RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS
Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.
Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.
Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.
For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.
“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”
Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…
“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”
All, right, all right, I’m driving.
“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”
Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .
“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”
I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.
“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right, do what you want, it’s your funeral.”
Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:
“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.
Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”
Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:
“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”
The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores like Aphmau Merch Shop, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.
“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t cheat you on the cold cuts.”
My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.
Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.
“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.
(c) 2012 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.
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