Tag: humor

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #183 (4/20/24): PASSOVER 2024 

This Rabbinical Reflection first aired April 20, 2024 on the Dave’s Gone By video podcast. 

Rabbi Sol Solomon offers reflections, and a timely poem, to celebrate this year’s particularly potent Passover holiday.   

Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflections are heard on the long-running Dave’s Gone By radio/video podcast program (davesgoneby.com) and then archived as text and audio on the Rebbe’s blog, Shalomdammit.com, where a transcript of this Reflection may be read. 

Rabbi Sol is also the creator of the stage show, “Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon,” which played in NYC in Nov. 2011 and Aug. 2012.

© 2024 TotalTheater Productions. All Rights Reserved.

TRANSCRIPT:

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the 2024 Passover holiday. 

Yes, my friends, it’s matzoh time again! Time to change the silverware, cover your tables, sell your leavened food and then buy it back when it’s stale — time to welcome a holiday that throws your life into chaos, just for a big meal that’s supposed to be about order. That’s the seder. Seder means order, structure, in Hebrew. So at the seder, we do one activity after another after another, in order, for two hours before we finally get to eat. Then we dine on wonderful things like horse radish and boiled eggs and flat bread that uses cardboard as its flavor profile. Mmm mmm, constipated!

But we do this, of course, to commemorate a miracle. Our Jewish ancestors, who spent decades as slaves to the Pharaohs, high-tailed it out of Egypt, thanks to Moses, his brother Aaron, and a God that actually talked to people back then. Or at least to Moses. They had that kind of relationship.

And so, 3500 years ago, the Jews left Eretz Mitzrayim, crossed the Red Sea — which slowly parted for them like the legs of an arthritic hooker—and wandered the desert for 40 years till all of them were dead. But their children made it to Israel. And that’s where the Jews have stayed until this very day. And, current events notwithstanding, they ain’t goin’ anywhere.

For decades now, I’ve ranted and raved and driven home one idea that even a pinhead like Susan Sarandon should understand: Israel is for Jews. Arabs can live anywhere else. Why don’t they? If all these Muslim countries refuse to make a home for their Palestinian brothers, well, that’s just too bad. There’s no reason the Palis can’t have a couple dozen square miles of Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Algeria, Mali, Pakistan,Turkmenistan, or Dearborn, Michigan. Palestinians want a country so bad? Give them one…far away. Suck them out of Gaza and the West Bank so Israelis can be free and safe…surrounded by a dozen countries that despise them.

Yet for all the horrible news and the burgeoning anti-Semitism, we can muster a smile or two this Pesach holiday. On Thursday, the president of Columbia University—an Arab no less—looked at the swarm of hippie hooligans disobeying orders to vacate the college’s lawns and said, finally, “If you don’t leave, I’m calling the cops.” They stayed, in came the riot squad, and more than a hundred imbeciles were arrested and suspended—not for being anti-Israel (that’s a given for these smelly hermaphrodites) but for trespassing on private property and assuming their bleeding-heart wokeness would be an impermeable escutcheon. Understand that they were non-violent, and so were the cops. Everybody got what they came for: President Shafik got her lawn back (for a day), the cops made their quota without a single speeding ticket, and the brats got on TV crying and laughing and showing every employer in America who not to hire at the next job fair.

On top of this heartening development of cracking down on crackpots—there’s more amazing news. A week ago, Iran sent hundreds of missiles streaming into Israel. I think one of them hit. All the rest were intercepted and bombed out of the sky by the vaunted “iron dome.” Where that dome was on October 7th is another story, but at least this time, it worked like gangbusters. Or bomb-busters. And after that, Israel hit back with a bunch of mini-drones that were mini enough to do minimal damage but scary enough to make the Tehran tyrants think twice about escalation. 

So in these anxious and ugly times, when Jews face hatred from stupid goyim, and Israel faces hatred from stupid Jews, we can be thankful for some godly interventions that are at least trying to restore order. Seder.

And for those who still equate Zionism with oppressive colonialism as opposed to…”my house, my rules,” here’s some poetic justice: 

“From the river to the sea, Hamas had better flee.

`Cuz way back in `48, the world made Israel a Jewish state. 

The Arabs are welcome to work and play, but if you hurt us, we will slay.

We’ll bomb the tunnels Hamas built and turn their houses into silt.

If you prick us, we will bleed, but then we’ll get you, guaranteed.

If you’re a young and left-wing loony spewing your shit at the Ivies and SUNY

Not realizing Al Qaeda, Al Aqsa, Hamas

Are all the same evil, with all the same boss?

Please know that the monsters who caused 9/11

are back as the same butchers of October 7. 

Yet millions of Arabs select them as leaders

and pledge their allegiance to these bottom feeders

who’ve vowed to push Israel straight off the map

Which is why we must blot them, like wiping up crap.

If they think they’ll win and cause Israel to vanish 

“Joder a sus madres.” Look it up — it’s Spanish.

Israel will fight to the very last Jew — and make no mistake, they’re fighting for you.

`Cause if Muslims win, new maps they will draw that put the whole world under Sharia law. 

So Israel will struggle, as lies leave her friendless

And Israel will fight, though the fighting is endless.

And Israel will win because Israel must and grind our foes into cockroach dust.

From Haifa to Tiberius, IDF is dead serious 

From Kiryat Shmona all the way to Eilat, the Arabs can lick Golda Meir’s hairy grey twat. 

From the sea to the river, we’ll make Hamas quiver.

And for year after year, Israel stays here.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Happy Pesach seder to you — from border to border, we will restore order.

(c)2024 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.