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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 (12/18/2011): Newt Gingrich

aired Dec. 17, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Newt Gingrich

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 18th, 2011.

What do you do when a man who represents so many wrong things gets one thing incredibly, magnificently right?

That is the question facing voters following Newt Gingrich’s performance in the G.O.P. debates last week. Asked about his unwavering support for Israel, the presidential candidate made clear that Israel is a friend, and that the Arabs are no friend to Israel.

He reminded the world that, quote, “every day, rockets are fired into Israel” – something people forget when they bitch about Israel’s aggressiveness or targeting of Hezbollah.

Gingrich also said the magic words, “It’s fundamentally time for somebody to stand up and say, `enough lying about the middle east,’” unquote. Considering that every other liberal is a Palestinian apologist, and every news program bends over backwards to make it look like Israel and Hamas are two sides of the same coin, it’s a pleasure to hear somebody say, “No, Israel is a legitimate homeland, the Arabs invented Palestinia just to have a grudge.”

Naturally, the media jumped on Gingrich saying, “well, of course there’s a Palestine, and of course some Arabs lived there.” And the Arabs jumped on him for saying they’re terrorists. Talk about the pot calling the camel black.

And just to seal the deal of Newt being a mensch on this, he also reminded the world that Hamas and the Palestinians still refuse to recognize Israel as a place on the map. Which means if you’re in Jordan, and you wanna take a dip in the Mediterranean, you’d better take a pretty goddamn long jump.

Now, Mitt Romney admonished Gingrich for stirring the pot, for inciting the Arabs with his words. But Mitt, if the Arabs are so peaceful and non-violent, why are you terrified of what they might do?

Just to be clear, Romney and the other candidates also affirmed their support for Israel. They ganged up on Gingrich, but it’s not like he’s the only one saying rah-rah Jewish homeland. Does this mean the Republicans are pandering to the Jewish vote? Sure! And more power to them! Pander pander pander! Makes a nice change from us having to go to Obama and grovel sometimes. Not all the time – he’s a friend – but sometimes.

Politicians on both sides pander to every special interest group, from oil frackers to casino builders, so if Republicans wanna make nice-nice to the only democracy in the middle east, I’m down with that. And if Newt Gingrich is the only one with the stones to really tell it like it is, that should be taken into consideration.

Alas for him, we also have to take into consideration that Newt is anti-gay, anti-art funding, and not exactly a fan of separating church from state. Last week he called my house. Well, not him, some kind of automatic tape recorder. It called my house to lambaste Obama and decry the way America has gone downhill under his stewardship. So I heard the usual Republican shpiel about taxes, and too much government and taking America back. But Newt also tossed in the word “secular.” In a negative way. We must rescue America from the godless blue staters and their secular ways.

Well, “sec” on this, Newt. America may be one nation under God, but it ain’t for you to say which God that is. For me, it’s HaShem. For you it’s the bearded guy. For the Chinese, it’s a bunch of dead ancestors. Which must be pretty confusing for a Chinese kid wondering which god to ask for a bike for Christmas. “Is it great-great-grandma Chong? No, she only gives musical instruments. What about Uncle Gao from the Tang Dynasty? No he’s the one who pays you when your teeth fall out. Crap, I know I’ll get another sweater, I know it!”

But I digress. Let’s give a qualified cheer to Newt Gingrich. I can’t say he has my vote, but he has my gratitude for pushing past the platitudes with the fortitude and certitude of his attitude. Keep at it, dude.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-16f

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #32 (12/11/2011): Post Office (lefkowitz)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #32 (12/11/2011): Post Office

Aired Dec. 10, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Post Office

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 11th, 2011.

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor gloom of night, nor budget cuts will stay these couriers from the swift completion of – oh, wait, the budget-cut part. Yeah, that’ll keep them from their appointed rounds.

Starting in 2012, the United States post office will continue doing what every other company in America is doing – charging more and giving less. First, they’re gonna raise the price of a stamp from 44 cents to 45 cents. A penny for your thoughts? Oh, I think they know what we’re thinking.

But okay, it’s only a cent, and it’s easier to make change with 45 than 44 anyway. But wait, there’s more. They’re also going to close processing centers and fire workers, meaning that delivery of first-class mail will slow down by a day or two. Just what customers in a society that demands everything yesterday want. No wonder people are P.O.’d at the P.O.

But, let’s be honest. Does anybody really send a first-class letter expecting it to be there the next day? If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, you empty your wallet and you give it to FedEx. Or a courier service. Or a really stocky carrier pigeon.

Honestly, this whole business of first-class mail not getting first-class service – we’re used to that. If you still pay bills the old-fashioned way, write the checks a day or two earlier, just to be on the safe side. And if you’re expecting pharmaceuticals in the mail, well, you can suffer a few hours of pain and distress. It’ll just make you appreciate the medicine more when it finally arrives.

But it won’t arrive on a Saturday. That’s right, Uncle Sam will also do away with all weekend delivery. While it’s nice that they want to take Shabbos off, does it occur to you like it does to me that the post office is making cuts that will only result in people using them less? It’s a vicious cycle: revenues are down, so prices go up and services get cut, leading customers use more email, fax and Skype. This brings revenues further down. Prices go even higher, more services get cut, customers start using snail mail only for emergencies. Which makes revenues go down, prices go – all right, you get what I’m saying.

How about a new model? The post office is almost bankrupt anyway, so why not try something radical? Five cents to mail a postcard. Ten cents for a letter, $3 to mail a Christmas gift. Already, overnight mail is half the price of UPS and FedEx, but add guaranteed delivery and tracking. Make the USPS the first choice rather than the last resort. Give people a reason to run to the Post Office – “Ooh, I can send my uncle a birthday card for a dime.” “Wow, I can send my kid a care package for camp and have money left over to throw in two more candy bars.” “Hey, if I send an envelope filled with anthrax to a politician, I know it’ll be there in time for me to alert the media.”

I realize the postal service is in terrible, $14 billion debt, and that mail carriers would rather face a backyard full of Dobermans than the digital revolution. But you have two options in this world. Either you adapt and change. Or you keep doing what you’ve always done at your highest standard – and somehow find ways to make that as appealing as it used to be. Think about it. People either want a brand new Honda Civic with heated seats, satellite radio, anti-lock brakes, or they want a 1958 Plymouth Fury, painted, restored and polished to a T. What they don’t want is a 1972 Ford Pinto with a broken aerial and just enough horsepower to get you to the Safeway in one piece.

I just hope the post office brings its jalopy to the shop before it crashes on the information super highway. And when those 28,000 workers get laid off next year, well, the post office can save about 13 grand if they send the pink slips via email. Just a thought.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29464

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #31 (12/4/2011): Coca Cola

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #31 (12/4/2011): Coca Cola

Aired Dec. 3, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Coca Cola

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 4th, 2011.

You know what the easiest job in the world is? No, not ranting on the radio, I don’t get paid for that. The easiest job in the world is selling Coca Cola. It’s been around for a hundred years, everybody drinks it, every grocery stocks it… You go into a shack in Malawi and say, “Barack Obama,” they look at you like you’re from another planet, but you say “Coca Cola” – oh, they start dancing around, they’re laughing, they want you to marry their cousin.

Selling Coca Cola is as easy as saying, “Hi, you wanna buy some Coca Cola?” Yes, you have Pepsi as a competitor, and those 99-cent, two-liter generic brands that SAY they’re cola, but we all know, it’s just Rustoleum with corn syrup. Financially, Coke might have a great year, or it might have an almost-great year, but really, it’s like asking the Sultan of Brunei at his roulette game, “Did you lose $3,000 or $30,000?” Either way, he’s not losing any sleep. Unless he drinks Coca Cola, in which case the caffeine will keep him up if the harem girls won’t.

So okay. Here is how you sell Coca Cola. You concoct it, you mix it, you put it in the bottle, you ship it from the factory, and you cash the checks. The beverage itself may have a secret formula, but everybody knows Coke’s formula for success – Step One: give people what they want and what they have always wanted. Step Two: Repeat step one.

Now, we all remember years ago when the marketing geniuses at Coke felt they had to justify their inflated salaries by doing something new. To be fair, it can’t be much fun promoting an item when you know deep down the marketing strategy you’ve used for the past ten years you could really use for the next fifty. And in the advertising and PR world, nobody gets a bonus for thinking inside the box. Unfortunately, in the real world, you know who thinks outside the box? Homeless people. They sleep in a box, then they go outside it to think. And you know what some of them are thinking? They’re thinking, “Shit, I used to be an executive at Coca Cola, until I invented New Coke.”

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? It’s one of the oldest sayings in the world, and if you think you know better, if you think you’re gonna prove the world wrong, get ready if you fail to fall on your tush into a cardboard box. Twenty-six years ago New Coke hit the market like a bottle of cancer, and it’s been an industry laughing stock – and object lesson – ever since.

So you’d figure the Coke folks would learn from their mistake. Red label, white letters, brown fizz, rule the world. But no, in the news this week was a story about Coca Cola using a special design for the holidays. Instead of a red background, they went with a white background and red letters, plus those cute little polar bears. All well and good, except the public took one look and said, “Wait a minute… is this regular Coke or Diet Coke?” Somehow the scientific gurus in the Coca Cola utility research kitchen missed the fact that white cans equals low-calorie equals tastes like battery acid. So people started bitching and writing to the company and returning the cans demanding the old stuff.

Weirder still – even people who were not confusing the regular with the diet, even when they knew it was the same stuff, some of them complained the cola tastes different in the silver can. Don’t ask me if it’s psychological or maybe the old red cans still have traces of cocaine in them, all I know is that it’s been another PR nightmare for Coke. They’ve had to go back and reinstate the red cans, and somebody in R&D is getting a lump of coal for their Christmas bonus.

Now, I don’t have a problem with innovation, but it seems all the innovations these days are negative ones. Ooh, let’s take a ten-ounce bag of potato chips and put only eight ounces of chips in it while charging the same price. American ingenuity at its finest. Or all these HDTV 3D television sets. You can watch a Pixar movie; it looks like you’ve jumped into their universe. However, almost everything else you watch is in one-D, low definition, so your fifty-inch Samsung has all the visual beauty of a hallway security monitor. And don’t get me started on airplanes charging you extra for a sandwich, more inches of legroom and a place to stow your luggage. America is innovating us out of house and home.

Again, it’s not as if the Coca Cola people started sneaking Ex-Lax into the formula. They wouldn’t have to, but even so. And it’s not as if they did something racist or dangerous or mean-spirited. They just wanted Coke to be part of the seasonal onslaught of merry merchandising. Skeptical people might say they had nothing to lose from the design disaster. If it worked, if it worked. When it didn’t, look at all the free, and not especially damaging, publicity they got. Maybe it was all part of some master plan to keep Coke in the news.

I’m not that cynical, I’ll grant them an honest mistake, but either way, if they want to sell their product, save money and have the simplest marketing plan imaginable, all they have to do is hire me. I work cheap and I work smart. I will sit there at my desk and ask the different departments the only questions that matter: “Does Coca Cola still taste disgustingly sweet yet refreshingly corrosive?” “On Thanksgiving, can you fry a turkey or a moose in it?” “Is it still a dentist’s best friend?” “Can it still remove the paint from a 1987 Ford Taurus?” Yes? Great – sign my paycheck, we’re good for a decade. Oh, and pour me another Dr. Brown’s Crème Soda – regular, not diet, extra foam, and don’t be Jewish with the ice cubes.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://youtu.be/WCiD285AVRE

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29469

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #30 (11/27/2011): Questions

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #30 (11/27/2011): Questions

aired Nov. 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODe2DzzTDMI

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of November 27th, 2011.

A week ago, I was able to premiere my one-man, two-person show, Shalom Dammit!, an Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, at the Norton Theater of the University of Northern Colorado. It was a magnificent experience with audiences laughing, asking questions and treating me with undisguised bitterness and hostility.

I doff my yarmulke to all the technical and creative people who helped Shalom Dammit! take the biggest leap at the university since that fat Asian kid jumped off a fraternity roof last summer. It was a tremendous amount of work, but I think the results speak not only for themselves, but for people who shouldn’t speak until they’re spoken to. It was that kind of show.

During the process of putting Shalom Dammit! together, I was asked many questions, not all of them anti-Semitic. I thought I would share some of the answers with you so that you might understand what went into this experience, which I hope to bring to New York, Miami, Sheboygan – anywhere with Jews and a sewer system.

I was asked why would I share – or inflict – this show on an audience. First of all, it was cold outside and tickets were free, so who’s complaining? Also, it is confusing being a Jew in modern America. We are tied to our family traditions and ancient values, but we are also tempted by everything from X-Box on Shabbos to the triple-X boobs on Sasha Grey. Every Jew makes his own decision as to how much to follow and how much rings hollow. My show is a glimpse into what goes into making those choices. How are modern Jewish Americans pulled towards crazy rules drawn up 400 years ago, how do we interact with our Christian, Muslim and Republican brothers; how do we get past the Holocaust without getting over the Holocaust; and how do we convince the goyim that Bernie Madoff, David Berkowitz and Paulie Shore are Jehovah’s Witnesses?

I have also been asked whether Shalom Dammit!, which includes a few naughty words and a smattering of adult content, reflects badly on my people and even fosters anti-Semitism. The answer to that charge is: I don’t have to encourage anti-Semitism; there’s enough of it without my help. If Jews feel bad about themselves, well, ambivalence and unease are part of the modern Jewish psyche. We’re never completely comfortable and never 100 percent happy. Because we don’t have the ready means of support that non-Jews can always turn to, like alcoholism and professional hockey. That said, no one watching my show will have any misconceptions about where I stand as a Zionist, a proud Jew, a secular humanist, and a victim of chronic prostate pain.

“Dear Rabbi,” writes another fan, “Do you ever get stage fright?” Absolutely. In fact, when I performed the show last Monday evening, the stage manager was shocked because I peed seven times in a half hour. And I don’t know how many times before I got onstage.

And finally, an audience member asked me whether my frank words about Christianity and Jesus might rub goyim the wrong way. I can only reply that I tell the truth as I see it, and that if Jesus Christ has a problem with it – I’m here, he can hit me with lightning, he can drop a meteor on my head, he can send me into cardiac arrest – come on, I’m waiting. If he’s really the savior, he can make a miracle, show me the error of my – Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!!! I have hangnail on my pinkie; wow, I didn’t see that before. I need to soak that.

Well, anyhoo, it is on to the next step with my show, Shalom Dammit!. If you think my hilarious evening of comedy would be right for your local theater, community center or mortuary, please get in touch. Or if you are a producer with much more money than taste, this is your chance to bring my thoughts to the thoughtless. Email me: Shalomdammit_at_aol.com, that’s shalomdammit_at_aol.com.

It doesn’t have to be Broadway. It can be like Mickey and Judy in a barn saying, “Hey, let’s put on a show! A really dark and offensive show with a lot of Yiddish in it.” But, come on, what do you expect in a barn, Jersey Boys? Greedy bastards.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2mb

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29828

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #29 (11/13/2011): Shalom Dammit! Live

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #29 (11/13/2011): Shalom Dammit! Live

Aired Nov. 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Shalom Dammit! Live

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of November 13th, 2011.

I would like to invite you all to my show, Shalom Dammit! an Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, which is getting a workshop production next week at the University of Northern Colorado. We call it a “workshop” production because then it doesn’t have to be any good. If it IS good, mazel tov, tell your neighbors; if it stinks, hey, it’s a workshop; we’ll fix it when we get to New York.

Shalom Dammit! is a one-man, two-person show with comedy, music and a lot of yelling. It’s my sermon on the joys and tribulations of American-Jewish life in the twenty-first century. I’ll teach the audience some words in Hebrew and Yiddish, I’ll talk about different religions and how each one is more meshuggeh than the next, I will delve into the reasons Israel has endured 60 peaceless years with her Arab neighbors, and I will touch on such touchy topics as the Holocaust, anti-Semitism, assimilation, alienation, and Barbra Streisand.

There’ll be music, courtesy of my keyboardist, David San Miguel, a nice, churchgoing boy – I know, I know, but YOU find a Jewish piano player in Greeley Colorado. And there’ll even be a question-and-answer session with members of the audience who will have a once-in-a-lunchtime opportunity to “Ask the Rabbi.” Of course, this being the great plains, I’m sure the first question will be, “What’s a Rabbi?” But we’ll cross that cross when we come to it.

And speaking of questions, you might be asking why you should bother to come see me in person if you can hear me every week on the radio? The answer is…well, I don’t really have an answer to that, but I will say tickets are free, so there’s incentive right there. Also, there’s a shape to Shalom Dammit!, an arc that takes two-plus hours to mold, contextualize and present as a unified entertainment. In other words, it’s free – so what the hell do you have to lose?

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon plays November 21st and 22nd, the Monday and Tuesday of Thanksgiving week, at the Norton Theater of the University of Northern Colorado. Seating is first-come, first-disturbed. On both nights doors open at 6:30 for the 7 o’clock show.

For more information, visit ShalomDammit.com. Don’t bother calling the University, they’re trying to keep as low a profile on this as they possibly can. Just come to the Norton Theater, Tenth Avenue near 19th Street, and prepare to be challenged, tickled and surprised. And that’s just by the coeds in the sororities across the street, heh heh. But don’t bring the kids! Because of language and content, my show is not suitable for children. Or anyone really, but by God, I’m doing it anyway.

Who knows? In a year or two I could be on Broadway charging $150 for tickets. I won’t get it, but I could charge it. So see my show now, November 21st and 22nd at UNC, and be Solomized.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. Unwrap your candies now.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #28 (11/6/2011): Kardashian Divorce

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #28 (11/6/2011): Kardashian Divorce

Aired Nov. 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Kardashian Divorce

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of November 6th, 2011.

It is not just the weather that is turning cold, my friends. News broke this week that celebrity model and spokesperson Kim Kardashian will be divorcing her basketball-player husband, Kris Humphries, after being married exactly 72 days.

Now, I could comment about the evanescent nature of celebrity marriages, or make easy, late-night jokes about the carnage of the Kardashians’ cartoon carnality-turned-carnival, or I could point out the danger of letting surface attractions overwhelm deeper concerns, or I could rue the cluelessness of a society that elevates a woman of no discernible talent or accomplishment to the level of television royalty, or I could chastise the venality of media – which debases a spiritual human event into an orgy of marketing, advertising and self-absorption, or I could simply say, I told you so, because we all could have told her so.

But really, the point I most want to make about the Kim Kardashian divorce is…

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

I don’t care…do you care? You shouldn’t care. Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

(to the tune of Adon Olam) Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

Everyone, get a life! Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #27 (10/30/2011): BLACKOUT

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #27 (10/30/2011): Blackout

Aired Oct. 29, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91jvDZjIAOc

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 30th, 2011.

Well, winter has come to Greeley, USA. It’s only the end of October, but this is Colorado, so of course, we get snow before Halloween. Who knows? Maybe by Lincoln’s Birthday we’ll have beach weather.

But this being the first snowstorm of the season, all gehenna breaks loose. You’d think Northern Colorado had never seen snow before. It’s one thing when Florida gets a dusting, and cars go sliding across the road – mostly Jews leaving the dinner buffet to get home before noon.

And in the northeast, the TV weatherpeople go berserk. “First winter blast! Mothers ambushing the supermarket! Buy rocksalt, find your candles, don’t park your car on alternate sides of the street Tuesdays, Thursdays and every fifth Sunday when there’s a full moon and Jupiter is rising in the guest house of Saturn!” Two inches of snow, and you’d think polar bears were threatening to galumph down Fifth Avenue.

But Colorado? Without snow, the only thing Vail would be known for is Walgreens and syphilis. You don’t need Nostradamus to predict that an early season storm will dump white stuff on trees, roads, backyards, powerlines. Snow and Colorado go together like borscht and sour cream. Like David and Bathsheba. Like Pakistan and duplicity.

So why does it take two and a half days for Xcel Energy to get the lights back on? Did they not glance at a weathermap a week before the storm? Monks in Bangladesh knew there would be blizzard in Colorado before the local energy company did. Honest to God, Swami Poopoopadoola in Rangpur was on the Weather Channel a week ago saying, “Ganesh advises you should hire extra tree-removal crews – and I don’t even know what snow is.”

And so, for the past three days of my visit to Greeley, I have lived without light, heat and hot water. Which is why I smell like a giraffe in a sweat lodge. If I want to get warm, I have to crawl into the refrigerator. There’s no television, so I have to engage with these big, unwieldy black-and-white things our ancestors once called “books.” And there is no internet, so I can’t spend my usual afternoons downloading doctored nude photos of Mayim Bialik.

Now the more rugged among us would hail this return to an older way of life. How good it is, they would say, to be disconnected from intolerable inboxes, cacophonous commercials and the twaddle of Twitter tweets. Enjoy the silence, reflect and recharge. Breathe.

I can’t breathe, I’m Jewish! I’m lucky if I can groan and wheeze. I want my MTV! I miss my spam! I can’t build a cozy fire without getting splinters in my groin.

It may be sad, but technology is here to stay, so when it is taken from us, however briefly, the loss feels like a phantom limb. From Thomas Edison to Steve Jobs, we have been blessed by people who have made our lives so convenient, we can no longer endure inconvenience. If that means we’re spoiled, so be it.

And now, speaking of spoiled, there’s a kosher flank steak in my freezer that needs to be handled with rubber gloves and a gas mask.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. (sings) “Walking in a winter wonderland…dammit.”

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #26 (10/22/2011): Occupied

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #28 (10/22/2011): Occupied

Aired Oct. 22, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Occupied

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 23rd, 2011.

So all these people without an occupation are busy occupying. They’re occupying Wall Street, they’re inhabiting Zuccotti Park, they’re occupying cities and colleges across America because the have-nots are getting a bissel sick and tired of the haves.

It was ever thus, people. Before we all were born, a handful of upper-class hoity-toities looked down on the rest of us. If they were in a generous and tax-deductible mood, they donated a library or slipped a few bucks to charity.

Everyone hates the rich because…they’re rich. And we’re not. Life sucks, then you die.

But now we have a growing segment of the population who are fed up with the status quo and think they can change it by…showing up somewhere and not leaving. Hey, it beats violence, and protests certainly did have an impact on the Vietnam War, racial segregation and the roll-out of New Coke.

Still, I am bothered by two aspects of this “Occupy Somewhere” movement. The first is the “and then what?” factor. Okay, so you shout at the rich, you rail at the corporations, you run the CEOs out of town on a rail – well, more likely a Lear Jet. And then what? What do you replace them with?

If the protesters are saying, “make college affordable, or at least make it so I’m not paying off my student loan with my Medicare and reverse mortgage.” Okay.

If the protesters are saying, “change the tax code,” fine, I’m all for it. Tax the rich until they’re poor, tax the poor until they’re dead, and give the middle class a break for once.

If the protesters are saying, “don’t let stockbrokers, bankers and corporate bigwigs get away with rampant fraud,” I’m for that, too. Let them get away with just enough fraud so that they keep jobs in America instead of farming them out to Uttar Pradesh.

The problem is we don’t know WHAT the protesters are saying except, “we can’t get jobs, the jobs we get don’t pay anything, and the pay we get goes to buy imported crap because we don’t make anything.” Republicans and social conservatives keep wanting to liken the occupiers to Soviet Communists. Well, guess what? Those old Russians were rebelling against the gentry and landowners who controlled everything and gave nothing back. Sound familiar? Communism didn’t happen because the poor wanted to give Fox News talking points, it happened because the peasants found it unpleasant watching the czars eat pheasant.

These hippies and democrats and college kids and ukelele players, they don’t care about words like Marxism or capitalism. They just want their piece of the pie, and they’re not blind; they know that out of ten slices, nine have been gobbled up before the pizza even gets delivered.

So if you ask where my sympathy lies, it is with these demonstrators, even if the only thing they’re demonstrating is how easy it is to get really grimy after three days sleeping in a park.

What I do take issue with is the whole theme of the protest – “occupying.” The organizers took their motif from the so-called Arab spring. You know, where young Arabs got tired of their corrupt, totalitarian leaders so they staged relatively peaceful rebellions that will ultimately bring in corrupt, fundamentalist Muslim leaders? Anytime you look to the Arabs for a moral compass, you’re pretty much gonna float into an iceberg.

The anti-Semitic undertones of this movement are very minor, but they’re there. From the usual grievance that Jews comprise the evil one percent oppressing the other 99 to the idea of that loaded word: “occupation.” Even though the protesters are, themselves, the occupiers, you can bet many of them are weeping for the Palestinians supposedly displaced from the sliver of Israeli land they absolutely have to live on.

And yet, and yet. There is a positive impulse here, and I hope President Obama – and whatever clown the Republicans pull out of their sidecar – I hope they listen to these rebels and take to heart the idea that American wealth, enterprise and future security have been stolen by a handful of families and corporations.

When everybody gets to eat, but some people eat a lot better – so it goes, that’s the world. When people are starving and Marie Antoinette is still eating cake, that’s when the knives come out. Or worse, in this case – the bongs and bongos.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29993

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #25 (10/2/2011): Days of Awe

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #25 (10/2/2011): Days of Awe

Aired Oct. 1, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkNjq0IwyUU

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 2nd, 2011.

He’s making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice – not Santa Claus; I’m talkin’ about God. This is the time of year when HaShem opens his great big book. And I don’t mean “Harry Potter and the Cauldron of Borscht.” I mean the book of life and death, the book where God inscribes your name for the year. If he writes your name in bold calligraphy, you’re gonna have a fabulous year ahead. If he scribbles your name in pencil and deliberately spells it wrong, you better get health insurance. And if he erases it or just puts your initials in the margin, you might want to go shopping for a good mausoleum.

These are the Days of Awe, between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. We call them the Days of Awe because we look at all the crappy things we’ve done and go, “awwwww.” This is a time of reflection, expiation and making amends. If you’ve cheated somebody, or told a hurtful falsehood, or threatened to kick somebody’s tuchas because they won’t let your nine year old be in the school play (even though she’s perfect for it, and she can act rings around that little blonde whore they got for the part because her parents donate ten thousand dollars a year to the school’s PTA fund… bastards!), you need to take a breath, acknowledge that you may have overreacted (even if you haven’t) and apologize to those you have disparaged, and to HaShem for your prideful behavior.

Unlike the Catholics, who do so much sinning they have to confess every week, Jews save up all their misdeeds to talk about them one day a year: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. On this day, we say, “I’m sorry” to God and to everyone we have offended. Granted, there’s some absurdity there, because you’re not allowed to bathe, put on deodorant or use mouthwash, which means if you go to synagogue on Yom Kippur, you’re offending everybody.

In the shul, the cantor sings “Kol Nidre,” a prayer in which we ask God not to take us seriously. Seriously! We tell HaShem, “Look, over the course of the year, we’re gonna make some pretty stupid promises. At a traffic stop, we’ll say, `God, if this patrolman lets me off with a warning, I’ll donate what the ticket would have cost to charity.’ Or we’ll think, `If this dentist would just stop giving me pain, I’ll stop wishing to see him thrown from a tall building onto a steal spike.’ Or we’ll say, `If I could only get this raise, I’ll stop stealing office supplies.’” We won’t. And God knows we won’t. And we know God knows we won’t. So we sing “Kol Nidre” to him to let ourselves off the hook: “God, anything we vow to do over the next 12 months, ehhhh..not gonna happen. So please don’t listen. Put on your iPod. Just nod and wink and realize we’re gonna be back here in a year apologizing for shit we did that we said we wouldn’t, and stuff we didn’t do that we promised we would. And when you write my name in big block letters, remember it’s Solomon with one `L’ and three `O’s.’”

I hope, dear listeners, that we are all inscribed in the book of life and that we don’t do anything to jeopardize that status. After all, these days I’m sure God is using an e-book, so if we’re bad, all he has to do is backspace. At least the Days of Awe allow us to…re-Kindle.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=30001

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #24 (9/24/2011): Statehood?

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #24 (9/24/2011): Statehood?

aired Sept. 24, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: https://youtu.be/TLOkZL4hvOY

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon, with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 25th, 2011.

So the Palestinians want a state. Whoopdeefreakin’-doo. All these years of fighting Israel, blowing up restaurants in Israel, sabotaging peace talks with Israel – and all they wanted all along was to BE Israel. Of course, they have to have THEIR Israel inside the current Israel, which is why Obama and Bibi Netanyahu are telling them where they can stick their kebabs.

I have nothing against the Palestinians having a state of their own. Besides their usual state of confusion. They can have a homeland in Jordan, they can have one in Saudi Arabia. Even Turkey can throw `em a few kilometers. Why does it have to be in Israel? Israel is 10,000 square miles; the rest of the middle east is 8.6 million square miles. It’s like Walmart coming to town and saying, “We could build our superstore in that huge abandoned parking lot, but we’d rather squeeze it into your kitchen.”

What people forget is that in the 1920s, when England was controlling Palestine, the Arabs were offered half of it. They turned it down because they didn’t want to share it with Jews. In 1947, they turned down a two-state solution for the same reason. A year later, Israel became a nation, the Arabs attacked, and their turbans have been soaked in blood ever since.

So suddenly, they turn to the United Nations – which has been sucking the shmeckel of the Arabs for six decades – and the Palestinians say, “Declare us a state.” They don’t say where, they don’t say how. If there’s Jews on it, that’s where they want to be.

In the 63 years since Israel came to be, what have the Arabs done to prove that they can co-exist side by side with Jews? Or any living thing, for that matter? 9/11, Lockerbie, bombings in Gaza, the Yom Kippur War, the Munich Olympics, the London subways. What a record of accomplishment!

So here’s my idea for the Palestinians – they should all go to the zoo. No, really. Bring them to the biggest zoo in Lebanon with lots of land and food and vegetation. Then partition the zoo so that the Arabs have half of it and the lions and tigers and bears have the other half. Just make sure to put up signs around the zoo that say: “Caution! Wild and Vicious Animals.” It’s only fair to warn the lions, tigers and bears.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. Shana Tovah!

—> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=30007