holiday – Page 2 – Dave's Gone By

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #132 (12/12/2015): HANUKKAH HAIKU

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Rabbinical Reflection #132: Hanukkah Haiku

aired Dec. 12, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://youtu.be/6AxN-ZfHRak

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 12, 2015.

With everything going on in the world – the craziness, the killing, chaos in the GOP, E. coli at Chipotle—which is really confusing because how the hell are you supposed to differentiate noro-virus diarrhea from regular Chipotle diarrhea? Such distinctions are lost on me. But what we must not lose this mid-December is the arrival of Chanukah. Eight days of happiness and food and gratitude, and a reminder that every Jewish holiday isn’t about fasting and wishing you could afford maid service.

Sometimes we win. Sometimes the enemy who is trying to destroy us, or weaken our faith, gets a shank in the ribs. We did it to Egypt in a thousand BC, we did it to the Greeks—who bent over and took it—and one day we’ll do it to ISIS and ISIL and Al Qaeda and Boko Haram, and maybe the first guy who said, “Hey, it’s Halloween soon. Let’s put pumpkin spice in everything. Lattes, pancakes, donuts, beef wellington—doesn’t matter. Pumpkin spice is the new oxygen.” We need to get him.

Anyhoo, Chanukah commemorates a small band of Jews who would not succumb to the hellish Hellenic hellions who tried to hinder our Hebrew historicity. The second temple in Jerusalem was recaptured from the Greeks, re-consecrated as a synagogue, and retrofitted for Wi-Fi. And when the Hashmonaim were cleaning the temple, and making it minty fresh, they had only a drop of oil with which to light the holy candelabra, the menorah. And yet that oil burned day and night for eight straight days. The electric bill must have been horrendous, but the point is: miracles do happen. They happened then, they happen now. It’s a miracle that a computer can digitally print working human organs. It’s a miracle you can stare at a hole in the ground in a city block, come back six months later, and it’s an office building. It’s an astounding miracle that someone like me is on the radio.

So let us delight with our family, our friends—all the people we barely tolerate for fear of loneliness—and cheer the miraculous holiday of Chanukah. To do so, I have written a few short poems celebrating the Festival of Lights in haiku form. Haiku is a Japanese poetry style that is perfectly marvelous because it’s so short. As soon as you get started, you’re finished. Like a teenage boy on prom night. Your entire thought process must fit into a mere 17 syllables, which proves the Japanese not only invented haiku but twitter.

I pray that you enjoy these holiday poems from me, Rabbi Sol. Chanukah Chaikus:

Eight candles burning
On my shaky menorah.
Shit! Call 9-1-1.

Headline: Polish Jews
Suffer Third-Degree Burns When
Bobbing for Latkes

Judah Maccabee
And sons beat the Greek army
Yay for terrorists!

Happy holidays, my friends, and may all your dreidel spins come up hay. I’d say gimel, but why press your luck? This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, New York.

NON-FICTION – ESSAY – HUMOROUS: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #132 (12/12/2015): HANUKKAH HAIKU

Dave’s Gone By #526 (9/12/2015): TATER DAY

click above for episode #526 (audio only)

Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).

Here is the 526th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Sept. 12, 2015. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Inside Broadway, Greeley Crimes & Old Times, Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (high holy days), Saturday Segue (Hank Williams).

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: Dave’s wife Joyce

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce (Potato Day!, chalk)
00:19:00 GREELEY CRIMES & OLD TIMES
00:37:00 DAVE GOES FURTHER IN (Mac Sabbath)
01:05:00 SATURDAY SEGUE (Hank Williams)
01:29:30 INSIDE BROADWAY
01:48:30 Sponsors
01:52:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (high holy days)
02:11:00 Friends
02:18:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Sept. 12, 2015 Playlist: “Frying Pan” (Mac Sabbath). “I Just Don’t Like this Kind of Living” (01:08:00), “Setting the Woods on Fire” (01:11:00), “Farther Along” (01:13:30) & “Free at Last” (01:16:30; Hank Williams). “The Boy Friend” (01:45:30; The Boy Friend 1970 Bway cast w/ Judy Carne). “High Water (for Charley Patton)” ({live} 01:54:00) & “Days of `49” (alternate version; 02:04:00; Bob Dylan). “Love is a Four Letter Word” ({live}; 02:01:00; Joan Baez). “Potato” (02:20:00; Cheryl Wheeler).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #121 (4/5/2015): Passover

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #121 (4/5/2015): Passover

(aired April 5, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27305. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/P5iBQJD75tg)

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 5, 2015.

Friends, are you constipated? I certainly hope so, because that would mean you are eating your matzah, the traditional food of the Passover holiday, which we are in the midst of celebrating as we speak. Well, as I speak; you’re just listening.

But yes, Passover is one of the most important Jewish holidays—certainly the most labor intensive. Other holidays, you cook a meal, you make a blessing, maybe you don’t eat for a day—boom, you’re done. Okay, Sukkos, you have to build a little house, which is a pain in the ass, but you get to use it for a week, and you can make believe it’s a gazebo or a cozy shed. And if you’re too lazy to build, you can always go to the local shul and stay in theirs. Just make sure to use the guest towels.

But Pesach? Oy, what a production. You have to clean the whole house, top to bottom, of every crumb, every last bit of leavened bread. You have to sell everything in your fridge and cupboards to your local Rabbi–because what Rabbi doesn’t want to be responsible for two-week-old meatloaf? You gotta change all your dishes and cutlery, because a fork that touched pizza is somehow satanic for a week. And then, throughout Passover, you can eat only foods that are approved for holiday use. Wheat and beans and whole-grain products are verboten, and everything you reach for has to be certified Kosher L’Pesach. Which means a bottle of ketchup that’s $2 the rest of the year now costs $7.50. Why? Because some mashgiach was there to make sure that no tomato came into contact with a pretzel. HaShem forbid.

It’s a lot of nonsense, of course, but like all religious rituals, the doing of them forces us to remember who we are and the legacy to which we are tied. God doesn’t give a rat’s tushie if we hide the Afikomen or not; but my great, great, great grandfather hid the Afikomen—probably from the Cossacks—and my 21 ½ children will hide the Afikomen from my (god willing) 150 grandchildren. It’s not the activity; it’s the legacy.

Or, on Passover, it’s leprosy. And blood and frogs and boils and murrain and darkness and death of the first born and all the things usually caused by Comcast/Xfinity. We remember the 10 Plagues God visited upon the Egyptians as payback for subjugating the Hebrews. And when Moses visited Pharaoh and told him, “Look, we’re leaving. Can we get a severance check and a few weeks of interim health insurance?”, Pharaoh said no, so God made him suffer. Actually, Pharaoh didn’t say no. I mean, at first he did, when Moses was turning water into blood and making frogs jump out of underwear drawers. Pharaoh saw a bunch of magic tricks and said, “Copperfield does them better.”

But as the plagues turned nastier, Pharaoh was ready to be done with the Jews and let our people go. Until HaShem hardened his heart–I guess with some kind of aortic Viagra–and forced Pharoah to make ruinous choices, essentially robbing the king of Egypt of his free will.

I admit, I’ve always found something unsettling in that story. It’s one thing if Pharaoh is so evil, or so moronic, that he invites torture upon his empire through his own pig-headedness. But the Torah makes it clear that God is pulling the strings. He’s like the schoolyard bully that grabs your fists and makes you sock yourself in the face, all the while saying, “Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?” In the Pesach story, God puts Pharaoh through ten rounds with Mike Tyson, and then a bonus round with Muhammad Ali. The Jews finally hit the road, Pharaoh sends soldiers after them—presumably all second-born sons–and what happens? They all drown. God is nothing if not thorough.

So what do we learn from that gruesome fable? First, that if you mess with the Jews long enough, you get payback of biblical proportions (pun intended). After all, the Hebrews served as Egyptian slaves for generations before the big rescue. Stopping the punishment at flies or even flaming hail just wouldn’t send the same message as mass murder.

The second thing we learn is a rational reason why we spill drops of wine during the Passover seder. The Haggadah explains that even though Pesach is a happy holiday, and we’re delighted to recall the deliverance of Israel from Egypt, we’re not supposed to celebrate a hundred percent. We diminish our wine glass literally and our joy metaphorically, because even though our enemy treated us worse than the worst Jennifer Lopez movie, they are still human beings. They are still God’s children being destroyed.

Personally, I don’t spill a whole lotta wine on Passover—and not just because we have to use the same tablecloth for two nights. I rejoice freely when my enemy falls. When the Navy Seals took out bin Laden, I tore off my clothes and started dancing naked around the house. Which caused some problems because I was outside. But oh boy, did I shake my tailfeather! Miley Cyrus could have studied my tuchas for twerking lessons. And if I’d been alive in 1945 to witness V-E Day, I would have kissed a girl for every German that got a bullet through his eye or a bayonet through his heart. (You could probably call it VD Day…) I still would do this, so if any young girls want to stand in the street and let me kiss them, drop me an email, and I’ll get my sailor suit out of the cleaners.

Don’t get me wrong; I like the idea of being a good sport when my adversary is vanquished, but in reality, the misery and death of my enemies gives me less pause than a skip on my CD player. (For those of you under 30 who don’t know what that is, a CD player is like Spotify on a pancake.)

Anyhoo, my point in all this is however you celebrate Passover—if you follow all the rules, some of the rules, or if you serve bacon croissants during the Seder—and however you feel about Passover—whether you’re there just for family or you’re looking for a greater spiritual purpose in choking to death on horse radish—enjoy the holiday, appreciate the history, and take comfort that you don’t have to fast and no one gets circumcised.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dai-Dai-enu.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27305

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #083 (12/1/2013): Thanksgiving Meets Chanukah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #83 (12/1/2013): Thanksgiving Meets Chanukah

aired Nov. 30, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/0tnyNRjxP5M

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 1st, 2013.

When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars – who gives a shit? I don’t follow astrology. But when two happy holidays intersect, that can be a time of much joy and reflection.

Now, all too often, Christmas and Chanukah fall around the same time. This has been hell on Jews, because the media conflates the two festivals into one big secular holiday, which it is not. There’s no such thing as Chrismukkah. Judah Maccabee did not find the baby Jesus in the Syrian temple, and Christ was not crucified on the shamash of a giant wooden menorah.

And yet, the proximity of Yuletide and Chanukah made for an uneasy coexistence. Jewish children would see their goyishe friends on Christmas Day riding new bicycles, playing X-box, unwrapping a new drum set. Then the Yiddishe children would come home, light a candle, sing a song, and then hold out their hands for a big present. Wow! Two ounces of chocolate money. A day-glo dreidel. Next door, the blonde kid gets a Vespa; in the Jewish house, “happy Chanukah, here’s a dollar. Give half to charity.” Is it any wonder the yidlach would look longingly at outside culture and say, “I want to go to there!”?

So Jewish families started playing catch-up. It wasn’t enough to put a menorah in the window. Now we have to decorate, just like the goyim. And the first night of Chanukah is meant to approximate Christmas Eve, so the kid gets a half decent gift. That way, the Jewish child can go next door and say, “Ha ha! Sure, you got all that stuff from Santa. But at 12:01am on Christmas Day, you’re done. No more presents. I got an iPad tonight, and there are seven more days of presents to come. Good stuff like chocolate or money, or chocolate that looks like money. Have fun cleaning up pine needles for a month, you foreskin-totin’ suckaah!”

Even so, the drawbacks of an omnipresent Christian holiday overshadowing a
Jewish one can be oppressive. It’s like people who have their birthday on Christmas. You get screwed, because not everyone double-gifts. You receive a single present, and it’s marginally better than the two items you would have scored had your parents shtupped in February instead of April.

But sometimes, holiday alignment isn’t a bad thing. This year has a rare occurrence of Chanukah falling at the same time as Thanksgiving. Wednesday night we light the first candle, and Thursday is turkey day, with Chankuah continuing all through Thanksgiving weekend.

We can draw parallels between the two festivals. First of all, they both call for gratitude. On Thanksgiving, Americans are grateful that the Indians were trusting and outmatched in warfare, so the Pilgrims could take advantage of them, give them smallpox and take their land. Thanks Pocahontas, pass the giblets. In the Chanukah story, Jews had to fight against Hellenism. I don’t know what they had against girls named Helen, but there you go.

After decades of treating the Jews fairly, the Syrians changed their tune to a song of anti-Semitism. They killed and pillaged, they made Judaism illegal, and they defiled the Hebrew temple in Jerusalem. This caused a number of Jewish families to revolt – and God knows, I’ve met some revolting Jewish families. But you had Mattathias and his son, Judah Maccabee, who fought the Syrians of the Greek empire and drove them out of Judea. They Hebrews and re-dedicated the temple, so we’re grateful to them and to HaShem for saving the Jewish people from conversion, death and unidentifiable gyro meat.

Chanukah and Thanksgiving have other things in common, as well. They’re both pretty secular. Chanukah is post-bible; it’s a cultural tradition rather than a top-down mandate. And Thanksgiving is for anyone happy to be living in the good ol’ USA. Both holidays also share special foods associated with each. Chanukah, you have potato latkes and jelly donuts. Thanksgiving, you have turkey and Dunkin’ donuts. Sports are also a part of both holidays. Thanksgiving, you sit in your armchair and you watch people who aren’t fat and lazy play football. Chanukah, children sit on the floor with a dreidel and learn the basics of gambling. You start with a pot of money, and then try to take money from everyone else. Is it any wonder Jewish children grow up to be bankers?

Chanukah is the festival of lights; Thanksgiving is a feast of lite beer. Both holidays also incorporate fire. Thanksgiving, we recall the way our ancestors burned down Indian teepees and villages. Chanukah, we stand at a menorah holding a colored candle while molten wax runs down our hands. You’d think after 5,000 years they could invent a candle that doesn’t make you look like the accident guy on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Most of all, both holidays are about spending time with family and friends. They’re about women arguing in the kitchen, men falling asleep during halftime, children getting loaded up on snacks and then being forced to eat cranberry sauce – does anybody enjoy eating cranberry sauce? Chanukah and Thanksgiving are about expressing our appreciation to HaShem for keeping us alive, either by letting us defeat empires or giving us delicious crops to harvest. Either way, it’s something worth singing about:

“Over the river and through the woods to Bubbie’s apartment we shlep;

It takes quite a while, and she’s kind of senile
And the baby comes home with strep.

Out of the tunnel, across the bridge and through the old neighborhood
The latkes were yucky, the presents were sucky
And yet, and yet, life’s good.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By #445 (11/16/2013): MARCO SOLO

click above for episode #445 (audio only)

Click above to listen to the episode (audio only)

Here is the 445th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Nov. 16, 2013. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Dave chats with actress-singer Andrea Marcovicci; Rabbi Sol Solomon offers his Rabbinical Reflection on Germany’s Crystal Spa; Inside Broadway; Saturday Segue (Bjork); Dylan – Sooner & Later (“Dylan” at 40).

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: singer-actress Andrea Marcovicci

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN (ornaments)
00:34:00 SATURDAY SEGUE (Bjork)
01:07:00 INSIDE BROADWAY
01:39:00 GUEST: Andrea Marcovicci
02:37:00 Friends
02:46:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (“Dylan” at 40)
03:01:30 Weather
03:03:30 Sponsors
03:11:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #82 – Germany’s Crystal Spa
03:19:00 Joyce on Tape
03:21:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Nov. 16, 2013 Playlist: “Tidal Wave” (00:37:30), “Hit” (00:47:30) & “Birthday” (00:57:30; The Sugarcubes). “Cover Me” (00:40:30), “The Boho Dance” (00:43:00) & “Bachelorette” (00:51:30; Bjork). “Discussing Big Fish” (01:34:00; Andrew Lippa & John August). “All in Fun” (01:37:00), “Life, Love and Laughter” (02:02:00), “Sing Me Not a Ballad” (02:19:30) & “Shakespeare Lied” (02:30:00; Andrea Marcovicci). “Lily of the West” (02:49:00), “Mary Ann” (02:52:30), “Big Yellow Taxi” (02:55:00), “Sarah Jane” (02:57:30). “Get Me Out of Here” (03:25:30; Paul McCartney).

Dave’s Gone By #417 (3/30/2013): ONE OF A KIND

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Here is the 417th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 30, 2013. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with singer-actress Roslyn Kind. Also: Inside Broadway, Dave’s Trip to Indianapolis, and Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (Passover).

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: Roslyn Kind

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:12:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Indiana
00:40:00 DAVE’S GONE AWAY – Indianapolis (w/ guest caller Joyce Weil)
01:36:00 Sponsors
01:44:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Roslyn Kind
02:31:30 Weather
02:32:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (The Lyons (02:36:30) & 9 to 5 (02:39:30))
02:49:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (Passover)
03:03:30 Thanks & Friends
03:05:30 DAVE GOES OUT

March 30, 2013 Playlist: “The Nearness of You” (00:13:0 0; Norah Jones). “Perfectly Good Guitar” (00:16:00; John Hiatt). “Black or White” (00:20:30; Michael Jackson). “Anything Goes” (00:24:00; Frank Sinatra). “Gary, Indiana” (00:26:30; The Music Man, original Broadway cast w/ Eddie Hodges). “Indiana Wants Me” (00:28:00; R. Dean Taylor). “Take Me Home” (00:32:00; Crystal Gayle). “Jim Dean of Indiana” (00:33:00; Phil Ochs). “It’s a Beautiful Day” (01:42:00), “Give Me You” (01:55:00), “Living Colors / Meadowlark” (02:05:00), “Somebody Loves Me” (02:17:00), “At Times Like This” (02:21:00) & “Come What May” (02:27:30; Roslyn Kind). “Get Out and Stay Out” (02:43:30; 9 to 5 Broadway cast w/ Stephanie J. Block). “Saved” (02:49:30) & “Ain’t Talkin’ (02:53:30). “When Day is Done” (03:06:30; Michael Feinstein).

Dave’s Gone By #413 (2/23/2013): OSCAR CALIBER

click above for episode #413 (audio only)

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Here is the 413th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Feb. 23, 2013. Info: davesgoneby.com.

A pre-Oscar show featuring Rabbi Sol Solomon chatting with Hollywood expert Stephen Schochet and with Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz. Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection (Purim jokes), Inside Broadway, the News Gone By, Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later and a Saturday Segue dedicated to recent passings in music.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guests: author Stephen Schochet, Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz

00:00:01 PRE-SHOW
00:07:00 DAVE GOES IN
00:17:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Passings
01:00:00 INSIDE BROADWAY (news (01:00:00) & “Madea Gets a Job” review (01:22:30))
01:33:00 Sponsors
01:41:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Stephen Schochet
02:19:00 NEWS GONE BY
02:26:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #58: More Purim Jokes
02:33:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (movies)
02:57:00 Friends
03:02:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Philip Lefkowitz
03:25:30 Weather
03:27:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Feb. 23, 2013 Playlist: “The Birthday Present” (00:05:00; Loudon Wainwright III). “The Saints” (00:20:00), “My Bonnie” (00:29:30), “Why” (00:36:00) & “Nobody’s Child” (00:48:00; Tony Sheridan & the Beatles). “Leader of the Pack” (00:22:00) & “Remember” (Walking in the Sand)” (00:34:00; The Shangri-Las). “Midnight Blues” (00:25:00) & “The Sky is Crying” (00:39:00; Magic Slim). “A Girl’s Gotta Do What a Girl’s Gotta Do” (00:31:30) & “You’ll Never Know” (00:44:30; Mindy McCready). “A Beautiful Morning” (01:10:30; The Rascals). “The Color Purple (Reprise)” (01:18:30; The Color Purple Broadway cast). “Life Can Be Like the Movies” (01:39:30; Chaplin, 2012 Broadway cast). “If You were in My Movie” (02:16:00; Suzanne Vega). “Things Have Changed” (02:34:00), “Hero Blues” (02:39:00), “Clean Cut Kid” (02:40:30) & “Brownsville Girl” (Bob Dylan). “Prisoners of Love” (03:22:30; “The Producers” (1969 film soundtrack).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #056 (2/10/2013): Valentine’s Day

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #56 (2/10/2013): Valentine’s Day

aired February 9th, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/yK-2Mmg9-yk

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 10th, 2013.

Would you be my Valentine? Actually, you’re wise if you wouldn’t. St. Valentine, upon whom the Valentine’s Day holiday is kind of, sort of, not exactly really based, was a possibly apocryphal figure – well, all the saints were apocryphal to Yids like me. But if you’re a goy, and you believe in such stories, St. Valentine was one of two things: He was either a composite of a couple of different saints because he was so undistinguished as a saint himself. Or he was a good guy, a hard-working believer – who was clubbed to death and martyred on February 14th. Either way, who the hell wants to be him?

As for Valentine’s Day itself, very likely it was the Catholic Church’s response to a pagan celebration – the feast of Lupercal. Personally, I think Sustacal and Metrecal are more slimming. But the point is, the church couldn’t have some idolatrous holiday interfering with their practice, so like Halloween and Christmas, they morphed the comical into something canonical.

How did hearts and cupids and $180 Zales receipts creep into it? I have no idea, but I’m glad they did, because it makes Valentine’s Day a holiday everyone can celebrate. That human beings need an excuse to express affection is a sad thing. But if one day of the year, you can turn to your partner or spouse or well-paid escort and say, “I love you. Thank you for all you bring to my life. Please pick up some rye bread on the way home.” That’s a beautiful thing.

I realize that for those who are alone and lonely, Valentine’s can be a hollow holiday indeed. Seeing all those Hallmark cards in the Rite Aid, watching couples on the street holding hands, watching couples in porn holding glands, and finding 2-for-1 restaurant coupons in the Sunday paper, then wondering if it’s worth the embarrassment to go solo and put the second entrée in a doggie bag.

My single friends, I feel your pain. It’s just below the ribcage and spasms uncontrollably, but it’s okay, I’m on medication. The solution for everyone is to not look at Valentine’s Day as just for romantic couples. It’s for everyone who has loved you or you have loved in the course of your travels: family, neighbors, pets, inflatable dolls with lifelike genitalia. As Stephen Stills once put it, “Love the one you’re with.” Just make sure you have warm towels and a disinfectant.

And let us not forget that Valentine’s Day now has a whole other context thanks to The Vagina Monologues. Eve Ensler’s play about women and their nether parts became a global phenomenon. And now, February 14th is a day to protest violence and abuse against women, for women themselves to take pride in their achievements, and, of course, for us all to pay tribute to those hairy little pusselehs.

So let this and every Valentine’s Day be not just about $70 restaurants and 7-11 roses, but mutual appreciation. A day of smiles, and hugs, and thank yous and vaginas. If you’re lucky, not necessarily in that order.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29240

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #048 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

Aired December 8, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/E8lvJUkZOQs

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 9th, 2012.

Happy Chanukah everybody! What a joy to find ourselves lighting the menorah, spinning the dreidel, eating the latkes, and making believe we’re not jealous of the people across the street celebrating Christmas. December, the very fulcrum of winter, is the perfect time for a holiday that brings us all together for food and fun. Actually, January would be better because December is still close to Thanksgiving and you have more football, but I’m not one to bitch.

To be honest, Chanukah is not the most important holiday. Passover, when we got the hell out of Egypt, that was bigger. Shavuot, where God gave us the Torah – that’s a big one, too. Yom Kippur, where we beg HaShem to forget what a bunch of schmucks we are, pretty major. Chanukah merely celebrates a military victory. Jerusalem was under the control of Syrians and Greeks who forbade the practice of Judaism. Matisyahu – not the reggae, the rebel – Matisyahu and his family rebelled, killed a few people, and took to the hills for training. They came back as an army and forced the Greeks out of the Holy Land.

When Jews went to re-claim the great temple, they saw that it had been defiled. Pigs were slaughtered on the altar. False idols were placed in positions of worship. A giant screen was tuned to QVC. The Jews immediately set about purifying the synagogue. And they probably also repainted a little because there was chipping and you could see the primer. Anyhoo, they started to burn some ritual oil in the candelabra. There was only a teeny bit left, so they figured it would burn for a day or two. What a shock when that minuscule drop of oil stayed lit for eight full days. I had an uncle who stayed lit for ten days, but it took him a case of Jack Daniels to do it. Eight days was just long enough to re-consecrate the temple, long enough to make our children say, “Eh, it’s just chocolate money, but we get it for a week!”

What is the modern significance of Chanukah? What do we learn from this Festival of Lights? First of all, we learn that you can do almost anything if you put your mind to it. One Jewish family defied the laws of the land and created a revolution. Instead of bowing before the Greeks – because we all know, Greeks like it when people bend over – they triumphed as the Maccabees. “Mac” because they became the Syrians’ mac daddies; “bees” because they stung the enemy in the tuchas.

We also learn that miracles happen if you let a little faith go a long way. Have you ever bought a lightbulb that was supposed to last a year, and a decade later, the thing’s still working? It happens. In the hands of HaShem, time is a malleable construct. Sometimes, when I give a sermon, people tell me they look at their watch and it’s been twenty minutes – but it feels like seven hours. A miracle!

Most importantly, we learn from the Chanukah holiday that things can look as bleak and horrible as the schmutz on the bottom of a toaster oven. But HaShem gives us the blessing of change. To quote Bob Dylan, “The wheel’s still in spin.” 2,200 years ago, the Temple was trashed and out of Jewish hands, and then, a week later, it’s ready for kosher catering. So when we look at the crisis in the middle east, or the fiscal cliff, or the music of Kid Rock, we have to say, “It’s all right. The world turns, and nothing truly lasts forever. Except an Orthodox seder.”

But that’s a different holiday. This one is Chanukah with candles and dreidels and latkes and Adam Sandler and jelly donuts and, thanks to fracking, enough oil to last eight centuries.

Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of plexiglass.
And if you don’t like Chanukah,
Then you can kiss my sexy ass.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29312

Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS

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Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS

An interview with a fed-up Santa Claus, Buchanan & Goodman style.

This song first aired Nov. 24, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

SANTA QUITS

(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Note: A mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short musical samples from other artists. Song titles are in parentheses with sampled quotes following.)

Y BHEKHIRST (Everytime I): Every time I think of you, la la la la la la la. . .

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this record to bring you a special bulletin. Santa Claus is about to announce his retirement. I repeat Santa Claus is giving up the giving of gifts.

WILD MAN FISCHER (I’m a Christmas Tree): Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus!

ANNOUNCER: We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter on the scene at the North Pole.

LOU REED (Caroline Says II): It’s so cold…

ANNOUNCER: Take it away John Cameron Sleazy.

JOHN CAMERON SLEAZY: This is John Cameron Sleazy at the North Pole. I’m talking to an elf.

RANDY NEWMAN (Short People): Short People…

JCS: Herman the Elf. How long have you worked in Santa’s Toyshop?

ROBYN HITCHCOCK (Sixteen Years): Sixteen years, and all I got was high.

JCS: My goodness. That’s quite a long time.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT (Poses): No kidding.

JCS: And when did you first hear the news that Santa Claus was hanging up his stocking?

WILD MAN FISCHER (Yesterday): Yesterday.

ANNOUNCER: It must have been a shock. How did you react?

SHERRY VINE (Shit My Pants): Girl, I just shit my pants.

JCS: Well, that’s understandable. Disgusting but understandable What will you do now?

THE PRODUCERS (movie excerpt): Gonna crush Poland, then I’m gonna take over France.

JCS: Well, I certainly wish you luck with that. But we have to go over to Mrs. Claus. Santa’s wife has just emerged from a side entrance. Let’s try to catch her.

THE BEATLES (Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey Hey): Hey hey hey hey

JCS: Mrs. Claus! May we have a word?

THE WHO (Who are You): Who are you?

JCS: I’m John Cameron Sleazy from Eyewitless News. May we talk to you?

ROBERT KLEIN (Starting Your Car): Leave me alone!

JCS: We just wanna ask why your husband is quitting his job.

HANK WILLIAMS (Mind Your Own Business): Mind your own business.

JCS: But Madame, it’s the world’s business. If Santa leaves, what will the children get on Christmas?

LEON REDBONE (Ain’t Misbehavin’): What do I care?

JCS: Are you angry with your husband?

CARNIVAL (1961 Broadway cast): I hate him!

JCS: Very sad news here from the North Pole.

FRANK ZAPPA (Sharleena): I’m crying.

DEEJAY: That was the Heinous Anuses: “Crying!”

JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy watching crowds gather outside Santa’s factory. Oh my goodness, two unemployed elves have broken into the workshop with hunting knives.

ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacre): Kill kill kill!

JCS: Santa fends them off with a machete!

2LIVECREW (Get the Fuck Out of My House): Get the fuck out my house!

JCS: Santa Claus is climbing up the chimney trying to escape.

ICE CUBE (When Will They Shoot?): They’ll never get me, they’ll never hit me.

JCS: The disturbed elf is giving chase.

ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacree): Kill kill kill!

JCS: Santa Claus has made it safely up the chimney and is surveying the crowd.

THE DRIFTERS (Up on the Roof): Up on the roof.

JCS: Santa Claus! Why have you resigned?

VAN MORRISON (So Complicated): So complicated, just want to blow my horn.

JCS: Your horn? Aren’t you Santa?

SHOOBY TAYLOR (Shooby Records): I’m Shooby Taylor, the human horn. When the fuck you gonna realize that?

JCS: No you are not, sir. And rumor has it that you have been forced to quit because of charges brought against you.

THE MAGNETIC FIELDS (I Don’t Believe You): I don’t believe you.

JCS: Children as young as five have accused you of sexual assault.

MATTHEW SWEET (What Do You Know): What do you know?

JCS: I have a child right here who says you molested him. Isn’t that right, Sonny?

AFROMAN (Colt 45): We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor.

JCS: Santa, isn’t it true you made this boy push a lump of coal into your ass?

THE DOORS (The End): Son, I want to kill you.

DYLAN (1966 live, Like a Rolling Stone): You’re a liar!

JCS: Little boy, why did Santa make you do this?

LIZ PHAIR (Chopsticks): That way we can fuck and watch TV.

JCS: Santa, explain your behavior to this poor boy!

NEIL YOUNG (Hawks & Doves): Just don’t got nothing to say.

JCS: Why the coal, Santa? Was it to teach him something?

REDD FOXX (Wash Your Ass): You got to wash yo’ ass.

JCS: Oh Santa, is that why Mrs. Claus is abandoning you?

CEE-LO GREEN (Fuck You): Fuck you and fuck her, too.

JCS: Little boy, do you have any advice for other children in your situation?

ICE CUBE (Get Off My Dick and Tell Your Bitch to Come Here): Stay off his dick!

JCS: Santa Claus is climbing into his sleigh, and Rudolph does not look happy.

ELVIS COSTELLO (Oliver’s Army): And I would rather be anywhere else but here today.

JCS: Santa, before you go, do you have a message for the children of the world?

BOB DYLAN (Masters of War): And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon.

JCS: Santa that’s horrible. And where are you going exactly?

WING (Highway to Hell): I’m on the highway to hell.

JCS: And there he goes, the last of Santa and his reindeer.

FAIRPORT CONVENTION (Farewell, Farewell): Farewell, farewell.

JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy bringing you back to the studio. Bye bye Santa!

FRANK ZAPPA: Goodnight. Goodnight boys and girls.

BEATLES: (A Day in the Life) Final Chord.