The 14th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 14. For his work on “30 Rock,” comedian Tracy Morgan was in London to be knighted by the queen. Unfortunately, right after the ceremony, Morgan begins suffering terrible maladies related to his near-fatal car accident.
They bring him to the Royal Hospital where he complains of dizziness and a burning sensation in his left hip.
The doctor examines Morgan for a few minutes and makes some brief notes on a chart, which he hands to the head nurse. But she stops him in the hall. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I don’t understand your notes,” she tells him.
The doctor says, “It’s simple. We put the patient in a spinning centrifuge to counteract his vertigo. Then we drain off some fluid from his hip to ease the inflammation. It’s all there on the chart.”
“Oh, now I get it!” gasps the nurse. “Spin Sir Tracy, and Catheter in Hip Burn.”
The 13th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 13. An old Asian tea maker took pride in teaching his culinary students a very special blend of his chai tea. The brew had a strong, delicious taste and an oddly delicate bouquet. No matter how his young students tried, even the best ones could not replicate the brew.
What the teacher couldn’t tell them was the real reason his tea had such a distinct flavor: every morning before school, he would wake up, take a dry loofa and scrape the wrinkly, dead skin off one of his buttocks and into the bag of leaves.
All goes fine until one day, a know-it-all student takes a sip of the old man’s signature tea. “Ugh,” says the boy, “when was this tea made, 1937?”
“What you talk about?” says the teacher, “is fresh, new tea!”
“New? This tastes ancient. I don’t wanna make old tea.”
“Old? Is not old! Made right now!”
“Is not!” counters the boy. “What kind of teacher are you?”
“I good teacher!” the old man yells, “and is new tea!”
“No, it isn’t,” says the boy, “I’m outta here.”
The kid turns to leave, but the teacher grabs him by the collar and hollers, “I good teacher! No Chai Old, Left Behind!”
click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 485th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Nov. 22, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with actor Chazz Palminteri. Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection (Murder in Jerusalem), Inside Broadway, The Wretched Pun of Destiny (Old Tea), Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (Rolling Thunder), Saturday Segues (Randy Newman, Thanksgiving Feast).
Guests: actor Chazz Palminteri, Dave’s wife, Joyce Weil
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN (Oofty’s Nuts, UNC’s perks, Waste Management Phoenix Open, winter blues, bad-news Bears, Boing!, bad Bard) 01:32:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Randy Newman 01:54:00 Sponsors 01:59:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Chazz Palminteri 02:31:00 Friends 02:36:30 INSIDE BROADWAY 03:02:00 THE WRETCHED PUN OF DESTINY #13 (Old Tea) 03:04:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later – Rolling Thunder 03:30:30 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #111 – Murder in Jerusalem 03:39:00 Weather 03:42:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Thanskgiving Feast 04:01:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Nov. 22, 2014 Playlist: “Laugh and Be Happy” (01:34:30), “Shining” (01:37:00), “Real Emotional Girl” (01:43:30) & “Losing You” (01:46:00; Randy Newman). “Have You Seen My Baby” (Chris Smither; 01:41:00). “Disc Jockey” (02:41:00; Mike Nichols & Elaine May). “Tonight, I’ll Be Staying Here with You” ({live 1975 version}, 03:09:00), “Isis” ({Live 1975 version}, 03:16:00) & “Sara” ({live 1975 version}, 03:21:00; Bob Dylan). “Mama, You’ve Been on My Mind” ({live} 03:13:00; Bob Dylan & Joan Baez). “A Lonely Grain of Corn” (03:43:00; Uncle Bonsai). “Pumpkin Soup” (03:46:30; Kate Nash). “Turkey in the Straw” (03:49:30; Neil Morris & Charlie Everidge). “Squash” (03:51:30; Townes Van Zandt). “Saving Grace” (03:53:30; The Cranberries). “Thank You Friends” (04:03:30; Big Star).
Here is the 484th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Nov. 15, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with singer-songwriter Daniel Cainer(The Jewish Chronicles); Inside Broadway; Saturday Segues (frozen, Bjork); The Wretched Pun of Destiny (Coppola); Dylan – Sooner & Later (Carnegie Hall); Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical reflection on Christmas in November.
Guests: actor-musician Daniel Cainer, Dave’s wife Joyce Weil
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce Weil – The Blackout 00:41:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Frozen 01:09:00 Sponsors 01:20:30 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Daniel Cainer 02:12:30 Friends 02:20:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (News (02:21:00), You Can’t Take it with You (02:39:00)) 02:53:00 THE WRETCHED PUN OF DESTINY – Coppola 02:56:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later – Carnegie Hall 03:20:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’s RABBINICAL REFLECTION #110 – Christmas in November 03:27:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Bjork 03:49:30 Weather 03:51:30 DAVE GOES OUT
Nov. 15, 2014 Playlist: “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out” (00:41:30; Bruce Springsteen). “Freeze” ({live}, 00:44:30; Robyn Hitchcock). “The Frozen Man” (00:49:30; James Taylor). “Frozen Warnings” (00:54:30; Nico w/ John Cale). “Frozen Jap” (00:59:30; Paul McCartney). “How We’re Blessed” (01:16:00), “Bad Rabbi” (01:28:30) & “Under the Table” (02:03:30; Daniel Cainer). “All the Wasted Time” (02:48:30; Parade, 1996 Broadway cast w/ Brent Carver & Carolee Carmello) “North Country Blues” ({live}, 03:00:00), “With God on Our Side” ({live}, 03:04:30) & “The Times They are A-Changin'” (03:11:00; Bob Dylan). “Hot Meat” (03:29:30; The Sugarcubes). (03:33:00), “Miovikudags” (03:38:00), “Frosti” (03:39:30) & “Bachelorette” ({live}, (03:41:00); Bjork). “Who Knows Where Time Goes” (03:53:30; Sylvie Simmons).
Daniel CainerBjorkRose Byrne & James Earl Jones in You Can’t Take it with YouFreezing
The 11th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 8, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 11. Legendary newscaster Edward R. Murrow stops at his favorite New York diner for dinner. He asks the waiter if there are any specials.
“Well,” says the old man, “it’s Passover, so we’re serving items tailored to our Jewish customers.”
“Like what?”
“Our most popular is matzoh brei, served with an entrée of roast chicken.”
“Sounds good,” says Murrow. “I’ll have it.”
After the Kosher meal, Murrow lays his payment and tip on the table, silently gets up and heads towards the door.
“Mr. Murrow,” the waiter calls after him. “I know you’re a man of few words, but don’t you have anything at all to say about your food?”
The newscaster thinks for a moment. Then, on his way out the door, he says, “good brei and good cluck.”
The 8th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Oct. 11, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 8. So the March of Dimes is having its annual fundraising push, and they come up with a contest where they get all these famous women in media to help raise money for the cause. The winner, who signs up the most pledges, gets to be that year’s fundraising “queen.” She’s flown to the annual meeting for a big ceremony, gets to wear a tiara, and even has a song written and sung about her.
All these famous women in media compete: Oprah, Ellen, Kathie Lee Gifford, Tina Fey, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric… And yet, surprisingly enough, the winner is Bloomberg Financial anchor Jane King. So they fly her to the big ceremony, make speeches, she gets to wear the tiara and, best of all, the one and only Bob Dylan is there to perform a song about her. What does he sing?
The 7th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Sept. 27, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
7. Neighbors are finally getting fed up with the new guy who moved into their suburban town.
Among his many eccentricities, he fertilizes his lawn once a month with raw garlic, which raises a stink that permeates the town for days. Worse, he’s got a brother in and out of jail, and whenever the felon’s on parole, he comes to visit the new guy and camps out on his front lawn in a ratty old tent.
Finally, the block association can take no more and beg the local police chief to arrest their new neighbor. “But on what charges?”, asks the cop. “Using smelly fertilizer and having a guest?”
“Absolutely!” says the neighborhood spokesman. Get him for: “Lawn Odor: Criminal in Tent.”
Segment aired Sept. 20, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
6. A food writer is compiling a book about the best cups of tea from all over the world. He sends a first draft to his editor, who writes back, “Great job. You’ve been to India, China, Sri Lanka, Russia – but I notice you haven’t been to Australia. You need to go and report on this incredible tea I’ve heard about that’s only served in one tiny shop in the western outback. We can’t do a proper book without it. I’ll extend your deadline, just get there asap.”
So the writer books a plane ticket for Australia where he winds up taking two trains, three puddle-jumpers and a rickshaw before reaching a tiny village. Worried that he’s been sent on a wild goose chase, the writer asks a woman at the local market if she’s heard of this fabled tea shop. “Oh, of course! Best tea in the world.”
“What makes it so special?” asks the writer, grabbing his notebook.
“Well, the shop is owned by Johnny Murphy, this Irish fella who moved here thirty years ago and has been making tea ever since.”
“Fine, but what’s so great about the tea itself?”
“It’s not just the leaves; it’s what happens to them. They grow high on these gum trees. And the koala bears climb all over them and chew on them making them really tender. That’s why no other leaves have their flavor.”
Intrigued, the writer asks the woman for directions to Murphy’s Tea Shop. After a three-mile trek, he arrives at this little hut where a burley, deeply suntanned Irishman stands at the counter.
“A cup of tea, please,” the writer orders.
Murphy nods and sets a kettle on the stove. He then produces a small teacup and a wee bag of brown leaves. He pours two heaping spoonfuls of dry leaves into the cup, and, when the water boils, sloshes the hot water into the tea. “Here you go,” he says, handing the writer the cup and a plain napkin.
The writer looks into the cup but isn’t particularly enthused. Though the beverage smells okay, visually it looks like muddy brown water, with twigs and dirt and dead things floating about. “Whatsamatter?” says the Irishman. “Too strong for ya?”
“No,” says the writer, making a face. “It’s just so unfiltered. Why don’t you use a strainer?”
“Sir,” gasps the owner, affronted. “The Koala Tea of Murphy Cannot Be Strained!”
Segment aired Sept. 6, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com *
5. At the end of World War II, an English madame sets up a brothel in Berlin, figuring to capitalize on all the western soldiers around. Unfortunately, the Yanks just find local girlfriends, and there are no German men with any money, so the brothel struggles terribly.
Worse, next door, a small German bakery grabs whatever business there is to be had. Desperate, the English madame visits the bakery one morning to see if she can work out some kind of deal.
As soon as she walks in, a blueberry muffin leaps off the oven tray, rolls across the floor, flies under her skirt and bites her on the vagina. The woman screams, and all the workers in the bakery come running.
“That bloody thing just bit me!” she said.
“What are you talking about?”
Before the madame can repeat herself, another muffin leaps off the pan, zips under her skirt and gives her a nip on the cooch.
“Oww! What kind of bakery is this?” the madame screams.
“Go away, old woman!” the workers say.
“Go away? This is dangerous! I’m telling everyone!”
So the madame starts raising a ruckus, people gather in the shop door, and the bakery people try to hustle her out of the shop. But the madame points at them, and she sings, “Come all without! Come all within! Your Nazi Muffins Like to Bite Me Quim!”
The 4th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Aug. 30, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
4. Years ago, Neil Young visits a tattoo and piercing shop. The girl shows him a case of wearable jewelry. “Wow, those are nice,” he says, pointing to a pair of studs. “I could put one in each ear.”
“No, you can’t do that,” she replies.
“Oh, well, what about this thing?” he says, pointing to an ivory bar. “I could put that in my cheek.”
“No, Mr. Young, that wouldn’t be appropriate, either.”
“Man, this is tough,” Neil Young says. “Okay, how about this ring? It could go on the side of my lip.”
“Absolutely not,” says the girl.
Exasperated, Neil Young throws up his hands. “Miss, you’ve got all this jewelry. You tell me I can’t put it in my ears, my cheek, my lip . . . Why the heck not?”
“Because, Mr. Young,” she replies, “Everybody Knows This is Nose-Wear.”
