The 37th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 23, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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37.
College student Wang Chow is starting to see his grades slip and his GPA threatened because of his terrible problem with sex addiction. The more he promises to study, the more he finds himself compulsively chasing women, watching porn and giving himself over to pleasures of the flesh.
Ashamed, he confesses to his academic advisor, who suggests that religion might be a solution. Wang Chow tries Buddhism, but that doesn’t work. He then studies to be a Catholic, but no luck there, either. He goes through a half-dozen different religions before turning to Orthodox Judaism. For weeks, Wang Chow concentrates on keeping Kosher, studying Torah, going to synagogue—leaving him no time to sink back into addiction.
However, whenever he gets a few minutes free, Wang Chow still feels urges, so he finds the nearest private place and starts masturbating, several times a day. At first, he keeps his weakness a secret, but he feels so guilty that one day he visits the Rabbi in his study and says, “Rabbi, I no good. I do bad thing.”
“What do you mean?” says the Rebbe. “You’ve so sincere on the road to conversion. What’s wrong?”
Wang Chow whispers his dirty secret. “And you can’t control it?” says the Rabbi. The young man shakes his head.
“Wait,” says the Rebbe. “In the main office I have the book, `Kosher Sex,’ and there’s sure to be a chapter in there that’ll help.”
So the Rabbi excuses himself and heads to the office. After a minute, Wang Chow starts getting antsy. After two minutes, he’s breathing heavily and his heart is pounding. By the third minute, his pants are down around his ankles, and he’s rubbing one out to a poster of Jerusalem.
The Rabbi comes back just in time to see this and says, “Oy! I know you warned me, but this is too much. Even though you follow all our customs, you’re not ready to convert if you’re always doing this!”
“I know,” sobs Wang Chow, “I sorry! I Beat Off More than I Good Jew.”