Tag: comedy

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #174 – Poems for Valentine’s Day

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a special poetical Rabbinical Reflection for Gingold Theatrical Group’s Virtual Open Mic Night on this Valentine’s Day, 2022. 

You know, poetry is central to the Jewish people, from biblical psalms to Leonard Nimoy’s “Warmed by Love.” Since poetry expresses love, I wish to share with you some classic Jewish poems of romance and arousal. For example, Rabbi Tseitlin of Detroit gave us this most appetizing sonnet: 

Shall I compare thee to a hot knish?
Thou art more tasty and much cuter
With boobs as plump as gefilte fish
And scrumptious nipples on each hooter.

A knish is square, but thou do curve
With far more spice than hot pastrami
Thy sexiness makes me a perv
When thou dost swallow my salami

Thou art chicken soup for my soul
and matzoh farfel for my heart
Your kugel makes me lose control
In a good way — not like when I shart

So long as Jews can shlep and kvetch and daven
I eat you up and give you all my lovin’.

Is it any wonder Rabbi Tseitlin has restraining orders in twelve different Michigan counties? 

Let us consider this poem from the great Rabbi Vogel of Omsk: 

Roses are red, violets are thrilling me
I love you so much,
but my prostate is killing me.

Inspired by Rabbi Vogel, I, too, have written short verse, many in the haiku form. For example, this Chanukah-ku: 

Dreidels made of clay.
When they’re dry, it’s time to play.
Women? The reverse.

Of course, not all poems about love are so refined. For an earthier exploration of desire, we turn to Rebbetzin Meyrowitz, widow of the great Estonian Rabbi, Leroy. Here’s a gem from her shocking blue period, shocking because it was her first period since her thirties. 

There was a young girl from Tiberias
whose horniness made her delirious 
They found her in Gaza
Undressed in a plaza
Her pregnancy ain’t that mysterious

In her latter years, Rebbetzin Meyrowitz became more audacious, disgusting even, as when she wrote: 

In order to brighten his sukkas
Reb Mendelsson hired three hookas
They pulled on his payess
and sat on his fayess
and jammed an etrog in his tukas.

My friends, somewhere in the Torah — I’m not sure where — it says “Love Thy Neighbor.” — not possible. But we can still aspire to love, if only as a poetic ideal. 

My hope for all of you during these times is that you receive love. And when you do, may you have enough money to pay the girl and her pimp.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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