Rabbi Sol Solomon – Page 133

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

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aired March 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-CzdJjq9kY

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 13th, 2011.

How times change! It used to be, if I was sick to my stomach, I would get gas. Now, I look at the price of gas and get sick to my stomach.

Thirty five years ago, this country went through a so-called gas crisis. After millions of centuries with animals and humans finding different sources of energy, suddenly we were out of fuel. Prices at the pump went through the roof, there were shortages, lines around the block – anybody remember filling your gas tank on odd-and-even days? I’ve had my share of odd days, and I still wanna get even.

But then we learned that although fuel is not an inexhaustible resource, we still had a tushie-load more of it than the government, the Arabs and the ecologists were telling us.

The 1970s gas crunch was a manufactured crisis; the oil conglomerates said “jump,” and we jumped. Our president was too busy worrying how to deal with the Arabs… to deal with the Arabs. So, like the mouse biting the elephant, OPEC sank its teeth into their favorite enemy: us.

But did Americans learn anything from the Jimmy Carter catastrophe? Did we conserve, demand more efficiency, do ANYTHING differently? Of course not.

In fact, for the next three decades, the unholy trinity – General Motors, Ford and Chrysler – went to the American public and said, “You know what you need? Hummers, stretch limos and SUV’s.” Cars that use enough oil in a day to run a banana republic for a month. And these banana-oil salesman made their case. American families bought cars large enough to house Chinese families. In a matter of months, you’d look around parking lots and there were no sedans anymore, just all-utility vehicles. You’d see a teenager driving a schoolbus and you’d think to yourself, “Why is a teenager driving a schoolbus?”, and then you’d realize, it’s his goddamn car!”

So what happens then? People forget about the 1978 gas crisis until…we get the worst president since Mr. Peanut, George W. Bush. Not only does he hate the Arabs and make war on the Arabs, but he’s financially in bed with the Arabs and stands to make a fortune from oil. Magically, oil prices go up.

And people bite the bullet, we manage, we hunker down – until the big recession of 2008. Don’t listen to the media when they say the recession was caused by unstable mortgages, insider trading, terrorism, taxes – I’ll tell you what made the economy tank – our tanks! As soon as gas hit $4 a gallon, wham went the wallets, whump went the purses, and clink went the padlocks on foreclosed businesses and houses.

After three years of economic misery, only now are we starting to taste fudge at the end of the tunnel. Unemployment might be easing, and we’re seeing new jobs – and I don’t just mean three-dollars-an-hour jobs at Nike for a dozen undocumented people all named “Jose.”

But what happens then? The Middle East goes meshuggeh, and gas goes gaga. Let me tell you something. I’m no Alan Greenspan (although we do share the same nose), but I will predict the next recession. If gas goes over 4 bucks a gallon, kiss the recovery
bye-bye.

Not three dollars and ninety-eight cents; we’ll handle that because we’re used to getting shtupped, and we’ve been expecting it anyway. 3.99 – fine. But one penny over four dollars, and the toilet flushes. Again. No travel, no vacations, no big-screen TV’s, no expensive gifts for your favorite Hebrew spiritual leader…

“But Rabbi,” I hear you say, because I have very good ears, “We know, we know! The question is: what can we do about it?”

I say, if mobs of Arabs can overthrow their dictators, we can at least kick our democratically elected dictators where it hurts. No need for torches, marches, massive rallies – yet. For now, everybody get out your pens, your papers, your postcards – because we’re gonna write to the putzes in power. Not these long editorials from “concerned citizens”; those are as boring as the genealogical chapters in Leviticus.

We keep it simple. “4.01 and you’re out.” If gasoline climbs even one cent over four bucks, we will remember in November and give your job to another slob.

This message must go to everyone – from the President of the United States to the Melonville county clerk to the class president of Grover Cleveland Middle School. Doesn’t matter what the party affiliation is – the Republican Party, the Democratic party, the Donner Party, the Rent is Too Damn High Party – every single person in power. Send it to the CEO of your bank, the head of every Fortune 500 companyopolis, the captain of your softball team. 4.01 and you’re out.

Somewhere, among the millions of people receiving this message, will be someone who gets the message. If not, well, I hope you have a skateboard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Fill `er up – halfway.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/12/2011): DAN BERN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews singer-songwriter Dan Bern

Topics include: folk music, protest songs.

Segment originally aired March 12, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #346 (3/12/2011): BERN UNIT

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Here is the 346th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 12, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with singer-songwriter Dan Bern. Also: Sponsors n’ weather, Inside Broadway (Footloose in Greeley), Dave Says Bye to Hugh Martin, Saturday Segue (Irish tunes), Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (disaster songs), and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on gas prices.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: Dan Bern

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:09:30 MUSIC: Dan Bern
00:30:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with Dan Bern
01:09:30 DAVE – Sponsors, Bill Maher & Weather
01:34:30 INSIDE BROADWAY: Footloose
01:56:00 DAVE SAYS BYE: Hugh Martin
02:03:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (disaster songs)
02:34:00 News from Japan
02:40:30 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: gas prices
02:46:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Irish tunes
03:01:30 DAVE SAYS HI – Friends of the show & upcoming guests
03:08:00 DAVE GOES OUT

March 12, 2011 Playlist: “Feel Like a Man” (00:09:30), “Revolution Begins in the Basement” (00:13:00), “Breathe” (00:17:00), “My Country II” (00:23:00), “Bush Must Be Defeated” (00:26:00) & “Remember Me” (01:05:30; Dan Bern). “I Can’t Stand Still” (01:32:30; Footloose, original Broadway cast), “The Song that Goes Like This” (01:52:00; Spamalot, original Broadway cast). “You Made Me Love You, For Me and My Gal, The Trolley Song” (01:57:00; Judy Garland); “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” (02:04:30), “Black Diamond Bay” (02:10:30), “I’d Hate to Be You on that Dreadful Day” (02:18:00), “Talking World War III Blues” (02:20:00), “Down in the Flood” (02:26:30) (Bob Dylan). “This Wheel’s on Fire” (02:29:00; The Byrds). “Celtic Ray” (02:46:30; Van Morrison & the Chieftains). “The Patriot Game” (02:50:00; The Clancy Brothers). “A Pair of Brown Eyes” (02:53:30; The Pogues); “Bounce Your Boobies” (excerpt, 03:06:30; Rusty Warren).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

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aired March 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCkMKFLV5M

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 6th, 2011.

We’re innocent! Innocent, I tell you! We didn’t do it!

And it’s taken only one thousand, nine hundred and 78 years for the goyim to believe us.

Pope Benedict the 16th’s new book, “Jesus of Nazareth” – not to be confused with his previous book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl” – the Pope’s new book officially exonerates the Jews of killing Jesus. His holiness writes that there is no biblical or theological basis to the claim that Jews are responsible for murdering Christ.

Now, Benedict is not the first Pope to say this. Fifty years ago, Pope John the 23rd drafted – and Pope Paul the 6th signed – a decree that says Catholics should respect all other religions, and that Jews are off the finally hook for the J.C. rap. It was a generous but generic gesture, like saying, “Deep down, we still think you did it, but we can’t prove it so…bygones.”

The difference here is that Benny goes into great legal and logical detail on how the Jews couldn’t possibly be guilty on this, then or now.

Personally, I’ve always been shocked and offended by the accusation that I killed Jesus. I’ve never killed anyone in my life. I would like to. I have a wish list. Like this guy who cut me off on the parkway yesterday. Doesn’t look, doesn’t signal, he’s on a cell phone –this guy: hand me the nails! But Jesus? A little before my time.

Now, according to the great big book of myths, or as other people like to call it, “The New Testament,” Jews were angry at Jesus and asking the Romans to get rid of him.

He was annoying, he was making trouble with the authorities, he was healing people, but then they’d die of secondary infections. So assuming the Jesus story did happen, let us grant that Jews may have fomented an atmosphere unconducive to the son of Mary. But they didn’t kill him any more than the Spice Girls killed John Lennon.

As a matter of fact, it says very clearly in the Gospels that Jesus was tried by the Jewish courts and then handed over to the Romans. The Romans mocked him, tortured him, dragged him through the streets and crucified him. Not the Jews – the Romans.

Well, that solves the mystery! Who lives in Rome? Italians. So why haven’t we spent 2000 years blaming Italians for the crucifixion?

Ten’ll get you twenty, it was the Mafia. Think about it. The Romans were always asking for tax payoffs and tributes from anyone in their territory. The Romans were known for eating and drinking freely, and then orgies, like the guidos on “The Jersey Shore.” And when it came to Jesus – first he was subject to a conspiracy, then they made him an offer, but he refused; then he was betrayed with a kiss – just like Michael and Fredo in “Godfather II.”

Since 33 AD, blame for the crucifixion has been diverted away from the Guineas, to the Sheenies, and, until very recently, the Vatican has been complicit in the cover-up.

Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, so if the Italians did murder him, it’s no fringe off my tallis. But to think of the crusades, the Holocaust, the Mel Gibson tirades – all of this could have been ameliorated by some pope, somewhere, going, “I know it’s fun to blame the Jews, and they do make lousy tennis partners, but the Jesus thing: it wasn’t them. Get over it.”

And to think, the Pope who breaks the silence spent his early years in the Hitler Youth. That’s like Ted Nugent becoming a spokesman for PETA. It’s like Osama bin Laden joining the B’nai Brith. It’s like Fred Phelps changing from a civil-rights activist into a homophobic madman. Oh wait, that one actually happened.

Anyhoo, I give due credit to Pope Benedict for doing his part to refute an old lie. Will it make any difference to anti-Semitism? Will it stop hate crimes and skinheads and venomous postings on the web? Please, we have a better chance of Messiah coming next week wearing a girdle, a football jersey and a strap-on.

But kudos to Papa Benny, because to help instead of hurt is always a good thing, especially since the jury will forever be out on who really killed Jesus. I dunno, but am I the only one who saw O.J. Simpson’s white limo leaving the scene?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus nabisco.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32932

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s7

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/5/2011): ELLIOT TIBER & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews “Taking Woodstock” author Elliot Tiber

Topics include: Yiddish theater, directing, off-Broadway.

Segment originally aired March 5, 2011 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.

Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2011 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #345 (3/5/2011): TIBERSPACE

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Here is the 345th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 5, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guests: Elliot Tiber and Jeff Goodman

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with author Elliot Tiber (“Taking Woodstock”). Also: Saturday Segue (Woodstock), Dylan – Sooner & Later (Suze Songs), Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on The Pope, and Inside Broadway (The Wizard of Oz, Riders in the sky).

Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:14:00 SATURDAY SEGUE: Woodstock
00:26:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with Elliot Tiber
01:24:30 DAVE – Sponsors & Weather
01:47:30 INSIDE BROADWAY: (01:47:30; The Wizard of Oz) & ((01:56:30) Riders in the Sky)
02:06:00 Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later: Suze Songs
02:42:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: The Pope
02:49:30 Friends of the Daverhood
02:55:00 GUEST – Jeff Goodman
03:17:30 DAVE GOES OUT

March 5, 2011 Playlist: “I Had a Dream” (00:14:00; John Sebastian), “Beautiful People” (00:17:00); “The Kids are All Right” (The Who, 00:20:00), “Woodstock” (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young); “Zing Went the Strings of My Heart” (Judy Garland, 01:21:00); “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (Judy Garland, 01:43:30). “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” (02:09:30), “Tomorrow is a Long Time” (02:14:00), “Boots of Spanish Leather” (02:17:30), “Ballad in Plain D” (02:23:00), “Suze (The Cough Song)” (02:31:00) & “Forever Young” (02:33:00) (Bob Dylan).

Dave’s Gone By Interview (2/26/2011): STAN RANSOM

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Dave Lefkowitz interviews musicologist Stan Ransom

Topics include: Long Island, folk music, libraries.

Segment originally aired Feb. 26, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By #344 (2/26/2011): RANSOM NOTES

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Here is the 344th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Feb. 26, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: Stan Ransom

Featuring: Dave chats with folk musician and musicologist Stan Ransom. Also: Inside Broadway (Driving Miss Daisy, Molly Sweeney), Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on Charlie Sheen; sponsors, friends & letters. Plus: Saturday Segue birthday tributes to Fats Domino and Johnny Cash, and Bob Dylan – “Sooner & Later.”

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:09:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Johnny Cash & Fats Domino
00:40:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (Molly Sweeney (00:41:00) & Driving Miss Daisy (00:50:00)).
00:58:30 GUEST: Stan Ransom
01:47:30 DAVE – Sponsors
01:56:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later
02:27:30 Weather
02:31:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection (Charlie Sheen)
02:43:00 Friends & Letters
02:55:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Feb. 26, 2011 Playlist: “I’m Ready” (00:09:30), “The Fat Man” (00:13:30), “Valley of Tears” (00:20:30), “I’m in Love Again” (00:30:00), “Whole Lotta Lovin'” (00:34:00) (Fats Domino); “Hey Porter” (00:11:30), “I Hung My Head” (00:16:30), “Ring of Fire” (00:22:00), “Daddy Sang Bass” (00:32:00) & “Hurt” (00:35:30) (Johnny Cash), “My Long Island Home” (00:55:30), “Wainscott Dumpling” (01:03:30), “Where are the Stones” (01:05:30), “Carolan’s Concerto” (01:43:30), “I Love Long Island” (00:01:00) & “The Coast of Peru” (02:59:00) (Stan Ransom), “Pretty Peggy-O” (01:58:00), “Little Maggie” (02:01:00), “Abandoned Love” (02:04:30), “Tell Me That it Isn’t True” (02:08:30), “Born in Time” (02:11:00), “It Hurts Me Too” (02:14:30) & “Blind Willie McTell” (02:18:00; Bob Dylan), “Desperado” (02:36:00) (Johnny Cash), “I Want to Walk You Home” (02:39:00) (Fats Domino), “Scott Walker Loves You” (02:46:00) (Art Paul Schlosser).

Vanessa Redgrave & James Earl Jones in Driving Miss Daisy

Molly Sweeney at Irish Repertory Theater

(pictured: Stan Ransom as “The Connecticut Peddler,” Stan Ransom, Vanessa Redgrave and James Earl Jones in Driving Miss Daisy on Broadway, Jonathan Hogan, Geraldine Hughes & Ciaran O’Reilly in Molly Sweeney at Irish Rep, Fats Domino, Johnny Cash, Charlie Sheen.)

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #6 (2/26/2011): Charlie Sheen

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #6 (2/26/2011): CHARLIE SHEEN

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aired February 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32940 Youtube: Rabbinical Reflection #006 – Charlie Sheen

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 27th, 2011.

Chaos, turmoil, madness, uncontrolled rebellion – no, I’m not talking about Libya, I’m talking about Charlie Sheen. The handsome but unprincipled actor who makes Lindsey Lohan look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Shtetl.

After yet another stay in rehab – ooh, that must have been a tough three days – Sheen pronounced himself fit as a fiddle and ready for work.

Just what CBS wanted to hear about their hit show, “Two and a Half Men.” Only Charlie Sheen’s idea of being ready for work is vilifying his boss – the show’s creator – on syndicated radio.

He called producer Chuck Lorre an earthworm, a maggot, and a charlatan – which is pretty strong stuff to call anyone who isn’t a lawyer.

But okay, who among us hasn’t said terrible things about their boss? I once called the chief of the Southeast New England Board of Rabbis a douchebag. Because he was. But I didn’t do it in public. I did it quietly, behind his back, the way you’re supposed to insult people.

More upsetting in the latest Charlie Sheen incident is his migration into Mel Gibson mode. In Sheen’s rant, and apropos of nothing, the actor repeatedly calls Chuck Lorre by his birth name, “Chaim Levine.” Sheen claims he did it as a way of calling out the real man, instead of the guy’s phony Hollywood persona. Too bad it sounded like Sheen saying, “Here’s another Jew using his money and power to abuse poor, underpaid actors.”

Yes, Chuck Lorre did change his name from Chaim Levine. Just like Archie Leach switched his name to Cary Grant, and Arthur Rosenberg magically became Tony Randall.

But in this day and age, what kind of pathetic loser would change his name to make it less ethnic and more saleable in Hollywood? Gee, Carlos Estevez – d’ya think there’s a possibility changing your name to Charlie Sheen got you playing boyfriends and lotharios instead of Mexican drug dealers and auto mechanics? Just ask your brother Emilio how much work his name got him.

Now I’m not in agreement with concealing your heritage, but sometimes you do what you have to do, to get a job. For example, when I first started looking for a job as a rabbi, I had to change my real name. What synagogue would hire Fergus O’Malley?

No, I’m kidding, but seriously; it is not surprising to hear anti-Jewish slurs tumble from the mouth of a Sheen. Charlie’s father, Martin, has been a longtime Palestinian sympathizer. He even appeared at a right-of-return rally alongside Ralph Nader and Susan Sarandon back in 2000. Yeah, let’s give Palestinians right of return – as soon as Americans have right of return to the 93rd floor of the World Trade Center.

Anyway, CBS-TV has finally said, “goodbye Charlie” and halted production on “Two and a Half Men,” which should really be called “A-Man-and-a-Half and a Moron.”

Meanwhile, the moron believes that he has successfully completed rehab – no problem with alcohol, no problem with drugs, no problem with beating the crap out of prostitutes. Come to think of it, no wonder Martin Sheen is pro-Arab: his son would make a great Libyan dictator!

Perhaps I’m being cruel. From watching “Celebrity Rehab,” I know addiction is terrible, and the nasty things Charlie Sheen says are just his disease talking. Then again, if diseases could talk, my hernia would have its own blog.

I do not wish ill on Charlie Sheen. I do not wish well on him, either. We can pretty much stop hoping he’ll ever be a “Two-and-a-Half Mensch,” but at least he could grow up and get some real help. Why, he could even go to the Chabad people – a telethon his own father has pitched for.

And if Charlie feels like calling the Chabadnicks by their Jewish names, I’m sure they won’t mind.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): PRESIDENTS DAY

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): Presidents Day

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired February 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 20, 2011.

Happy Washington’s Birthday everybody. No, wait – Happy Lincoln’s Birthday everybody. No – wait, make that Happy Presidents Day. Who the hell knows what day it is?

Back in olden times, George Washington’s birthday was celebrated on February 22nd because it was … wait for it… George Washington’s birthday! What could be simpler? Venerate this important statesman on the actual day of his birth.

But everybody knows the best holidays fall on a Monday. If you keep Washington’s Birthday on the 22nd, there’s only a one-in-seven chance of scoring a three-day weekend. Politicians fixed this problem by moving the holiday one week earlier. Leave it to the Federal Government to ensure Washington’s Birthday never actually falls on Washington’s Birthday. These are the people we pay to fix our sewers.

Anyway, let’s not forget about Lincoln’s Birthday, February 12th. God forbid we should have two national holidays so that working people get two days off in the middle of godforsaken February. No, even though Lincoln’s Birthday was never officially shlunked into Washington’s, most people assume Presidents Day covers both these guys.

But who’s to say it doesn’t cover more? Some of the founders of Presidents Day intended it to honor the office of the presidency, rather than any particular leader. But does that mean, when we celebrate Presidents Day, we’re glorifying Warren G. Harding? Richard Nixon? Jimmy Carter? George W. Bush? I’d sooner celebrate Bernie Madoff’s birthday!

Why couldn’t we leave things the way they were? Celebrate a holiday on the holiday. I feel bad for Lincoln; I really do. He’s like the goyische kid whose birthday falls on Christmas Eve. So all his relatives bring him one present instead of two – but it’s a slightly nicer, more expensive gift because it covers both occasions. They think this is fairness. When the kid grows up, he should tell the relatives, “You know.. years from now, when you’re lying in a nursing home, I would have come to visit twice a year, but instead, I’ll come once, but I’ll stay ten minutes longer. Cheap bastards.”

Speaking of goyim, you notice – they don’t touch Christmas. The other holidays they move like backgammon chips, but Christmas, no. Or New Year’s Day – but that one at least has a built-in safety. Nevertheless, I’m sure there’s a schmuck politician out there who’s thinking, “January 1st would be so much more convenient on December 28th.” Only thing stopping the madness is the calendar.

Christmas, on the other hand – why not move it? Who knows when Jesus was actually born, if Jesus was actually born. So keep New Year’s Day, and move Christmas to July. This way the goyim can put up their decorations without freezing their balls off, we get a nice Federal holiday between Memorial and Labor Day, and Jews wouldn’t have to keep explaining to our children why Christmas and Chanukah have nothing in common.

Well, except the fat guy who comes into people’s houses for a nosh while they’re asleep. One is Santa Claus, the other is crazy uncle Mort who needs a restraining order.

And as for Presidents Day – well, if we set aside one holiday for every president who wasn’t a disaster, you’d need half a dozen days. So lumping all the leaders into Presidents Day does have its logic. In fact, why not add Statesman Day? That way, you could honor all these noble speakers – Martin Luther King, Madeleine Albright, Mister Rogers – without going through the controversies: “oh, this one’s an adulterer, that one’s too liberal, this one wears lame sweaters.”

And how about a holiday dedicated to the guy who put all the holidays on Mondays? For the sake of three-day weekends and half-a-day Fridays, the guy who disregarded birthdays, anniversaries, bombings, assassinations, all in the name of commerce, convenience and white sales. We should find out who this guy is and celebrate his birthday… whenever.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32945