Tag: enema

A holiday song to warm the cockles of pet lovers’ hearts everywhere.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT

by David Lefkowitz

(spoken) So here it is, just weeks away from Christmas. You’ve shopped for your family, your friends, your special friends, and even bought a trinket for yourself. But oh my gracious, haven’t you forgotten someone? Someone close to you. Loyal, playful, full of love every day of the year. What, oh what will you offer your canine companion?

You can give your dog a toy that would make him leap with joy
Or sneak your mutt a mutton cut of prime
But when Christmas has come, something special must be done
Sometimes tasteful, not expensive but sublime.

You can spend a pretty dollar on a doghouse or a collar
You can pamper her or groom him till he glows
But the thing I like to do – and I know that he will, too,
Is to share the gift of love that overflows.

I’m gonna give my dog an enema for Christmas
All dressed up in a Santa Claus disguise
Each yuletide without fail, I lift my doggy’s tail
And give his little poop chute a surprise.

I’m gonna fill his little anus up with bubbles
And rinse his small intestines out with cream
I’ll sing a little ode as Bowser’s bowels explode
It makes the yuletide pass just like a dream.

I’m gonna pump my pooch with barium for Christmas.
And spike it with a pint or two of gin
I’ll grease him up with lube, and then insert the tube
And stroke his furry muzzle as the tide rolls in.

I’m gonna squeeze the water deep into his anus
No longer will he constipated be
I’ll pump until he’s sore, and then I’ll squirt some more
And maybe save a drop or two for me.

Now, some express dismay at this holiday display
They say, “Dave, perhaps the doggy is in pain?”
I say, “Yes, he starts in grief, but my goodness, the relief
When his doggy doos go doodling down the drain.”

And so I give my dog an enema each Christmas
And squeeze the bag of Fleet with all my might
As gobs of Christmas cheer come flying out his rear
I say, “Merry diarrhea, and to all, a good shite!”

And if you’re wondering what gift to get your spaniel
Or how to make a wolfhound howl with glee
Buy a nozzle and a bowl and k.y. for his hole
And douche your pooch beneath the Christmas tree.
I guarantee: you’ll have a merry, messy yuletide spree
Yessirree, an excremental Christmas memory.

(spoken) Careful children, that is not eggnog.

©2004 David Lefkowitz