Here is the 61st episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM Jan. 19, 2004. More info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz Featuring: Dave Goes Off on turning 40 and on working overtime. Plus: The satirical News Gone By and “The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.”
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN: Turning the Big 4-0. 00:14:00 DAVE GOES OFF: Wages, Overtime, and being quartered and half-dollared in America 00:42:00 NEWS GONE BY: Braun Bows Out; Palestinian Mommy; Punishing Mepham; Fingerbang; Dr. Death; Zoloft; The Governator; Pink Steel; Oui Starbucks; Taco Belle; Kodakrime; Doggy Dancing; Not in My Neighborhood; Roostie (Bad Pun of the Week); Jed Petrick Steps Down; Tabooed; Ted Nugent’s Leg; Bethany Hamilton’s Arm; Death Count 500. 01:20:00 DAVE GOES OUT: Birthday songs & thanks.
January 19, 2004 Playlist: “Tojojo” (Oysten Sewag & Lakki Patey); “The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald” & “Ben Gazzara” (Dave, unreleased); “Kodachrome” ({live}; Simon & Garfunkel); “In My Life” (Judy Collins).
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.
Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD
by David Lefkowitz
The story did play on News 12 and Newsday and it filled up the old Nassau Herald How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore On an affluent part of Long Island They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.
Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy Such a virile and athletic laddie Like others his age, he thought sports the rage And he tried to be just like his daddy.
It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team As a junior varsity halfback But some other players gave him arrogant stares He became their continual laughtrack.
He played right along, and he tried to be strong To show he had no trepidation It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps And he longed for the team’s validation.
He managed all right until one summer night When the team went to north Pennsylvania As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks as if gripped by a furious mania.
With nary a sound and no coaches around The older kids pummeled the juvies They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor And then squealed like the guy in the movies.
Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come When the new guys were forced to get naked The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin! If you wanna be one of us, take it!”
The torture began all according to plan With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik “You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”
When that part was fun, they continued the fun Of pine cone and golf ball inserting. The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped And the feces and blood began spurting.
The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned If they told any parents or teachers. But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed You could see the red stains from the bleachers.
The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped And the town became crazed and divided A few sent regrets, the others—death threats Till lawyers and cops were provided.
The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried From the extra-large width of his bottom.
So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge Of how innocent boys were imperiled. The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald. The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.