click above to watch episode #980click above to listen (audio only)
Here is the 980th episode of the long-running radio show/video podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired live on Facebook, Saturday morning, March 15, 2025.
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #191 (Mahmoud Khalil), Greeley Times; Bunion Watch; Dave’s Big Dictionary (stratagem); StoryTime (Farmer White’s Best Friend); Colorado Limerick of the Damned (Bristol).
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce: big duck, pie, Chipotle, Baylen’s tics 00:58:30 GREELEY TIMES 01:18:00 DAVE GOES FURTHER IN w/ Joyce: rest-stop frogs 01:28:00 STORYTIME: Farmer White’s Best Friend 01:41:00 BUNION WATCH: Pringles! 01:46:30 DAVE’S BIG DICTIONARY: stratagem 01:58:30 DAVE GOES OFF: The Trumpet of the Swan 02:11:30 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #191: Mahmoud Khalil 02:20:00 Friends of the Daverhood 02:29:30 COLORADO LIMERICK OF THE DAMNED: Bristol, CO 02:33:30 DAVE GOES OUT
Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #192 (3/15/2025): MAHMOUD KHALIL
This Rabbinical Reflection first aired March 15, 2025 the Dave’s Gone By video podcast.
Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflections are heard on the long-running Dave’s Gone By radio/video podcast program (davesgoneby.com) and then archived as text and audio on the Rebbe’s blog, Shalomdammit.com, where a transcript of this Reflection may be read.
Rabbi Sol is also the creator of the stage show, “Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon,” which played in NYC in Nov. 2011 and Aug. 2012.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More on Rabbi Sol: shalomdammit.com
TRANSCRIPT:
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for mid-March 2025.
Let me tell you about a man who’s having all sorts of trouble…because he made all sorts of trouble. It’s a fella named Mahmoud Khalil, a foreign-born graduate of Columbia University now facing deportation even though he has a green card. Why would he be taken from his home, without arrest, and threatened with expulsion from this great country? Why would our power-mad president focus on this individual and make an example of him, even though he has seemingly committed no crime?
I’ll tell you why. Because this Khalil snake, that the left wing—including Jews — have embraced to the point of calling him chummily by his first name, Mahmoud, like he’s their innocent little brother, this Khalil got himself involved in protests at Columbia that did break laws, that did threaten people, that knowingly disrupted access to college life on campus.
Understand something about this Khalil character — one reason he’s here is because when he was a kid, his family to had escape their homeland of Syria. Yes, Israel is such a violent and terrible oppressor of the Arab world; meanwhile, 580 million harmonious, Koran-loving Syrians slaughtered each other in their own Civil War. Where were all the campus protests about that little party, I wonder?
Anyhoo, Khalil comes to the US on a student visa and starts working on his master’s degree, yet somehow he has time to get involved in all these anti-Israel demonstrations. In fact, he was suspended from Columbia when police swooped down on one of the protests that occupied and vandalized buildings. Khalil says he was just there to negotiate between the students and the admins, but why was he tangled up with these yahoos in the first place?
Which goes to why this is more than just a case of a harmless imbecile engaging in free speech. Or even hateful speech. Khalil can rant all he wants about Zionist oppression and Israeli “apartheid,” but if you are leading a group that creates unsafe conditions and then refuses to pack up its tents and go when the police say, “pack up your tents and go,” your green card hits a red light.
Khalil says he spent the last two years deliberately threading the needle—not getting too close to the lawbreaking, not spending his nights on the lawns or blocking pathways to school buildings. How prudent of him. And yet, despite keeping one foot on the sidelines, he still provided aid and comfort to our lawbreaking enemies. So you Jews who are defending this piece of rancid hummus in the name of free speech, wake up. The Khalil case is about unlawful assembly, intimidation, and destruction of property. It’s just icing on the cake that he supports virulent anti-Israel rhetoric from radicals who champion a race of people who frequently cut off heads in the name of religion—the religion of peace, no less.
So grant Mahmoud Kha-loser his due process. Give him a fair trial and allow him to plead his case: “Your honor, I’m a social justice warrior whose weapon is merely words. If I say `Israel should be pushed into the sea and all the Jews drowned with it,’ well, who’m I really harming? So please let me stay in America so I can raise my son” [yes, Khalil’s wife is eight months pregnant and ready to spawn] “so I can raise my son to despise the Yids as much as I do. God bless America. Hartley Hall Akbar.”
Should Mahmoud Khalil legally prove himself, fair enough, he stays. And he can wish Israel all the injury he pleases. But free speech works both ways. I can wish him a thousand kinds of cancer, and pray for his baby son to be torn to pieces and devoured by raccoons, who then defecate the baby’s remains into a felafel that Mahmoud and his wife are forced to eat at gunpoint. Before they’re shot anyway.
What? Offensive? Hate speech? But…but…it’s just words. Sure hope they don’t deport me from Great Neck back to…Brooklyn. This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #191 (2/8/2025): GAZALAND?
This Rabbinical Reflection first aired Feb. 8, 2025 the Dave’s Gone By video podcast.
Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflections are heard on the long-running Dave’s Gone By radio/video podcast program (davesgoneby.com) and then archived as text and audio on the Rebbe’s blog, Shalomdammit.com, where a transcript of this Reflection may be read.
Rabbi Sol is also the creator of the stage show, “Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon,” which played in NYC in Nov. 2011 and Aug. 2012.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More on Rabbi Sol: shalomdammit.com
TRANSCRIPT:
Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #191 (2/8/2025): GAZALAND?
airs Feb. 8, 2025 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip:
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for mid-February 2025.
I hate to say “I told you so.”
No, I love to say “I told you so.” I TOLD YOU SO! For 25 years I’ve been ranting about what to do with unfriendly Arabs living in Israel. Time and again you’ve heard me holler that if the Palestinians can’t accept Israel as a Jewish state, and if they can’t live in peace with their Semitic cousins, get them gone. Let their neighbors—in 22 Arab countries and 54 African countries—take them, assimilate them, give them 40 acres and a camel. Leave tiny Israel for the Jews because unlike Jews, Muslims can live almost anywhere else. But no, Palestinians wanted right of return and demanded their chunk of Israel’s sliver. That is, when they weren’t calling for the destruction of Yisroel altogether.
After years of terrorist attacks around the world, not to mention 9/11—which I just mentioned—the Mohammedans still rejected brotherhood. Instead, they gave mass murder one more go. On October 7, 2023, Hamas attacked an Israeli music festival and slaughtered 1200 innocent people. Hamas thought the world would go “tsk tsk” for a few days, and then be on their side.
Which is exactly what happened. Left-wing politicians clutched their pearls over over Israel’s so-called “occupation” of its own land. Every major city saw “Free Gaza” and “Stop the Genocide!” spray painted on sidewalks by morons who I’ll bet couldn’t spell “sidewalk.” And speaking of imbeciles, college students obstructed traffic and made their tuition-paying parents cringe to see tent cities, wanton vandalism, and anti-Semitism masquerading as altruism. The media ate it all up.
But then a funny thing happened. America’s wobbly, slightly demented president couldn’t stumble through the election-day finish line, and his middling replacement lost both the popular and electoral vote. Unlikely as it was, on January 20th, America’s previous, very demented president came back into office and began setting off policy time bombs from day one.
Some of Trump’s ideas are crazy, some unworkable, some brilliant, and one is my dream come true. After 15 months of Israel rightfully turning Gaza into Hiroshigaza, the place is unlivable. But just like Japan in 1945, New Orleans after Katrina, and Pacific Palisades as we speak, you can always rebuild. So President Trump says, “Hey, instead of 80 years of conflict, let’s have nobody occupy that shithole for a while. America steps in, contractors get to work, and instead of tenements, bombs, and sand, we’ll have hotels, high-end shopping, casinos, Starbucks, and TD Banks.” American ingenuity and dollars could turn Gaza into a `Middle-Eastern Riviera’—that is the President’s own phrase.
Of course the Democrats pilloried him; of course the terrorist apologists saw it as manifest destiny and nation building all over again. But I don’t hear Netanyahu complaining. And for all the two-state-solutionists who wanted an “international city” that the two countries wouldn’t fight over…isn’t this it?
What if Trump convinces Disney to put a Disneyworld there? Well, it would suck, because it’s Disneyworld, but it’s a start. What if the mafiosos from Vegas built another Luxor in a place where the pyramid theme would actually make sense? What if Chik-fil-A’s built fifty Chickpea Felafels, just to be culturally sensitive?
Mock our president’s bombast all you wish, but nothing else has worked in the region. We’ve tried diplomacy, we’ve tried self-rule, God knows we’ve tried war; why not try balls-out, last-one-to-the-money-trough-is-a-rotten-egg capitalism? Envision a day a decade from now, when Israelis, bored by the Wailing Wall, Egyptians, weary of the Sphinx, Saudi Arabians wanting a Mecca break, Emirati, who are just so done with Dubai—all of them think, “Hey, honey. Let’s take a long weekend in Gazawood. You book the spa, I’ll hit the links, and then we’ll catch Willie Nelson at Madison Square Gazarden!” Israel would be protected, Palestinians would have homes and jobs, and Paramount would have a cheap place to shoot new episodes of Yellowstone. Except, of course, that Gaza wouldn’t look like Yellowstone anymore; it’d be closer to the Yellow Brick Road. I say, Follow!
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #188 (6/22/2024): The New Aristocrats Joke
airs June 22, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By.
Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for late June 2024.
Just like new plots for movies, there’s really no such thing as a “new” joke, just old jokes packaged in a different way. For example: Why did the fireman wear red suspenders? Because he was shopping at Kohl’s, and it was all they had — plus it was on clearance. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he heard all these people telling jokes about him and he got curious.
Old Manischewitz: new bottles. So here’s a naughty little joke called “The Aristocrats” that’s been around for decades. Gilbert Gottfried made it famous, and they even did a documentary about it. But I doubt you’ve heard my version.
A guy goes into a talent agent’s office, and he says, “Buddy, have I got an act for you!”
And the agent says, “Don’t waste your time. Novelty is dead. Nobody watches “Got Talent” anymore. I’m sorry, but — ”
“No, no, no,” says the guy. “This is huge. My family, my friends, strangers — it’s spectacular!”
“You’re wasting your time,” says the agent. “I’m not interested.”
“You will be!” says the guy. “Just gimme a chance. Please!”
The agent sighs and says, “All right, fine. Show me what you got.”
“Thank you!” says the guy. “It’s incredible, I promise!”
So the guy claps his hands, and shouts, “Allahu Akbar.” Suddenly thousands of Arabs appear. He blows a whistle, and the Arabs start attacking Israel. They’re firing rockets, they’re launching missiles, they’re hurling bombs and grenades.
Meanwhile, one group of Arabs go to an Israeli kibbutz where they’re having a music festival. And the Arabs start mowing down Jews with machine guns and rifles. They’re killing women, they’re hacking up children, dogs, pets, birds. And they’re shooting the men and then defiling the corpses and cutting off heads and pissing down the necks. Another group is taking hostages. And they’re torturing them, punching and kicking and stabbing and dragging and frogmarching them into tunnels.
And the women hostages are getting raped. Oh, they’re fucking these women with gun barrels and fists and korans. And they’re fucking the child hostages, too. They’re using dead kids as dildos to ass-fuck the live ones. So there’s blood and cum and baby teeth spraying every which way.
Meanwhile, the living hostages are dragged into daycares and hospitals and elementary schools, where the hidden Arabs are firing rockets and explosives to kill more Jews. This while thousands of other Arabs are butchering and killing and shitting on synagogues and smearing themselves with IDF soldier blood.
“But wait, there’s more!” says the guy to the talent agent. “That’s when all these college students come out and they run on campus with tents and banners and costumes. And they’re all screaming, `Death to Israel’ and `Free Gaza’ and `Stop the Palestinian Genocide’ while dancing around and crying and fucking each other even though they haven’t bathed in a month. And some of them break into hundred-year-old buildings and smash windows, trash furniture, crap on books. And then campus presidents come over, and they just watch. They don’t do anything; they just stand there like a 19th century French tableaux.”
But meanwhile the hostages are still dying in the tunnels, the Arabs are slaughtering every Jew in sight, the students are blocking highways, vandalizing Jewish homes, and jumping on subways to threaten anyone who looks like a kike. That’s when all these other countries around the world come in and start sanctioning Israel and banning Israelis from having passports. And the left-wing media applauds this and weeps for the refugees whose vote for a terrorist government started all this shit in the first place.
And meanwhile the terrorists murder and torture and rape and kill and kill and kill and kill in a ritual orgy of sadism, savagery, and Islamic frenzy.
With that, the guy in the office blows his whistle and says, “Well, what do you think?”
The talent agent sits for a minute and finally says, “Wow, that’s quite an act. By the way, what do you call yourselves?”
The college students all start cheering as the guy straightens himself up, Jewish blood still dripping from his sleeves, and says, “Hamas!”
Funny joke, ha? This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #186 (6/8/2024): Maldives n’ Mexico
airs June 8, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube video:
I am mmmmarveling at the news this week involving two countries with mmmmarkedly different responses to the mmmmadness in the Mmmmiddle East. I am talking about the Maldives and Mexico. One of them is meretricious, the other marvelous.
So as the patient says to the doctor: “Bad news first.” The Maldives. It even has “mal,” a prefix meaning “bad,” in its own name. What are the Maldives? They’re a teeny Republic in South Asia, about 115 square miles of land with the rest in the Indian Ocean. And considering all the things Indians do in the ocean, it’s best not to drink the water. Or visit the Maldives.
Not that you could visit the Maldives right now if you were an Israeli. President Mohamed Muizzu — who belongs in a zoo — has banned anyone with an Israeli passport from entering the country, this in response to the war in Gaza. Why any Jew would visit this place in the first place is a puzzlement. Maldives is a country so Muslim that the practice of any other religion is forbidden by law. This is also a land that not only prohibits homosexuality but reprimands anybody kissing or even holding hands in public. So, basically, if you wonder what the Bahamas or Aruba would be like if they took away the fun and relaxation and replaced it with totalitarian jihad, you’ve got the Maldives.
In 2023 about 5,000 Jews visited the various Maldive islands. Maybe they were Orthodox and appreciated the modest-clothing rules and pork-free eating. Maybe they just wanted to watch other Semites inflict suffering on themselves for once instead of being tormented by others. Even prior to this ban, only 500 Yids Maldived themselves this year, and one hopes that goyim, in solidarity with Israel, will put Maldives on their “fuck-it” list. But hey, there’s sand and palm trees and, thanks to climate change, more and more and more water. It’s an Arcadia—and a perfect spot to relocate a few thousand displaced Palestinians! What? Dr. Muizzu? Not returning their calls? Well, at least you support them in theory.
But what gives me joy in reality is the result of a Presidential election held this week in Mexico. Replacing current honcho Andrés Manuel López Obrador is someone with a shorter name, thank God, but also a highly promising name. Winning a landslide victory is Mexico’s first female leader and first Jewish leader: Claudia Sheinbaum! I’m not kidding — Claudia Sheinbaum! Her heritage is a mix of Ashkenazic Lithuanian and Sephardic Bulgarian, and she’s a scientist with a PhD—a Jewish doctor will be running Mexico!
They should get her to deal with climate change in the Maldives because she’s an expert—she was part of a Nobel Prize-winning UN think tank on the topic—and she’s pro-choice, pro LGBT, big on mass transit and bicycle paths—yeah, she’s kind of a lefty. And a landsman.
The cheeriest aspect of this political event is that despite Jews being despised seemingly everywhere in the world, Mexicans looked beyond that and picked a Shein-a maidel! She was the outgoing president’s choice, and because the peso has been in decent shape, and because the drug cartels have been killing only every third tourist, voters are giving Sheiny the sheeny a shot.
Please let us support her by purchasing all things Mexican: jumping beans, refried beans, bootleg t-shirts of Mr. Bean. Also, spend your vacation dollars South of the Border. And I don’t mean getting a pubic wax, I mean Guadalajara, Cancun, Oaxaca, Acapulco, and lest we forget, charming Ciudad Nezahualcóyotl.
Oh, my friends, we are forever asking: Is it good for the Jews? If Judaism has taught us anything, it’s that things can change in a blink. But right now: viva México! And Maldives? ¡Vete a la mierda!
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. ¡Arriba!
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #184 (4/27/2024): A Passover Prayer
airs April 27, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube video:
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for these last few days of Passover 2024.
A zissen Pesach my friends, and I hope you are having a fun holiday, with maximal contemplation and minimal constipation. Actually, this year is less likely to afflictus with intestinal binding than gastric reflux: we want to throw up at everything around us.
That’s why I’ve written this little prayer that you can append to your Haggadahs this Passover. It’s an appeal to God to get off his lazy tuchas and help us, just as he did in Egypt. He doesn’t have to show himself as a burning bush; he could set Ilhan Omar’s public hair on fire: same thing.
Anyway, here is a Prayer for late Pesach:
Blessed art thou, Oh Lord, our God. King of the Universe. (Or Queen, He can be gender-ridiculous). Blessed be He who sanctifies us with a holiday that deprives us of bread yet consoles us with Joyva Ring Jells; where we are scourged by horse radish, soothed by charoses, and confused by putting them together; and where we learn morality by letting a child hide the Afikoman and then rewarding him for thievery and blackmail.
Dear God, in these times of woe, when the land of Israel rages and Jew-haters have slithered from their cages, we implore thee to restore righteousness in the world. To vanquish our foes, as you did the Amalekites and the Canaanites, and sometimes the Monday nites. Oh Lord, protect the tiny nation of Eretz Yisroel and smite our enemies. For example:
May Hamas fighters see their tunnels turn to caskets, their caskets turned to dust, and their dust hoovered up by your ugliest cleaning lady.
May you lift the Palestinians up, up, up out of Israel and deposit them in a galaxy far, far away. Or at least Kuwait.
May Iraq get so fed up with Iran for being only one letter different, that the two blow each other to bits, which will be especially amusing to Jews named “Ira.”
May the United Nations vote to sanction itself out of existence and have to relinquish its New York headquarters to a Judaica superstore.
May every Western woman who supports the Arab world actually have to live, as a woman, in the Arab world.
May the marching students of Columbia and New York Universities be boiled in acid and then, ironically, fail their chemistry exams.
May the idiots posting anti-Zionist misinformation on TikTok be forced to use Dos dial-up just to get WiFi.
May the members of “Queers for Palestine” be bent over and their assholes stuffed with razor wire. And AIDS.
May every troglodyte who scrawls “Death to Israel” in graffiti on a public edifice be given a 1972 station wagon and forced to circle the building eternally looking for parking.
May every Arab who danced a jig on October 7th have their legs hacked off and fed to starving woodchucks, and may those marmots come back while the cripples are sleeping and vomit in their mouths.
May every Jew who betrays Israel in favor of “Palestine” be forced to eat matzoh made of ground glass and soaked in rat poison. In thy mercy.
And may whoever becomes President of the United States live four more years — and that’s a stretch right there — to see Israel triumph, her children multiply, her enemies divide and die, and her friends figure out a way to make even a bacon cheeseburger Kosher for Passover.
V’yimeru, Amen.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection to start the new year. A week or so after the new year.
What better way to get 2024 rolling than to have you, my beloved acolytes, rolling in the aisles with hilarious punch lines? I will share with you some Jewish jokes — brand new! written by yours truly! Or, if you hate them, written by Jo Koy.
Please note that if you are politically correct or take offense easily, these jokes are not for you. Then again, what jokes are?
Joke number one: Two Arabs are shopping for prayer rugs at a giant bazaar in Jerusalem. A little Jewish shop owner comes out and says, “Please! We have the best rugs! You must see!”
The Arabs are skeptical — what does this Jewish merchant know about prayer mats? — but they say, “Sure. What’ve you got?”
The salesman rolls out two small rugs and says, “My brother and I, we don’t sell any old schmattes like the others places. These are magical flying carpets.”
“Oh, come on,” the Arabs say.
“No, please! These were woven by the purest virgins and blessed by the highest Imams in all of Turkey and Iran. Sit!”
So the first Arab kneels on the carpet and waits. And waits. He says, “It’s nice, but it’s not flying.”
“Oh,” says the Jew. “That’s because you haven’t said the secret words. You have to think really hard of a phrase that has meaning to you. Whisper those words into the carpet. Then, when you’re ready, shout the phrase as loud as you can, and you will take flight!”
The Arab rolls his eyes. But then he shrugs, thinks a moment, leans forward, and whispers into the fringes of the rug.
“Get in position!,” calls the merchant. “And scream it out!”
The Arab takes hold and yells, “Free Palestine!” Suddenly, a big wind starts up, and the carpet rises off the ground, two feet, three feet, ten feet in the air. “This is incredible!” says the Arab. “Ahmed, you have to try it!”
His friend gets on the other carpet, whispers to it, then sits up and yells, “Death to Israel!” Another wind gust comes, and his carpet goes five feet, ten feet, fifteen feet high.
“How do I go up like him?” says the first Arab.
“You can both go much higher,” calls the Israeli. “You just have to close your eyes, concentrate, and keep shouting your secret words over and over.”
“Race you to the sky!” says Ahmed, as both Arabs close their eyes, think real hard, and start screaming, “Free Palestine!” “Death to Israel!” “Free Palestine!” “Death to Israel!” Both carpets go higher and higher: 30 feet, 50 feet, 70 feet off the ground.
The shop owner’s brother comes out from behind the counter and says, “Shmuley, should I do it now?”
“Nah,” says Shmuley. “Wait till they’re 100 feet up. Then turn off the blowers.”
Now, what do we learn from this joke? Well, first of all, if a person wants to believe something strongly enough, he or she or they will put aside rational judgment and go with it. This not only explains religion, and how we all worship to fairy stories written thousands of years ago, but it’s the reason we leave the house without an umbrella, even after the weatherman’s warned us: 60 percent chance of rain. We think: “It’s not gonna rain the ten minutes I’m outside.” It will, it does, you’re soaked.
Next joke: an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Palestinian all die and find themselves at the gates of hell. The Englishman peeks in for a moment and says, “Well, it seems rather unpleasant, but so long as I can have my afternoon tea and spend the evening watching telly, I should get by all right.”
The Frenchman opens the gate of hell, wanders around a bit, then storms back, saying, “Mon dieu! Zis is an outrage! Ze heat, ze hard work! Soon as I can, I am starting ze labor union and everyone goes on strike!”
Finally, it’s the Palestinian’s turn. He takes a deep breath, throws open the gates, stomps in, and marches straight up to the devil. Then he says, “Honey, I’m home!”
This joke does not play well on college campuses, but then again, I do not play well on college campuses. They see me as a brutal colonizer, which is unfair. I’ve had many brutal colonics, but that’s not what they mean.
Anyway, these are difficult and ridiculous times for Jews everywhere. Our enemies surround us, sometimes they are us, and many are so naive they think they’re helping us by helping our enemies. As I said: ridiculous times. The best way to muddle through is to laugh — sometimes through gritted teeth.
Hey, how many Hamas militants can you stuff into an open grave?
I don’t know, but I sure hope we find out.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #180 (12/31/2023): 2023 Farewell
airs Dec. 31, 2023 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip:
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the end of the year, 2023.
What a joyful and encouraging year it’s been, hah? A terrific celebration of peace and love and reason and decency. And if you believe that, you must not have the internet. Or any access to the outside world, which has been steeped in anxiety and hatred — mostly, with good reason!
COVID is still here. Remember COVID? The virus that killed a zillion old people and is now a common cold? Only it’s so common, everyone’s still getting it! Almost four years after the disease erupted, many of us are still wearing masks everywhere. Granted, some people are such meeskeits a mask is an improvement—a public service even—but still! How many variants can one illness have? Someday, they’re gonna be able to trace all the way back, and they’ll learn that COVID is just another strain of Caveman Breathing Disorder.
And speaking of cavemen, Donald Trump is running for President again. Look, he wasn’t a bad POTUS; he was great for Israel and the economy. But he’s also old. And nuts. That’s a combination you put in Assisted Living, not the Oval Office. Meanwhile, Trump’s opponent is Joe Biden, who’s so old, when he got his driver’s license, he just had to learn two words: “giddyup” and “whoa.” I did not make that joke up, but I also couldn’t make up that the combined age of the two presumed 2024 candidates is 158. I know age brings wisdom and experience, but it also brings senility and special underpants. Ronald Reagan was a powerhouse in his first four years, but the last two he fumbled more than the New York Jets o-line.
Meanwhile, Trump might not even be allowed to run because State Supreme Courts, like the one in Colorado, are holding him accountable for the Capitol insurrection. He hasn’t been convicted of that, by the way. Oh, sure, he’ll get convicted of fraud and sexual harassment, but by gosh, the treason thing is still a mere accusation. As such, I think the Denver judges got ahead of themselves and hijacked an election decision that should be made by the voters, not the courts. Remember: the last time judges got involved in politics, they installed George W. Bush as commander in chief, which was like putting Rose from The Golden Girls in charge of NASA.
So if Trump doesn’t run or can’t run, we might get Ron DeSantis, who’s slightly to the right of Mussolini and thinks gay people should be, you know, ungay. Or there’s Nikki Haley, who, like DeSantis, is pro-Israel but also believes fetuses are viable at the sperm stage. So… as ever, our choice for the highest office in the land will come down to least worst. I’d rather have knoblewurst.
Meanwhile in 2023, the Dow Jones set new highs, but so did global temperatures, housing prices, gas prices, and groceries. By the end of the year, inflation improved, which is just a euphemism for prices still rising, only less quickly. And the national debt is now $33 trillion. I mean, can’t we just ask Taylor Swift, as a favor, to pay it off?
Nearing its second year is the Ukraine War, a fierce battle between Russia and…more Russians. Ukraine’s president keeps thanking us for all our money and weapons, but no: thank you, Vlodymyr Zelenskyy for keeping our military industrial complex chugging along. Maybe you can also beg for a bunch of Chevys and Toyotas and help us bring Detroit back. As for Russia-Russia, we all thought Vladimir Putin would be dead by now. Instead, he’s just deathly: pale and shaky with purple streaks on the tops of his hands. The CIA speculates those are either intravenous marks or he’s been fisting the California raisins.
Speaking of good taste, the Hollywood studios finally came to their senses and settled with the Writers Guild. They realized that having Artificial Intelligence write boring screenplays with lame dialogue, cliched plots, and obvious themes was no substitute for having real writers churn out scripts with lame dialogue, incoherent plots, and woke propaganda. The only movies that weren’t bombs were Oppenheimer, about a bomb, and Barbie, about a bombshell.
But, hey, where’s the A-bomb when you need it? On October 7th, Hamas fired hundreds of rockets from Gaza into mainland Israel. Arab gunmen also stormed an Israeli music festival where they massacred 300 attendees, tortured others, and took hostages. They also raped a bunch women, many of whom were later found dead. It’s unclear whether the women were violated before or after they were killed because, let’s face it, Muslim terrorists aren’t the pickiest bunch when it comes to pussy. They see a woman with an uncovered thumb, they’re like, “What a whore!”
When the first wave of horror was over, 1400 Israelis lay dead. I have no jokes for that: 1400 slaughtered in a day by the same batch of people who have poisoned the world for 70 years with their fundamentalism, despotism, and terrorism.
And so, a day later, Bibi Netanyahu says to the Palestinians in Gaza, “Pack your shit. Your have 24 hours. Get the fuck out.” And the world, which had spent 10 whole seconds commiserating with Israel in grief and mourning, said, “You can’t do that. You’ll cause a humanitarian crisis!” And Israel said, “Just maybe-perhaps-possibly Hamas should have thought of that before their ambush.”
Israel commenced revenge immediately, although Netanyahu did allow Palestinians more than a week to take their camel caravans and find another country to despoil. But was that enough for the UN? Was that sufficient for world opinion? Of course not! When an errant Arab bomb fell on a Gaza hospital, who got blamed? Who’dya think? Meanwhile, Hamas fighters are using hospitals and schools as their command posts. They know that if Israel attacks, liberals weep; and if Israel doesn’t attack, Jews die.Win-win. Well, you know what, OXFAM, and World Health, and Red Cross, and Doctors Without Brains? Sometimes Jews have to kill the people who make them die.
But do college kids understand that? These Ivy League-bush-league, moss-covered troglodytes who glom onto any cause as long as it makes them feel like they’re saving the world from their parents’ mistakes? While they live in their parents’ basements? Like toadstools blossoming out of excrement, pro-Palestinian protests are everywhere, stopping traffic, blocking libraries, frustrating commuters, and doing nothing except proving just how many anti-Semites there really are. “Oh, but we don’t hate Jews,” say Ilhan, and Rashida, and Alexandria, and Susan, and Roger, and, oh—in for a penny—Ice Cube and Kanye. “We just hate colonialist Israel”—forgetting that Hebrews have lived in Israel since forever, and that Jews ask for no other safe place in the universe apart from this tiny country.
In my stage show, Shalom, Dammit!, I made a joke about Jews for Jesus, saying that the term is an oxymoron, like Vegetarians for Brisket. Believe it or not, something even more incomprehensible has emerged: Queers For Palestine. I am not kidding: Queers For Palestine. These are a passel of LGB-D-Bags promoting the very people who would cut their schvantzes off for being who they are. You know, earlier this year, Out Traveler magazine picked the 15 best cities in the world for gay people. Coming in 8th, two slots ahead of Miami: Tel Aviv. You know how many other places in the Middle East made the list? (makes a zero with his fingers) If the list was the best 200, you know how many Middle Eastern cities would be on it? A handful—and they’d be in Israel, too.
And yet, Queers for Palestine. How can these foolish freaks have their heads so far up their own tucheses? Well, they’ve likely been trying that as a sex technique. But seriously, what’s next for them? Faggots for AIDS? In their case, I’d donate. And I wish AIDS, leprosy, and spina bifida on anyone who chants “From the River to the Sea: Palestine Will Be Free.” No way! “From the Sea to the River, IDF Will Make Hamas Quiver.” “From the Sand to Mud, Gaza Will Run with Terrorist Blood.” “From Jerusalem to Miami, We Will Slice our Enemies Like Pastrami.”
Okay. Enough rage. Now it’s time for sadness. As I often do with these annum-end reflections, I’d like to honor, poetically, some of the notables who did not make it out of 2023 alive.
We start with Norman Lear, of All in the Family and Maude.
And Richard Roundtree, who’s now giving the Shaft to God.
To Tina Turner we said goodbye
Her talent was river deep and mountain high
Farewell Tony Bennett, who left his heart in San Fran
and cartoonist Al Jaffee, who was a true Mad man
Ted Kaczynski died, and he was the bomb
Henry Kissinger gave us the director’s cut of Vietnam
As First Ladies go, Roz Carter seemed nice
And, sadly, Bob Barker has barked his last price
We lost Tim McCarver, so pleasant and plucky
and David McCallum, from UNCLE, our Ducky.
We lost Michael Gambon—Glenda Jackson, too
And Rolf Harris tied down his last kangaroo
Farewell Alan Arkin, of movies and theater
Bye Raquel Welch and Suzanne Somers — both jiggling for St. Peter
We toast Shane MacGowan with joy and affection
And director Bill Friedkin, who made a Connection
Jimmy Buffet’s margaritas became a huge trend
while booze and drugs took Matthew Perry, our Friend
We lost Pat Robertson, who thought he was holy
and Dame Edna tossed her last gladioli
Andre Braugher and Lance Reddick were marvelous cops
Richard Belzer was dean of the microphone drops
Farewell to Jeff Beck. Bye bye Tom Verlaine
No more will Burt Bacharach write about rain
The princely Treat Williams is now in an urn
Farewell Cindy Williams, who’s up with Laverne
Sandra Day O’Connor has judged her last case
While Sinead O’Connor has reached a better place
We lost Adam Rich of “Eight is Enough”
and Marty Krofft, panjandrum of “H.R. Puffnstuff”
Gordon Lightfoot made his way down with the sun
and farewell to Tom Jones — no, the off-Broadway one
Bon voyage Belafonte, a King among men
And ciao, David Crosby, the C of SN.
Robbie Robertson’s up with the Hawks in a Band
And let’s all give Pee Wee Herman a hand
We mourn Jerry Springer who sent chairs flying
And all the good people who are sick, dead, or dying.
But enough lamentation! I don’t want to bore
Let’s pray for survival in 2024.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Happy Jew Year.
click above to watch the episodeclick above to listen to the episode (audio only)
Here is the 808th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired live on Facebook, Saturday morning, July 24, 2021. Info: Davesgoneby.com.
Guests: actresses Lillias White and Vicki Quade; theater critics Leslie (Hoban) Blake & David Sheward.
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews actress Lillias White; Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection (Ben & Jerry’s); Colorado Limerick of the Damned (Hoehne); Greeley Crimes & Old Times
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce (hotspot) 00:30:30 TODAY/YESTERDAY Trivia Quiz (July 24 w/ David Sheward, Leslie (Hoban) Blake, Vicki Quade) 01:50:00 GREELEY CRIMES & OLD TIMES 02:17:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Lillias White 02:51:30 Friends of the Daverhood 03:00:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #170 (Ben & Jerry’s) 03:08:30 COLORADO LIMERICK OF THE DAMNED (Hoehne) 03:11:00 DAVE GOES OUT
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Here is the 758th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired live on Facebook, Saturday morning, Aug. 8, 2020. Info: Davesgoneby.com.
Featuring: Dave chats with his cousins, Jeffrey Kirsch & Cynthia Shub Kirsch; Greeley Crimes & Old Times; Rabbi Sol Reads the Papers; Colorado Limerick of the Damned (Dinosaur); Wretched Pun of Destiny (Arab); Today/Yesterday (Aug. 8); Inside Broadway.
00:01:00 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce (Isaias, Covid, Eric for Ellen?, Rolling Stones, Ren & Stimpy, the ants’ revenge, toothbrush time) 01:07:00 GREELEY CRIMES & OLD TIMES 01:28:30 GUESTS: Jeffrey Kirsch & Cynthia Kirsch Shub 02:07:00 TODAY/YESTERDAY (Aug. 8) 02:42:00 RABBI SOL READS THE PAPERS 02:59:30 INSIDE BROADWAY 03:16:00 WRETCHED PUN OF DESTINY #79 (Arab) 03:19:00 Friends of the Daverhood 03:26:30 COLORADO LIMERICK OF THE DAMNED (Dinosaur) 03:29:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Aug. 1, 2020 Playlist: “Over the Rainbow, Version 2” (Shooby Taylor).