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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #188 (6/22/2024): THE NEW ARISTOCRATS JOKE

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #188 (6/22/2024): The New Aristocrats Joke

airs June 22, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By.

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for late June 2024.

Just like new plots for movies, there’s really no such thing as a “new” joke, just old jokes packaged in a different way. For example: Why did the fireman wear red suspenders? Because he was shopping at Kohl’s, and it was all they had — plus it was on clearance. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he heard all these people telling jokes about him and he got curious.

Old Manischewitz: new bottles. So here’s a naughty little joke called “The Aristocrats” that’s been around for decades. Gilbert Gottfried made it famous, and they even did a documentary about it. But I doubt you’ve heard my version.

A guy goes into a talent agent’s office, and he says, “Buddy, have I got an act for you!”

And the agent says, “Don’t waste your time. Novelty is dead. Nobody watches “Got Talent” anymore. I’m sorry, but — ”

“No, no, no,” says the guy. “This is huge. My family, my friends, strangers — it’s spectacular!”

“You’re wasting your time,” says the agent. “I’m not interested.”

“You will be!” says the guy. “Just gimme a chance. Please!”

The agent sighs and says, “All right, fine. Show me what you got.”

“Thank you!” says the guy. “It’s incredible, I promise!”

So the guy claps his hands, and shouts, “Allahu Akbar.” Suddenly thousands of Arabs appear. He blows a whistle, and the Arabs start attacking Israel. They’re firing rockets, they’re launching missiles, they’re hurling bombs and grenades.

Meanwhile, one group of Arabs go to an Israeli kibbutz where they’re having a music festival. And the Arabs start mowing down Jews with machine guns and rifles. They’re killing women, they’re hacking up children, dogs, pets, birds. And they’re shooting the men and then defiling the corpses and cutting off heads and pissing down the necks. Another group is taking hostages. And they’re torturing them, punching and kicking and stabbing and dragging and frogmarching them into tunnels.

And the women hostages are getting raped. Oh, they’re fucking these women with gun barrels and fists and korans. And they’re fucking the child hostages, too. They’re using dead kids as dildos to ass-fuck the live ones. So there’s blood and cum and baby teeth spraying every which way.

Meanwhile, the living hostages are dragged into daycares and hospitals and elementary schools, where the hidden Arabs are firing rockets and explosives to kill more Jews. This while thousands of other Arabs are butchering and killing and shitting on synagogues and smearing themselves with IDF soldier blood.

“But wait, there’s more!” says the guy to the talent agent. “That’s when all these college students come out and they run on campus with tents and banners and costumes. And they’re all screaming, `Death to Israel’ and `Free Gaza’ and `Stop the Palestinian Genocide’ while dancing around and crying and fucking each other even though they haven’t bathed in a month. And some of them break into hundred-year-old buildings and smash windows, trash furniture, crap on books. And then campus presidents come over, and they just watch. They don’t do anything; they just stand there like a 19th century French tableaux.”

But meanwhile the hostages are still dying in the tunnels, the Arabs are slaughtering every Jew in sight, the students are blocking highways, vandalizing Jewish homes, and jumping on subways to threaten anyone who looks like a kike. That’s when all these other countries around the world come in and start sanctioning Israel and banning Israelis from having passports. And the left-wing media applauds this and weeps for the refugees whose vote for a terrorist government started all this shit in the first place.

And meanwhile the terrorists murder and torture and rape and kill and kill and kill and kill in a ritual orgy of sadism, savagery, and Islamic frenzy.

With that, the guy in the office blows his whistle and says, “Well, what do you think?”

The talent agent sits for a minute and finally says, “Wow, that’s quite an act. By the way, what do you call yourselves?”

The college students all start cheering as the guy straightens himself up, Jewish blood still dripping from his sleeves, and says, “Hamas!”

Funny joke, ha? This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #184 (4/27/2024): A Passover Prayer

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #184 (4/27/2024): A Passover Prayer

airs April 27, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube video:

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for these last few days of Passover 2024.

A zissen Pesach my friends, and I hope you are having a fun holiday, with maximal contemplation and minimal constipation. Actually, this year is less likely to afflictus with intestinal binding than gastric reflux: we want to throw up at everything around us.

That’s why I’ve written this little prayer that you can append to your Haggadahs this Passover. It’s an appeal to God to get off his lazy tuchas and help us, just as he did in Egypt. He doesn’t have to show himself as a burning bush; he could set Ilhan Omar’s public hair on fire: same thing.

Anyway, here is a Prayer for late Pesach:

Blessed art thou, Oh Lord, our God. King of the Universe. (Or Queen, He can be gender-ridiculous). Blessed be He who sanctifies us with a holiday that deprives us of bread yet consoles us with Joyva Ring Jells; where we are scourged by horse radish, soothed by charoses, and confused by putting them together; and where we learn morality by letting a child hide the Afikoman and then rewarding him for thievery and blackmail.

Dear God, in these times of woe, when the land of Israel rages and Jew-haters have slithered from their cages, we implore thee to restore righteousness in the world. To vanquish our foes, as you did the Amalekites and the Canaanites, and sometimes the Monday nites. Oh Lord, protect the tiny nation of Eretz Yisroel and smite our enemies. For example:

May Hamas fighters see their tunnels turn to caskets, their caskets turned to dust, and their dust hoovered up by your ugliest cleaning lady.

May you lift the Palestinians up, up, up out of Israel and deposit them in a galaxy far, far away. Or at least Kuwait.

May Iraq get so fed up with Iran for being only one letter different, that the two blow each other to bits, which will be especially amusing to Jews named “Ira.”

May the United Nations vote to sanction itself out of existence and have to relinquish its New York headquarters to a Judaica superstore.

May every Western woman who supports the Arab world actually have to live, as a woman, in the Arab world.

May the marching students of Columbia and New York Universities be boiled in acid and then, ironically, fail their chemistry exams.

May the idiots posting anti-Zionist misinformation on TikTok be forced to use Dos dial-up just to get WiFi.

May the members of “Queers for Palestine” be bent over and their assholes stuffed with razor wire. And AIDS.

May every troglodyte who scrawls “Death to Israel” in graffiti on a public edifice be given a 1972 station wagon and forced to circle the building eternally looking for parking.

May every Arab who danced a jig on October 7th have their legs hacked off and fed to starving woodchucks, and may those marmots come back while the cripples are sleeping and vomit in their mouths.

May every Jew who betrays Israel in favor of “Palestine” be forced to eat matzoh made of ground glass and soaked in rat poison. In thy mercy.

And may whoever becomes President of the United States live four more years — and that’s a stretch right there — to see Israel triumph, her children multiply, her enemies divide and die, and her friends figure out a way to make even a bacon cheeseburger Kosher for Passover.

V’yimeru, Amen.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #181 (1/13/2024): New Jokes

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #180 (1/11/2024): New Jokes

airs Jan. 13, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk70q6FrnN8

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection to start the new year. A week or so after the new year.

What better way to get 2024 rolling than to have you, my beloved acolytes, rolling in the aisles with hilarious punch lines? I will share with you some Jewish jokes — brand new! written by yours truly! Or, if you hate them, written by Jo Koy.

Please note that if you are politically correct or take offense easily, these jokes are not for you. Then again, what jokes are?

Joke number one: Two Arabs are shopping for prayer rugs at a giant bazaar in Jerusalem. A little Jewish shop owner comes out and says, “Please! We have the best rugs! You must see!”

The Arabs are skeptical — what does this Jewish merchant know about prayer mats? — but they say, “Sure. What’ve you got?”

The salesman rolls out two small rugs and says, “My brother and I, we don’t sell any old schmattes like the others places. These are magical flying carpets.”

“Oh, come on,” the Arabs say.

“No, please! These were woven by the purest virgins and blessed by the highest Imams in all of Turkey and Iran. Sit!”

So the first Arab kneels on the carpet and waits. And waits. He says, “It’s nice, but it’s not flying.”

“Oh,” says the Jew. “That’s because you haven’t said the secret words. You have to think really hard of a phrase that has meaning to you. Whisper those words into the carpet. Then, when you’re ready, shout the phrase as loud as you can, and you will take flight!”

The Arab rolls his eyes. But then he shrugs, thinks a moment, leans forward, and whispers into the fringes of the rug.

“Get in position!,” calls the merchant. “And scream it out!”

The Arab takes hold and yells, “Free Palestine!” Suddenly, a big wind starts up, and the carpet rises off the ground, two feet, three feet, ten feet in the air. “This is incredible!” says the Arab. “Ahmed, you have to try it!”

His friend gets on the other carpet, whispers to it, then sits up and yells, “Death to Israel!” Another wind gust comes, and his carpet goes five feet, ten feet, fifteen feet high.

“How do I go up like him?” says the first Arab.

“You can both go much higher,” calls the Israeli. “You just have to close your eyes, concentrate, and keep shouting your secret words over and over.”

“Race you to the sky!” says Ahmed, as both Arabs close their eyes, think real hard, and start screaming, “Free Palestine!” “Death to Israel!” “Free Palestine!” “Death to Israel!” Both carpets go higher and higher: 30 feet, 50 feet, 70 feet off the ground.

The shop owner’s brother comes out from behind the counter and says, “Shmuley, should I do it now?”

“Nah,” says Shmuley. “Wait till they’re 100 feet up. Then turn off the blowers.”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? Well, first of all, if a person wants to believe something strongly enough, he or she or they will put aside rational judgment and go with it. This not only explains religion, and how we all worship to fairy stories written thousands of years ago, but it’s the reason we leave the house without an umbrella, even after the weatherman’s warned us: 60 percent chance of rain. We think: “It’s not gonna rain the ten minutes I’m outside.” It will, it does, you’re soaked.

Next joke: an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Palestinian all die and find themselves at the gates of hell. The Englishman peeks in for a moment and says, “Well, it seems rather unpleasant, but so long as I can have my afternoon tea and spend the evening watching telly, I should get by all right.”

The Frenchman opens the gate of hell, wanders around a bit, then storms back, saying, “Mon dieu! Zis is an outrage! Ze heat, ze hard work! Soon as I can, I am starting ze labor union and everyone goes on strike!”

Finally, it’s the Palestinian’s turn. He takes a deep breath, throws open the gates, stomps in, and marches straight up to the devil. Then he says, “Honey, I’m home!”

This joke does not play well on college campuses, but then again, I do not play well on college campuses. They see me as a brutal colonizer, which is unfair. I’ve had many brutal colonics, but that’s not what they mean.

Anyway, these are difficult and ridiculous times for Jews everywhere. Our enemies surround us, sometimes they are us, and many are so naive they think they’re helping us by helping our enemies. As I said: ridiculous times. The best way to muddle through is to laugh — sometimes through gritted teeth.

Hey, how many Hamas militants can you stuff into an open grave?

I don’t know, but I sure hope we find out.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/daves-gone-by-skit-rabbi-sol-solomons-rabbinical-reflection-181-1-13-2024-new-jokes-lefkowitz/

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #104 (8/3/2014): Great Guns in Gaza

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #104 (8/3/2014): Great Guns in Gaza

aired Aug. 2, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/aNHPRoAQWFc

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of August 3rd, 2014.

If you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned. If you keep throwing gasoline on that fire, you’re gonna get burned blacker than the New York Knicks in a lunar eclipse. Or, put another way, if you beat up your wife ten times, each time she will forgive you, she’ll wear a band-aid and concealer, and she’ll live in fear until the next flare up. But on the eleventh time, if you haven’t killed her yet, she’s gonna call a friend of a friend named Nunzio, and, for a fee, he will relocate you – to the middle of the East River.

It’s the law of “enough is enough.” If you are the nation of Israel, and surrounding your borders are a people who have sworn to drive you into the sea . . . These people fire rockets, indiscriminately and daily, into your heimat. If you’re Israel, you tolerate a dozen rockets, a hundred rockets, a thousand fakakteh rockets that usually land in the middle of nowhere, thank God. But rocket number 1,001? It’s time to pull your Incredible Hulk costume out of the closet and kick some ass.

Three weeks ago, as I’m sure you recall, three innocent Jewish teenagers were slaughtered when they hitchhiked a little too far into Gaza. This was not just another act of violence – you know, like Saturday night in Chicago – this was a flashpoint. It was the moment the Israeli government could say, “You know what? We give the Palestinians the Gaza Strip in exchange for peace, and they give us our teenagers back in pieces. Enough with their rockets, enough with the terrorism, enough with the bullshit about Hamas being a legitimate political organization; it’s time to open up a can of whoop-tuchas on this enemy that means us only harm and destruction. Bring it.”

In my previous Rabbinical Reflection, which I’m sure you’ve nearly memorized and put on flash cards for easy reference, I urged the IDF to take action in Gaza. To avenge the death of those boys and give the camel jockeys payback for years of tears, fears and jeering Emirs. I am thrilled, therefore, that Benjamin Netanyahu gathered up his army into a white-and-blue fist, and they’ve been pounding the Gaza goons ever since.

Dead civilians? Unfortunate casualties? For sure, and what a shame. It’s called collateral damage, and every war has `em. And the Arab teenager that Israeli extremists abducted and killed in retaliation? No one’s proud of that. I’ll even go as far as saying that Israel hasn’t gone out of its way every single time to make sure they’re only blowing up militants and not bystanders two feet away from militants. But when did the Arabs ever make a distinction between soldiers and regular folk? Bombs on buses? Shrapnel in cafes? Mass murders of Olympic athletes and commercial airplanes slamming into the tallest buildings in New York? It’s a good thing I’m not an army General, because I’d napalm every speck of Gaza with a tent on it.

And where does American stand in all this? It’s honestly hard to tell. Barack Obama and John Kerry are talking the left-wing, liberal talk of “stop the fighting now, it’s a humanitarian crises, Israel and Hamas need to cease fire immediately and sit down at the table because there’s wrongs on both sides” – all the typical crybaby blah-blah that negates the basic fact that Israel tends to be in the right 90 percent of the time.

However, words and actions are entirely different things, especially in diplomacy. And for all the handwringing blather as a sop to the “Democracy Now” crowd, the Obama administration has, until this point, watched from the sidelines and let Israel do what it has to do. Thank you, Mr. President. If our Secretary of State wants to appease the Muslims by making noises about how Israel is being too harsh and causing too much suffering to the poor, innocent Palestinians, no problem. Just give Yisroel time to collapse the tunnels, kill the killers and drag Hamas, begging and desperate, to the outhouse of surrender. By eliminating terrorists and religious fanatics, Israel is doing America favor after favor, and I honestly believe Obama and company realize that – no matter how many times Republican bloggers call him “Hussein” and make him sound like the love child of Josef Stalin and Ayatollah Khomeini.

It’s the nature of Israel that whenever we do strike back against those who oppress us, we have to apologize for killing more of them than they of us. When our missiles hit their targets, when 100 Palestinians die for every Israeli soldier, that’s unseemly somehow. It should be more balanced. We should die more just to ratchet up the sympathy vote. Sorry, Charlie. The goal is to weaken Hamas and make Israel safe from attack. If that means bombing Gaza back to the stone age, so be it. Besides, Arab children have proven quite skillful at throwing stones, so it’s right up their alley. Just don’t expect to throw stones at Jews anymore, because we will fire them right back at a hundred times the speed.

Go Israel! Go Bibi! And remember what Abba Eban said, “It is better to be disliked than pitied.” I’m both, but I’m beyond giving a crap.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27580