Dave unearths a patriotic war song from the not-so-good-old days.
Segment originally aired May 3, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL
Oh, Americans crave a tranquil life
We just want to live in peace
But the planet gives us war and strife
And it does not seem to cease
So we send our soldiers overseas
To protect our global plan
To bring our enemies to their knees
We’ll fight to the very last man.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dan.
If Saddam Hussein wants to bitch and complain
And to hide his poison gas
We’ll bomb his fields
And shall not yield
Till we kick some towelhead ass.
After that, look out Afghanistan
`Cause we’re coming back for more
For we bombed a slew of civilians there
No one cares if we kill a few more.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dor.
All this fear and fright from the Yemenites
Is a game we will not play
We will torture and kill each terrorist –
Where the hell is Yemen anyway?
And if Saudi Arabia doesn’t toe the line
We can bomb their palaces, too
And we’ll pick that Black Hawk up again
From the streets of Mogadishu.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye doo.
To fight fundamentalists in Iran
We must aid and strengthen the Kurds
Disembowel the Sikhs
Those heathen freaks
By dropping bombs like turds
Oh, the Hindus and the Pakis, too,
They will dance to Yankee jigs
For the only way to keep Indians free
Is to treat them just like nigs
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye digs.
We shall go to Northern Ireland
To remove hostility
We’ll hide strychnine in the Catholics’ ale
Cyanide in the Protestants’ tea
If the Russkies dare to pollute our air
With threats of nuclear attack
We will give those worms
Some smallpox germs
And the Chechen rebels, anthrax
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dax.
If the Chinese hun won’t leave Taiwan
We shall push them under the waves
We shall strafe them all by the Beijing wall
Put fortune cookies on their graves
We shall visit North Korea next
And we’ll blast those gooks to hell
Maybe this time we can push them back
To the 35th Parallel.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dell.
We will stand in the sand of Palestine
Show the Yids who’s really boss
Blow the head off any Arab kid
With a stone he’s planning to toss
Oh, the Ivory Coast will soon be toast
When we force Gbagbo to retrench
We will give all the rebels Pepsi and Coke
Just to thumb our nose at the French
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.
When I see those hateful pacifist
How I loathe to see them whine
For they do not know how urgent it is
To protect the bottom line
So if some young soldiers have to die
For the good old USA
Let them blow our enemies to the sky
For that’s the American way.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-hooray.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.
©2003 David Lefkowitz