Dave's Gone By

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S APOCRYPHA #1 (10/6/2002): Women’s Issues

aired Oct. 6, 2002 on Dave’s Gone By. Listen: https://davesgoneby.net/?p=69748 Listen to full episode: https://davesgoneby.net/daves-gone-by-1-10602-first-things-first/

Shalom! Shalom oovrachah! I’m Rabbi Sol Solomon from Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. A special “hello” to my congregation, the Couples Club, the Kiddush Club, the Staten Island Mortuary Club, and to all listeners of all faiths! 

First, I would like to say how grateful I am to David Lefkowitz for having me on to inaugurate his wonderful show. I think it’s a great thing for Long Island, a great thing for the radio station…I’m still not sure if it’s good for the Jews, but we’ll see. 

I’m especially glad to be here on the first program because the timing is so auspicious — just a week ago was the holiday, Simchas Torah, where Jews celebrate receiving the Bible directly from God. All year, every week in the synagogue, Jews read a small section of the Torah, week by week, until they finish the whole book. All five books! Then, since the Jews are never satisfied with their accomplishments, they start all over again. And this is the week they begin again, from Genesis, chapter one, verse one: “In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.” He should have stopped right there, but no, He had to go and create the rest of it. So we had animals and plant life and mosquitos and Adam and, God help us, Eve. Then, Cain and Abel. Then Cain kills Abel, goes off to the land of Nod and finds a wife, who must have been his sister, since the only two people in the world at this points are his parents. 

Anyway, after that, everybody has a lot of kids. Jared begat Enoch, Enoch begat Methuselah, Methuselah begat Lamech and told him, “Son, I’ve begotten more than you will ever know.” And Abraham led a clean life and lived 930 years. The famous Methuselah lived 987 years — and he smoked and ate fried foods! And then, Noah was born, and that’s the end of the chapter. 

So, what do we take from this story? What do we glean from it? Well, if you’re a man: don’t kill, don’t sin, and when God tells you something, pay attention. If you’re a woman: don’t talk to snakes, don’t marry your brother, and don’t play hard to beget.

Speaking of women, as many of you might know, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The sponsors of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, or, as I’d like to call them, “Boob Watch,” estimate that this year more than 200,000 new cases of breast cancer are expected to hit women in America. And it’s my personal guess that 190,000 will be in Long Island alone. We’re all living in a swamp, there are power lines inside our houses, microwave ovens carry C-SPAN now — dammit, children are being born with extra noses!

So, if you’re a woman living on Long Island, your boobs are Ground Zero! Therefore, let’s get the firemen out of the damn building and prevent a Nipple Nine-Eleven. 

Now, my wife, the lovely Rebbetzin, was supposed to be here doing this segment. But this was her poker night. So I’m going to have to pinch hit for her on this (or “pinch-tit,” as it were). October 18th is National Mammography Day. Go to your doctor, he’ll do the machine, he’ll squash you like latkes, and then you won’t worry. Or, as I like to say, if you want naches, smash your knockers. 

Aside from the mammograms, the American Cancer Society recommends that women examine their boobs once a month. If you have an unpredictable period — say, an exclamation point — do the exam the same time every month. If you’re pretty regular, do the test a couple of days after your period. If you’re post-menopausal, you probably had dinner at three o’clock, went to sleep at five, and you’re not even listening.

Okay, how to do a self-breast examination. I call it “the Cream of Wheat maneuver,” because we’re looking for lumps, changes, and thickenings. 

First things first: the best way to do it is lying down or in the shower. In fact, that’s the best way to do a lot of things. But today, we’re just gonna do it standing up listening to the radio. Are you ready ladies? Shirts off, bras off, girdles off, piercings out! If you can, face a mirror. Men: you can follow along at home or daven — whatever you wanna do.

Now, please, ladies, no cheating. You must examine your own boobs. If you’re a woman and you’re touching another woman’s boobs, please stop…and send the Polaroids to me, Rabbi Sol Solomon, care of this radio st — naw, I’m just teasing. Engineer? A little Walk Down Mammary Lane music, if you please. 

Okay. Place your right hand in the air, and wave it like you just don’t care — except you do care, because if there’s a malignancy, you’re screwed. Now, look in the mirror at your breasts. Are there two of them? If not, you’ve probably already seen a doctor. If you have both gazongas, we move to step two. Hold your right hand up and use the fingers of your left hand — not the fingertips — use the flat part to circle and massage, working from the armpit down. Let’s try that, shall we? (hums a Hebraic ditty) This is fun! 

Now, we’re looking for any kind of irregularities: bumps, lumps, puckering. You also want to squeeze the nipples and look for a discharge. With me, together! And…squeeze! Squeeze the etrog! Squeeze, dammit! Squeeze!

Good, now, right hand down, left hand up, same as before, and…rub! Rub! Feel the burn! Apply light pressure, then heavier pressure, then more pressure still. Squeeze! And squeeze! Squeeze the etrog, squeeze!

All right, very good, very good! Now, we’re gonna loosen up. We’re gonna let `em go, and we’re gonna shake them out a little bit. A little shaking-out music, if you please. We’re gonna give `em a good bounce! Shake like a lulav in a hurricane! 

Very good. Now, if you found anything unusual in or on or around or under or over or next door to your boobs, please, go to your doctor. Chances are more than likely it’s benign. Of course, they’ll have to do a horrible, painful biopsy to tell you this, but, hey, for peace of mind, it’s worth it. 

And, men, although it’s very rare, males can develop something called gynecomastia, a non-cancerous breast disease that still needs to be treated. Here’s a little poem about it: 

There was a young rabbi from Brest

who found a small lump in his chest

It turned out benign

In fact, it was fine

Except for the trousers he messed.

Well, I see by the old sand dial on the console that it’s time to turn things back over to Dave. I wanna wish you all a terrific and healthy week. Be tolerant of your neighbors, and be good to yourselves. On behalf of myself, my dear wife Miriam Libby, and our children: Nechemiah, Josiah, Shloime, Chanah, Rivki, Yehuda, Moishe, Yechezkiel, Boruch, Avigdor, Yisroel, Hepzibah, Shaul, Aliza, Shimon, Gedaliah, Naftuli, and Fred (by my first marriage), this is Rabbi Sol Solomon saying shalom oovrachah, from every one of me to every one of you.

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