RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #68 (5/26/2013): Angelia Jolie
Aired May 26, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/0hEA-xui9ds
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of May 26th, 2013.
I don’t know about you, but I already miss Angelina Jolie’s boobs. They were great. They were firm, they were bouncy, there were two of them. They added to the stunning persona that was this fascinating, unstable but smokin’-hot actress. It was a sad day indeed when Ms. Jolie went under the knife to discard her dumplings.
Why did she do this – especially at a time when so many actresses are getting boob lifts and tucks and inflations and lactations? Hollywood always wants to be doing something to a woman’s boobs. Well, so do I, but at least I’m not surgically tampering with HaShem’s natural gifts. I presume, indeed I hope, that plastic surgery has become as safe as crossing the street. Still, I would think twice before running across Queens Boulevard; so you’d hope women would think three times before turning their silver-dollar pancakes into Egg McStuffins.
But back to Miss Angelina. She elected to have a double mastectomy as a preventative measure. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her mid-40s, and she lived only ten more years after that. Genetic testing proved that Jolie had a 50/50 shot of getting the same thing. So, rather than play cushion roulette, Brad Pitt’s wife went under the knife.
I admit, I’m ambivalent about this choice. Of course, it’s her body, she can do what she wants with it. I know what I’d do with her body. I know what I’d do with my body – take it down to a pawnshop and trade it in for a 20-year-old athlete’s with a working prostate. And let’s remember that Angelina Jolie has about – what, 314 kids? If she dies young, most of those children would become triple orphans. That’s a heavy thing to lay on a child, even if they’re from some brown country we don’t really care about.
But I don’t know, there’s proactive medicine, and then there’s jumping the gunboats. What would have been the harm of waiting until the first hints of cancer showed up in one hooter? Early detection, aggressive response – yes. But do you really jettison the jugs when they’re still healthy? Last month in Boston, it would have been nice if the FBI had caught the Tsarnaev brothers before they set down their knapsacks, but cancelling the Marathon on a hunch isn’t the answer, either. If I’ve got sour cream in the fridge that expires next Friday, I don’t throw it out today because I know in a month it’ll taste like New Jersey.
Again, Angelina Jolie made a personal decision that she felt was right for her medical profile. It’s not a proclamation that every woman with a headcold should go under the melon baller. After all, too many tug-happy dentists pull wisdom teeth that still have some wisdom in `em. How wise is that? I say this, because Ms. Jolie apparently has a 30 percent chance of getting ovarian cancer. So, what is she doing? That’s right, she’s yanking those out, too. Go figure, the one woman in America who doesn’t have to lose weight is gonna walk around weighing 30 pounds.
If this all pays off and she lives to 90, I’ll be the first one to doff my cap to her. Heaven knows, I’ve doffed my pants to her often enough. And we should be grateful to Angelina Jolie for her openness, for braving media scrutiny, and for showing the world her sweater-fillers many times before they wound up in a jar. In fact, if there’s a lesson to be learned from this actress’s actions, it’s that women: you only get young, nubile bodies one time in your life; show them off! Girls, go wild! Try that nude beach! Flash those construction workers! Wives, take the indiscreet cellphone pictures and tweet them to those curious 14 year olds.
If you’re an actress, do the nude scene, even if it’s not integral to the character. Showing your tits IS redeeming social value. Ladies, I know this because I’m a Rabbi. Trust me.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, NY.
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