parody – Dave's Gone By

SONG: The Pain of Hemophilia

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Dave’s Gone By Song (7/18/2026): THE PAIN OF HEMOPHILIA

A Swiftian parody about a bloody pain.

This segment airs July 18, 2026 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

TRANSCRIPT:

THE PAIN OF HEMOPHILIA

(sung to the music of “The Fate of Ophelia” by Taylor Swift, Max Martin, and Shellback)

I’m in the workshop
Hear a knife drop
Go to pick it up the wrong way
I grab the sharp side
I feel the blade slide
And the artery start to spray

And then I’m calling 9-1-1
Because I fear my days might be done

I’m wrapping towels around my thumb
My nose, my toe
Nothing’s gonna stop that red flow

All my life is pain and trouble
I should be in a bubble
`cause I’ve got hemophilia

Oh, a drip becomes a geyser
And there’s no stabilizer
`Cause I’ve got hemophilia

Keep a tight bandage on your hand
your face, your lip
Just in case those places open up and drip

First I see a tiny dot
And then a lot
It looks like I’ve been shot
`cause I cannot clot:
I’ve got hemophilia.

I’ve no illusions that these transfusions
Are gonna spare me from the worst
And if I should break a bone
Why, just the fall alone
Will cause the vein in my brain to burst
Because my blood lacks Factor 8
That means I’ll never coagulate
Every time I see a drop I mop the glop
pleading for the bleeding to stop

`Cause in case you have forgotten
my blood won’t do no clottin’
`cause I have hemophilia

Oh, you best get a container
`cause I’m a leaky veiner
Yeah, I’ve got hemophilia

I have a compress on my head, it’s red, I bled,
Such a ton of blood I shed
I should be dead

Every day is an ordeal, for real, I feel
I’d be Dracula’s most satisfying meal
I hate hemophilia

I wish that I had normal blood
So deep and rich and thick as mud
I’d live my life with little fear
and give to Red Cross twice a year
I wouldn’t be afraid to fall
I’d skate and ski and do it all
And, yes, I know, that’s just a dream
Instead I’m stuck with my bloodstream

My existence is infernal
`cause I can bleed internal
from deadly hemophilia

Any stumble becomes tragic
If I go hemorrhagic
The fate of hemophilia

I’m afraid to break a sweat
a hip, a bone
I can’t even be alone without regret

Have to live my life afraid
and near first aid
Every cut is a cascade when you can’t evade
The fate of hemophilia.

Can someone put me on chemo for hemophilia?

Dave’s Gone By Song: THE FIRST TIME EVER

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Dave’s Gone By Song (6/27/2026): THE FIRST TIME EVER

A song celebrating the physical side of romance.

This segment airs June 27, 2026 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

SONG: The First Time Ever

(sung to the melody of Ewan MacColl’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”)

The first time ever I rode your face

I felt your tongue move on my gland

So I shoved both balls

Deeply in your mouth

And I came at your command, my love

The first time

ever I rimmed with you

I felt your farts stinging my eyes

But I held your hips

And I moved my lips

While my tongue you fertilized,

my love

And the first time ever I fisted you

I lost my class ring

in your crevasse

But I fit my arm

And my elbow, too

Till you screamed,

“You own my ass!”, my love

The first time

Ever I rode

Your face

Your face.

SONG: Don’t Bugger Me

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DON’T BUGGER ME

(Sung to the melody of The Beatles’s “Don’t Bother Me” by George Harrison)

The judge said, “Hey, you’ll have to pay, you did the crime.”
I’m in the pen with many men all doing time.
So go away, leave me alone
Don’t bugger me.

I live in fear `cause people here are queer and black
They look so tough I know they’d roughly stuff my crack
So put away your throbbing bone
Don’t bugger me.

I’m crying nightly without hope
I hold on tightly to my soap
Because I know if I bend low
That’s where these friends will go

Yes, I am cowed by this whole crowd so well-endowed
One of these weeks they’ll spread my cheeks and I’ll get plowed
Don’t make me share my derrière
Don’t bugger me

So get a life, I’m not your wife
Don’t bugger me

Although my butt is firm and cute
I don’t want sperm in my poop chute
Because my ass is just a vent
For gas and excrement

It’s fair to say men locked away still have a need
But if they jump upon my rump, I’ll scream and bleed
So listen here, steer clear of my rear
Don’t bugger me
Don’t bugger me
Don’t bugger me
Don’t bugger me

****************************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
[April 2026]: Another song that came to me partially one late afternoon, marinated in me overnight, and then got finished and recorded the next day (April 9, 2026, to be exact). I’m proud(?) to say this is my 14th Beatles parody yet not the first to reference sodomy (cf. “Chester’s Gay”). I think the “plowed” rhyme is my favorite, followed by “I’m not your wife.” Note – `twas only during the recording process that I hit upon adding Ned Beatty’s “Deliverance” squeals during the karaoke instrumental, which I believe takes the tune to a whole other, even lower, level.

SONG: Mr. Poodangles

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A ballad about a man in distress.

Song scheduled to air April 22, 2023, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2023 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

MR. POODANGLES

(Note: Sung to melody of Jerry Jeff Walker’s “Mr. Bojangles”)

I met a man, Poodangles, in a portajohn
And he was in pain
He said that he’d been sittin’ there all afternoon
Dead-tired from the strain

He started to cry
I asked him why
And then he explained

“When I was young so long ago, I ate some beef
That stuck in my gut,
And ever since I’ve been backed up with no relief
it’s ruptured my butt.”  The poor man did shout,
“It’s half in, half out.
And my anus won’t shut.”

Mr. Poodangles, Mr. Poodangles, Mr. Poodangles:
Squeeze.

He said he spent ten thousand bucks on Dulcolax
and all kinds of lube
But still he’s got a wad of turd that won’t go back
or drop from his tube

Lamenting his trials
He kneels on the tiles
Then he shows me his piles

Mr. Poodangles, Mr. Poodangles, Mr. Poodangles:
Pinch.

The last time I saw `dangles he was skin and bones
but still on the bowl
Sore and sad and bleedin’ bad and all alone
with his unwholesome hole

And yet he still pushed
On his mush
But it clung to his tush

They tell me Poo was buried in the portaloo
His final request
They sent him off with flowers and a Charmin roll
And all the towels he messed

And when the earth dropped
Everyone stopped…
Did they hear a “plop”?

Mr. Poodangles. Mr. Poodangles. Mr. Poodangles.
Rest.

Dave’s Gone By Song: HELLO COVID (A Letter from Cramps)

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Dave Lefkowitz sings the song, “Hello Covid.”

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(with apologies to Ponchielli and Allan Sherman)

Segment airs Aug. 29, 2020, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program/podcast hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Song (4/21/2018): CHESTER’S GAY

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A coming-out song about things going in.

Note: contains adult themes.

Song airs March 17, 2018, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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Chester’s Gay

CHESTER’S GAY

(lyrics by David Lefkowitz. Melody: John Lennon and Paul McCartney’s “Yesterday”)

 Chester’s gay
Came out to his parents yesterday
Now he needs a place to hide away
They can’t believe that Chester’s gay

They can’t see
he’s been hiding objects anally
And removing them quite painfully
Aw, Chester’s gay as a cucumber tree

He’ll go out to bars
and he’ll throw the night away
Then he’ll sit in cars and he’ll blow
Because he’s gay (gay gay gay)

Chester’s gay
And I don’t just mean he’s gay for pay
He’s a donut puncher all the way
Oh, why did Chester turn that way?

Mom and dad,
They don’t want to see their son as bad
But their Christian faith is ironclad
So now they’re feeling oh so sad.

He’ll fly to the Keys
where he’ll please a host of boys
Down on hands and knees
he will squeeze their greased-up toys (toys toys toys)

Chester’s queer
He puts massive objects in his rear
Too bad mom and dad are so severe
`cause it’s so clear that Chester’s gay.

Mm hmm hmm hmm
Chester’s gay.

********************* 
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
Backed by a karaoke instrumental of “Yesterday” and sprinkled with soundbites like “Hoowah!” and Harvey Fierstein cooing “I just love boys,” the song debuted on the March 31, 2018 episode of Dave’s Gone By.

—> https://youtu.be/fEgITaCet-w
—> https://davesgoneby.net/daves-gone-by-song-3-31-18-chesters-gay/

Dave’s Gone By Song (2/26/2018): OFF COLOUR

A song for, and about, young and old. Sung to the melody of Donovan’s “Colours.”

Song airs March 3, 2018, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2018 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Song (2/16/2018): AR-15

Expelled from his high school, Nikolas Cruz returned on Valentine’s Day, 2018, to shoot 32 people, killing 17. Here’s his song.

Song scheduled to air Feb. 17, 2018, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

(c)2017 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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Dave’s Gone By Song (8/27/2017): I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE)

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Sung by Rabbi Sol Solomon to the melody of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.”
Song aired Sept. 2, 2017, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: www.shalomdammit.com

I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE)

(sung to the melody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred’s Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass, and Rob Manzoli)

“I’m too Jewish to be healthy

Too Jewish to be healthy

And damn,

I’m not even wealthy.”

I’m too sexy for my prostate

Too sexy for my prostate

It hurts

IT HURTS

I’m too hot for high blood pressure

Too hot for high blood pressure

But do I

have it?

Yessir.

I’m too cute to have arthritis

Too cute to have arthritis

And chronic

Bursitis

I’m a Rabbi with a distended spleen

And I moan in discomfort at the doctor

Yeah, at the doctor

At the doctor

Who’s not even on my HMO (the bastard!)

I’m too sexy for glaucoma

Too sexy for glaucoma

And yet

I’ve got

Glaucoma

I’m too sexy for skin cancer

Too sexy for skin cancer

And yet

There’s me-

lanoma

I got GERD, which is a reflux disease

And I suffer burning diarrhea

Yeah, diarrhea

Diarrhea

Yeah I shake my aching tush with diarrhea

I’m too sensual for strep
Too sensual for strep

But do I

Have it?

Yep.

I got gout, and my foot’s turning green

And I’m paying extra for a CAT scan

Yeah, a CAT scan

Oy, a CAT scan

I’m gonna take another turn under the CAT scan.

Still, my doctor says I’m fine

The doctor says I’m fine

I say, the quack

Is lyin’

Every day I’m feeling worse

My body is a curse

You’ll find me lying in Baron Hirsch

I’m too Jewish to survive!

Dave’s Gone By Song (7/9/2016): DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS

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Dave sings his socio-political ditty, “Deep in the Heart of Dallas.”

Song originally aired July 9, 2016, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS

Oh the moon shone bright on a hot July night
Deep in the heart of Dallas
The crowd turned out to holler and shout
Deep in the heart of Dallas

They came in peace to protest police
Deep in the heart of Dallas
`Cause if you’re brown, you’ll get shot down
Pretty much anywhere, not just Dallas

Baton Rouge’s best shot a black in the chest
Deep in Louisiana
The gun was in his pocket, but the cops just said, “aw, fuck it!”
Deep in Louisiana

A few hours later in St. Paul, Minnesater
A guy and gal were drivin’
A zealous cop made them come to a stop
They thought that he was jivin’

The fuzz did shout, “Your taillight is out!
Let’s see your registration.”
He meant no harm, but he shot up the guy’s arm.
Which caused some consternation.

With two blacks dead all the people said,
“Out in the streets we’ll gather,
We’ll show the fuzz what a movement does:
Hashtag – Black Lives Matter.”

But one lone man had a bigger plan
Deep in the heart of Dallas
His name was Micah
And whites? He no like-ah
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Feelin’ low and mean with a full magazine
Deep in the heart of Dallas
He aimed real well, and the bodies fell
Deep in the heart of Dallas

A robot bomb blew his ass to kingdom come
Deep in the heart of Dallas
But not before he wounded seven more
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Now the cops hate blacks and the blacks hate them back
And nothing’s gonna stop it
And that is what we’re stuck with.
Each one thinks that the other one stinks
And boy, you better not fuck with.

The victims wail when the systems fail
Deep in the heart of America
It’s just another day in the good ol’ USA
Deep in the heart of America.