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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): PRESIDENTS DAY

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): Presidents Day

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired February 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 20, 2011.

Happy Washington’s Birthday everybody. No, wait – Happy Lincoln’s Birthday everybody. No – wait, make that Happy Presidents Day. Who the hell knows what day it is?

Back in olden times, George Washington’s birthday was celebrated on February 22nd because it was … wait for it… George Washington’s birthday! What could be simpler? Venerate this important statesman on the actual day of his birth.

But everybody knows the best holidays fall on a Monday. If you keep Washington’s Birthday on the 22nd, there’s only a one-in-seven chance of scoring a three-day weekend. Politicians fixed this problem by moving the holiday one week earlier. Leave it to the Federal Government to ensure Washington’s Birthday never actually falls on Washington’s Birthday. These are the people we pay to fix our sewers.

Anyway, let’s not forget about Lincoln’s Birthday, February 12th. God forbid we should have two national holidays so that working people get two days off in the middle of godforsaken February. No, even though Lincoln’s Birthday was never officially shlunked into Washington’s, most people assume Presidents Day covers both these guys.

But who’s to say it doesn’t cover more? Some of the founders of Presidents Day intended it to honor the office of the presidency, rather than any particular leader. But does that mean, when we celebrate Presidents Day, we’re glorifying Warren G. Harding? Richard Nixon? Jimmy Carter? George W. Bush? I’d sooner celebrate Bernie Madoff’s birthday!

Why couldn’t we leave things the way they were? Celebrate a holiday on the holiday. I feel bad for Lincoln; I really do. He’s like the goyische kid whose birthday falls on Christmas Eve. So all his relatives bring him one present instead of two – but it’s a slightly nicer, more expensive gift because it covers both occasions. They think this is fairness. When the kid grows up, he should tell the relatives, “You know.. years from now, when you’re lying in a nursing home, I would have come to visit twice a year, but instead, I’ll come once, but I’ll stay ten minutes longer. Cheap bastards.”

Speaking of goyim, you notice – they don’t touch Christmas. The other holidays they move like backgammon chips, but Christmas, no. Or New Year’s Day – but that one at least has a built-in safety. Nevertheless, I’m sure there’s a schmuck politician out there who’s thinking, “January 1st would be so much more convenient on December 28th.” Only thing stopping the madness is the calendar.

Christmas, on the other hand – why not move it? Who knows when Jesus was actually born, if Jesus was actually born. So keep New Year’s Day, and move Christmas to July. This way the goyim can put up their decorations without freezing their balls off, we get a nice Federal holiday between Memorial and Labor Day, and Jews wouldn’t have to keep explaining to our children why Christmas and Chanukah have nothing in common.

Well, except the fat guy who comes into people’s houses for a nosh while they’re asleep. One is Santa Claus, the other is crazy uncle Mort who needs a restraining order.

And as for Presidents Day – well, if we set aside one holiday for every president who wasn’t a disaster, you’d need half a dozen days. So lumping all the leaders into Presidents Day does have its logic. In fact, why not add Statesman Day? That way, you could honor all these noble speakers – Martin Luther King, Madeleine Albright, Mister Rogers – without going through the controversies: “oh, this one’s an adulterer, that one’s too liberal, this one wears lame sweaters.”

And how about a holiday dedicated to the guy who put all the holidays on Mondays? For the sake of three-day weekends and half-a-day Fridays, the guy who disregarded birthdays, anniversaries, bombings, assassinations, all in the name of commerce, convenience and white sales. We should find out who this guy is and celebrate his birthday… whenever.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32945

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #4 (2/12/2011): Egypt

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #4 (2/12/2011): Egypt

click above to listen (audio file only)

Aired February 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/vAiG4Xajf30

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 13, 2011.

Well, it’s been a quiet week in the Middle East . . . nothing much going on there. (laugh) Is there ever quiet in the Middle East? In the Arab world, quiet is when they send only two missiles a day into Israel instead of the usual five.

But of course, these past three weeks, the world has been watching Egypt with a mixture of excitement, hope, fear and “oy, is gas four dollars yet?”

Doesn’t it figure that the one country Israel gets along with, the one country that has been a stable, peaceful neighbor for 30 years is the one that goes tohu-va-voho crazy? Does Iran go berserk, does Libya? No. Egypt is where they riot in the streets.

And they got what they wanted; Hosni Mubarak stepped down. One day before he quit, he sneaked away to a fancy resort. Got himself a massage, maybe a nice pedicure, calls Al Jazeera and says, “Okay, I’m done. I was gonna leave in a couple of weeks anyway. Help you guys transition to…whatever it is you’re transitioning to. But the people have spoken, and the regime is broken.” He’s probably shopping for a condo in Fort Lauderdale as we speak.

But of course, the big question is: what’s next? Mubarak’s vice president is trying to hold power – good luck on that. And as we ideally interpret the situation in the Western World, we hear the chant: “Democracy! Democracy! A democratic government by and for the people.” Crap, we don’t even have that here!

But do ya think they’ll even get that there? If and when Egypt does hold an election, the top candidate is gonna be backed by an outfit called the Muslim Brotherhood. I don’t mind the Brotherhood much, it’s the Muslim I’m worried about.

The Muslim Brotherhood is an organization across the Arab world that supports Muslim Sharia law as the law of the land. Supposedly, they’re non-violent, as opposed to Hamas, or Al Qaeda, or your typical Irish soccer fan. If we believe their press releases, they are a harmless, moderate, political group – like Shriners with different turbans. If we believe history, they’re anti-West, anti-Israel, ultra-religious – and just waiting for their day in the sun.

The question is not, “will Egypt become a Muslim state?” but “When they’re a Muslim state, will they march into Czechoslovakia?”

Now, I hate to sound pessimistic because I am, by nature, such a fun-loving goddamn bon vivant. So I will say this: when Anwar Sadat first came to the peace talks all those years ago, I didn’t trust him one bit. After all, 1979 was only six years after the Yom Kippur War, when Egypt and Syria picked the holiest Jewish day of the year to sneak-attack Israel. We kicked their asses, of course, but what were we to make of Sadat suddenly cramming an olive branch between his teeth? How do you trust the untrustable?

Except, of course, and to his everlasting credit, he kept his word. Egypt stopped attacking Israel. And Israel kept its word, too. We didn’t attack Egypt. Well, we weren’t attacking Egypt to begin with, but such is the unbalanced balance that passes for fairness in the Middle East.

My point, though, is that Mubarak also kept Sadat’s word. Maybe he was a dictator, maybe his economics didn’t trickle down to the people, maybe he was a western puppet. All I know is, now that the strings are cut, we’d love to see this puppet replaced by Jerry Mahoney, King Friday, even Kukla.

So why does my gut tell me we’ll end up with Chucky?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://shalomdammit.wordpress.com/2011/02/12/39/

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=38040

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #3 (1/29/2011): Taco Bell

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #3 (1/29/2011): Taco Bell

Aired January 29, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://youtu.be/7PpPBBQCz-8

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 30th, 2011.

In 1984, an adorable old biddy named Clara Peller took the nation by storm when she asked, “Where’s the beef? Where’s the beef?”

At the time, she was peeking under hamburger buns, looking for a sandwich as delicious and meaty as what she got at Wendy’s. Other fast-food chains, the commercial was saying, were stingy with the steer and padding their patties with fillers and fixin’s.

Last week, a new question was asked – this time of Taco Bell. Instead of “Where’s the beef,” the new question is, “What in God’s name is the scheiss you’re stuffing in a taco?” It’s a subtly different question, but an important one, because a group of lawyers is now suing Taco Bell. Why?

According to the USDA, to call something beef, it has to be at least 70 percent meat, and the rest can be fat. If it’s only 50 percent meat and 50 percent fat, it’s filler. Or Seth Rogen.

To be called even a beef product, it has to contain at least 40 percent actual meat.

The lawyers suing Taco Bell say that the Mexican-food chain uses a beef-like mixture that is only 35 percent meat. The other 65 percent is…..not.

Not that all the extra ingredients are bad – there’s soybeans, oats, wheat, fiberglass insulation – but if you, the consumer, are ordering beef, you should be guaranteed that at least two thirds of what’s going in your tummy is the ground-up remains of a murdered cow.

Taco Bell has denied filling its tacos with filler. They say the attorneys are simply underestimating their secret mix of beef, spices, beef helper, beef helpless, vermin excrement and marginally beef-related objects.

Now you may ask, Rabbi, why are you weighing in on this controversy? Aren’t you Kosher?

No. I enjoy dipping a shrimp-flavored ham sandwich into a glass of milk as much as the next guy. Probably more. But even if I were as Kosher as I am irritating, would I not feel an obligation to protect the stomachs and anuses of my fellow man?

Let us not pre-judge too harshly. Who among us has ventured into Taco Bell expecting a gourmet meal? In fact, who among us hasn’t been tempted to peek inside a Taco Bell burrito and then stopped ourselves, thinking, “nooo…sometimes it’s best not to know.”

And let’s be honest: even the highest-quality Mexican food can cause a person to crap like a dying gorilla.

I, myself, have been to Mexican take-out places where if you order more than 15 dollars, they throw in an extra roll of toilet paper.

My God, you know why they use re-fried beans? They couldn’t fry them right in the first place.

And there’s a reason the initials of Taco Bell’s Mexi-Melt are M&M. They melt in your mouth AND in your pants.

Now, I enjoy diarrhea as much as the next guy. Probably more. And there’s something very organic about a kind of food that looks exactly the same coming out as it did going in.

But we must demand honesty of our merchants. If you fill your quesadilla from a case o’ sawdust, we have a right to know.

And so, only time – and the courts – will show whether Taco Bell can stop this unfortunate smear campaign, or if this campaign can stop unfortunate smears.

But my friends, this lesson extends to our personal lives and interactions. How often do we give only 35 percent of ourselves, when we could give 50, or 90, or the much-quoted but mathematically disturbing 110?

Do we really listen when we have a conversation? At work, do we drudge away while keeping one eye on the clock, one eye on youtube, and one eye on the window? When being intimate with our spouse, do we think about her, or about that hot little blonde girl with the low-rise jeans and the overbite at the Rite Aid? You know, the one who always wears those pink sweaters and lots of rings and has those three piercings in the left ear – no, no, the right ear. Oh, yes.

But shame on you…for neglecting your wife! Why are you giving her filler, when you should be giving her your meat? And wife, are you being fully honest about what has filled your taco?

And so I say unto Taco Bell and to you, my dear listeners, you can either improve your fare, or, if you keep dishing out the same drek, at least be honest about it. If you do, I will keep patronizing Taco Bell, just as I did today for lunch. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drop a chalupa.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. ¡Olé!

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=38047

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #2 (1/23/2011): Regis Philbin

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #2 (1/23/2011): Regis Philbin

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired January 22, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWUWkjdRhb0

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 23, 2011.

On Tuesday, television personality Regis Philbin announced that he would leave his long-running morning talk show, “Regis and Kelly,” at the end of the summer.

Mornings without Regis. Can you imagine it? That’s like breakfast without fiber. You can do it, but the rest of the day, you regret it.

Let’s give the man his props. He started in TV in the 1950s, and got his first national exposure playing second fiddle to Joey Bishop. As television goes, that’s just slightly higher than the guy who cleans coffee filters in the green room.

But Regis stuck with it. He went through show after show, failure after failure, until finally, he found his niche. I know when a proctologist found my niche, it hurt like hell.

In 1985, Philbin was muddling through a New York morning talk show when they paired him with Kathie Lee Gifford. They fit together like blintzes and sour cream, like onions and chopped liver, like mayonnaise and whatever it is goyim put mayonnaise on.

And when Kathie Lee left, everybody worried – “Oh! What will happen to the show? Will Regis be able to find that chemistry with another annoying female? But along came Kelly Ripa, and not only was she hot like pastrami, she was peppery, like cole slaw.

I really need to stop writing these sermons when I’m hungry.

They made a nice team; Kelly’s verve and muscular arms modulating his wry wit and creeping senility.

But all good things come to an end, and 79-year-old Regis Philbin has decided it’s time to wrap up the microphone and drain his morning cup of Metamucil.

Speculation has already begun as to what Ripa will do when Regis goes. Names are being floated for the co-host gig: Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, and even some heterosexuals.

If I may be so bold – and if there’s one thing people know about me, it’s that I may be so bold – might I suggest that I, Rabbi Sol Solomon, be the new co-host of the program. “Rebbe and Ripa.” “Sol and the Skank.” “Kelly and the Ki – ” well, anyway.

But think of it. I have so much to offer a morning chat show. I’m lively, quirky.. I have great legs. I can banter with Kelly about sports teams, like, “Ooh, how about those Colorado Broncos. Are there any Jews on that team?”

I can do zany but informative cooking segments. Like bringing in a live cow and slaughtering it to demonstrate kashrut.

And when there are guests, I can ask pointed questions like, “So, Edie Falco. In the fifth chapter of Leviticus, HaShem warns against touching the carcass of an unclean beast. With that in mind, what was it like kissing James Gandolfini?”

I can even do the trivia questions, you know, with the wheel. Like this: “On yesterday’s show, we asked Justin Bieber whether he’s circumcised. Was his answer yes, no, or yes but badly?”

I would be the best thing to happen to morning television since J. Fred Muggs, and I certainly smell better. (sniffs) Well, maybe not, but, hey, we could be “Kelly and Smelly!”

My dear listeners, I belong on network television. Like car crashes and earthshaking tragedies. I would be a breath of fresh air (sniffs) well, if you don’t stand too close.

Please write to your local ABC affiliates and tell them, “You Want the Rabbi! You Want the Rabbi!” Gelman’s Jewish, he’ll understand. And if he doesn’t, there’s got to be one of our people controlling the media who will.

So Kelly, if you’re listening: forget the husband, forget the rotating co-hosts; go for the angry Jew. Your ratings will be like Mel Gibson’s wife: they won’t know what hit them, or why.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. See you on the boob tube!

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=38051

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #1 (1/16/2011): Martin Luther King

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #1 (1/16/2011): Martin Luther King

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired January 15, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=38056. Youtube: https://youtu.be/3H28EMHz_9k

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 16th, 2011.

As you may have heard in the news, a radio host in Colorado has gone on the air trashing Martin Luther King, Jr. Actually, the host is reading a letter about King, written by someone else. But he’s reading it over and over and over for weeks leading up to Martin Luther King Day.

The letter calls the slain civil rights leader a plastic god, a Communist, and a sexual degenerate.

Well, who of us isn’t?

I have a plastic hip, I wish we all had better healthcare, and there are things I would do to Natalie Portman that should be illegal in 37 states. In fact, they already are illegal in the other 12. Wait, hold it… (pause) 13, sorry.

Anyhoo, this broadcaster on something called “Pirate Radio,” a.k.a. the KKK, says MLK had feet of clay. In other words, why do we revere and respect this man if he was such a shady character in his private life?

To this I say again: name a leader who isn’t?

George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, the slave owners? FDR, who had a mistress behind – and in front of – Eleanor’s back? Golda Meir, the slut? God bless her. George W. Bush, whose college years made “Animal House” look like the Sistine Chapel? Ronald Reagan, who sold secret weapons to the nice people who became Al Qaeda?

And what of our entertainers? The people we look to for joy and spiritual pleasure? Mel Gibson, whose bloodstream could intoxicate Ireland? David Letterman, who calls his assistants interns because he knows them internally? Rush Limbaugh – whose medicine cabinet could cure Gabrielle Giffords? Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant, Jack Nicholson, Richard Burton, Steve McQueen, Cary Grant, John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, Woody Allen, Donald Trump – all cheated on their little hausfraus at home.

Nobody’s a saint in this world – not even the saints.

So let’s go back to this numbskull at the radio station, trying to say how we shouldn’t honor the achievements of Martin Luther King… because he was a bad guy. Go look on the website of the Pirate Radio station, and see the artists they play. They play oldies, nostalgia, music you hear in bad barbershops. Gåreat. And they’re proud of it.

Their heroes… like Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Judy Garland, Tony Bennett, Glen Campbell, Waylon Jennings, Sammy Davis Jr., Hank Williams. Drugs? You could run a hospital for a year on what these people had for breakfast!

Rosemary Clooney was out of her mind; Bing Crosby was smacking his kids… But I don’t hear these people being run down. I don’t hear that radio station saying, “We’re gonna play a song by Frank Sinatra. He was an insulting, abusive bully who owed his career to the Mafia. And now, let’s hear “Young at Heart.”

My dear listeners, nobody is perfect. Especially, not you. And if we look at Martin Luther King, we should see the good, the bad, the ugly and the magnificent.

To push an agenda that urinates on this man’s legacy, under the guise of telling some kind of whole truth, is a shameless – and shameful – obfuscation.

And I don’t even know what obfuscation means, but it really sounds good, doesn’t it?

So think what you want about Martin Luther King the man, but honor Martin Luther King the poetic visionary, and most importantly –

Enjoy Martin Luther King Day the holiday! It’s a day off work! What the hell are you trying to rock the boat for? Morons!

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Shalom from every one of me to every one of you.

—> https://youtu.be/3H28EMHz_9k

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=38056

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2sG

Dave’s Gone By Interview (11/1/2009): THEODORE BIKEL & Rabbi Sol Solomon

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews actor-singer Theodore Bikel

Topics include: folk music, immigration, The Sound of Music, Frank Zappa.

Segment originally aired Nov. 1, 2009 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Sad Note: Our Friend of the Daverhood, Theodore Bikel, passed July 21, 2015 at age 91.

Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2009 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Interview (9/22/2009): BURT EDWARDS & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews veteran actor Burt Edwards

Topics include: theater, Virginia, off-Broadway.

Segment originally aired Sept. 22, 2009 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Sad Note: Our Friend of the Daverhood, Burt Edwards, passed Feb. 25, 2013 at age 85.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/8/2009): AVI HOFFMAN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews actor Avi Hoffman

Topics include: Jewish and Yiddish theater

Segment originally aired March 8, 2009 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2009 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Interview (12/14/2008): GINA BELTRAMI & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews songwriter and humorist Gina Beltrami

Topics include: Christmas, “I Farted on Santa’s Lap”

Segment originally aired Dec. 14, 2008 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Interview (12/14/2008): LISA ALCALAY KLUG & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Joined by Jeff Goodman, Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews “Cool Jew” comic author Lisa Alcalay Klug

Topics include: writing “Cool Jew.”

Segment originally aired Dec. 14, 2008 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com