The 4th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Aug. 30, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
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4. Years ago, Neil Young visits a tattoo and piercing shop. The girl shows him a case of wearable jewelry. “Wow, those are nice,” he says, pointing to a pair of studs. “I could put one in each ear.”
“No, you can’t do that,” she replies.
“Oh, well, what about this thing?” he says, pointing to an ivory bar. “I could put that in my cheek.”
“No, Mr. Young, that wouldn’t be appropriate, either.”
“Man, this is tough,” Neil Young says. “Okay, how about this ring? It could go on the side of my lip.”
“Absolutely not,” says the girl.
Exasperated, Neil Young throws up his hands. “Miss, you’ve got all this jewelry. You tell me I can’t put it in my ears, my cheek, my lip . . . Why the heck not?”
“Because, Mr. Young,” she replies, “Everybody Knows This is Nose-Wear.”
The 3rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Aug. 9, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 3. A big event for seniors happens here every year, where all the nursing homes take part in a math-and-science Olympics. On Sunday afternoon, senior residents from all the different nursing homes arrive by bus to the town recreation center to compete for prizes and bragging rights. The rules are: you have to be really smart, over 85, wear glasses and a pocket protector, and you can’t have more than nine teeth in your head.
Unfortunately, last year it was embarrassing because one of the buses had engine trouble and had to be towed to the location. It took hours, with everybody standing in the parking lot, waiting for the seniors to arrive.
Finally, after two hours, one parking-lot attendant looked down the road and shouted, “Here it Comes! Here Comes Your Nine-Teeth Nerd-Bus Breakdown.”
The 2nd Wretched Pun of Destiny aired on Dave’s Gone By, Aug. 2, 2014.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 2. This huge football fan is excited that the new season is starting soon, so he wants to invite all his buddies for a party on the day of the first game. He heads to the local printing shop and tells the owner he wants to send out invitation cards that would be fun for them to RSVP.
“No problem,” says the shop owner. “We can make the perfect cards. We’ll put the team logos right on the cover and all the information. How do you want the words to look?”
“Well, that’s your department,” says the fan. “I just want something that’s right for sports, guys, football – you know.”
“I know the perfect style,” says the shop guy. “The American Library Association uses a typeface and font that we always use for this kind of invitation.”
The fan says, “Fantastic, go for it! It’s the Broncos vs. the New York Jets. Here’s a list of the Broncos fans I’m inviting, so put their logo on those cards; and here’s a list of the Jets fans. Just make the same exact card, only with the Jet logo, instead.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”
“What do you mean, you can’t do that?”
“Well, we can do it for the Bronco fans, no problem. But not New York.”
“Why the heck not?” asks the fan.
“Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “An ALA Font, Never For Jets?”
The 1st Wretched Pun of Destiny aired July 19, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 1. If you’ve been to Starbucks recently, you know that Oprah Winfrey has a new line of Chai teas. Well, they’ve been so successful, Oprah goes to her marketing and research-and-development people and asks if they could create more lines of tea that she could brand in the same way.
“I’m glad you asked,” says the head R&D guy. “We’ve been working on this new project that we think is perfect for your brand. It’s a line of tea made from essential fish oils.”
Oprah makes a face. “You’re not serious?”
“No, really! I know how it sounds, but they taste great. They’re healthy, they smell amazing, people get their omega fatty acids – here, just try one!”
So the guy brings out a hot cup of tea. “This is yellowtail. Just taste it.”
Oprah does and gasps, “This is delicious! No bad smell, and it looks lovely. And it’s fish oil?”
“Exactly!” laughs the R&D guy. “And we can have whole line of them: Oprah Salmon Tea. Oprah Tilapia Tea. Oprah Swordfish Tea. And I haven’t even shown you the best part!”
The guy brings out all these cups of dry tea and gives Oprah a big kettle of hot water.
“Go ahead, pour!” he says.
So Oprah pours boiling water into the first cup. As soon as she does, she hears this loud, incessant, knocking sound. “What’s that?” she laughs.
“That’s the surprise! The tea leaves are so tightly compacted, the second the boiling water hits them, it sets off chemical reactions that make a racket. It’s a great novelty, and you can market it like crazy. Try some more!”
So Oprah pours water onto the Flounder Tea, and she hears, “knock knock knock knock…” She does it on the Monkfish Tea – same thing. Pretty soon there’s a riot of noise as she’s boiling the Mackerel Tea, the Redfish Tea, the Trout Tea . . .
Finally, she gets to the one with tuna fish and pours the water on it, but all she hears is one single “knock.” “Hmm, let me try another one,” she says. So they hand her another cup of the tuna, she pours the water in, but again, just a single “knock.”
“Well, this is incredibly promising,” Oprah raves. “I love the whole line, and I can’t wait to get it going. Of course, you’re gonna have to bring this last one back for more testing. All the others made so much noise; it’s a shame the tuna is so quiet. Can you fix it?”
The R&D man looks at her aghast and replies, “Oh, heavens no! Oprah Tuna Tea Only Knocks Once!”
