follows the doctor’s regimen. Everything’s perfect until one morning, she takes the pills and finds herself talking in Spanish. It wears off quickly, and rehearsal isn’t affected, but she feels worried.

The next morning, Lucy takes her pills, and during rehearsal, she can barely tear herself away from the orchestra pit, where all she wants to do is play the conga drums. The morning after that, she takes the pills, and the whole day, all she can think about is flying to Cuba.

Finally, the next morning, Lucy hurries back to her physician. “Doc,” she says, “you gotta change these crazy pills!”

“What’s wrong?” he says. “Didn’t they cure your stage fright?”

“Yes,” Lucy says, “but they made me talk Spanish, play conga drums, and obsess about Cuba. You’d think I was my ex-husband!”

“That’s understandable,” says the doctor. “It says right here in the bottle: `May Cause Desiness.’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #027 (2/28/2015): HURRICANE

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The 27th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 28, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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27.
Shalom, Dammit! this is Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. Since it is Purim time, I am proud once again to be an honorary guest reader for The Wretched Pun of Destiny:

A terrible hurricane strikes the east coast, doing untold damage to the farmlands. Hearing about this, the first Jewish President cuts short her vacation to come survey the destruction.

First, she visits a sugarcane field in Louisiana, where the crop has been depleted by the storm.

“Oy,” she says. Then the she flies up to New York to see a cabbage farm that has been torn to shreds. “Oy,” says the President.

Finally, they drive her to Massachusetts to see the twisted remains of what had been a thriving vineyard. “Oy,” says the president once more.

The next morning at her press conference, a reporter asks, “Madame President, what were your thoughts on seeing what happened to the sugar and the cabbage and the grapes?”

“Well,” comes the reply. “Oy Cane, Oy Slaw, Oy Concord.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #026 (2/21/2015): AUTOPSY

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The 26th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 21, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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26.
When writer Christopher Hitchens died in 2011, his body was donated for medical research.

Two doctors performing the autopsy were shocked to find just how many tumors he had inside his cancer-ridden body.

“He has a perfectly good liver,” says one doctor. “But the tumor attached to it is massive.”

“So,” says the other doctor, “just cut it with a laser.”

“I can’t. It’ll get too close to living tissue.”

The second doctor says, “Well, what about aspirating it with a needle?”

“No, it’s too dense; it’s a big heap of tumor.”

“Well, in that case, just get a sander. Like taking old paint off a boat. Just sand it down slowly until it’s gone.”

“No,” says the first doctor. “I don’t feel right about doing that.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” says the second doctor. “If you can’t sand the heap, get out of the Hitchens.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #025 (2/15/2015): DISCO

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The 25th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 14, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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25.
Against his better judgment, the warden of a small-town prison lets his most violent offender out early for good behavior. “Johnny,” he says, “my advice to you is leave this town, go the big city, and get yourself a hobby that’ll use up some of that nervous energy that always gets you into trouble.”

“Hobby?” says Johnny with sneer, “like fishing or stamp collecting?”

“Actually, I signed you up for dance lessons,” replies the warden. “You’ve always been light on your feet, and it might help you meet a higher class of people.”

So Johnny moves to the city, takes a menial job, and five times a week he visits the dance studio – loving every minute. He loves the grace, the aerobic workout and especially the costumes. When he does the tango, he gets to wear a hat and vest; when he learns tap, he can wear tap shoes and a bow tie. He even participates in African dance wearing a headdress and a grass skirt.

But a few weeks later, Johnny’s back in prison, possibly for life. The old warden from his hometown calls him saying, “Johnny, I heard you were doing so well with the dancing. What happened?”

Johnny says, “Tango was great, tap was amazing, and the African stuff was the best ever. But disco? You know, they made me wear a girdle to correct my posture for the disco pose. A girdle!”

“And that’s why you stabbed the instructor to death, destroying your new life in the big city? Because of disco dancing?”

“I’m sorry,” says Johnny. “I just couldn’t take the hustle and bustle.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #024 (2/7/2015): SCREENWRITER

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The 24th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 7, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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24.
A big Hollywood producer invites all his colleagues to his house. The occasion is a pre-release party for his latest film, a remake of the sci-fi classic, “Soylent Green.” As the opening credits begin, the screenwriter notices that the title had been changed to “People.”

He jumps out of his chair and yells at the producer, “How could you change the name without my permission?”

The producer says, “Sorry, the studio thought `Soylent Green’ was too obscure, so they made me change it.”

“And you obeyed? You coward!” the writer screams, leaping on the producer and pummeling him with his fists. Terrified, the producer runs up the stairs and dashes into the guest room, but the writer is right behind him. They tussle and eventually fall on the bed, which is piled high with the coats of all the party guests.

Meanwhile, the police are called, and they hurry to the guest room, where they see the producer now has the upper hand. He’s throttling the screenwriter within an inch of his life, and both of them are twisted up in all the coats and jackets on the bed.

“Okay, knock it off!” says the head policeman.

“Where am I?” says the screenwriter.

“You’re in fantasyland if you think you control my movie!”, says the producer.

“Enough!” shouts the policeman, pointing at one and then the other. “You’re Under a Vest. and You Have the Right to Rename Soylent.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #023 (1/31/2015): EGYPT

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The 23rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Jan. 31, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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23.
An archaeologist doing research in the Egyptian wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art is strolling back from a break when he notices a beautiful docent giving a tour there. He waits till after her lecture and then says hi.

“Not interested,” she sniffs. “I don’t like science types.”

“But you work in the Temple of Dendur,” says the researcher, “and I heard your shpiel; you know everything about Egyptian art, mummies, burial rites — ”

“That’s just my job,” the woman says. “It means nothing to me.”

“But you’re here all day,” presses the archaeologist. “You have to find the process of these ancient kings being preserved and displayed fascinating, no?”

“Look,” says the woman. “I’m sure you’re a nice guy. But we have nothing in common.”

“On the contrary,” says the man, pointing to a sarcophagus. “We have Tut In Common.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #022 (1/25/2015): BROCCOLLI

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Segment aired Jan. 25, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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22.
A head of cauliflower and a head of broccoli are strolling through a field when they come upon a herd of donkeys. “Move, please,” says the cauliflower, but the donkeys won’t let them pass.

“Please move!” says the vegetable, a little louder, but again, the rude animals won’t budge.

“Let’s go find the leader,” the cauliflower tells his friend.

So they walk all around the herd until they find the head donkey, who’s obviously the leader because he wears an ermine robe and a crown over his ears. “Your highness,” begs the cauliflower, “we ask that you order your subjects to move!” But the king donkey just brays and completely ignores the intruders.

Fuming, the cauliflower strides up behind the donkey and, with all his might, kicks the mule in his nether parts. The donkey falls to the ground, writhing. At which point, the cauliflower jumps on the animal and beats him senseless. When he’s done, he lifts the crown off the burro’s head and, together, he and the broccoli carry it home as a trophy.

“That was amazing,” the broccoli gasps, “but don’t you think you went too far?”

“Nope,” says the cauliflower. “He was Ass King, Floret.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #021 (1/17/2015): PRODUCER

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The 21st Wretched Pun of Destiny aired Jan. 17, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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21.
A young female screenwriter lucks out and scores a meeting with the biggest producer in Hollywood. Her jealous colleagues don’t warn her, however, that he’s incredibly impatient and quite old-school sexist, and that she shouldn’t be surprised if he shows little interest in plot, character or dialogue but is mainly concerned with the tone and overall milieu of the story’s locations.

So the writer begins the pitch meeting by complimenting the producer on his many awards, but he cuts her off and says, “Skip all that, honey. Just get to the script.”

She starts reading the first page and the character list. “Skip that crap,” says the producer.  “What’s it about?”

Flustered, the actress begins explaining the movie’s synopsis. But 20 seconds in, the producer is at her again. “Skip the plot, sweetheart. They’re all the same; you know that.”

“Well, what about the dialogue? The love story? The action sequences?”

“Boring,” says the producer. “Just tell me about the sense of place.”

“Really?” says the actress. “You want me to ignore everything but the mise-en-scene?”

“Exactly!” says the producer. Or, as he sings: “Skip, Skip, Skip to Milieu, My Darling.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #020 (1/10/2015): THE BEATLES

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The 20th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Jan. 10, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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20.
During their time in India, the Beatles are sent to a forest by the Maharishi. He instructs the lads to wander through the foliage and collect various foods to create their evening meal, with each Beatle responsible for a different course.

After their pilgrimage, the Fab Four gather in the kitchen of the ashram to share their finds and prepare their dishes. John Lennon goes first and says, “I’ve got all sorts of leaves and carrots and mushrooms, so I’ll prepare an amazing salad.”

Next up, Paul McCartney goes, “I’ve got mushrooms and leeks and all these herbs, so the soup’s on me.”

George Harrison then holds up two rabbits and says, “I caught these guys, and if you share some of your herbs and veggies, we all get a yummy stew for an entrée.”

Meanwhile, in the corner, Ringo is smiling beatifically, holding a basket brimming with marijuana plants. “Good job,” says John. “Nice to have a bit of hemp for an after-dinner smoke. But how does that help us with dessert?”

“I’ll tell you,” says Ringo. “I can make a big pie just by cutting off the top stalks of the plants.”

“Really?” says Paul. “You can bake a whole pastry from the tips of those leaves?”

Ringo replies, “Yes, I Get Pie with a Little Hemp from My Fronds.”