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Wretched Pun of Destiny #68: CO-OPS

The 68th Wretched Pun of Destiny airs May 9, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Musician Dean Wareham, of Galaxie 500 and Luna fame, finds himself spending most of his time writing film scores. Tired of commuting to the coast, he looks for apartments in L.A. A friend tells him that actress Elizabeth Hurley owns a gorgeous co-op with a perfect one-bedroom available.

“It’s a great deal,” says the friend, “but be careful. The co-op board is crazy.”

Still, Wareham makes an appointment to meet with them. They tell him to show up at 4:30 in the morning and wear a plastic raincoat. The singer does, and he’s met there by the actress and a half-dozen tenants.

Before Wareham can even sit down, all the board members take bottles of Heinz ketchup and start spraying him, covering him head to foot. Finally, Elizabeth Hurley stops them, holds out her hand, and says, “Welcome, neighbor!”

This may sound like a strange method of apartment hunting, but you know what they say: The Hurley Board Ketchups the Wareham.

Wretched Pun of Destiny #67: BOSTON POPS

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The 67th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment airs on Dave’s Gone By May 2, 2020. Info: davesgoneby.com.

67.

To broaden the repertory of the Boston Pops, conductor Arthur Fiedler starts booking jazz musicians as guest artists. One of the first is avant-garde legend Sun Ra. Fiedler invites the jazzman to his home to rehearse, and Ra brings along his youngest child Seth to play in the backyard with Fiedler’s dog, a giant St. Bernard.

Breaking for lunch, Fiedler comes out of the house and delights to see how much fun Seth is having with the dog. Eager to join in, Fiedler tells the boy, “Watch this!” He climbs on the dog’s back and rides him around the yard.

Pretty soon, a neighbor hears the commotion, looks over the fence at the scene, and sighs to his wife, “I wish Zero Mostel could see this.”

“Zero Mostel?” says the wife. “Why would he care?”

“Because,” says the neighbor, “it’s Sun Ra’s Son Seth, and Fiedler on the Woof.”

Wretched Pun of Destiny #066: EGGS

Hiram was having much success with his egg farm, raising extra-large and jumbo eggs right from the ground. But one morning, he woke to find his crop all cracked, with half-cooked egg white and runny yolks all over the soil.

So he replanted the field, the eggs started growing, and all was fine until, again, one morning, all was cooked and cracked.

So he replanted a third time, and he told his oldest son, “I think I know what’s going on. Tonight we’ll hide in the fields and see for ourselves.”

Hiram and Hiram Jr. did just that: hidden behind some bushes, they camped out overnight and watched the egg field. Just after midnight, three men stole into the field and, with giant canisters, began pouring boiling water all over the eggs.

“Just as I suspected,” Hiram whispered to his son. “Poachers.”

INDEX: WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY (list & links)

For listeners with strong constitutions, here are the audio archives and transcripts of THE WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY. You have been warned . . .THE WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY

#066 – Eggs

#065 – Monastery

#064 – Darkroom Equipment