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Dave’s Gone By Skit (3/16/2003): RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S APOCRYPHA #2 – Purim

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Apocrypha #2: PURIM

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This skit, an early version of what would become Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflections, first aired March 16, 2003 on the 24th episode of the Dave’s Gone By radio program.

Shalom, Shalom oovrachah, everyone, and chag sameach [happy holiday]. Happy Purim to all of you!

Oy, it was such a long, miserable, goyische winter; it’s time we had a little happiness in our lives. A bit of craziness! Drinking and eating of sweets and turning the whole world a little tohu vavohu—topsy turvy—to celebrate our continued survival on the planet.

I’m Rabbi Sol Solomon on Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York, and I wanna thank Dave Lefkowitz, the host of Dave’s Gone By, for having me back on the show.

Last time, I was here in December for another happy holiday, Chanukah, which too many secular Jews mistake for being just a Yiddish version of Christmas. Well, now all I hear is people calling Purim a Hebraic adaptation of Halloween. Ptooey! Wrong and wrong again! Purim is its own happy holiday; it doesn’t need John Carpenter for validation.

The story of Purim in a nutshell is this: the King of Persia got angry at his first wife, so he killed her. Single again, he went looking around for a shiskeh goddess to be wife number two. Just like in Cinderella, he found her—only, she wasn’t what he thought she was. Her name was Esther, and she was being raised by her uncle, Mordecai. Morty told her, “Look, when you meet the king, be on the safe side: don’t tell him you’re Jewish.”

“Nu, vu den?” [what then?] said Esther. “My name’s Esther, and yours is Mordecai. It’s not like we can pass for Irish.”

“I dunno. Say you’re Presbyterian. And for God’s sake, don’t show him your Lord & Taylor gift certificate!”

So, Esther played it cool, and soon enough she was queen of the land. And Uncle Mordecai visited Esther often. And he kept reminding her: “Remember, if you get your nails done more than three times a week, he’s gonna suspect.”

Mordecai even foiled an assassination attempt on the King by two of his servants. Morty warned Esther, Esther warned her husband, and the plotters were hanged. So Mordecai and Esther were doing fine…except: Esther was not the King’s chief advisor. That position went to a fellow in the Amalak tribe, a man by the name of Haman (spins grogger). Yes, Haman (spins grogger). Haman was a motherf — (spins grogger). A wicked man. A vain man. As the King’s Henry Kissinger, he expected everyone to bow down to him, including Esther’s Uncle Mordecai. But Morty said, “Sorry, I will not bow to you. I bow only before God and my proctologist. And at least God trims His fingernails.”

This got Haman (spins grogger) so mad, he craved revenge not only on Mordecai—who I guess he didn’t realize was Esther’s uncle—but all the Jews in the kingdom. So he drew lots. In fact, he drew lots and lots of lots to determine which day all of the Jews in Persia should be annihilated. And by the way, the word “Purim” means “lots” in old Persian.

Anyway, it turns out that astrologically, the 14th of Adar was the most salubrious day. He actually looked in the horoscope in the Persian Post. It said, “You will make many short-term enemies. Don’t mind them! It’s a great day for a holocaust. However, your love life is still dormant and will remain so for some time. Don’t wear purple.”

Haman (spins grogger) then went to the King and told him all these terrible lies about the Jews: “Oy, they own the media! Oh, they have undue influence calling for a war with Mesopotamia! Oh, they’re ruining Michael Jackson’s career!” All these horrible slanders which the King believed. His Highness, never one to turn down the opportunity for some bloodletting, went along with his advisor’s plan for genocide.

Mordecai heard this and went meshuggah, crying and screaming and tearing his clothes and warning that all the Jews were gonna die. Esther got wind of it and told him, “Calm down. Tell everybody to fast for three days. Pray for me. Pray for all of us.”

She was nervous because a queen isn’t allowed to summon a king. It’s an offense punishable by—you got it—wifeicide. But after the fast, Esther goes to the King and invites him to a big banquet. Typical man, he hears the word “food,” and he’s thrilled to be alive. So they have the feast, and the King notices Mordecai there. So does Haman (spins grogger). The King is then reminded that Mordecai once saved his tuchas. So before evil Haman (spins grogger) can ask the King to kill Mordecai, the King tells him to dress Mordecai like a royal hero and lead him through the streets in a parade. Gritting his teeth, Haman (spins grogger) does what he’s told.

The next night, another banquet, and this time, Esther says the magic words, “Guess who married a Jew? You! And guess what else. There’s a guy in your employ who wants to murder me and all my tribe.”

“Who?” says the KIng. “That Chief of Homeland Security?”

“No,” replied Esther. “Your closest advisor. You know his name. It starts with an `h.’ It’s not Hubert. It’s…HAMAN!” (spins grogger)

Well, that did it for the Haymaster; he was hung on the same gallows he had built for Mordecai. And all ten sons of Haman (spins grogger) were hung. A couple were well-hung, but that’s something different. Mordecai was made prime minister and given a directive that the Jews could defend themselves against anyone who tried to vanquish them.

It all happened on the 14th day of the month of Adar—Purim day. A day the Jews could have been butchered but instead were spared and celebrated. So Mordecai declared it an annual feast day, which over the years has come to include lots of drinking and wearing costumes and masks.

Mordecai also started the custom of giving money to the poor and giving gifts of food and candy, called “shalach manos,” to our neighbors. That’s why it’s different from Halloween; the kids go door to door giving people treats rather than taking. No wonder they grow up cranky.

But seriously, in the synagogue we read the story of Esther, called “The Megillah,” first word to last. We dance around, and, as you’ve heard, make a tremendous amount of noise when we hear the name of that megillah gorilla…Haman! (spins grogger) It’s to blot out his name, to erase him from our thoughts and from our history. Esther and Mordecai, however, are among the most beloved figures in Jewish lore, which leads me to this limerick:

There once was a hero named Mordecai
An upstanding mensch, and a sporty guy
His clever instruction
saved Jews from destruction
and gave them permission to fortify!

And now, get your singing caps on! Time for a little music. A tune I came up with, if you want to sing along. I love the title: “Don’t Mess with Us.”

“If you try to kill the Jews

here’s a little piece of news

God will stop you and he’ll drop you dead instead.

He got Hitler, He got Haman

and a dozen I’m not namin’

So don’t mess with the Jews `cause you’ll lose.

If your aim is genocide

then you better run and hide

`cause HaShem will turn the tide until you drown

Every exile and pogrom

we’ve emerged triumphant from

`cause the Lord is our sword and our drum.

So if you’re a neo-Nazi

and you think you’re hotsy-totsy

or you’re blowing up civilians on a bus

You had best leave us alone

or we’ll hora on your bones

You’ll be stuck, Chuck, so don’t muck with us.

So listen here, you goyim,

every girl and every boyim

anti-Semitism brings you only tears

`cause HaShem is in our corner

He will make your mom a mourner

For the sake of your kids

be a friend to the Yids

Treat us nice, treat us well

or you’ll barbecue in hell

It’s been like this for 5,000 years.

Yagadagadagadee badabaaay

buh buh buh buh bum

Yoyboybaybay daybaybayba

yubuhbuhbuh bum. Hoi!”

So, yes, on this holiday I’m here to spread some joy, to celebrate this merry holiday with music and humor and my basic undercurrent of rage. No, I’m kidding. You can’t get upset on Purim; it’s a wonderful day! And it’s a bigger deal in Eretz Yisroel than it is here. Everyone gets into the spirit. A nice boychick who was in Israel last Purim wrote on his website, “It’s a nationally celebrated party, and everyone is invited! Indeed, it is not uncommon to see rabbits, angels, and Harry Potters sitting at the bus stop or wandering around the supermarket. Nor is it unusual to pass by wizards, policemen, or monsters in the street without a second thought. At one carnival extravaganza, there were flamethrowers, singers and dancers, and I’m sure there were also the ultimate Jewish lifeline, jokes:

The year is 2015 and the situation is grim. The earth’s ozone layer has eroded to where the ice caps are melting and the entire world is about to flood. All the major religions call enclaves on how to lead the people through the crisis. The Pope issues a statement that Catholics should write out a long confession and beg Jesus for salvation. The Protestant church urges its follows to eat only vegetables and cleanse themselves for the final judgment. The Muslim clerics order their people to fast all day and pray from morning to night. The head rabbis argue for an hour. And then they immediately start giving lessons on how to live underwater.

That’s what it’s all about for us: survival. Belief, but pragmatism. Prayer and practicality.

I want to wish you all a Purim sameach [happy].A glorious springtime. May we all have peace—or at least a great piece of hamentaschen. This is Rabbi Sol Solomon saying shalom oovrachah from every one of me to every one of you.

Dave’s Gone By #12 (12/22/2002): YULE LOGORRHEA

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Here is the 12th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired live on WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 22, 2002.

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Featuring: Dave’s anti-Christmas Christmas show, featuring the satirical News Gone By, a visit from Lady Miss Ida Mae Roosevelt, Rabbi Sol Solomon’s version of The 12 Days of Xmas, and Dave’s poem, Three Nights Before Xmas.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:04:00 NEWS GONE BY
00:14:00 SKIT: Lady Miss Ida’s Christmas Show
00:30:00 SONG: The Twelve Complaints of Christmas (Rabbi Sol Solomon)
00:43:00 POEM: “Three Nights Before Christmas” (Dave)
00:51:00 SONG: “Twelve Months of Dave’s Gone By” (Dave)

December 22, 2002 Playlist: “Jesus Gonna Be Here” (Tom Waits, 33:00), “I’m a Christmas Tree” (Dr. Demento & Wild Man Fischer, 36:00), “Silent Night” (Tiny Tim), “Silent Night/7 O’Clock News” (Simon & Garfunkel), “Get Right with God” (Lucinda Williams), “Jerusalem” (Steve Earle), “Carol for the Planet” (Susan Mazer & Dallas Smith), “Twelve Days of Christmas” (Rabbi Sol Solomon), “Three Nights Before Christmas” & “Twelve Months of Dave’s Gone By” (51:00) (Dave).

Dave’s Gone By #8 (11/24/2002): CHANUKAH ROCKS

Here is the 8th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired live on WGBB-AM, radio Nov. 24, 2002.

host: Rabbi Sol Solomon, spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches, Great Neck, NY

Featuring: Special Chanukah episode guest hosted by Rabbi Sol Solomon. Features: News for Jews and The Dreidel Game. w. J.P.

00:01:00 Guest Host Rabbi Sol Solomon
00:07:00 NEWS FOR JEWS
00:21:00 SKIT: The Dreidel Game w/ Rabbi Rothenberg
00:54:00 Exit the Rebbe

November 24, 2002 Playlist: “The Dreidel Song” (from “Chanukah at Home”), “Rock of Ages” (Mark Cohn), “Chanukah Song” (Adam Sandler).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S APOCRYPHA #1 (10/6/2002): Women’s Issues

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S APOCRYPHA #1 (10/6/2002): Women’s Issues

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aired Oct. 6, 2002 on Dave’s Gone By. Listen: https://davesgoneby.net/?p=69748 Listen to full episode: https://davesgoneby.net/daves-gone-by-1-10602-first-things-first/

Shalom! Shalom oovrachah! I’m Rabbi Sol Solomon from Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. A special “hello” to my congregation, the Couples Club, the Kiddush Club, the Staten Island Mortuary Club, and to all listeners of all faiths!

First, I would like to say how grateful I am to David Lefkowitz for having me on to inaugurate his wonderful show. I think it’s a great thing for Long Island, a great thing for the radio station…I’m still not sure if it’s good for the Jews, but we’ll see.

I’m especially glad to be here on the first program because the timing is so auspicious — just a week ago was the holiday, Simchas Torah, where Jews celebrate receiving the Bible directly from God. All year, every week in the synagogue, Jews read a small section of the Torah, week by week, until they finish the whole book. All five books! Then, since the Jews are never satisfied with their accomplishments, they start all over again. And this is the week they begin again, from Genesis, chapter one, verse one: “In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.” He should have stopped right there, but no, He had to go and create the rest of it. So we had animals and plant life and mosquitos and Adam and, God help us, Eve. Then, Cain and Abel. Then Cain kills Abel, goes off to the land of Nod and finds a wife, who must have been his sister, since the only two people in the world at this points are his parents.

Anyway, after that, everybody has a lot of kids. Jared begat Enoch, Enoch begat Methuselah, Methuselah begat Lamech and told him, “Son, I’ve begotten more than you will ever know.” And Abraham led a clean life and lived 930 years. The famous Methuselah lived 987 years — and he smoked and ate fried foods! And then, Noah was born, and that’s the end of the chapter.

So, what do we take from this story? What do we glean from it? Well, if you’re a man: don’t kill, don’t sin, and when God tells you something, pay attention. If you’re a woman: don’t talk to snakes, don’t marry your brother, and don’t play hard to beget.

Speaking of women, as many of you might know, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The sponsors of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, or, as I’d like to call them, “Boob Watch,” estimate that this year more than 200,000 new cases of breast cancer are expected to hit women in America. And it’s my personal guess that 190,000 will be in Long Island alone. We’re all living in a swamp, there are power lines inside our houses, microwave ovens carry C-SPAN now — dammit, children are being born with extra noses!

So, if you’re a woman living on Long Island, your boobs are Ground Zero! Therefore, let’s get the firemen out of the damn building and prevent a Nipple Nine-Eleven.

Now, my wife, the lovely Rebbetzin, was supposed to be here doing this segment. But this was her poker night. So I’m going to have to pinch hit for her on this (or “pinch-tit,” as it were). October 18th is National Mammography Day. Go to your doctor, he’ll do the machine, he’ll squash you like latkes, and then you won’t worry. Or, as I like to say, if you want naches, smash your knockers.

Aside from the mammograms, the American Cancer Society recommends that women examine their boobs once a month. If you have an unpredictable period — say, an exclamation point — do the exam the same time every month. If you’re pretty regular, do the test a couple of days after your period. If you’re post-menopausal, you probably had dinner at three o’clock, went to sleep at five, and you’re not even listening.

Okay, how to do a self-breast examination. I call it “the Cream of Wheat maneuver,” because we’re looking for lumps, changes, and thickenings.

First things first: the best way to do it is lying down or in the shower. In fact, that’s the best way to do a lot of things. But today, we’re just gonna do it standing up listening to the radio. Are you ready ladies? Shirts off, bras off, girdles off, piercings out! If you can, face a mirror. Men: you can follow along at home or daven — whatever you wanna do.

Now, please, ladies, no cheating. You must examine your own boobs. If you’re a woman and you’re touching another woman’s boobs, please stop…and send the Polaroids to me, Rabbi Sol Solomon, care of this radio st — naw, I’m just teasing. Engineer? A little Walk Down Mammary Lane music, if you please.

Okay. Place your right hand in the air, and wave it like you just don’t care — except you do care, because if there’s a malignancy, you’re screwed. Now, look in the mirror at your breasts. Are there two of them? If not, you’ve probably already seen a doctor. If you have both gazongas, we move to step two. Hold your right hand up and use the fingers of your left hand — not the fingertips — use the flat part to circle and massage, working from the armpit down. Let’s try that, shall we? (hums a Hebraic ditty) This is fun!

Now, we’re looking for any kind of irregularities: bumps, lumps, puckering. You also want to squeeze the nipples and look for a discharge. With me, together! And…squeeze! Squeeze the etrog! Squeeze, dammit! Squeeze!

Good, now, right hand down, left hand up, same as before, and…rub! Rub! Feel the burn! Apply light pressure, then heavier pressure, then more pressure still. Squeeze! And squeeze! Squeeze the etrog, squeeze!

All right, very good, very good! Now, we’re gonna loosen up. We’re gonna let `em go, and we’re gonna shake them out a little bit. A little shaking-out music, if you please. We’re gonna give `em a good bounce! Shake like a lulav in a hurricane!

Very good. Now, if you found anything unusual in or on or around or under or over or next door to your boobs, please, go to your doctor. Chances are more than likely it’s benign. Of course, they’ll have to do a horrible, painful biopsy to tell you this, but, hey, for peace of mind, it’s worth it.

And, men, although it’s very rare, males can develop something called gynecomastia, a non-cancerous breast disease that still needs to be treated. Here’s a little poem about it:

There was a young rabbi from Brest

who found a small lump in his chest

It turned out benign

In fact, it was fine

Except for the trousers he messed.

Well, I see by the old sand dial on the console that it’s time to turn things back over to Dave. I wanna wish you all a terrific and healthy week. Be tolerant of your neighbors, and be good to yourselves. On behalf of myself, my dear wife Miriam Libby, and our children: Nechemiah, Josiah, Shloime, Chanah, Rivki, Yehuda, Moishe, Yechezkiel, Boruch, Avigdor, Yisroel, Hepzibah, Shaul, Aliza, Shimon, Gedaliah, Naftuli, and Fred (by my first marriage), this is Rabbi Sol Solomon saying shalom oovrachah, from every one of me to every one of you.