The 46th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 25, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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46.
A surgeon is being considered for a major position at a hospital. He tells the board his specialty is curing various forms of hepatitis.
“How do you do it?” they ask.
“I have two methods,” the doctor says. “If the disease hasn’t spread much, I open the patient up, and I use a piece of volcanic rock to sand down parts of the liver, while leaving the healthy tissue to heal.”
“Sounds fascinating,” says the board. “But what about when the organ is unsalvageable?”
“Then I operate,” the doctor replies, “but in a much less invasive way than usual because I make a tiny incision and pull the liver out through the belly button, reducing both scarring and healing time.”
Excited by these explanations, the hospital board puts the surgeon to the test. Over a grueling day, they have him see six patients, three with liver inflammation, three with full-blown hep.
As he described, the doctor uses lava rock on the first three people, and his special surgery on the rest. The next morning, all six patients are x-rayed, with the board members gauging the results.
Alas for the surgeon, he proves only half successful. The first three patients look fine, with their abraded organs already starting to reconstitute. But the sicker patients are a shock:
although the surgeon said he took their livers out, the x-rays show conclusively that the organs are still there, in their bodies.
“I’m sorry,” says the board, “you did fine with the sanding down, but your surgical procedure doesn’t work at all.”
“You mean, I don’t get the job?” sighs the surgeon.
“Of course not,” says the board. “You Pumiced, But you couldn’t De-Liver.”