Wretched Pun of Destiny – Dave's Gone By

Wretched Pun of Destiny #67: BOSTON POPS

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The 67th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment airs on Dave’s Gone By May 2, 2020. Info: davesgoneby.com.

67.

To broaden the repertory of the Boston Pops, conductor Arthur Fiedler starts booking jazz musicians as guest artists. One of the first is avant-garde legend Sun Ra. Fiedler invites the jazzman to his home to rehearse, and Ra brings along his youngest child Seth to play in the backyard with Fiedler’s dog, a giant St. Bernard.

Breaking for lunch, Fiedler comes out of the house and delights to see how much fun Seth is having with the dog. Eager to join in, Fiedler tells the boy, “Watch this!” He climbs on the dog’s back and rides him around the yard.

Pretty soon, a neighbor hears the commotion, looks over the fence at the scene, and sighs to his wife, “I wish Zero Mostel could see this.”

“Zero Mostel?” says the wife. “Why would he care?”

“Because,” says the neighbor, “it’s Sun Ra’s Son Seth, and Fiedler on the Woof.”

Wretched Pun of Destiny #066: EGGS

Hiram was having much success with his egg farm, raising extra-large and jumbo eggs right from the ground. But one morning, he woke to find his crop all cracked, with half-cooked egg white and runny yolks all over the soil.

So he replanted the field, the eggs started growing, and all was fine until, again, one morning, all was cooked and cracked.

So he replanted a third time, and he told his oldest son, “I think I know what’s going on. Tonight we’ll hide in the fields and see for ourselves.”

Hiram and Hiram Jr. did just that: hidden behind some bushes, they camped out overnight and watched the egg field. Just after midnight, three men stole into the field and, with giant canisters, began pouring boiling water all over the eggs.

“Just as I suspected,” Hiram whispered to his son. “Poachers.”

Wretched Pun of Destiny #065: MONASTERY

65. MONASTERY (airs April 18, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By)

It’s been a brutal summer, and all the monks in the local monastery are sweltering—until one early morning when they’re awakened by construction noise coming from the chapel.

The Abbot runs in to see a dozen workmen, a giant machine, and the Mayor with a grin on his face. “Father,” he says, “your neighbors have been so concerned during this heatwave, they pitched in to buy you a central air-conditioner.”

The Abbot stares at the machine, but instead of showing gratitude, he starts imitating the mayor’s movements—every word and gesture.

“What’s the meaning of this?” shouts the Mayor. He goes to grab the Abbot, but the head monk bolts out of the monastery and kneels on the front lawn, where he starts licking the grass—still wet from condensation.

The Mayor turns to the deputy and says, “What on earth is going on?”

The deputy replies, “It’s like that old expression: Monk A.C., Monk Eat Dew.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #062 (6/2/2018): GOLF

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The 62nd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 26, 2018 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

62.

A golf pro is traveling the country and learns about a course he’d never heard of. Naturally, he has to try it out. He hits the links on a Monday afternoon, but as he’s setting up his first drive, he hears the group in front of him talking a blue streak and using all sorts of foul language. He turns to complain to the group behind him, but they’re yapping away and being just as vulgar.

The golf pro calls their caddy over and says, “This is horrible. The course is gorgeous, but everyone on it swears like a sailor for no reason.”

“Oh, there’s a good reason,” replies the caddy. “This course was built by a man who has Tourette’s Syndrome. He wanted a place where people with his condition could go and play the game they loved without bothering regular folks or being judged.”

“I get it,” says the golf pro. “They sound rude, but they can’t help it.”

“Exactly. The cool part is these folks play in all kinds of weather—showers, thunderstorms, floods. No matter how wet, they always carry the perfect clothes to keep them comfortable. Heck, last year they all put on plastic hats, silicone shoes, and waterproof ponchos and played through a steady downpour on Christmas Day!”

“Christmas Day?” repeated the pro. “Gosh. I guess Rude Golf Tourettes Knows Raingear.”

Dave’s Gone By: Dave’s Big Dictionary #009 (3/24/2018): NOCTURNE

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Dave’s word of the day is NOCTURNE, which leads to memories of TV watching with his dad.

Segment aired March 24, 2018 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions.
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Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #056 (2/13/2016): MAD SCIENTIST

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The 56th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 13, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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56.
A mad scientist keeps getting terrible headaches, so he goes for an MRI and a visit to a specialist. The doctor gives him a strong analgesic, which cures the headache in a day.

However, when the mad scientist sees his MRI, he’s stunned. His brain looks normal, but he finds it incredibly ugly. So the scientist thinks to himself, “What if I can make my brain more physically appealing? A little surgery, botox, concealer . . .?”

Crazy as it sounds, he draws up the plans, and soon he’s in his laboratory with Igor (his assistant, of course), who will perform the actual procedure. Local anesthetic will be used so the scientist can be awake and call out instructions.

“Igor, kindly saw off the top of my head.” Igor complies and carefully removes his master’s cranium. “Shall I get the scalpel, master?”

“Not yet, Igor,” says the scientist. “First get the lipstick, mascara, and blush. I want you to draw a pretty face on my cerebral cortex.”

Igor merrily gets to work, and he’s just putting on the finishing touches when the basement door opens, and there stands the scientist’s wife—in shock, because all of this has been kept secret from her.

“My god, Victor,” she gasps, “I know you didn’t like your MRI, but this is butchery! Stop this instant and put your skull back on!”

“Absolutely not,” harrumphs her husband. “First of all, it’s not butchery, it’s cosmetic surgery.”

“I know, I see the cosmetics,” his wife cries. “You’ve got blush all over your brain!!”

“Yes!” cries the scientist, “and you can’t stop me! There’s foundation on my thalamus and eyeliner on my cerebellum. As you can see, I’ve made up my mind.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #054 (1/23/2016): NIGHTCLUB

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Segment aired Jan. 23, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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54.
A talented shrimp rehearses for many weeks putting together an evening of Gershwin, Sondheim, and other showtunes. She then goes looking for the right venue to perform.

First she tries the skeleton of a whale, but it’s too big, and the acoustics are poor. Then she tries an abandoned turtle shell, but that’s too dark and echoey. Finally, she comes upon a small, overturned, concave cap. She steps onto it, starts practicing, and immediately feels at home.

Suddenly, a crustacean hurries over and yells, “Hey, what are you doing in my hat?”

“Hat?” says the shrimp. “I thought it was a nightclub!”

“What?” comes the reply. “Can’t you tell the difference between a nightclub and a Crab Beret?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #053 (1/9/2016): DEATH

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The 53rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Jan. 9, 2016 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

53.
Tired of killing people for a living, the Angel of Death applies for work at a furniture store in New Jersey. The manager is skeptical, but he’s also short staffed, so he hires Death to sell couches and love seats.

Turns out, the Grim Reaper makes an excellent salesman. He exceeds all forecasts and even makes employee of the week three times in the first month. Unfortunately, every other day, the Angel of Death forgets himself and exterminates a customer.

Finally, the manager calls Death into his office and says, “You’re fired. You’re a good guy, but funeral expenses are destroying our profits.”

Death clears out his desk and leaves. But later that day, the CEO from corporate stops in and says, “Hey, where’s that new employee who’s been selling all those couches? I wanna meet him.”

“Too late,” says the manager. “I had to let him go. He was smothering too many customers with seat cushions.”

The CEO says, “Harvey, I’m surprised at you. You’re great with customer problems. Why not this?”

“Problems I can manage,” says Harvey. “But I just can’t deal with the Reaper-cushions.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #052 (12/31/2015): MILES DAVIS

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The 52nd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 31, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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52.
Miles Davis was auditioning trombone players for his new quintet. He tells the first guy, “The piece we’re practicing is in E flat. But I want you to play it so it sounds even flatter, almost off key.”

So the musician starts playing from the sheet music, but Davis stops him and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re too good. You keep going back on pitch; you gotta go under. Sorry.”

Davis calls in the next auditioner and gives her the same shpiel: “Remember, the band is in E flat, but you’re sliding beneath it. Begin.” The musician starts playing, but sure enough, she, too, can’t help but ease back in key with the rest of the band.

Finally, the last auditioner comes in–a young guy with a fuzzy afro. Davis gives him the rules, and the dude starts playing. After a half minute, Davis starts nodding and smiling: “That’s it! Now make it even more flat.”

The musician complies, and he’s doing great, only he notices that hair is piling up around his feet. In fact, the more he plays, the more his hair keeps falling out.

“Don’t stop,” says Davis. “And play even flatter!”

The musician obeys, and he does even better, but by the end of the song, he’s bald as an egg.

“Why didn’t you warn me?” he screams. “I didn’t know playing off key would make me bald!”

“Really?” says Davis. “Haven’t you heard the expression, `Flatter E Will Get You No Hair’?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #051 (9/5/2015): CROPS

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The 50th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Sept. 5, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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51.
A young farmer was having terrible trouble getting his first crop to grow, so he asks a more experienced neighbor for help.

“Well, I’ve seen ya,” says the old guy. “And you’re not watering enough. You really have to saturate the seeds to get `em going.”

Happy for the advice, the young farmer buys extra hoses and irrigation tools, and the next morning, really begins soaking the field. Unfortunately, the smell of the wet earth attracts all sorts of birds and rodents, who peck the field clean.

“It’s a disaster,” says the kid. “Anything the water touches, they eat.”

“Don’t panic,” says the old guy, “you just need a living scarecrow. Visit the hardware store, and get yourself some red, yellow, blue, and purple dye. Then, go in your henhouse and grab one of your biggest chickens. You’re gonna dip the chicken in all these colors, and twist its feathers a little so the patterns are really wild looking. Put him in the field, and he’ll scare off all the intruders while your crop gets fully watered.”

“I dunno,” says the boy. “Do you really think it’ll work?”

“Of course,” says the senior farmer. “Haven’t you ever heard, `If at First You Don’t Soak Seeds, Tie-Dye a Hen?”