The 56th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 13, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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56.
A mad scientist keeps getting terrible headaches, so he goes for an MRI and a visit to a specialist. The doctor gives him a strong analgesic, which cures the headache in a day.
However, when the mad scientist sees his MRI, he’s stunned. His brain looks normal, but he finds it incredibly ugly. So the scientist thinks to himself, “What if I can make my brain more physically appealing? A little surgery, botox, concealer . . .?”
Crazy as it sounds, he draws up the plans, and soon he’s in his laboratory with Igor (his assistant, of course), who will perform the actual procedure. Local anesthetic will be used so the scientist can be awake and call out instructions.
“Igor, kindly saw off the top of my head.” Igor complies and carefully removes his master’s cranium. “Shall I get the scalpel, master?”
“Not yet, Igor,” says the scientist. “First get the lipstick, mascara, and blush. I want you to draw a pretty face on my cerebral cortex.”
Igor merrily gets to work, and he’s just putting on the finishing touches when the basement door opens, and there stands the scientist’s wife—in shock, because all of this has been kept secret from her.
“My god, Victor,” she gasps, “I know you didn’t like your MRI, but this is butchery! Stop this instant and put your skull back on!”
“Absolutely not,” harrumphs her husband. “First of all, it’s not butchery, it’s cosmetic surgery.”
“I know, I see the cosmetics,” his wife cries. “You’ve got blush all over your brain!!”
“Yes!” cries the scientist, “and you can’t stop me! There’s foundation on my thalamus and eyeliner on my cerebellum. As you can see, I’ve made up my mind.”