Rabbi Sol Solomon – Page 97

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #91 (2/9/2014): SodaStream and ScarJo

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #91 (2/9/2014): SodaStream and ScarJo

aired Feb. 8, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/rxtEvftNrTU

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 8th, 2014.

So many times in my Rabbinical Reflections, I am forced to take celebrities over my metaphorical knee and spank them for their misdeeds and maladjustments. Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen, Ryan Dunn, Lance Armstrong – the list is an embarrassment of Richie Riches. I am delighted, therefore, to offer something different this week: a Hollywood star with a good head on her shoulders. She also has good shoulders and a great rack. But I come to praise Scarlett Johansson – not for the bubbles on her chest, but for the bubbles in her glass. She is the spokesperson for SodaStream, a company that helps you carbonate your own water, so you can make your own soft drinks.

Half-Jewish on her mother’s side – which makes her all-Jewish to me – Scarlett Johannson is one of the most glamorous actresses in Hollywood. She’s so hot, Woody Allen actually looked away from a 10-year-old to make her his muse. And she’s so in-demand, she can pick and choose what she wishes to advertise or promote. Her latest choice? Seltzer. What could be more Jewish than that? Only, it isn’t called “seltzer” anymore. It’s called “sparkling water” or, if you’re a lower tax bracket, “soda.” Back in the day, we used to call it “two cents plain,” but now nothing’s plain when you’re trying to sell it, and the only thing you can buy for two cents these days is one penny.

Anyhoo, in 1991, Peter Wiseburgh, a nice Jewish boy from Israel, bought SodaStream from Cadbury-Schweppes and made it the biggest purveyor of shpritz in the world. You don’t want to pay two dollars for a liter of Coca Cola? You don’t want all the caffeine and sugar of Pepsi? Can’t bring yourself to try that Mexican pineapple soda because, well, it’s Mexican pineapple soda? You buy a machine that looks like a mixer, then you get these canisters of carbon dioxide. In goes the glass of water, in goes the syrup, mix it up and voila – in three minutes you have a glass of soda … that would have taken you ten seconds to pour from a Coke can, but nevertheless. With Sodastream, you can control the level of carbonation and the amount of goo. Plus, you’re not opening a giant cola bottle that in three days goes flatter than Debra Messing in a sports bra.

So there is much to recommend in the home-made soda idea and the Sodastream company, which has factories all over the world, including three in Israel. And ay, there’s the rub. Two of the factories are in parts of Israel that the Arabs don’t think belong to Israel. Granted, the Arabs don’t think any of Israel belongs to Israel, but in this case, they’re specifically talking about the so-called “occupied territories” – land that Israel won, fair and square, in wars fought decades ago. I know I sound like a broken record – and for you kids out there, a record is a round vinyl thing with a hole in it that your grandparents used to play music on. Look it up. Anyhoo, I’ve said time and again that the Palestinians have millions of other miles they can live on, so if they feel oppressed in a Jewish state, they can get themselves a two-hump U-haul and move.

Still, they bitch and moan about Israel occupying land – it’s not “occupied,” shitheads, it’s annexed. And if you want Israel to bulldoze homes and let go of it, you damn well better give us peace in return. And maybe a few of those 70 virgins you’re always talking about, just to sweeten the deal.

One organization taking up the misguided cause against Israel is something called Oxfam. No, that’s not Gabourey Sidibe’s parents, it’s a non-profit initially formed to fight the war against poverty all over the world. Somehow, alas, the honorable mandate to feed the hungry morphed into a more vague “human-rightsy” sort of a thing, which slid into a political agenda and has now warped into anti-Israel propaganda. Oxfam wants people to boycott Sodastream because the factories are making beverages on land where the Palestinians should rightfully be making bombs. Defenders of Sodastream say the hundreds of Arabs who work at the company are well-treated, make a decent wage and have a life they could never aspire to beforehand.

So where does Scarlet Johansson belong in all this? Well, in my bedroom, if life were fair – but no, the actress was caught up in the controversy because she was an ambassador for Oxfam. I say “was” because last week she handed in her resignation. Why? Because ScarJo is also the spokeswoman for Sodastream. She even did a sexy commercial for them that debuted during the Super Bowl! She’s wearing a bathrobe and sucking on a straw. You don’t have to be Freud to know what’s really going on…she’s thirsty! For soda!

When the Oxfammished begged her to drop the company, Scarlet Johansson dropped them, citing, quote, “a fundamental difference of opinion,” unquote. That’s legalspeak for: “I’m Jewish, you’re idiots, the West Bank is part of Israel, Israel is a Jewish homeland, Sodastream are the good guys, and in the interest of international peace, I really should tweet more homemade nude photos on the internet.” Okay, I added that last part, but you know what I’m saying.

Ironically, the Scarlett Johansson Sodastream ad was nearly censored from the Super Bowl. Not by Oxfam or for any political reason, but because she mentioned Coke and Pepsi, and CBS crapped itself worrying that those monster advertisers would pull out if they heard their product being disparaged by the actress who played Natasha in “The Avengers.” The ad stayed, but the line was cut. I guess we know who has the real political power in this country…

But Scarlett Johansson, for being a mensch and standing your ground – that ground being the holy sand of Eretz Yisroel — I toast you holding a glass brimming with Sodastream. Mmmmmm good. Actually, it’s Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray, don’t tell anybody.

Thank you ScarJo. This has been RebSolSol coming to you from TempSoBi, Great Neck, NeeYo.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27843

Dave’s Gone By Interview (2/8/2014): DEE WALLACE & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews actress Dee Wallace

Topics include: E.T., healing, Cujo, Steven Spielberg, Wes Craven.

Segment aired Feb. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information about Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #457 (2/8/2014): DEE LIGHT FULL

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Here is the 457th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Feb. 8, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with actress Dee Wallace. Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection on SodaStream and ScarJo. Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (advertising), Inside Broadway and Saturday Segues (Robert Klein, Valentine’s Day)

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guests: actress Dee Wallace, Dave’s wife Joyce

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce Weil (davorites, stupor bowl, waxvac, Leno)
00:39:00 Dave in Plays (w/ Joyce Weil)
01:05:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Robert Klein
01:29:00 Sponsors
01:35:00 INSIDE BROADWAY
01:59:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Dee Wallace
02:51:30 More Sponsors
02:55:00 Friends
03:03:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (advertising)
03:34:00 Weather
03:42:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #91 (SodaStream & Scarjo)
03:54:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Valentine’s Day
04:11:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Feb. 8, 2014 Playlist: “The Borscht Belt” (01:08:00), “Public Service Commercials” (01:10:30), “F.M. Disc Jockey” (01:12:00), “Fear is the Greatest Salesman” (01:15:00), “School Assembly” (01:18:00) & “Young People’s Guide to the Orchestra” (01:21:00). “How it Ends” (Big Fish 2013 Bway cast w/ Norbert Leo Butz; 01:55:30). “I Want You” (03:06:30), “Things Have Changed” (03:09:30), “All I Really Want to Do” ({Live at Budokan version}; 03:14:30), “Love Sick” (03:20:00) & “Forever Young” (03:26:30; Bob Dylan). “Golden Protest” (03:18:30; National Lampoon). “Bob Dylan for WaxVac” (Dave Lefkowitz; 03:25:00). “Love is Everything” (Mark Cote; 03:58:00). “Hallelujah, I Love Her So” (04:02:30; Ray Charles). “The Love Song” (04:08:00; Donovan). “Loving Cup” ({alternate take}; 04:19:00; The Rolling Stones).

Dave’s Gone By Interview (2/1/2014): MIKE BALL & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews humor columnist Mike Ball

Topics include: newspapers, writing, Dr. Mike and the Sea Monkeys, water skiing.

Segment aired Feb. 1, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information about Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #456 (2/1/2014): HAVING A BALL

Here is the 456th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio Feb. 1, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with syndicated columnist Mike Ball. Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection on Justin Bieber, Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (Pete Seeger), Inside Broadway, Saturday Segues (Pete Seeger, Marley & Melanie).

Guests: columnist Mike Ball, Joyce Weil

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce Weil (snow in Greeley vs. in Atlanta, t.p. free, footbubble, Pete Seeger)
01:21:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Melanie & Marley
01:45:00 Sponsors
01:49:00 INSIDE BROADWAY
02:06:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Mike Ball
02:59:00 Sponsors
03:04:30 Friends
03:12:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (Pete Seeger)
03:43:30 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #90 (Justin Bieber)
03:50:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Pete Seeger
04:19:00 Weather
04:22:00 The Show That Never Ends w/ Joyce Weil
04:31:00 Upcoming
04:39:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Feb. 1, 2014 Playlist: “Iron Lion Zion” (01:21:00), “Stir it Up” (01:23:30) & “Redemption Song” (Bob Marley; 01:27:30). “The Good Book” (01:31:00), “The Good Guys” (01:33:30) & “Peace Will Come” (Melanie; 01:36:30). “He was Tall” (02:04:30; Cinderella 2013 Broadway cast w/ Laura Osnes). “At Least I’ve Got Most of My Hair” (02:06:00), “The Camera Went In (The Colonoscopy Song)” (02:27:30), “Darwin Rules” (02:42:00) & “The Grandpa Song” (02:55:00). “Joe Hill” (03:17:30), “Wagoner’s Lad” (03:24:30), “I Dreamed I Saw St. Augustine” (03:20:30) & “Farewell Angelina” (Bob Dylan; 03:26:00). “Blowin’ in the Wind” (03:31:00; Bob Dylan, Judy Collins, Pete Seeger, Peter, Paul & Mary and The Freedom Singers). “The Work of the Weavers” (03:51:00; The Clancy Brothers & Pete Seeger). “Michael, Row the Boat Ashore” (03:53:00) & “Goodnight Irene” (04:00:00; The Weavers). “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” (03:56:30; Pete Seeger & Tao Rodriguez). “Pete’s Extroduction” (04:04:30), “To My Old Brown Earth” (04:06:00) & “So Long, It’s Been Good to Know You” (04:10:00) & “Sailing Down My Golden River” (04:42:00; Pete Seeger).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #90 (2/1/2014): Justin Bieber

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #90 (2/1/2014): Justin Bieber

aired Feb. 1, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/GFDVqqkxzg8

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 2nd, 2014.

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am not a Belieber. Oh yes, I am a believer in God, in the Torah, in chicken soup when you’re sick – but I am not a Justin Bieber belieber. I don’t listen to his music, since I’m more of a Moishe Koussevitzky fan, and his exploits do not interest me.

If Justin Bieber gets a tattoo, or shtups a model, or posts a selfie from the hood of his Lambo, more power to him for living the high life. When I was 19 years old, I was in Yeshiva studying Talmud, I was suffering through clarinet lessons, I was in bed sleeping by 10pm…because I didn’t have a girlfriend.

If I had $20 million at that age, would I have done things differently? You’re damn right I would have! My God, I would have bought the Streits Matzoh factory and had chocolate-covered matzoh every day of the year. I’d have tricked out my Volvo with curtains and a practice bimah. I’d have bribed ushers for backstage passes to every Yaffa Yarkoni concert in the tri-State area. Would I have gotten tattoos? No, that’s a religious no-no. Plus, how would I really feel about a tramp stamp of Marvin Hamlisch when I’m 50?

But with that kind of money, sure, I might get a little meshiggeh. And having young girls clawing at me and screaming – and not screaming `rape!’ – of course that would go to my head, and I would sample the pleasures of the flesh and the fleshures of the plesh. I do not begrudge Justin Bieber any of these sybaritic activities that he has earned by making music that pushes teenage girls right past puberty into menopause.

However, this past week, little Justin crossed the line. He was arrested in Miami Beach for DUI, drag racing, driving without a license and mouthing off to cops. When he was yanked, bleary-eyed from his yellow Lamborghini, he said, “Why do you have to search me? What is this about?” And two seconds later he told the police, “Oh, by the way, I’m high, I’ve been drinking, and I’m on a couple of prescription medications.” Somewhere a prosecuting attorney is on his knees in shul saying, “Thank you, God. Sometimes you send them to us gift-wrapped.”

Now, much as I hate giving anyone who sings songs with titles like “Beauty and a Beat,” “Baby” and “Eenie Meenie” the benefit of the doubt, if Justin Bieber wasn’t impaired that night, then this is just another case of the media looking to crash the monster it created. Yes, Bieber was a putz for mouthing off at the cops. If he’d been poor and black, he’d still be searching for his teeth on the sidewalk. But if he wasn’t drunk or high and was just driving a little too fast, give the guy a ticket, get his autograph for your kids, and be done with it.

However, if Justin Bieber was driving under even a mild, chemically induced goofiness, then throw the book at him – not because he’s famous, but because he’s a danger to others. In one of my early Rabbinical Reflections, I took some heat for kicking Ryan Dunn’s corpse before it was even cold. Who was Ryan Dunn? He was one of the “Jackass” crew on TV – men who would do crazy, stupid, dangerous things to each other for poops and giggles. These were consenting friends under controlled circumstances; who am I to say, “what the hell is wrong with you?” Especially when they’re funny. But nobody was laughing when Ryan Dunn poured himself into his Porsche and zoomed into a tree. Not only he died, but the guy in the passenger seat died, too. As Roger Ebert tweeted at the time, “Friends don’t let jackasses drive drunk.”

I have no sympathy for Dunn, or Paul Walker, or Justin Bieber if he put himself in the same situation. When I’m tootling down the highway in my 1996 Ford Fiesta, I wanna know that every other person on the road is being as neurotically careful as I am. At 50 miles per hour, a car is just a gun with wheels; point it in the wrong direction, and you’ve committed suicide and/or murder and/or skyrocketing insurance premiums.

Figuratively speaking, many have said that Justin Bieber is on a crash course, speeding out of control towards a Lohanesque junk-heap. I wish him no harm so long as he does no harm to others. Remember, this is the boy who said that if Anne Frank were still alive, she would be a Belieber – meaning, in his obnoxious, self-absorbed way – that she’d be a typical teenage girl with posters on the wall, bubblegum music on her iPod, and, presumably, 200 stuffed animals on her bed. Of course, this is a ridiculous statement. First of all, if Anne Frank were truly alive today…she’d be kicking and pounding at the lid of her coffin. Also, she’d be 85 years old, which means her musical tastes would have settled somewhere between Glenn Miller and Chubby Checker. The only posters on her wall would be a reminder for her medications and a calendar from the nearest Jewish funeral home. As far as liking Justin Bieber’s music, for gosh sakes, this woman lost her mother and her sister in the Holocaust and coughed herself to death in a concentration camp at age 15. Didn’t she suffer enough?

People who hate Justin Bieber just for being Justin Bieber, are saying he should be deported. We should send him back to Canada. Why? So he can spend all his millions across the border and let Canadian strippers, casinos and car dealers reap the benefits? I say, give the teeny-botcher the benefit of a doubt; let him stay – unless they prove he was drunk or stoned in that car. If he was, handcuff him and put him in the first trolley heading to Quebec. Oh, and just for fun, make David Cassidy drive.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27848

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #89 (1/26/2014): Hiroo Onoda

click above to listen (audio file)

aired Jan. 26, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/U7eFyMWo1A8

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 26th, 2014.

Old soldiers never die, they just – well, no, old soldiers do die. They die all the time. Just try looking for World War I veterans.

Eisenhower died, Sherman died, Patton died, and two weeks ago, Israel’s Ariel Sharon died. And now, Japan’s Hiroo Onoda has died. He fought in World War II from 1941 through 1974. As Lewis Black would say: let me repeat that: Hiroo Onoda fought the Second World War for 33 years, approximately 29 years after World War II ended for everybody else.

Yes, this is the guy they made fun of on “Gilligan’s Island.” He’s the crazy loon living in the jungle so cut off from the world, no one’s told him about color TV, liquid paper, hula hoops or the end of armed military hostility between eastern and western civilization. Hey, it happens.

Ironically, Hiroo Onoda was an intelligence officer. Well, what was it George Carlin said about military intelligence? Anyhoo, at age 22, Onoda was stationed in the Philippines and told under no circumstances to surrender. Not even if they torture him with paddles and cigarette butts and Barbra Streisand movies. Being a good little soldier, Onoda followed his orders to the letter. And since Japanese letters are weird symbolic shapey things, I guess he never figured out that the Emperor surrendered.

Onoda didn’t even give up when the allies scattered leaflets over the Philippines reading, “Come out, come out wherever you are. There’s free barbecue. Or, as we like to call it, Hiroshima.” This loyal-to-a-fault yutz didn’t believe the authenticity of the leaflets, so he and his band of stragglers kept on fighting and killing and living off coconuts.

In 1974, a Japanese hippie – who apparently didn’t realize that hippies were over in 1971 – this hippie tourist visits the island, finds Onoda and gives him the bad news that the land of the rising sun sank in 1945. Onoda sort-of believed him but still wouldn’t surrender until he got official notification from higher up. His old Major had to fly to the island and officially relieve him of duty. Heh heh…I said “duty.”

Even though he murdered people in the jungle, Onoda was pardoned by Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos – I guess he didn’t want to be the pot calling the kettle – and Mr. What-Year-Is-This actually came home to Japan something of a national hero. After all, that level of devotion and honor is pretty rare in people. Granted, that’s because most people are sane, but still…

Hiroo Onoda actually didn’t like all the attention – even the adulation – possibly because the more people inquired into his activities during his three decades on Lubang Island, the more skeletons were dug up – literal ones. Onoda started spending half the year in Brazil, presumably because he liked to be surrounded by sexy women, Jacaranda trees and fellow war criminals.

On January 16th of this year, at age 91, Hiroo Onoda succumbed to pneumonia – the first time he surrendered to anything. Well, that’s arguable; he was married, after all. And while there is something to admire about his willingness to sacrifice everything for his country, including common sense, let’s not make too much of this loser. He was part of the army and the nation that attacked us for no reason in 1941. He fought against American soldiers and may have killed a couple before he went off to pineappleville. Try asking anyone who survived Okinawa or Iwo Jima how amusing they find Hiroo Onoda or the Nipponese mindset that made him. Ask them to think of anything nice to say, and they might ponder for a moment and then say, “I give up. Too bad Hiroo Onoda didn’t.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27852

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-28p

Dave’s Gone By Interview (1/25/2014): JERRY BLAVAT & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews radio legend Jerry Blavat

Topics include: rock and roll, Frank Sinatra, Mob, Mafia, Sammy Davis Jr., radio.

Segment aired Jan. 25, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information about Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #455 (1/25/2014): BLAVAT OR NOT

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Here is the 455th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Jan. 25, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with radio legend Jerry Blavat. Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection on Hiroo Onoda, Inside Broadway, Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (Kansas), Saturday Segues (Lucinda Williams & Lloyd Cole).

Guests: radio host Jerry Blavat, Dave’s wife Joyce

00:00:01 Pre-Show
00:02:00 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce Weil (birthday, AARP, couponing, cloth newspapers, birthday meals, UNC TV)
01:00:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Lloyd Cole
01:27:30 Sponsors
01:32:30 INSIDE BROADWAY
01:53:30 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Jerry Blavat
02:49:00 Sponsors
02:53:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (Kansas)
03:17:30 Friends
03:29:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #89 – Hiroo Onoda
03:34:00 SATURDAY SEGUE – Lucinda Williams
03:57:30 Weather & Thanks
04:02:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Jan. 26, 2014 Playlist: “Morning is Broken” (01:03:00), “Why I Love Country Music” (01:08:00), “Man on the Verge” (01:11:00), “Rattlesnakes” (01:14:30), “So You’d Like to Save the World” (01:18:00) & “Don’t Look Back” (Lloyd Cole; 01:21:30). “Rock of Ages” (01:51:30; Forbidden Broadway – Alive & Kicking 2012 off-Broadway cast). “The Impossible Dream” (02:44:00; The Temptations). “Meet Me in the Morning” (02:54:30), “The Ballad of Donald White” (03:04:00) & “Union Sundown” (03:08:30; Bob Dylan). “Wanted Man” (02:58:30; Nick Cave). “Something About What Happens When We Talk” (03:34:00), “Lately” (03:37:30), “Still I Long for Your Kiss” (03:42:30), “Sharp Cutting Wings (Song to a Poet)” (03:46:30), “Which Will” (03:50:00) & “Overtime” (04:04:00; Lucinda Williams).

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #88 (1/19/2014): Ariel Sharon

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #88 (1/19/2014): Ariel Sharon

aired Jan. 19, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USb-IKF3eU8

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 19th, 2014.

It is with a sad heart that we bid farewell to Ariel Sharon, the former Prime Minister of Israel who died last Saturday at age 85. The end was a blessing because he’d been in a coma for the past eight years. Imagine, eight years without any kind of physical activity. Sort of like a Jewish marriage.

But seriously, Ariel Sharon was a war hero and a statesman and the kind of leader Israel needed again and again in its battles with the Arab world. In the 1948 war for independence, he was wounded but survived and came back strong. He was aggressive and rude and cocky – honestly, you’d never know he was Jewish. But he sure was, and in the 1950’s, he fought constantly against terrorism – sometimes killing civilians, which isn’t nice, and sometimes killing murderers, which is very nice. In 1967, as a general, Sharon took on Egypt and beat them in a war that lasted all of six days. I can’t get a passport in six days, this guy wins a whole freakin’ war.

And then in 1973, when the Jews were attacked on Yom Kippur – our holiest day of the year (if you don’t count Barbra Streisand concerts) – with Egypt’s Third Army massing against us, Ariel Sharon led 5,000 tanks over the Suez Canal and turned the tide of the war. Ariel Sharon was our Patton, our Sherman, our sword of vengeance and great protector.

Yes, he was a hawk, but kicking Egypt’s ass on Yom Kipper helped bring on the Sadat peace talks. And Sharon was willing to compromise for peace a lot more than other hawks around him. For years, he encouraged Jewish settlements in the so-called “occupied territories” – and why not? Gaza, the West Bank – those are places that Israel won, fair and square, in wars. What’s the point of conquering enemy territory if you’re not gonna build a Starbucks on it?

However, when Israel began negotiating with the Palestinians – or at least tried to – and settlements were standing in the way of progress, Ariel Sharon went in there and started pulling Jewish families out of their homes. Their land was then given over to Palestinian rule, and the Arabs were so grateful, they started sending rockets over with little red bows and thank-you notes. Oh well. The whole land-for-peace thing is a crock, but you can’t say Sharon didn’t try.

Now, no question, this man had blood on his hands. One time, he blew up an Arab village that he swore he thought was abandoned. It wasn’t. Well, it was when he got through with it. Another time, Sharon had the army surround a refugee camp and then allowed the Lebanese Christian militia to go in and look for terrorists. They may have found some, but it’s hard to tell, since the Phalangists wound up slaughtering all the refugees. So much for Christian charity.

But if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a trillion times: Israel is a safety net for the Jewish people. New York is over-crowded, and Miami has too many flying bugs, so Jews need the teeny-tiny country of Israel as their homeland. Arabs have all the rest of the Middle East and North Africa to call their own. All you need is a turban and a Koran, and you have eight-and-a-half million miles at your disposal. By comparison, Israel is the size of a King Soopers – and not even one of those big King Soopers that has furniture and garden supplies.

Ariel Sharon was our security guard. He was so feared and hated by our enemy that his mere visit to the Temple Mount set off a wave of Arab riots. I haven’t seen that kind of negative reaction to a personal appearance since John Tesh played Bonnaroo.

A big man with big appetites, Sharon paid for his high living with a stroke that put him on life support for nearly a decade. No one knows if he saw, heard or understood anything that was going on around him. Kind of like Chris Christie. But if those tragic eight years – plus the deaths of two wives and his only son – were payback for the bad things Ariel Sharon did, let the next thousand millennia in heaven reward him for his courage, his tenacity, and his devotion to Eretz Yisroel. Thank you, bulldozer.

Yisgadal veyisgadash shmei rabba. Beʻalma di vra khir’useh, veyamlikh malkhuseh, beḥayekhon uvyomekhon, uv’cḥaye d’chol bet yisrael, b’agalah uvizman kariv, v’yimeru amen.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.