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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #121 (4/5/2015): Passover

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #121 (4/5/2015): Passover

(aired April 5, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27305. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/P5iBQJD75tg)

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 5, 2015.

Friends, are you constipated? I certainly hope so, because that would mean you are eating your matzah, the traditional food of the Passover holiday, which we are in the midst of celebrating as we speak. Well, as I speak; you’re just listening.

But yes, Passover is one of the most important Jewish holidays—certainly the most labor intensive. Other holidays, you cook a meal, you make a blessing, maybe you don’t eat for a day—boom, you’re done. Okay, Sukkos, you have to build a little house, which is a pain in the ass, but you get to use it for a week, and you can make believe it’s a gazebo or a cozy shed. And if you’re too lazy to build, you can always go to the local shul and stay in theirs. Just make sure to use the guest towels.

But Pesach? Oy, what a production. You have to clean the whole house, top to bottom, of every crumb, every last bit of leavened bread. You have to sell everything in your fridge and cupboards to your local Rabbi–because what Rabbi doesn’t want to be responsible for two-week-old meatloaf? You gotta change all your dishes and cutlery, because a fork that touched pizza is somehow satanic for a week. And then, throughout Passover, you can eat only foods that are approved for holiday use. Wheat and beans and whole-grain products are verboten, and everything you reach for has to be certified Kosher L’Pesach. Which means a bottle of ketchup that’s $2 the rest of the year now costs $7.50. Why? Because some mashgiach was there to make sure that no tomato came into contact with a pretzel. HaShem forbid.

It’s a lot of nonsense, of course, but like all religious rituals, the doing of them forces us to remember who we are and the legacy to which we are tied. God doesn’t give a rat’s tushie if we hide the Afikomen or not; but my great, great, great grandfather hid the Afikomen—probably from the Cossacks—and my 21 ½ children will hide the Afikomen from my (god willing) 150 grandchildren. It’s not the activity; it’s the legacy.

Or, on Passover, it’s leprosy. And blood and frogs and boils and murrain and darkness and death of the first born and all the things usually caused by Comcast/Xfinity. We remember the 10 Plagues God visited upon the Egyptians as payback for subjugating the Hebrews. And when Moses visited Pharaoh and told him, “Look, we’re leaving. Can we get a severance check and a few weeks of interim health insurance?”, Pharaoh said no, so God made him suffer. Actually, Pharaoh didn’t say no. I mean, at first he did, when Moses was turning water into blood and making frogs jump out of underwear drawers. Pharaoh saw a bunch of magic tricks and said, “Copperfield does them better.”

But as the plagues turned nastier, Pharaoh was ready to be done with the Jews and let our people go. Until HaShem hardened his heart–I guess with some kind of aortic Viagra–and forced Pharoah to make ruinous choices, essentially robbing the king of Egypt of his free will.

I admit, I’ve always found something unsettling in that story. It’s one thing if Pharaoh is so evil, or so moronic, that he invites torture upon his empire through his own pig-headedness. But the Torah makes it clear that God is pulling the strings. He’s like the schoolyard bully that grabs your fists and makes you sock yourself in the face, all the while saying, “Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?” In the Pesach story, God puts Pharaoh through ten rounds with Mike Tyson, and then a bonus round with Muhammad Ali. The Jews finally hit the road, Pharaoh sends soldiers after them—presumably all second-born sons–and what happens? They all drown. God is nothing if not thorough.

So what do we learn from that gruesome fable? First, that if you mess with the Jews long enough, you get payback of biblical proportions (pun intended). After all, the Hebrews served as Egyptian slaves for generations before the big rescue. Stopping the punishment at flies or even flaming hail just wouldn’t send the same message as mass murder.

The second thing we learn is a rational reason why we spill drops of wine during the Passover seder. The Haggadah explains that even though Pesach is a happy holiday, and we’re delighted to recall the deliverance of Israel from Egypt, we’re not supposed to celebrate a hundred percent. We diminish our wine glass literally and our joy metaphorically, because even though our enemy treated us worse than the worst Jennifer Lopez movie, they are still human beings. They are still God’s children being destroyed.

Personally, I don’t spill a whole lotta wine on Passover—and not just because we have to use the same tablecloth for two nights. I rejoice freely when my enemy falls. When the Navy Seals took out bin Laden, I tore off my clothes and started dancing naked around the house. Which caused some problems because I was outside. But oh boy, did I shake my tailfeather! Miley Cyrus could have studied my tuchas for twerking lessons. And if I’d been alive in 1945 to witness V-E Day, I would have kissed a girl for every German that got a bullet through his eye or a bayonet through his heart. (You could probably call it VD Day…) I still would do this, so if any young girls want to stand in the street and let me kiss them, drop me an email, and I’ll get my sailor suit out of the cleaners.

Don’t get me wrong; I like the idea of being a good sport when my adversary is vanquished, but in reality, the misery and death of my enemies gives me less pause than a skip on my CD player. (For those of you under 30 who don’t know what that is, a CD player is like Spotify on a pancake.)

Anyhoo, my point in all this is however you celebrate Passover—if you follow all the rules, some of the rules, or if you serve bacon croissants during the Seder—and however you feel about Passover—whether you’re there just for family or you’re looking for a greater spiritual purpose in choking to death on horse radish—enjoy the holiday, appreciate the history, and take comfort that you don’t have to fast and no one gets circumcised.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dai-Dai-enu.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27305

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #83 (12/1/2013): Thanksgiving Meets Chanukah

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #83 (12/1/2013): Thanksgiving Meets Chanukah

aired Nov. 30, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/0tnyNRjxP5M

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 1st, 2013.

When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars – who gives a shit? I don’t follow astrology. But when two happy holidays intersect, that can be a time of much joy and reflection.

Now, all too often, Christmas and Chanukah fall around the same time. This has been hell on Jews, because the media conflates the two festivals into one big secular holiday, which it is not. There’s no such thing as Chrismukkah. Judah Maccabee did not find the baby Jesus in the Syrian temple, and Christ was not crucified on the shamash of a giant wooden menorah.

And yet, the proximity of Yuletide and Chanukah made for an uneasy coexistence. Jewish children would see their goyishe friends on Christmas Day riding new bicycles, playing X-box, unwrapping a new drum set. Then the Yiddishe children would come home, light a candle, sing a song, and then hold out their hands for a big present. Wow! Two ounces of chocolate money. A day-glo dreidel. Next door, the blonde kid gets a Vespa; in the Jewish house, “happy Chanukah, here’s a dollar. Give half to charity.” Is it any wonder the yidlach would look longingly at outside culture and say, “I want to go to there!”?

So Jewish families started playing catch-up. It wasn’t enough to put a menorah in the window. Now we have to decorate, just like the goyim. And the first night of Chanukah is meant to approximate Christmas Eve, so the kid gets a half decent gift. That way, the Jewish child can go next door and say, “Ha ha! Sure, you got all that stuff from Santa. But at 12:01am on Christmas Day, you’re done. No more presents. I got an iPad tonight, and there are seven more days of presents to come. Good stuff like chocolate or money, or chocolate that looks like money. Have fun cleaning up pine needles for a month, you foreskin-totin’ suckaah!”

Even so, the drawbacks of an omnipresent Christian holiday overshadowing a
Jewish one can be oppressive. It’s like people who have their birthday on Christmas. You get screwed, because not everyone double-gifts. You receive a single present, and it’s marginally better than the two items you would have scored had your parents shtupped in February instead of April.

But sometimes, holiday alignment isn’t a bad thing. This year has a rare occurrence of Chanukah falling at the same time as Thanksgiving. Wednesday night we light the first candle, and Thursday is turkey day, with Chankuah continuing all through Thanksgiving weekend.

We can draw parallels between the two festivals. First of all, they both call for gratitude. On Thanksgiving, Americans are grateful that the Indians were trusting and outmatched in warfare, so the Pilgrims could take advantage of them, give them smallpox and take their land. Thanks Pocahontas, pass the giblets. In the Chanukah story, Jews had to fight against Hellenism. I don’t know what they had against girls named Helen, but there you go.

After decades of treating the Jews fairly, the Syrians changed their tune to a song of anti-Semitism. They killed and pillaged, they made Judaism illegal, and they defiled the Hebrew temple in Jerusalem. This caused a number of Jewish families to revolt – and God knows, I’ve met some revolting Jewish families. But you had Mattathias and his son, Judah Maccabee, who fought the Syrians of the Greek empire and drove them out of Judea. They Hebrews and re-dedicated the temple, so we’re grateful to them and to HaShem for saving the Jewish people from conversion, death and unidentifiable gyro meat.

Chanukah and Thanksgiving have other things in common, as well. They’re both pretty secular. Chanukah is post-bible; it’s a cultural tradition rather than a top-down mandate. And Thanksgiving is for anyone happy to be living in the good ol’ USA. Both holidays also share special foods associated with each. Chanukah, you have potato latkes and jelly donuts. Thanksgiving, you have turkey and Dunkin’ donuts. Sports are also a part of both holidays. Thanksgiving, you sit in your armchair and you watch people who aren’t fat and lazy play football. Chanukah, children sit on the floor with a dreidel and learn the basics of gambling. You start with a pot of money, and then try to take money from everyone else. Is it any wonder Jewish children grow up to be bankers?

Chanukah is the festival of lights; Thanksgiving is a feast of lite beer. Both holidays also incorporate fire. Thanksgiving, we recall the way our ancestors burned down Indian teepees and villages. Chanukah, we stand at a menorah holding a colored candle while molten wax runs down our hands. You’d think after 5,000 years they could invent a candle that doesn’t make you look like the accident guy on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Most of all, both holidays are about spending time with family and friends. They’re about women arguing in the kitchen, men falling asleep during halftime, children getting loaded up on snacks and then being forced to eat cranberry sauce – does anybody enjoy eating cranberry sauce? Chanukah and Thanksgiving are about expressing our appreciation to HaShem for keeping us alive, either by letting us defeat empires or giving us delicious crops to harvest. Either way, it’s something worth singing about:

“Over the river and through the woods to Bubbie’s apartment we shlep;

It takes quite a while, and she’s kind of senile
And the baby comes home with strep.

Out of the tunnel, across the bridge and through the old neighborhood
The latkes were yucky, the presents were sucky
And yet, and yet, life’s good.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By #445 (11/16/2013): MARCO SOLO

Click above to listen to the episode (audio only)

Here is the 445th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Nov. 16, 2013. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Dave chats with actress-singer Andrea Marcovicci; Rabbi Sol Solomon offers his Rabbinical Reflection on Germany’s Crystal Spa; Inside Broadway; Saturday Segue (Bjork); Dylan – Sooner & Later (“Dylan” at 40).

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: singer-actress Andrea Marcovicci

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN (ornaments)
00:34:00 SATURDAY SEGUE (Bjork)
01:07:00 INSIDE BROADWAY
01:39:00 GUEST: Andrea Marcovicci
02:37:00 Friends
02:46:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (“Dylan” at 40)
03:01:30 Weather
03:03:30 Sponsors
03:11:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #82 – Germany’s Crystal Spa
03:19:00 Joyce on Tape
03:21:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Nov. 16, 2013 Playlist: “Tidal Wave” (00:37:30), “Hit” (00:47:30) & “Birthday” (00:57:30; The Sugarcubes). “Cover Me” (00:40:30), “The Boho Dance” (00:43:00) & “Bachelorette” (00:51:30; Bjork). “Discussing Big Fish” (01:34:00; Andrew Lippa & John August). “All in Fun” (01:37:00), “Life, Love and Laughter” (02:02:00), “Sing Me Not a Ballad” (02:19:30) & “Shakespeare Lied” (02:30:00; Andrea Marcovicci). “Lily of the West” (02:49:00), “Mary Ann” (02:52:30), “Big Yellow Taxi” (02:55:00), “Sarah Jane” (02:57:30). “Get Me Out of Here” (03:25:30; Paul McCartney).

Dave’s Gone By #417 (3/30/2013): ONE OF A KIND

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Here is the 417th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 30, 2013. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with singer-actress Roslyn Kind. Also: Inside Broadway, Dave’s Trip to Indianapolis, and Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (Passover).

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: Roslyn Kind

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:12:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Indiana
00:40:00 DAVE’S GONE AWAY – Indianapolis (w/ guest caller Joyce Weil)
01:36:00 Sponsors
01:44:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Roslyn Kind
02:31:30 Weather
02:32:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (The Lyons (02:36:30) & 9 to 5 (02:39:30))
02:49:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (Passover)
03:03:30 Thanks & Friends
03:05:30 DAVE GOES OUT

March 30, 2013 Playlist: “The Nearness of You” (00:13:0 0; Norah Jones). “Perfectly Good Guitar” (00:16:00; John Hiatt). “Black or White” (00:20:30; Michael Jackson). “Anything Goes” (00:24:00; Frank Sinatra). “Gary, Indiana” (00:26:30; The Music Man, original Broadway cast w/ Eddie Hodges). “Indiana Wants Me” (00:28:00; R. Dean Taylor). “Take Me Home” (00:32:00; Crystal Gayle). “Jim Dean of Indiana” (00:33:00; Phil Ochs). “It’s a Beautiful Day” (01:42:00), “Give Me You” (01:55:00), “Living Colors / Meadowlark” (02:05:00), “Somebody Loves Me” (02:17:00), “At Times Like This” (02:21:00) & “Come What May” (02:27:30; Roslyn Kind). “Get Out and Stay Out” (02:43:30; 9 to 5 Broadway cast w/ Stephanie J. Block). “Saved” (02:49:30) & “Ain’t Talkin’ (02:53:30). “When Day is Done” (03:06:30; Michael Feinstein).

Dave’s Gone By #413 (2/23/2013): OSCAR CALIBER

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Here is the 413th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Feb. 23, 2013. Info: davesgoneby.com.

A pre-Oscar show featuring Rabbi Sol Solomon chatting with Hollywood expert Stephen Schochet and with Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz. Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection (Purim jokes), Inside Broadway, the News Gone By, Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later and a Saturday Segue dedicated to recent passings in music.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guests: author Stephen Schochet, Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz

00:00:01 PRE-SHOW
00:07:00 DAVE GOES IN
00:17:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Passings
01:00:00 INSIDE BROADWAY (news (01:00:00) & “Madea Gets a Job” review (01:22:30))
01:33:00 Sponsors
01:41:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Stephen Schochet
02:19:00 NEWS GONE BY
02:26:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #58: More Purim Jokes
02:33:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (movies)
02:57:00 Friends
03:02:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Philip Lefkowitz
03:25:30 Weather
03:27:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Feb. 23, 2013 Playlist: “The Birthday Present” (00:05:00; Loudon Wainwright III). “The Saints” (00:20:00), “My Bonnie” (00:29:30), “Why” (00:36:00) & “Nobody’s Child” (00:48:00; Tony Sheridan & the Beatles). “Leader of the Pack” (00:22:00) & “Remember” (Walking in the Sand)” (00:34:00; The Shangri-Las). “Midnight Blues” (00:25:00) & “The Sky is Crying” (00:39:00; Magic Slim). “A Girl’s Gotta Do What a Girl’s Gotta Do” (00:31:30) & “You’ll Never Know” (00:44:30; Mindy McCready). “A Beautiful Morning” (01:10:30; The Rascals). “The Color Purple (Reprise)” (01:18:30; The Color Purple Broadway cast). “Life Can Be Like the Movies” (01:39:30; Chaplin, 2012 Broadway cast). “If You were in My Movie” (02:16:00; Suzanne Vega). “Things Have Changed” (02:34:00), “Hero Blues” (02:39:00), “Clean Cut Kid” (02:40:30) & “Brownsville Girl” (Bob Dylan). “Prisoners of Love” (03:22:30; “The Producers” (1969 film soundtrack).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #56 (2/10/2013): Valentine’s Day

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #56 (2/10/2013): Valentine’s Day

aired February 9th, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/yK-2Mmg9-yk

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 10th, 2013.

Would you be my Valentine? Actually, you’re wise if you wouldn’t. St. Valentine, upon whom the Valentine’s Day holiday is kind of, sort of, not exactly really based, was a possibly apocryphal figure – well, all the saints were apocryphal to Yids like me. But if you’re a goy, and you believe in such stories, St. Valentine was one of two things: He was either a composite of a couple of different saints because he was so undistinguished as a saint himself. Or he was a good guy, a hard-working believer – who was clubbed to death and martyred on February 14th. Either way, who the hell wants to be him?

As for Valentine’s Day itself, very likely it was the Catholic Church’s response to a pagan celebration – the feast of Lupercal. Personally, I think Sustacal and Metrecal are more slimming. But the point is, the church couldn’t have some idolatrous holiday interfering with their practice, so like Halloween and Christmas, they morphed the comical into something canonical.

How did hearts and cupids and $180 Zales receipts creep into it? I have no idea, but I’m glad they did, because it makes Valentine’s Day a holiday everyone can celebrate. That human beings need an excuse to express affection is a sad thing. But if one day of the year, you can turn to your partner or spouse or well-paid escort and say, “I love you. Thank you for all you bring to my life. Please pick up some rye bread on the way home.” That’s a beautiful thing.

I realize that for those who are alone and lonely, Valentine’s can be a hollow holiday indeed. Seeing all those Hallmark cards in the Rite Aid, watching couples on the street holding hands, watching couples in porn holding glands, and finding 2-for-1 restaurant coupons in the Sunday paper, then wondering if it’s worth the embarrassment to go solo and put the second entrée in a doggie bag.

My single friends, I feel your pain. It’s just below the ribcage and spasms uncontrollably, but it’s okay, I’m on medication. The solution for everyone is to not look at Valentine’s Day as just for romantic couples. It’s for everyone who has loved you or you have loved in the course of your travels: family, neighbors, pets, inflatable dolls with lifelike genitalia. As Stephen Stills once put it, “Love the one you’re with.” Just make sure you have warm towels and a disinfectant.

And let us not forget that Valentine’s Day now has a whole other context thanks to The Vagina Monologues. Eve Ensler’s play about women and their nether parts became a global phenomenon. And now, February 14th is a day to protest violence and abuse against women, for women themselves to take pride in their achievements, and, of course, for us all to pay tribute to those hairy little pusselehs.

So let this and every Valentine’s Day be not just about $70 restaurants and 7-11 roses, but mutual appreciation. A day of smiles, and hugs, and thank yous and vaginas. If you’re lucky, not necessarily in that order.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29240

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

Aired December 8, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/E8lvJUkZOQs

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 9th, 2012.

Happy Chanukah everybody! What a joy to find ourselves lighting the menorah, spinning the dreidel, eating the latkes, and making believe we’re not jealous of the people across the street celebrating Christmas. December, the very fulcrum of winter, is the perfect time for a holiday that brings us all together for food and fun. Actually, January would be better because December is still close to Thanksgiving and you have more football, but I’m not one to bitch.

To be honest, Chanukah is not the most important holiday. Passover, when we got the hell out of Egypt, that was bigger. Shavuot, where God gave us the Torah – that’s a big one, too. Yom Kippur, where we beg HaShem to forget what a bunch of schmucks we are, pretty major. Chanukah merely celebrates a military victory. Jerusalem was under the control of Syrians and Greeks who forbade the practice of Judaism. Matisyahu – not the reggae, the rebel – Matisyahu and his family rebelled, killed a few people, and took to the hills for training. They came back as an army and forced the Greeks out of the Holy Land.

When Jews went to re-claim the great temple, they saw that it had been defiled. Pigs were slaughtered on the altar. False idols were placed in positions of worship. A giant screen was tuned to QVC. The Jews immediately set about purifying the synagogue. And they probably also repainted a little because there was chipping and you could see the primer. Anyhoo, they started to burn some ritual oil in the candelabra. There was only a teeny bit left, so they figured it would burn for a day or two. What a shock when that minuscule drop of oil stayed lit for eight full days. I had an uncle who stayed lit for ten days, but it took him a case of Jack Daniels to do it. Eight days was just long enough to re-consecrate the temple, long enough to make our children say, “Eh, it’s just chocolate money, but we get it for a week!”

What is the modern significance of Chanukah? What do we learn from this Festival of Lights? First of all, we learn that you can do almost anything if you put your mind to it. One Jewish family defied the laws of the land and created a revolution. Instead of bowing before the Greeks – because we all know, Greeks like it when people bend over – they triumphed as the Maccabees. “Mac” because they became the Syrians’ mac daddies; “bees” because they stung the enemy in the tuchas.

We also learn that miracles happen if you let a little faith go a long way. Have you ever bought a lightbulb that was supposed to last a year, and a decade later, the thing’s still working? It happens. In the hands of HaShem, time is a malleable construct. Sometimes, when I give a sermon, people tell me they look at their watch and it’s been twenty minutes – but it feels like seven hours. A miracle!

Most importantly, we learn from the Chanukah holiday that things can look as bleak and horrible as the schmutz on the bottom of a toaster oven. But HaShem gives us the blessing of change. To quote Bob Dylan, “The wheel’s still in spin.” 2,200 years ago, the Temple was trashed and out of Jewish hands, and then, a week later, it’s ready for kosher catering. So when we look at the crisis in the middle east, or the fiscal cliff, or the music of Kid Rock, we have to say, “It’s all right. The world turns, and nothing truly lasts forever. Except an Orthodox seder.”

But that’s a different holiday. This one is Chanukah with candles and dreidels and latkes and Adam Sandler and jelly donuts and, thanks to fracking, enough oil to last eight centuries.

Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of plexiglass.
And if you don’t like Chanukah,
Then you can kiss my sexy ass.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29312

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #44 (9/23/2012): Atonement

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #44 (9/23/2012): Atonement

Aired September 22, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By.
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0N1WRgt1zc

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 23rd, 2012.

Repent! Repent! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!

Just screwing with you. We’ll be around for awhile longer, but it’s always good to take one day out of the year and apologize for all the crap we pull every other day of the year.

Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, is not a get-out-of-gehenna-free card. You don’t confess and magically find yourself absolved and awarded with a Starbucks Gold Card. Like it or not, you are still the same schmucky you. But at least you have taken a few hours to reflect upon your weaknesses, to wonder whom you might have hurt, and to ask God to take a little pity and keep you in the book of life for one more year.

Notice, I put God on the tail end of that sentence. That is no disrespect to you-know-who. And by you-know-who, I mean God. That’s why I said “you know who” `cause I just mentioned him by name, so you’d know who – he’d be fresh in your mind. If I’d meant Buddah, that would have been a surprise, you would not have known who. Or former Rolling Stones bass player Bill Wyman – that would have really come out of left field, you couldn’t possibly have guessed who. Unless you were God, who knows everything. He would know who. And in this case, it would be He. Horton would hear a who, but he wouldn’t know which who he heard. Unless God told him. He would say, “Horton, you’re hearing me. Now go hatch an egg. And tell Maisie she needs to atone.”

Which brings me back to my original point: the day of atonement is for people. We pray to God, we ask God’s forgiveness, we repent our sins. But we do this, not just to assuage the rage of a disappointed God, but to become better people. To realize that our actions have consequences that affect everyone around us. If we lie, if we cheat, if we buy retail, we create unhappiness in other people. Sure, most of them deserve it, but that’s not our call to make.

If you shoplift a dress from Ann Taylor, does HaShem care? Maybe, maybe not – he’s busy. But the security guard in the store who’s paid to watch the merchandise: he cares. The employees who make lower wages because lost income affects the bottom line – they care. The family members who see you in that dress at the holidays – they don’t care; they don’t even know it’s stolen. But they still call you a slut because the dress is too small and the color kind of whorish.

Unlike the Catholics, Jews atone, not because of our fear of the next world, but out of love and respect for the people in this one. Yes, in the Kol Nidre prayer, we ask God’s pardon from promises we couldn’t keep, and yes, we don’t eat for 24 hours – which for Jews is a torture worse than being trapped in an elevator with the Dance Moms. Far be it from me to say that Jews shouldn’t afraid of going to hell – or worse, West Hempstead, but as Jean Paul Sartre proved: hell can be other people. This is the planet we’re on for however long we’re on it, so if we are forced to think twice about how we treat our fellow travelers, maybe they will do the same for us. And that makes a better planet for everybody.

So this Yom Kipper, when it’s 4:30 in the afternoon, and you’re tired, and you’re grumpy, and your breath smells like something that malformed in Jerry Stiller’s tuchas, remember that you’re there to do better, to be better, or at least to try harder.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Lather, rinse, repent.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29332

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #13 (4/24/2011): Easter

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #13 (4/24/2011): Easter

Aired 4/23/11 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgmT5qW-5Vc

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon, with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 24th, 2011.

April 24th is a big day for our Christian brethren because it is Easter Sunday, the day that commemorates Jesus rising from the dead. According to the story, Jesus was crucified, pulled off the cross, and buried in a tomb. Three days later, they move away the rock – because that’s what you always do after you bury someone, you go back in and make sure they’re dead – and lo and behold, no corpse. The cave was empty.

And then, depending on which gospel you read, Jesus started appearing to his followers. He returned from the dead and visited his old pals. He saw the apostle Peter, and Paul, and Thomas – the famous “doubting Thomas.” Jesus said to him, “You don’t believe I’m dead? Stick your fingers in my wrist holes.” That’s actually in the book of John. Jesus telling Thomas, “You don’t think it’s me? Why don’t you blow in my feet like an ocarina? What? Disgusting? I spend seven hours bleeding to death on a cross, and you don’t wanna get goo on your face? Forget `doubting Thomas’; I’m gonna call you `asshole Thomas.’ How do you like that, ha? Pussyboy asshole Thomas. Now shut up and put your thumb in my ankle.”

I dunno. Obviously, I don’t believe in the whole resurrection thing, or any part of the Jesus story. But what intrigues me is the accepted idea that Jesus rose on the third day, and on the 40th day, he ascended to heaven. That leaves 37 days – nearly a month and a half – when he’s the walking dead, strolling around Bethlehem and wherever.

Wouldn’t that have been enough time to…I dunno…do anything? The gospels are very cryptic about his whereabouts all those weeks. Which is another reason they’re so suspect. If somebody rose from the dead, wouldn’t you follow them everywhere? Wouldn’t you take notes on every single thing they did? Instead: one visit here, an appearance there, a possible sighting in New Mexico.

And what if you were Jesus coming back to earth – what would you do? Was he still wounded? If he was part-human; maybe he went to a hospital, got himself re-hydrated, a couple of splints, maybe a chest x-ray.

And when he felt better… I don’t think they had guns in those days, but don’t you think he would’ve grabbed a sharp sword and gone looking for some people?

If I were Jesus, I’d be like, “Hello, there. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t see my face. You were too busy looking at my back while you were whipping it 39 times. Ohhh..no hard feelings. You were just doing as you were told. But, see, I’m the son of God now. So you have two choices: I can either put this sword through your head, or you can take me to Herod, and then I’ll put this sword through your head. Who? Pilate? Oh, I’ve been to Pilate. His courtroom, as a matter of fact. Let’s just say I put his gavel in a very interesting place.”

Now, see? If the New Testament read like that, I’d believe in it. Here you’ve got the son of God coming back with six weeks on earth to wreak havoc, get revenge, maybe get a little somethin’-somethin’ from Mary Magdalene. Or the reverse – maybe he uses his post-mortem super powers to unite everyone on the planet, prove that he’s divine and turn the whole world Christian.

But no. He comes back, a few people see him, and then he goes off to God. What a wasted opportunity! Which is why I’d sooner believe in the Easter Bunny than Jesus. But that’s just me. I certainly wish our goyische friends and neighbors a happy holiday, with lots of good family gatherings and frilly bonnets and chocolate bunnies.

Although speaking of food, it does occur to me that if the last supper was, as they say, a Passover Seder, that means for his final days on earth, Jesus could eat only Kosher-for-Pesach meals. Forget all the other tortures of the crucifixion; can you imagine how constipated he was? That poor bastard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

Dave’s Gone By #347 (3/19/2011): THE DR. IS IN

Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).

Here is the 347th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 19, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: radio personality Dr. Demento.

Dave chats with radio legend Dr. Demento. Also: the Saturday Segue (novelties), Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (funny ones), Inside Broadway (Spamalot in Greeley), Dave Says Bye to Joe Morello, and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on Purim.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:17:00 SATURDAY SEGUE: Novelties
00:30:00 GUEST: Dr. Demento
01:47:00 SATURDAY SEGUE, pt. 2 – More Novelties
01:57:30 DAVE – Sponsors
02:06:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later: Funny Ones
02:37:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (Spamalot)
02:54:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: Purim jokes
03:00:30 DAVE SAYS BYE: Joe Morello
03:04:30 DAVE – Weather & Friends
03:11:00 DAVE GOES OUT

March 19, 2011 Playlist: “Fish Heads” (00:17:00; Barnes & Barnes); “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park” (00:19:30; Tom Lehrer); “One Hippopotami” (00:21:30; Allan Sherman); “I’m My Own Grampaw” (00:25:00; Homer & Jethro); “Cocktails for Two” (00:27:30; Spike Jones). “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha” (01:47:00; Napoleon XIV); “One More Minute” (01:49:30; Weird Al Yankovic); “My Name is Larry” (01:53:30; Wild Man Fischer); “Mixed Up Confusion” (02:07:00), “Baby, I’m in the for You” (02:09:30), “The Ugliest Girl in the World” (02:12:30), “I Shall Be Free No. 10” (02:16:00), “Man Gave Names to All the Animals” (02:20:30), “Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat” (02:25:00), “All I Really Want to Do” (live, 02:29:00) & “Must Be Santa” (02:32:00; Bob Dylan). “You Can’t Succeed on Broadway” (02:38:00; Spamalot original 2005 Broadway cast), “Take Five” (Dave Brubeck Quartet; 02:59:00), “Knockers Up” (excerpt, 03:09:00; Rusty Warren); “Shaving Cream” (03:17:00; Paul Wynn/Benny Bell).

(Pictured: Dr. Demento)