Dave's Gone By – Page 238 – the long-running radio show & video podcast

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/30/2004): MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT

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ZZ-Song-MyDoggysChristmasGift A holiday song to warm the cockles of pet lovers’ hearts everywhere.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT

by David Lefkowitz

(spoken) So here it is, just weeks away from Christmas. You’ve shopped for your family, your friends, your special friends, and even bought a trinket for yourself. But oh my gracious, haven’t you forgotten someone? Someone close to you. Loyal, playful, full of love every day of the year. What, oh what will you offer your canine companion?

You can give your dog a toy that would make him leap with joy
Or sneak your mutt a mutton cut of prime
But when Christmas has come, something special must be done
Sometimes tasteful, not expensive but sublime.

You can spend a pretty dollar on a doghouse or a collar
You can pamper her or groom him till he glows
But the thing I like to do – and I know that he will, too,
Is to share the gift of love that overflows.

I’m gonna give my dog an enema for Christmas
All dressed up in a Santa Claus disguise
Each yuletide without fail, I lift my doggy’s tail
And give his little poop chute a surprise.

I’m gonna fill his little anus up with bubbles
And rinse his small intestines out with cream
I’ll sing a little ode as Bowser’s bowels explode
It makes the yuletide pass just like a dream.

I’m gonna pump my pooch with barium for Christmas.
And spike it with a pint or two of gin
I’ll grease him up with lube, and then insert the tube
And stroke his furry muzzle as the tide rolls in.

I’m gonna squeeze the water deep into his anus
No longer will he constipated be
I’ll pump until he’s sore, and then I’ll squirt some more
And maybe save a drop or two for me.

Now, some express dismay at this holiday display
They say, “Dave, perhaps the doggy is in pain?”
I say, “Yes, he starts in grief, but my goodness, the relief
When his doggy doos go doodling down the drain.”

And so I give my dog an enema each Christmas
And squeeze the bag of Fleet with all my might
As gobs of Christmas cheer come flying out his rear
I say, “Merry diarrhea, and to all, a good shite!”

And if you’re wondering what gift to get your spaniel
Or how to make a wolfhound howl with glee
Buy a nozzle and a bowl and k.y. for his hole
And douche your pooch beneath the Christmas tree.
I guarantee: you’ll have a merry, messy yuletide spree
Yessirree, an excremental Christmas memory.

(spoken) Careful children, that is not eggnog.

Dave’s Gone By #107 (12/23/2004): LONG-RANGE MISTLETOE

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Here is the 107th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 23, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Featuring: A very musical holiday show, including Inside Broadway and the satirical News Gone By.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:07:00 Dave on Xmas
00:19:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – Holiday Shows
00:27:00 NEWS GONE BY w/ “Santasia” poem
00:33:00 POEM: Santasia (Dave)
00:51:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Dec. 23, 2004 Playlist: “A Christmas Carol” (Tom Lehrer); “My Doggy’s Christmas Gift” (Dave, unreleased); “We Killed Santa Claus” (Dave, unreleased); “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Joseph Spence); “Santasia” (Dave, unreleased); “(I’m Having a) Gay Christmas” (Peter Fitzgerald, unreleased); “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas” (Rabbi Sol Solomon, unreleased, encore from 12/22/02 show), “Another Christmas Song” (Cab City Combo).

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/2004): WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS

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ZZSong-WeKilledSantaClaus

A humbuggy holiday carol.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS

by David Lefkowitz (sung to “Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry & Oakley Haldeman)

We killed Santa Claus
We killed Santa Claus
We killed Jesus, too
Nailed him to a cross
No big freakin’ loss
Just another cranky Jew

All our life was trouble and strife
From the Holocaust to Pogroms.
So keep J.C. away from me
He’s worse than terrorist bombs.

We kill babies
We kill children
Use their blood for cake.
We own Hollywood
We own Wall Street
Take take take take take

This is what you’ve said about us
For the past 2,000 years
Pound, Voltaire, and Charles Baudelaire
and any goy who’s had four beers

We killed Santa Claus
We killed Santa Claus
And we’d do it again
Goodbye carols
Goodbye crèches
No goodwill toward men

You’ve hated us since the birth of Christ
So we hate you in return
So stick your mass
Straight up your ass
And burn, Joan of Arc, bitch, burn.

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/2004): SANTASIA

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ZZ-Song-Santasia

A deeply warped and perverted take on “The Night Before Christmas,” for your holiday pleasure.

Segment originally aired Dec. 30, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

SANTASIA

by David Lefkowitz

`Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the malls
Santa was bouncing young boys on his balls.
The children would snuggle all deep in his lap
Which is why Santa’s suit had a secret front flap.

His stocking was hung like a pornstar in heat
As fidgety children would straddle his meat
The mommies would wander and endlessly shop
While Santa found nine-year-old cherries to pop.

On Trojan, on Durex, on Hot Rod and Crown
His tree would light up when the children went down.
With tears in his eyes and beer on his breath,
Old Santa would quiver with each little death.

And when he was through, he’d give each child a buck
“Ho, ho, ho!” he would say. “And thanks for the fuck!”
After every tenth child, he drank juice and rested
And gave candy canes to the tykes he molested.

Only twice all day did he excuse himself
To visit the men’s room and bugger an elf.
And when he was finished, he again took his place
With a boy on his lap and a girl on his face.

Then, outside the store, there arose such a ruckus
That Santa stopped fondling an eight-year-old’s tuchas.
He said, “What the hell?” and jumped flat to the floor
As a dozen policemen burst through the door.

“You, in the fat suit! You’ve got quite a nerve.”
“Yes, twelve inches long,” said the jolly old perv.
“That’s not what I meant,” said Captain O’Flynn.
“Now put your hands up and your pecker back in!”

“But what did I do?” Santa said with a shrug.
“I just gave them affection . . . and sex and a drug.”
“We know who you are, and it’s not Santa Claus.
You’re just an old weirdo who breaks Megan’s Laws.”

“But these children love me! They’re all my new friends.
So what if there’s blood coming out their rear ends?
I treat them as equals regardless of class.
`Cause Santa loves fairness, and an ass is an ass.
Each child gets a chance to hold Santa’s hand,
To stroke Santa’s beard, and yank Santa’s gland.
From the brawniest jock to the scrawniest worm,
All children are blessed when covered with sperm.”

A whole minute passed `fore the Captain could speak.
With a lump in his throat and tears down his cheek.
“Forgive me,” he said, “I was quick to accuse.
I saw all these youngsters with stained underoos.
I just didn’t realize you had such a heart;
They’re lucky to have you at this mega-mart.
Don’t let us disturb you; we’ll be on our way.
Merry Christmas, dear Santa, and have a nice day.”

And quick as a wink, the cops left the store,
And Santa went back to his under-age whores.
He looked at his penis, all hairy and bent
and said, “Thank God five is the age of consent.”

He saw one child laughing and said, “Think that’s funny?
I’m gentle compared to my pal, Easter Bunny.”
Now, line up in order, and don’t you get fresh.
I’m harder than granite and crave sweet young flesh.

He gave the kids candy; he gave the moms cash.
He gave the whole town a venereal rash.
And when the last child had been raped and defiled
Santa Claus looked at his winkie and smiled.

He stood up and leered and did a cute dance
And tasted the smears that were left on his pants.
The children said, “Santa, where is your sleigh?”
“Out there,” he said, pointing to a black Chevrolet.

“Do you have any reindeer? Do you have any toys?”
“Just the ones I used on you, girls and boys.”

Said one little girl still rubbing her rear,
“Please tell us, dear Santa, you’ll be back next year.”
Santa paused for a moment, then leaned down and kissed her.
“Of course I will,” he whispered, “if you bring your sister.
Now carry my suitcase. I warn you, it’s heavy.”
And quick as a wink, they were off to his Chevy.

The engine did rev, and the tires did screech.
The upholstery smelled of whiskey and bleach
and beer and tobacco and dog diarrhea
as off Santa went to the next galleria.

But they heard him exclaim as he drove off the lot,
“Merry Christmas to all! Goddamn, that was hot.”

Dave’s Gone By #106 (12/16/2004): WINTERESTING

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Here is the 106th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 16, 2004.

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Featuring: Dave Goes Off on Donuts, Donald Rumsfeld and Scott Peterson. Plus: Inside Broadway (The Rivals) and the satirical News Gone By.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:14:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – The Rivals
00:21:00 NEWS GONE BY
00:31:00 DAVE GOES OFF – Donuts, Donald & Death
00:52:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Dec. 16, 2004 Playlist: “Waist Deep in the Big Muddy” (Pete Seeger).

Dave’s Gone By #105 (12/9/2004): CIGGY STARBURST

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Here is the 105th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM, Dec. 9, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest: Rabbi Sol Solomon, spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches, Great Neck, NY

Featuring: Dave celebrates Chanukah with Rabbi Sol Solomon and goes off on smoking on stage. Plus: La Cage returns Inside Broadway.

0:00:01 DAVE GOES IN – Daylight
00:20:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – La Cage
00:31:00 DAVE GOES OFF – Smoking
00:38:00 SKIT: Rabbi Sol Solomon on Chanukah
00:50:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Dec. 9, 2004 Playlist: “Daylight” (Kinks); “Song on the Sand” (La Cage aux Folles, original cast); “Is it Good for the Jews?” (Rabbi Sol Solomon); “Anal Dreidel” (Dave, unreleased).

Gary Beach and Daniel Davis in La Cage aux Folles

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/9/2004): IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS? w/ Rabbi Sol Solomon

ZZ-Song-IsItGoodfortheJews A song of questioning from Rabbi Sol Solomon.

Segment originally aired Dec. 9, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS?

by Rabbi Sol Solomon (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)

Is it good for the Jews?
Do we win? Do we lose?
Should we laugh? Should we cry?
666 or maybe chai?

Is it righteous
Is it wrong?
Is it relevant to this song?
Weigh the subtext and the clues
As they pertain to Jews.

Ask the Rebbe, ask the mohel
Is it good for Yisroel?
Do we dance or sing the blues
Is it good, goddammit, for the Jew?

Does it mollify? Does it harm?
Does it qualify for alarm?
Is the danger far or near?
Is it joy or oy vey iz mir?

Is it heaven? Is it hell?
Do we gasp, or do we kvell?
A mound of gold or a pile of shoes
Is it good . . . ?

Dave’s Gone By #104 (12/2/2004): D IN DC IN DEC

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Here is the 104th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 2, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest: Peter Fitzgerald, Vice President of WGLFAR, The Woodmere Gay/Lesbian Front..and Rear.

Featuring: Dave’s trip to Washington DC. Plus: the satirical News Gone By, Inside Broadway (Pacific Overtures & Billy Crystal), the Jeopardy Ken song and the skit, Fiddler is a Pouf with Peter Fitzgerald.

00:00:00 DAVE GOES IN
00:06:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – Pacific Overtures & Billy Crystal
00:16:00 SKIT: Fiddler is a Pouf w/ Peter Fitzgerald
00:28:00 DAVE GOES OFF – Jeopardy Ken & Dave in DC
00:43:00 NEWS GONE BY
00:53:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Dec. 2, 2004 Playlist: “There is No Other Way” (Pacific Overtures original cast; “Jeopardy Ken” (Dave, “Five Daves”), “Wedding Dance” (Fiddler on the Roof original cast).

Dave’s Gone By Skit (12/2/2004): FIDDLER IS A POUF

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ZZSkit-FiddlerHarvey

Peter Fitzgerald looks at Fiddler in a gay way

Segment originally aired Nov. 24, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By #103 (11/25/2004): SABA SIBI SZABO

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Here is the 103rd episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Nov. 25, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest: singer-songwriter Rob Szabo

Featuring: Dave chats with singer-songwriter Rob Szabo. Plus: an Inside Broadway farewell to Cy Coleman.

00:00:00 DAVE GOES IN
00:04:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – Cy Coleman
00:17:00 DAVE’S GOT GUESTS – Rob Szabo
00:50:00 DAVE GOES OUT

November 25, 2004 Playlist: “The Legacy” (On the Twentieth Century), “Goodbye” (Little Me), “The Legacy,” “Beautiful,” “Watching a Movie” & “Incandescent” (Rob Szabo).