Category: ARCHIVES – Puns

The Wretched Puns of Destiny

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #019 (12/31/2014): THE WHO

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The 19th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 31, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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19.
After the death of drummer Keith Moon, the Who decided to continue as a band, but they also had to figure out how to replace such a beloved and zany character. Since they couldn’t find one person who embodied everything Keith Moon was to the group, they decided on a split; they’d hire a great drummer with no personality, and a lovable mascot for stage shows.

Mascots came from all over to audition: tigers, aliens, pirates, cute sharks, smiley faces – hundreds of people dressed up in costumes hoping for this great touring gig. After many hours, the group made their choice. Because they were embarking on a U.S. tour of the East and Midwest, they picked a Florida manatee, a familiar sight along the eastern seaboard.

Night after night, the band played “Baba O’Reilly,” “My Generation,” and “Pinball Wizard” while the manatee mascot danced and swam in a fake onstage pond. The audience loved every minute, and everything went great until the last show of the tour. The mascot was running late and had to enter the stadium through the crowds waiting at the front. When the impatient patrons heard the Who doing their sound check, people started pushing and shoving to get in. Patrons were getting crushed, asphyxiated and trampled to death – including the poor mascot.

One reporter who was on the scene cried, “This is terrible! One of the worst catastrophes in the world! Oh, The Who Manatee!”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #18 (12/27/2014): BEACH BOYS

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The 18th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 27, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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18.
The Beach Boys are flying to a gig when their private jet starts having engine trouble. “Grab your parachutes,” says the pilot. “You’re gonna have to jump.”

“Jump?!” The band says. “We don’t know how to do that!”

“It’s easy,” says the pilot. “If you’re nervous, just focus on two things: make believe that you are your favorite Chinese meal, and then encourage your bandmates to be heroic. Here, watch me.”

The pilot opens the hatch and says, “I’m egg foo yung! So long, fearless friends!,” and jumps from the plane.

Al Jardine goes up next, grabs his chute and shouts, “I’m beef with broccoli! Adios, courageous crew!” And he jumps out.

Mike Love walks to the hatch, gulps and says, “I’m spare ribs! Ciao, my bold bold buddies,” as he, too, leaps from the aircraft.

Brian Wilson reaches the door, but he stops. “I can’t do it,” he says to his brothers Dennis and Carl. “You know I’ve got writer’s block. I can’t think of anything!”

Dennis says, “You have to!”

“I can’t,” says Brian. “I’m drawing a blank.”

“Well, if you can’t say it,” says Carl, “try singing it.”

“That’s it!” says Brian Wilson, pulling the ripcord. “I’m Peking Duck, Goodbye Brave Chums!”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #017 (12/20/2014): TREE HALL

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The 17th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 20, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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17.
Fighting broke out at the local university’s forestry and conservation wing over – of all things – which tea should be planted in the arboretums of the dormitories.

The students of Flower Hall said, “We’re sick of jasmine tea; we want oolong tea.”

The students of Bush Hall said, “No fair! We want oolong tea.”

The students of Tree Hall said, “No way! We’ve had dibs on oolong since last semester. You take Darjeeling.”

Well, all three halls start yelling and fingerpointing which escalates until punches are thrown, tables get smashed, and soon, there’s a full-fledged riot.

The next morning, the president of the university arrives to survey the damage. She calls all the dormitories together and asks how the trouble started. Immediately, the students from Flower Hall, Bush Hall and Tree Hall start screaming their sides of the story and moving towards another riot.

“Please, please!” cries the president. “Can’t Tree Hall Just Get Oolong?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #016 (12/13/2014): WIG (w/ Rabbi Sol Solomon)

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Here is the 16th Wretched Pun of Destiny, which aired on Dave’s Gone By, Dec. 13, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Segment aired as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program/podcast hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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16.
Shalom, Dammit! this is Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. I am proud to be an honorary guest reader for The Wretched Pun of Destiny:

In order to combat male-pattern baldness in Jewish men, the United Jewish Appeal recently set up a charity to buy wigs for bald fellows in need. Mendel Horowitz, bald since 30, immediately signs on and waits excitedly for his wig in the mail. When it arrives, he tears open the box but is dismayed to find a ratty, dirty-looking toupee that seems nothing like the smooth, beautiful wigs in the TV ads.

“Maybe it just needs to be washed,” shrugs Mendel. So he runs to the cupboard and grabs Tide laundry detergent, which he sprinkles liberally on the hairpiece. Much to his horror, the wig begins to separate, leaving a gaping hole down the center.

“Gevalt!” cries Mendel. “This is making things worse!”

He flips open the owner’s manual and calls the manufacturer’s 800 number. “Help!” Mendel shrieks into the phone. “I got this UJA wig from tzedakah, but it looked filthy, so I poured detergent on it, and now there’s a giant hole in the middle!”

“Don’t panic,” comes the reply from customer service, “this happens all the time when people use detergent instead of our special solvent. But it’s easy to fix. There’s a chemical in human saliva that pulls the hair together while disbursing the detergent.”

“Saliva?” says Mendel. “You mean I have to lick the wig to get the Tide detergent off? Ugh!”

“Well, you can lick it, or you can just use drool or spit.”

“Oh,” Mendel says, “that’s not so bad.” So he lays the hairpiece out on a table and gets to work. It’s an arduous job, but he makes the time go fast by singing a song he makes up on the spot. It goes: “I’m spittin’ on tzedakah toupee, washing the Tide hole away…”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #015 (12/6/2014): RESTAURANTS

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The 15th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 6, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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15.
The head of Milwaukee’s restaurant bureau was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

He didn’t mind the downtime until he heard that a big Hollywood movie was coming to town, and he felt awful that he couldn’t escort the stars to the best restaurants the way he usually did. He begged his doctors, “Please, let me bring them to my favorite places!” But the doctors said, “No, you’re not ready.” “Please!” he said. “It’s George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Bill Murray, Laura Dern — I’ll sleep the whole rest of the day, just let me do my celebrity restaurant tours; it’s what we’re known for!”

He begged and pleaded until finally, against their better judgment, the doctors gave in and let him take the movie stars to dinner. He took George Clooney to a French bistro. He took Julia Roberts to the best Mexican place. He brought Bill Murray to a great burger joint. And everything was fine until the last day, when he collapsed in the delicatessen where he had taken Laura Dern for beer and brats.

The coroner held a press conference, and reporters asked him if the doctors were negligent for allowing the guy to resume the tour. “No, said the coroner, “They checked on him every day, and he was doing great. But then he took a Dern for the wurst.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #014 (11/29/2014): TRACY MORGAN

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The 14th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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14.
For his work on “30 Rock,” comedian Tracy Morgan was in London to be knighted by the queen. Unfortunately, right after the ceremony, Morgan begins suffering terrible maladies related to his near-fatal car accident.

They bring him to the Royal Hospital where he complains of dizziness and a burning sensation in his left hip.

The doctor examines Morgan for a few minutes and makes some brief notes on a chart, which he hands to the head nurse. But she stops him in the hall. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I don’t understand your notes,” she tells him.

The doctor says, “It’s simple. We put the patient in a spinning centrifuge to counteract his vertigo. Then we drain off some fluid from his hip to ease the inflammation. It’s all there on the chart.”

“Oh, now I get it!” gasps the nurse. “Spin Sir Tracy, and Catheter in Hip Burn.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #013 (11/22/2014): OLD TEA

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The 13th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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13.
An old Asian tea maker took pride in teaching his culinary students a very special blend of his chai tea. The brew had a strong, delicious taste and an oddly delicate bouquet. No matter how his young students tried, even the best ones could not replicate the brew.

What the teacher couldn’t tell them was the real reason his tea had such a distinct flavor: every morning before school, he would wake up, take a dry loofa and scrape the wrinkly, dead skin off one of his buttocks and into the bag of leaves.

All goes fine until one day, a know-it-all student takes a sip of the old man’s signature tea. “Ugh,” says the boy, “when was this tea made, 1937?”

“What you talk about?” says the teacher, “is fresh, new tea!”

“New? This tastes ancient. I don’t wanna make old tea.”

“Old? Is not old! Made right now!”

“Is not!” counters the boy. “What kind of teacher are you?”

“I good teacher!” the old man yells, “and is new tea!”

“No, it isn’t,” says the boy, “I’m outta here.”

The kid turns to leave, but the teacher grabs him by the collar and hollers, “I good teacher! No Chai Old, Left Behind!”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #012 (11/15/2014): COPPOLA

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The 12th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 15, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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12.
Basking in the success of his “Godfather” films, Francis Ford Coppola books a much-needed vacation to Peru. On his first morning, he visits a llama farm, where he watches the ranchers feed and groom a herd of llamas and alpacas. Immediately, Coppola becomes fascinated by the animals’ eating habits. He gets on the phone to his agent and says, “I know what my next film is gonna be! I’m watching these llamas and the adorable way their faces move when they chew. So I wanna make a nature documentary where all you see are close-ups of their faces and their mouths.”

“Okay,” says the agent, “you’re the genius. But what on earth will you call it?”

Coppola replies, “Alpaca Lips, Now!’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #011 (11/8/2014): MURROW

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The 11th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 8, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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11.
Legendary newscaster Edward R. Murrow stops at his favorite New York diner for dinner.  He asks the waiter if there are any specials.

“Well,” says the old man, “it’s Passover, so we’re serving items tailored to our Jewish customers.”

“Like what?”

“Our most popular is matzoh brei, served with an entrée of roast chicken.”

“Sounds good,” says Murrow. “I’ll have it.”

After the Kosher meal, Murrow lays his payment and tip on the table, silently gets up and heads towards the door.

“Mr. Murrow,” the waiter calls after him. “I know you’re a man of few words, but don’t you have anything at all to say about your food?”

The newscaster thinks for a moment. Then, on his way out the door, he says, “good brei and good cluck.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #010 (11/1/2014): DOVES

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This Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 1, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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10.
A magician is teaching his new assistant the ropes. He brings her to the back room where she sees three shelves – top, middle, and bottom – each with one live dove on it.

The trainer explains, “I do 20 shows a week, and these are the three birds I use for every show. The top one I call “Befores,” because you show him in the lobby before the performance starts. The middle one I call “Afters,” because you display him when I’m signing autographs after the show. And then the bottom one we use during the show.”

“So do you call him Betweens?” asks the assistant. “Or Middles?”

“No,” says the magician. “I call him Bilbo.”

“Bilbo? If your top dove is called Befores, and your middle dove is called Afters, why is the bottom one that you use during the show called Bilbo?”

“Obvious,” says the magician. “He’s Lower Dove Durings.”