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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #189 (9/24/2024): Hezbollah Jokes

airs Sept. 21, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By.  

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the beginning of autumn, 2024.

Whether secretly, guiltily, worriedly, or flat-out joyously, every Jew is having a big “Who’s Your Daddy?” moment right now. After nearly a year of rooting out the Gaza animals of October 7th while trading fire with the opportunistic vermin of Southern Lebanon, Israel needed a shot in the arm. They got it by giving hundreds of our enemies a pow in the pants!

All these terrorists across Lebanon and Syria had been communicating through pagers—I guess because their mommies wouldn’t let them have cell phones like big-boy psychopaths. Well, those Israeli-made pagers were programmed to detonate, and detonate they did. The Arabs should have known something was up when they opened the box and the first thing they read was, “Para Explotar, Marque el Ocho.”

These paramilitary Islamists suffered hundreds of injuries to faces, eyes, hands, genitals — now they look as grotesque as they behave. And, yes, a couple of civilians and children died. I guess up in heaven they can mingle with all the dead Jews from the music festival. And, yes, we’re all anxious about this new brand of warfare and what method of retribution the Islamists will select. But from the Yom Kippur attack to 9/11 to the Supernova Festival, our nemeses have never displayed a hint of human decency. So, nu, you think this long-deserved punishment will suddenly turn them evil? I say, “Now’s the time to be proactive and invent some poison prayer mats.” 

But I can’t let this fantastic reminder of Mossad ingenuity and Jewish toughness go by without a little more levity. My friends, I bring you jokes: twisted punchlines for my Israeli brethren, who get knocked down but punch right back.

Why are Israeli pagers a bargain?
You get a lot of bang for the buck.

Do the Syrians listen to Spotify?
No, they carry a boom box.

Did Mossad make a list of all their targets?
Yes, and they paged through it. 

What was the most impressive thing Israel pulled off?
They pulled off dicks, lips, fingers…

Did Hezbollah leader Ibrahim Aqil enjoy his time in Beirut?
He had a blast!

Did you know that Aqil had blue eyes?
Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that…

(Okay, that was an old one, but this next one’s mine): 
Why are the Lebanese such fine pool players?
Their balls go straight into the pockets.

At what part relay races do Lebanese men excel?
The hand off.

Why are Syrian generals feeling so lonely?
They lost all their privates.

(I didn’t write this next one, but I have to share it:)
What wireless carrier were the Lebanese using?
A-TNT.

Why was the Mossad attack like Nazis euthanizing the mentally ill?
They made all the nuts disappear.

What Broadway musical just came to Syria?
Maim.

What Italian movie just came to Lebanon?
Blowup.

Why shouldn’t Lebanese men drink?
After they feel a little buzz, they fly to pieces.

What will Syrian men use to avoid Covid?
Wrist sanitizer.

How can you tell when a Lebanese man is gay?
His vibrator goes up his ass.

What do Syrian genitals have in common with an English breakfast?
Bangers and mash.

What do a Lebanese man’s testicles have in common with The Flintstones?
Bam Bam. 

What’s the funniest thing about all these Hezbollahs being killed or disabled?
Everything.

Happy New Year, my friends! This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Time to turn the page!

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