The 9th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Oct. 18, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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It’s the last day of a couple’s vacation. Alas, they immediately start to argue over which final tourist attraction to see before making their plane.
The wife says, “I want to see the Botanical Gardens.”
“Boring!” the husband says. “I want to see the Museum of Celebrity Artifacts.”
“Oh,” that’s just trash,” says the wife. “It’s perfect weather for the gardens. And I want to see the buttercups while they’re in full bloom.”
“Again, boring!” says the husband. “They’ve got all these curios at the celebrity museum, like Hank Williams’s radio and Marlon Brando’s shoes. And they just got in a cup of Reese Witherspoon’s urine from when she was arrested for drunk driving.”
The wife huffs, “Are you telling me you’d rather look at Reese Witherspoon’s urine than a flower garden?”
“That’s right,” says the husband. “Reese’s Pee, Not Buttercups!”
The 8th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Oct. 11, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 8. So the March of Dimes is having its annual fundraising push, and they come up with a contest where they get all these famous women in media to help raise money for the cause. The winner, who signs up the most pledges, gets to be that year’s fundraising “queen.” She’s flown to the annual meeting for a big ceremony, gets to wear a tiara, and even has a song written and sung about her.
All these famous women in media compete: Oprah, Ellen, Kathie Lee Gifford, Tina Fey, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric… And yet, surprisingly enough, the winner is Bloomberg Financial anchor Jane King. So they fly her to the big ceremony, make speeches, she gets to wear the tiara and, best of all, the one and only Bob Dylan is there to perform a song about her. What does he sing?
The 7th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Sept. 27, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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7. Neighbors are finally getting fed up with the new guy who moved into their suburban town.
Among his many eccentricities, he fertilizes his lawn once a month with raw garlic, which raises a stink that permeates the town for days. Worse, he’s got a brother in and out of jail, and whenever the felon’s on parole, he comes to visit the new guy and camps out on his front lawn in a ratty old tent.
Finally, the block association can take no more and beg the local police chief to arrest their new neighbor. “But on what charges?”, asks the cop. “Using smelly fertilizer and having a guest?”
“Absolutely!” says the neighborhood spokesman. Get him for: “Lawn Odor: Criminal in Tent.”
Segment aired Sept. 20, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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6. A food writer is compiling a book about the best cups of tea from all over the world. He sends a first draft to his editor, who writes back, “Great job. You’ve been to India, China, Sri Lanka, Russia – but I notice you haven’t been to Australia. You need to go and report on this incredible tea I’ve heard about that’s only served in one tiny shop in the western outback. We can’t do a proper book without it. I’ll extend your deadline, just get there asap.”
So the writer books a plane ticket for Australia where he winds up taking two trains, three puddle-jumpers and a rickshaw before reaching a tiny village. Worried that he’s been sent on a wild goose chase, the writer asks a woman at the local market if she’s heard of this fabled tea shop. “Oh, of course! Best tea in the world.”
“What makes it so special?” asks the writer, grabbing his notebook.
“Well, the shop is owned by Johnny Murphy, this Irish fella who moved here thirty years ago and has been making tea ever since.”
“Fine, but what’s so great about the tea itself?”
“It’s not just the leaves; it’s what happens to them. They grow high on these gum trees. And the koala bears climb all over them and chew on them making them really tender. That’s why no other leaves have their flavor.”
Intrigued, the writer asks the woman for directions to Murphy’s Tea Shop. After a three-mile trek, he arrives at this little hut where a burley, deeply suntanned Irishman stands at the counter.
“A cup of tea, please,” the writer orders.
Murphy nods and sets a kettle on the stove. He then produces a small teacup and a wee bag of brown leaves. He pours two heaping spoonfuls of dry leaves into the cup, and, when the water boils, sloshes the hot water into the tea. “Here you go,” he says, handing the writer the cup and a plain napkin.
The writer looks into the cup but isn’t particularly enthused. Though the beverage smells okay, visually it looks like muddy brown water, with twigs and dirt and dead things floating about. “Whatsamatter?” says the Irishman. “Too strong for ya?”
“No,” says the writer, making a face. “It’s just so unfiltered. Why don’t you use a strainer?”
“Sir,” gasps the owner, affronted. “The Koala Tea of Murphy Cannot Be Strained!”
Segment aired Sept. 6, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com *
5. At the end of World War II, an English madame sets up a brothel in Berlin, figuring to capitalize on all the western soldiers around. Unfortunately, the Yanks just find local girlfriends, and there are no German men with any money, so the brothel struggles terribly.
Worse, next door, a small German bakery grabs whatever business there is to be had. Desperate, the English madame visits the bakery one morning to see if she can work out some kind of deal.
As soon as she walks in, a blueberry muffin leaps off the oven tray, rolls across the floor, flies under her skirt and bites her on the vagina. The woman screams, and all the workers in the bakery come running.
“That bloody thing just bit me!” she said.
“What are you talking about?”
Before the madame can repeat herself, another muffin leaps off the pan, zips under her skirt and gives her a nip on the cooch.
“Oww! What kind of bakery is this?” the madame screams.
“Go away, old woman!” the workers say.
“Go away? This is dangerous! I’m telling everyone!”
So the madame starts raising a ruckus, people gather in the shop door, and the bakery people try to hustle her out of the shop. But the madame points at them, and she sings, “Come all without! Come all within! Your Nazi Muffins Like to Bite Me Quim!”
The 4th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Aug. 30, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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4. Years ago, Neil Young visits a tattoo and piercing shop. The girl shows him a case of wearable jewelry. “Wow, those are nice,” he says, pointing to a pair of studs. “I could put one in each ear.”
“No, you can’t do that,” she replies.
“Oh, well, what about this thing?” he says, pointing to an ivory bar. “I could put that in my cheek.”
“No, Mr. Young, that wouldn’t be appropriate, either.”
“Man, this is tough,” Neil Young says. “Okay, how about this ring? It could go on the side of my lip.”
“Absolutely not,” says the girl.
Exasperated, Neil Young throws up his hands. “Miss, you’ve got all this jewelry. You tell me I can’t put it in my ears, my cheek, my lip . . . Why the heck not?”
“Because, Mr. Young,” she replies, “Everybody Knows This is Nose-Wear.”
The 3rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Aug. 9, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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* 3. A big event for seniors happens here every year, where all the nursing homes take part in a math-and-science Olympics. On Sunday afternoon, senior residents from all the different nursing homes arrive by bus to the town recreation center to compete for prizes and bragging rights. The rules are: you have to be really smart, over 85, wear glasses and a pocket protector, and you can’t have more than nine teeth in your head.
Unfortunately, last year it was embarrassing because one of the buses had engine trouble and had to be towed to the location. It took hours, with everybody standing in the parking lot, waiting for the seniors to arrive.
Finally, after two hours, one parking-lot attendant looked down the road and shouted, “Here it Comes! Here Comes Your Nine-Teeth Nerd-Bus Breakdown.”
The 2nd Wretched Pun of Destiny aired on Dave’s Gone By, Aug. 2, 2014.
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* 2. This huge football fan is excited that the new season is starting soon, so he wants to invite all his buddies for a party on the day of the first game. He heads to the local printing shop and tells the owner he wants to send out invitation cards that would be fun for them to RSVP.
“No problem,” says the shop owner. “We can make the perfect cards. We’ll put the team logos right on the cover and all the information. How do you want the words to look?”
“Well, that’s your department,” says the fan. “I just want something that’s right for sports, guys, football – you know.”
“I know the perfect style,” says the shop guy. “The American Library Association uses a typeface and font that we always use for this kind of invitation.”
The fan says, “Fantastic, go for it! It’s the Broncos vs. the New York Jets. Here’s a list of the Broncos fans I’m inviting, so put their logo on those cards; and here’s a list of the Jets fans. Just make the same exact card, only with the Jet logo, instead.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”
“What do you mean, you can’t do that?”
“Well, we can do it for the Bronco fans, no problem. But not New York.”
“Why the heck not?” asks the fan.
“Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “An ALA Font, Never For Jets?”
The 1st Wretched Pun of Destiny aired July 19, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 1. If you’ve been to Starbucks recently, you know that Oprah Winfrey has a new line of Chai teas. Well, they’ve been so successful, Oprah goes to her marketing and research-and-development people and asks if they could create more lines of tea that she could brand in the same way.
“I’m glad you asked,” says the head R&D guy. “We’ve been working on this new project that we think is perfect for your brand. It’s a line of tea made from essential fish oils.”
Oprah makes a face. “You’re not serious?”
“No, really! I know how it sounds, but they taste great. They’re healthy, they smell amazing, people get their omega fatty acids – here, just try one!”
So the guy brings out a hot cup of tea. “This is yellowtail. Just taste it.”
Oprah does and gasps, “This is delicious! No bad smell, and it looks lovely. And it’s fish oil?”
“Exactly!” laughs the R&D guy. “And we can have whole line of them: Oprah Salmon Tea. Oprah Tilapia Tea. Oprah Swordfish Tea. And I haven’t even shown you the best part!”
The guy brings out all these cups of dry tea and gives Oprah a big kettle of hot water.
“Go ahead, pour!” he says.
So Oprah pours boiling water into the first cup. As soon as she does, she hears this loud, incessant, knocking sound. “What’s that?” she laughs.
“That’s the surprise! The tea leaves are so tightly compacted, the second the boiling water hits them, it sets off chemical reactions that make a racket. It’s a great novelty, and you can market it like crazy. Try some more!”
So Oprah pours water onto the Flounder Tea, and she hears, “knock knock knock knock…” She does it on the Monkfish Tea – same thing. Pretty soon there’s a riot of noise as she’s boiling the Mackerel Tea, the Redfish Tea, the Trout Tea . . .
Finally, she gets to the one with tuna fish and pours the water on it, but all she hears is one single “knock.” “Hmm, let me try another one,” she says. So they hand her another cup of the tuna, she pours the water in, but again, just a single “knock.”
“Well, this is incredibly promising,” Oprah raves. “I love the whole line, and I can’t wait to get it going. Of course, you’re gonna have to bring this last one back for more testing. All the others made so much noise; it’s a shame the tuna is so quiet. Can you fix it?”
The R&D man looks at her aghast and replies, “Oh, heavens no! Oprah Tuna Tea Only Knocks Once!”
