The 68th Wretched Pun of Destiny airs May 9, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Musician Dean Wareham, of Galaxie 500 and Luna fame, finds himself spending most of his time writing film scores. Tired of commuting to the coast, he looks for apartments in L.A. A friend tells him that actress Elizabeth Hurley owns a gorgeous co-op with a perfect one-bedroom available.
“It’s a great deal,” says the friend, “but be careful. The co-op board is crazy.”
Still, Wareham makes an appointment to meet with them. They tell him to show up at 4:30 in the morning and wear a plastic raincoat. The singer does, and he’s met there by the actress and a half-dozen tenants.
Before Wareham can even sit down, all the board members take bottles of Heinz ketchup and start spraying him, covering him head to foot. Finally, Elizabeth Hurley stops them, holds out her hand, and says, “Welcome, neighbor!”
This may sound like a strange method of apartment hunting, but you know what they say: The Hurley Board Ketchups the Wareham.
The 64th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.
All content (c)2020 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
64.
Tone Loc, after his wealthy rap career in the `90s, was looking to expand his brand. Not realizing the digital age was around the corner, he decided to partner with Kodak on a range of photographic equipment.
He gets an appointment with Kodak’s Chairman of the Board, who at the time was dating Carole King. She’s there for the meeting and listens to Tone Loc outline his plans for branding equipment like enlargers, magnifiers, and photo paper.
The Chairman of the Board is on board—until the rapper starts talking about darkroom chemicals.
“Absolute not!” says the chair. “People associate rap with drugs, so we’re not putting the Tone Loc name on chemicals.”
“That’s crazy,” says the rapper. “I smoke a little pot, but no hard drugs. And I can sell tons of Kodak merch.”
“He’s right,” Carole King whispers in the chairman’s ear. “He’s got fans all over the world.”
“I dunno,” says the chairman. “Tone Loc enlargers, fine. Tone Loc developing tanks, great. But Tone Loc Silver Bromide Gelatin?”
“Absolutely!” Carole King sings out. “Come on, Baby. Do Tone Loc Emulsion!”
The 63rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired March 21, 2020 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.
All content (c)2020 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
63.
To celebrate the upcoming 100th anniversary of the Grand Ole Opry, organizers are planning a major renovation of the auditorium. They call in design experts to plan all the changes, and they book celebrities from many different fields to make the event global.
“One thing,” says the head of the Opry to a small group of workmen and celebrities. “Since his death, the Grand Ole Opry has been haunted by the ghost of Hank Williams. He’s benevolent, but anything we do here, we have to clear with him first.”
“What do you mean?” says Ellen Degeneres, one of the invited celebrities.
“Just go in and talk to him,” says the organizer. “Tell him you’ll be emceeing the show and making cute jokes about country music.”
“How about me?” says basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain.
“Same thing. Tell Hank Williams you’re there to do some trick shots like your early years with the Globetrotters.”
Then an HVAC technician steps up and says, “I’m no celebrity, but I’ve got a chart showing how we can circulate warm air through the building on chilly nights. Do you think he’d want to see that?”
“Absolutely,” says the organizer. “In fact, when we go in, we’ll hit him with the heating chart first, then Ellen makes some jokes, Wilt Chamberlain does his thing, and then you’ll be on the end so you can talk about the chart after Hank Williams takes a look at it.”
“We’ll be sitting in that order?” says the HVAC guy.
“Yup,” says the organizer. “Your Heating Chart, Wilt, Ellen, You.”
The 61st Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 19, 2018 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.
All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
61.
Tickets were snapped up recently when Eric Clapton and Neil Young went on tour together, singing their own and each other’s songs. The fans’ delirium reached a fever pitch when the duo played Los Angeles and announced, to start the encore, that they had a special guest backstage. Out came another rock legend: Neil Diamond, with guitar in hand.
But instead of the trio playing one of his classics, they launched into the old pop song, “Love Will Keep Us Together.” The crowd applauded, but then started shouting for “I’m a Believer” and “Sweet Caroline.” Paying the audience no attention, the musicians then played the novelty hit, “Muskrat Love.” Confused, the audience yelled even harder for Diamond’s “Red, Red Wine” and “Song Sung Blue.”
By the time the musicians struck up the ballad, “Do That to Me One More Time,” everyone was confused and disappointed—except for one smiling guy in the front row. A disgusted fan turned to him and said, “Dude, are you really digging this soft-rock crap?”
“Of course,” said the happy listener. “What else did you expect from The Clapton and Two Neils?”
Segment aired March 19, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 58. Johnny Cash had just finished a grueling tour and decided to treat himself to an exotic vacation. He chose an African safari that went deep into the jungle. Accompanying Johnny was an old Mexican tour guide, whose lineage stretched all the way back to the Mayan civilization 600 years ago. Still, Johnny didn’t like him somehow.
“Follow me, Señor Cash,” said the guide. “It’s the heat of the day, so all the wild animals are sleeping in the sun. That means if we’re quiet, we can come up close to them without getting hurt.” Johnny Cash nods and follows the guide, and he’s amazed when they sneak right past a sleeping rhino. Minutes later, they come upon a snoozing hyena, and they tiptoe ever so silently by it.
Not long after, they come upon a huge lion, snoring gently in the sunshine. The guide starts creeping past it, but suddenly, the singer runs up to the beast, pulls its tail, and starts screaming in its ear. The lion jerks to attention, grabs the tour guide, mauls him, and chews his foot off. With his dying breath, the guide asks, “Por que, señor? Why?”
Johnny Cash answers, “Because You’re Mayan, I Woke the Lion.”
Segment aired Jan. 30, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
55. Among the surprisingly controversial events at this year’s agricultural fair was an insult contest. Farmers with inventions would go before a “Shark Tank”-like panel, and not only would the best inventors get awards, but the panelists would get trophies for the best put-downs.
One chicken farmer came up with an egg protector, which was met with awful puns by all the judges. A soybean farmer invented a bean extractor that broke when he demonstrated it, so the jokes came thick and mean. Finally, a gardener presented his invention designed for lawn care. For hot summer days, he created a special air hose that would keep moss cool so it wouldn’t turn brown and die. The panelists were impressed but still made withering jokes. In fact, one judge who mercilessly dissed the invention was presented with the grand prize.
However, as soon as they gave it to him, he began to shake and stammer and had to be put in a wheelchair.
“What just happened?” said the gardener to a fellow contestant. “One minute he’s making fun of my moss air conditioning, the next he’s all spastic.”
The farmer replied, “No shock there. He got the Moss Cooler Diss Trophy.”
Segment aired Aug. 15, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 49. A French astronomer thrills his colleagues when he calls them over to his telescope and shows them his discovery: a new planet.
“That’s amazing!” they say. “Can you tell what it’s made out of?”
“From what I can see, it’s a bunch of molecular clusters that formed into a giant polymer.”
“We must alert the whole scientific community,” says another colleague. “Hey, have you named it yet?”
“No,” says the astronomer. “I’m stuck on that part.”
“Well, what about naming it after yourself?”
“I thought about that, but my first name is Jean, which would sound silly: Planet Jean. And my last name is Eugenia, which, as you know, already is a planet.”
Another scientist chimes in, “Well, what about naming it based on how it looks?”
“Not a bad idea,” says Jean, looking through his telescope. “Well, its surface is smooth, and the color is yellowish white. It’s slightly more ovoid than round. Maybe we should call it, Planet Egg.”
“Okay,” says the head of the lab. “We should sent out a press release to all the journals, Scientific American, Astronomy Now, Sky and Telescope, and Italian Cuisine Magazine.
“Wait,” says the astronomer. “I get the journals and the science books. But why Italian Cuisine?”
“Because,” says the colleague. “You found an Egg Planet Polymer, Jean.”
Segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com *
48. A new trainee at the L.A. Zoo is learning the ropes of both the apiary and the small aquatic mammals section.
On his first morning, the supervisor tells him, “You’re in luck. We just got a huge beehive shipped from a zoo in San Francisco. These are great bees to work with because the Bay Area weather makes them very docile. That’s why we’re going to crossbreed them with our more aggressive honeybees from Africa.”
So they spend a productive morning with the bees, and then after lunch, they look at the muskrats and beavers and otters and other small mammals.
The next day, they do the same routine. They check the beehive and see how many are mating, how many aren’t, and how many didn’t survive. Amazingly, only one bee from San Francisco hasn’t survived through the night. The trainee delicately scoops it up in a container and is about to throw it away when the supervisor says, “No time! I just got a text. We have to head over to the mammals.”
They get there and they see one of the otters floating face down. “What happened?” says the supervisor.
“Well, he was old,” answers the veteran zookeeper. “He was getting his medicinal bath when his heart gave out. I’m afraid you two will have dispose of him.”
So the supervisor and the trainee delicately remove the otter from the bath. The trainee then puts the mammal in a crate with the dead bee from San Francisco. He’s about to toss them both in the dumpster when the supervisor stops him. “No, no, no!” he cries. “They have to be separate.”
“How come?” the trainee asks.
“Don’t you know?” says the supervisor. “You can’t throw the Bay Bee out with the Bath Otter.”
The 46th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 25, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 46. A surgeon is being considered for a major position at a hospital. He tells the board his specialty is curing various forms of hepatitis.
“How do you do it?” they ask.
“I have two methods,” the doctor says. “If the disease hasn’t spread much, I open the patient up, and I use a piece of volcanic rock to sand down parts of the liver, while leaving the healthy tissue to heal.”
“Sounds fascinating,” says the board. “But what about when the organ is unsalvageable?”
“Then I operate,” the doctor replies, “but in a much less invasive way than usual because I make a tiny incision and pull the liver out through the belly button, reducing both scarring and healing time.”
Excited by these explanations, the hospital board puts the surgeon to the test. Over a grueling day, they have him see six patients, three with liver inflammation, three with full-blown hep.
As he described, the doctor uses lava rock on the first three people, and his special surgery on the rest. The next morning, all six patients are x-rayed, with the board members gauging the results.
Alas for the surgeon, he proves only half successful. The first three patients look fine, with their abraded organs already starting to reconstitute. But the sicker patients are a shock:
although the surgeon said he took their livers out, the x-rays show conclusively that the organs are still there, in their bodies.
“I’m sorry,” says the board, “you did fine with the sanding down, but your surgical procedure doesn’t work at all.”
“You mean, I don’t get the job?” sighs the surgeon.
“Of course not,” says the board. “You Pumiced, But you couldn’t De-Liver.”
The 45th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 18, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 45. Scandal erupted at this year’s town picnic when a two-man team was caught cheating during the three-legged race. It seemed the runners, who won the race, used an artificial, retractable fourth appendage which, literally, gave them a leg up on the competition.
Cameras caught the chicanery, however, and the judges called the men to an urgent meeting.
“Nowhere in the rules does it say,” said the men, “that we can’t use an extra limb.”
The judges harrumphed, “That’s ridiculous! The whole idea of a three-legged race is to use only three legs. Give back the trophy!”
