March 2011 – Dave's Gone By

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #10 (3/27/2011): Tsunami Tweet

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #10 (3/27/2011): Tsunami Tweet

click above to listen (audio file)

aired March 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rN. youtube: https://youtu.be/XxqV1jT8YD8

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 27th, 2011.

My congregation has been asking, “Rabbi, when are you gonna talk about Japan? It’s such a huge calamity, when will we hear your thoughts about the earthquake, the tsunami, the nuclear plant – where are your words of wisdom?

My dear friends, what can I say? A tragedy is a tragedy. What can a human being say about an event that is beyond the scope of human understanding? Granted, I’ll bet some World War II veterans are thinking, “At last! Pearl Harbor payback!” But if the world truly worked like that, the tsunami would have hit Berlin. Followed by a tornado, locusts, a polio epidemic and a fast-moving iceberg.

No, sometimes, as in Japan, these things just happen, and we can only guess at the motivations of HaShem and the universe. As the Yiddish phrase goes: men tracht, und gott lacht – man makes plans, God laughs.

And speaking of laughter, what I really wish to discuss in this Rabbinical Reflection is the overreactions to reactions to the disaster. People make a few bad jokes, and the wrath of political correctness is upon them.

I speak specifically of Gilbert Gottfried, beloved voice of the Aflac duck. He’s fired from that job because of his Twitter tweets or, in his case, quacks. He makes a joke about breaking up with his girlfriend – but it’s okay because, as they say in Japan, another one will be floating by any minute.”

This is funny. It amuses me. But even if it didn’t, Gilbert Gottfried is not a psychologist; he’s not a scientist; he’s not a schoolteacher. He’s a comedian. And he’s a comedian best known for making another funny joke that bombed – about September 11th – and then saving the evening by telling yet another joke: “The Aristocrats” – the most vile, crude, sexually explicit, violent, vulgar, perverted, disgusting joke ever written. And if you want to hear it, give me a call on my cell `cause I have my own version, and it kills. Not to give it away, but in mine, the father brings in two camels and an enema bag. Priceless.

But getting back to Aflac: the insurance company does a lot of business in Japan, so when Mr. Gottfried let his fingers move a little faster than his brain, they gave his career a karate chop. Do I think this was justified? No, their judgment was just as poor as his. They may be contractually in the legal right, but can you imagine hiring anyone else to do the same quack? In fact, if it’s the same quack, Mr. Gottfried can sue for imitation. So it would have to be a different but similar quack.

I could do it: “Aflac.” “Aflac dammit!” It’s just not the same.

Nobody likes actor switcheroos. The only time it ever worked was when “Bewitched” got another Darrin, and that was only because Dick York was crippled by a bad back. I only hope, if they do hire another actor, Aflac’s campaign is crippled by a bad hack.

I’m all for sensitivity. To quote Mel Brooks, “I’ve got sensitivity coming out the blow-hole.” But I’m tired of political correctness running amok. From NPR to Charlie Sheen to that anti-Semite French designer. You can’t have a personal conversation anymore without somebody spitting it back to the media to make you look like a schmuck.

And jokes? To fire a comedian because he makes jokes? A comic understands better than anyone the natural tendency of humans to mix schadenfreude with “thank God it wasn’t me.”

I hope no one at my temple is so humorless as to target me if I make a joke or two. Even a shameful, tasteless joke. Such as: what is the only meal you can get in Japan? A big shake, then tuna melt.

That’s terrible! Or asking, why is a Japanese supermarket like a Taco Bell burrito? Neither has any actual food in it.

How dare I find humor in this! Or in a joke like – What do Japanese power-plant workers have in common with court-martialed U.S. Marines? They both got burned by the corps.

Or what’s the difference between a nuclear meltdown and cancer? Ehhh..about 15, 20 years.

Such dark, unfeeling jokes! Like: did you hear about all the Japanese went through a massive religious conversion. They were Buddhists; now they’re quakers.

Shame! Shame! How dare I ask: how many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They don’t need light; they’re all glowing.

What a sick, heartless, joke that is. Or even worse: Why are they nicknaming the tsunami victims New Kids on the Block? Because they’re washed up overnight.

My friends, I do not tell these jokes to be funny. Thank goodness because, well, you’ve heard the jokes. I tell them in solidarity with Gilbert Gottfried and 50 Cent, and anyone else who saw yet another catastrophe in the world and went, “what can you do but laugh?”

Well, you can give to charity, you can write sympathy cards, you can help mobilize relief efforts; but still, you should be able to have a giggle. Because, like it or not, life is a cycle, and one day the joke will be on you.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Domo arigato.

—> https://shalomdammit.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/rabbinical-reflection-japan-32711/

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rN

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/26/2011): RUSTY WARREN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews musical comedienne Rusty Warren

Topics include: comedy, music, party records.

Segment originally aired March 26, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2011 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By #348 (3/26/2011): RUSTY NEVER SLEEPS

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Here is the 348th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 26, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz
Guest: groundbreaking comedienne Rusty Warren

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with bawdy comedienne Rusty Warren. Also: the Saturday Segue (April songs), Inside Broadway (news), Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (big ones) and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on Japan.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:10:30 SATURDAY SEGUE: April songs
00:37:30 INSIDE BROADWAY: Theater News
01:03:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later: Big Ones
01:34:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with Rusty Warren
02:29:30 DAVE – Sponsors & Weather
02:43:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: Japan
01:21:30 Dave – Friends
01:27:30 DAVE GOES OUT

March 26, 2011 Playlist: (part one) “April Come She Will” (00:10:30; Simon & Garfunkel). “April Showers” (00:12:00; Al Jolson). “Intro/Hello Muddah/Love is Lovelier…” (00:15:00; Allan Sherman); “Pieces of April” (00:17:00; Three Dog Night). “April Fool’s Day Morn” (00:25:00; Loudon Wainwright III); “April” (00:29:00; PJ Harvey & John Paris). “April in Paris” (00:33:30; Billie Holiday). “Nowadays” (00:49:00; Chicago, 1996 Bway cast. “Arthur McBride” (01:04:30), “I Shall Be Free” (01:10:30), “Tangled Up in Blue” (01:15:00), “Girl from the North Country” (01:21:00) & “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” (live 1975, 01:24:00; Bob Dylan). “Tonight is Gonna Be the Night” (01:31:30), “Knockers Up” (01:41:30), “PTA” (02:00:30), “Bounce Your Boobies” (02:26:30) & “Am I Getting Old?” (01:34:00, Rusty Warren); “Make it Go Away (Radiation Song)” (Sheryl Crow; 02:49:30).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #9 (3/19/2011): Purim Jokes

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #9 (3/19/2011): Purim Jokes

aired March 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. youtube: https://youtu.be/zt-rjdt7ANE

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 20th, 2011.

(grogger noise) Happy Purim, everybody! Arguably the most joyful day on the Jewish calendar because we were saved from the evil Haman by the clever Mordechai and the sexy Esther. In fact, we’re allowed to get so drunk, we can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai. Or, if you’re Eddie Murphy, the difference between Mordechai and Esther.

So in honor of Purim, this Rabbinical Reflection is just for fun. I will begin with the story of an old man in Miami who calls his son in New York. He says, “Son, I hate to tell you, but your mother and I are divorcing. It’s been 45 years, and I can’t stand it anymore. We’re separating next week.”

The son starts screaming and panicking, but the father says, “Look, go call your sister in Texas and tell her, because your mother’s crying, and I’m sick of talking about this.”

The old man hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister. Two minutes later, she’s calling the old man saying, “You can’t get divorced! This is horrible! Don’t do a thing until I call my brother back, because we are both flying down, and we will be there tomorrow night!”

She hangs up. The old man hangs up. Then he turns to his wife in the bed and says, “Okay. They’re coming for Passover, and they’re paying their own airfare.”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? Perhaps we learn that the end justifies the means. The parents lie to the children because they feel it is the only way the kids will visit them on the holidays. But is this justified?

You’re damn right it is! Children are lazy, ungrateful little bastards who don’t deserve a tenth of what we give them. Forget my birthday, will they? Ptooi!

But where was I? Oh yes. A priest and a vicar were walking along, when the priest says, “You know, I’ve been told by several parishioners that I am the spitting image of Jesus Christ.”

The vicar is a little shocked and says, “Wait, I’ve got the beard, the hair. Everybody tells me I look like Jesus Christ.”

Soon, they’re arguing, and they almost come to blows when they see a Rabbi approaching. “Rabbi,” they say. “Please help us. Which of us is the image of Jesus Christ?”

The Rebbe starts laughing and says, “You? You two? Neither. I’m the image of Jesus Christ – and I can prove it! Follow me.”

So they walk with the Rabbi a mile or two, downtown, through side streets, through alleys, until they come to a dingy little building with a red curtain over the window. They go three floors up some rickety stairs to a hallway with a red lightbulb hanging over one of the doors.

The Rabbi knocks, and after a moment, a frazzled buxom blonde in a negligee opens the door. She looks at the Rabbi and sighs, “Jesus Christ, you again??”

Now this joke turns the tables on us by setting up the idea of a Jew — a Rabbi yet, as a creature of sexual desires and habits. This is not behavior we expect, even though we all know Rabbis, unlike priests, can get married, have relationships, and get a little boom-chicka-boom-chick when our fringes get frisky. The fact that this particular Rabbi gets his hoopdi-doo from a whooer, only makes him more human, and sympathetic, and prone to perfectly normal urges. Or at least, that’s what I tell my wife.

Last joke. Irving takes his wife to a fancy French restaurant. The waiter comes over and says, “The specials tonight are beef Burgundy, moo-shoo chicken, shrimp-fried rice, happy-family vegetable, and spicy wonton.”

Irving looks at the waiter and says, “Hold on. I thought this was a French restaurant.”

The waiter says, “Yes, but it’s a Jewish neighborhood.”

Now I’ve discovered something very important from that joke: I’m starving! Where the hell’s that menu? A couple of hamentaschen only go so far.

Anyway, Purim sameach everybody! And many more.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32920

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rT

–> youtube: https://youtu.be/zt-rjdt7ANE

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/19/2011): DR. DEMENTO

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Dave Lefkowitz interviews radio legend Dr. Demento

Topics include: radio, novelty music, record collecting.

Segment originally aired March 19, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By #347 (3/19/2011): THE DR. IS IN

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Here is the 347th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 19, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: radio personality Dr. Demento.

Dave chats with radio legend Dr. Demento. Also: the Saturday Segue (novelties), Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (funny ones), Inside Broadway (Spamalot in Greeley), Dave Says Bye to Joe Morello, and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on Purim.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:17:00 SATURDAY SEGUE: Novelties
00:30:00 GUEST: Dr. Demento
01:47:00 SATURDAY SEGUE, pt. 2 – More Novelties
01:57:30 DAVE – Sponsors
02:06:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later: Funny Ones
02:37:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (Spamalot)
02:54:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: Purim jokes
03:00:30 DAVE SAYS BYE: Joe Morello
03:04:30 DAVE – Weather & Friends
03:11:00 DAVE GOES OUT

March 19, 2011 Playlist: “Fish Heads” (00:17:00; Barnes & Barnes); “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park” (00:19:30; Tom Lehrer); “One Hippopotami” (00:21:30; Allan Sherman); “I’m My Own Grampaw” (00:25:00; Homer & Jethro); “Cocktails for Two” (00:27:30; Spike Jones). “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha” (01:47:00; Napoleon XIV); “One More Minute” (01:49:30; Weird Al Yankovic); “My Name is Larry” (01:53:30; Wild Man Fischer); “Mixed Up Confusion” (02:07:00), “Baby, I’m in the for You” (02:09:30), “The Ugliest Girl in the World” (02:12:30), “I Shall Be Free No. 10” (02:16:00), “Man Gave Names to All the Animals” (02:20:30), “Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat” (02:25:00), “All I Really Want to Do” (live, 02:29:00) & “Must Be Santa” (02:32:00; Bob Dylan). “You Can’t Succeed on Broadway” (02:38:00; Spamalot original 2005 Broadway cast), “Take Five” (Dave Brubeck Quartet; 02:59:00), “Knockers Up” (excerpt, 03:09:00; Rusty Warren); “Shaving Cream” (03:17:00; Paul Wynn/Benny Bell).

(Pictured: Dr. Demento)

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired March 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-CzdJjq9kY

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 13th, 2011.

How times change! It used to be, if I was sick to my stomach, I would get gas. Now, I look at the price of gas and get sick to my stomach.

Thirty five years ago, this country went through a so-called gas crisis. After millions of centuries with animals and humans finding different sources of energy, suddenly we were out of fuel. Prices at the pump went through the roof, there were shortages, lines around the block – anybody remember filling your gas tank on odd-and-even days? I’ve had my share of odd days, and I still wanna get even.

But then we learned that although fuel is not an inexhaustible resource, we still had a tushie-load more of it than the government, the Arabs and the ecologists were telling us.

The 1970s gas crunch was a manufactured crisis; the oil conglomerates said “jump,” and we jumped. Our president was too busy worrying how to deal with the Arabs… to deal with the Arabs. So, like the mouse biting the elephant, OPEC sank its teeth into their favorite enemy: us.

But did Americans learn anything from the Jimmy Carter catastrophe? Did we conserve, demand more efficiency, do ANYTHING differently? Of course not.

In fact, for the next three decades, the unholy trinity – General Motors, Ford and Chrysler – went to the American public and said, “You know what you need? Hummers, stretch limos and SUV’s.” Cars that use enough oil in a day to run a banana republic for a month. And these banana-oil salesman made their case. American families bought cars large enough to house Chinese families. In a matter of months, you’d look around parking lots and there were no sedans anymore, just all-utility vehicles. You’d see a teenager driving a schoolbus and you’d think to yourself, “Why is a teenager driving a schoolbus?”, and then you’d realize, it’s his goddamn car!”

So what happens then? People forget about the 1978 gas crisis until…we get the worst president since Mr. Peanut, George W. Bush. Not only does he hate the Arabs and make war on the Arabs, but he’s financially in bed with the Arabs and stands to make a fortune from oil. Magically, oil prices go up.

And people bite the bullet, we manage, we hunker down – until the big recession of 2008. Don’t listen to the media when they say the recession was caused by unstable mortgages, insider trading, terrorism, taxes – I’ll tell you what made the economy tank – our tanks! As soon as gas hit $4 a gallon, wham went the wallets, whump went the purses, and clink went the padlocks on foreclosed businesses and houses.

After three years of economic misery, only now are we starting to taste fudge at the end of the tunnel. Unemployment might be easing, and we’re seeing new jobs – and I don’t just mean three-dollars-an-hour jobs at Nike for a dozen undocumented people all named “Jose.”

But what happens then? The Middle East goes meshuggeh, and gas goes gaga. Let me tell you something. I’m no Alan Greenspan (although we do share the same nose), but I will predict the next recession. If gas goes over 4 bucks a gallon, kiss the recovery
bye-bye.

Not three dollars and ninety-eight cents; we’ll handle that because we’re used to getting shtupped, and we’ve been expecting it anyway. 3.99 – fine. But one penny over four dollars, and the toilet flushes. Again. No travel, no vacations, no big-screen TV’s, no expensive gifts for your favorite Hebrew spiritual leader…

“But Rabbi,” I hear you say, because I have very good ears, “We know, we know! The question is: what can we do about it?”

I say, if mobs of Arabs can overthrow their dictators, we can at least kick our democratically elected dictators where it hurts. No need for torches, marches, massive rallies – yet. For now, everybody get out your pens, your papers, your postcards – because we’re gonna write to the putzes in power. Not these long editorials from “concerned citizens”; those are as boring as the genealogical chapters in Leviticus.

We keep it simple. “4.01 and you’re out.” If gasoline climbs even one cent over four bucks, we will remember in November and give your job to another slob.

This message must go to everyone – from the President of the United States to the Melonville county clerk to the class president of Grover Cleveland Middle School. Doesn’t matter what the party affiliation is – the Republican Party, the Democratic party, the Donner Party, the Rent is Too Damn High Party – every single person in power. Send it to the CEO of your bank, the head of every Fortune 500 companyopolis, the captain of your softball team. 4.01 and you’re out.

Somewhere, among the millions of people receiving this message, will be someone who gets the message. If not, well, I hope you have a skateboard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Fill `er up – halfway.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/12/2011): DAN BERN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews singer-songwriter Dan Bern

Topics include: folk music, protest songs.

Segment originally aired March 12, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #346 (3/12/2011): BERN UNIT

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Here is the 346th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 12, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with singer-songwriter Dan Bern. Also: Sponsors n’ weather, Inside Broadway (Footloose in Greeley), Dave Says Bye to Hugh Martin, Saturday Segue (Irish tunes), Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (disaster songs), and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on gas prices.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: Dan Bern

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:09:30 MUSIC: Dan Bern
00:30:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with Dan Bern
01:09:30 DAVE – Sponsors, Bill Maher & Weather
01:34:30 INSIDE BROADWAY: Footloose
01:56:00 DAVE SAYS BYE: Hugh Martin
02:03:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (disaster songs)
02:34:00 News from Japan
02:40:30 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: gas prices
02:46:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Irish tunes
03:01:30 DAVE SAYS HI – Friends of the show & upcoming guests
03:08:00 DAVE GOES OUT

March 12, 2011 Playlist: “Feel Like a Man” (00:09:30), “Revolution Begins in the Basement” (00:13:00), “Breathe” (00:17:00), “My Country II” (00:23:00), “Bush Must Be Defeated” (00:26:00) & “Remember Me” (01:05:30; Dan Bern). “I Can’t Stand Still” (01:32:30; Footloose, original Broadway cast), “The Song that Goes Like This” (01:52:00; Spamalot, original Broadway cast). “You Made Me Love You, For Me and My Gal, The Trolley Song” (01:57:00; Judy Garland); “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” (02:04:30), “Black Diamond Bay” (02:10:30), “I’d Hate to Be You on that Dreadful Day” (02:18:00), “Talking World War III Blues” (02:20:00), “Down in the Flood” (02:26:30) (Bob Dylan). “This Wheel’s on Fire” (02:29:00; The Byrds). “Celtic Ray” (02:46:30; Van Morrison & the Chieftains). “The Patriot Game” (02:50:00; The Clancy Brothers). “A Pair of Brown Eyes” (02:53:30; The Pogues); “Bounce Your Boobies” (excerpt, 03:06:30; Rusty Warren).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

click above to listen (audio only)

aired March 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCkMKFLV5M

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 6th, 2011.

We’re innocent! Innocent, I tell you! We didn’t do it!

And it’s taken only one thousand, nine hundred and 78 years for the goyim to believe us.

Pope Benedict the 16th’s new book, “Jesus of Nazareth” – not to be confused with his previous book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl” – the Pope’s new book officially exonerates the Jews of killing Jesus. His holiness writes that there is no biblical or theological basis to the claim that Jews are responsible for murdering Christ.

Now, Benedict is not the first Pope to say this. Fifty years ago, Pope John the 23rd drafted – and Pope Paul the 6th signed – a decree that says Catholics should respect all other religions, and that Jews are off the finally hook for the J.C. rap. It was a generous but generic gesture, like saying, “Deep down, we still think you did it, but we can’t prove it so…bygones.”

The difference here is that Benny goes into great legal and logical detail on how the Jews couldn’t possibly be guilty on this, then or now.

Personally, I’ve always been shocked and offended by the accusation that I killed Jesus. I’ve never killed anyone in my life. I would like to. I have a wish list. Like this guy who cut me off on the parkway yesterday. Doesn’t look, doesn’t signal, he’s on a cell phone –this guy: hand me the nails! But Jesus? A little before my time.

Now, according to the great big book of myths, or as other people like to call it, “The New Testament,” Jews were angry at Jesus and asking the Romans to get rid of him.

He was annoying, he was making trouble with the authorities, he was healing people, but then they’d die of secondary infections. So assuming the Jesus story did happen, let us grant that Jews may have fomented an atmosphere unconducive to the son of Mary. But they didn’t kill him any more than the Spice Girls killed John Lennon.

As a matter of fact, it says very clearly in the Gospels that Jesus was tried by the Jewish courts and then handed over to the Romans. The Romans mocked him, tortured him, dragged him through the streets and crucified him. Not the Jews – the Romans.

Well, that solves the mystery! Who lives in Rome? Italians. So why haven’t we spent 2000 years blaming Italians for the crucifixion?

Ten’ll get you twenty, it was the Mafia. Think about it. The Romans were always asking for tax payoffs and tributes from anyone in their territory. The Romans were known for eating and drinking freely, and then orgies, like the guidos on “The Jersey Shore.” And when it came to Jesus – first he was subject to a conspiracy, then they made him an offer, but he refused; then he was betrayed with a kiss – just like Michael and Fredo in “Godfather II.”

Since 33 AD, blame for the crucifixion has been diverted away from the Guineas, to the Sheenies, and, until very recently, the Vatican has been complicit in the cover-up.

Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, so if the Italians did murder him, it’s no fringe off my tallis. But to think of the crusades, the Holocaust, the Mel Gibson tirades – all of this could have been ameliorated by some pope, somewhere, going, “I know it’s fun to blame the Jews, and they do make lousy tennis partners, but the Jesus thing: it wasn’t them. Get over it.”

And to think, the Pope who breaks the silence spent his early years in the Hitler Youth. That’s like Ted Nugent becoming a spokesman for PETA. It’s like Osama bin Laden joining the B’nai Brith. It’s like Fred Phelps changing from a civil-rights activist into a homophobic madman. Oh wait, that one actually happened.

Anyhoo, I give due credit to Pope Benedict for doing his part to refute an old lie. Will it make any difference to anti-Semitism? Will it stop hate crimes and skinheads and venomous postings on the web? Please, we have a better chance of Messiah coming next week wearing a girdle, a football jersey and a strap-on.

But kudos to Papa Benny, because to help instead of hurt is always a good thing, especially since the jury will forever be out on who really killed Jesus. I dunno, but am I the only one who saw O.J. Simpson’s white limo leaving the scene?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus nabisco.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32932

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s7