Segment aired Aug. 29, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 50. A woman goes into a bakery in Chinatown and asks for her usual breakfast coffee and sticky bun. “I’m sorry,” says the counter girl. “We’re out of coffee. But we have many unusual teas here. Try one?”
“Sure,” says the woman. “What’ve you got?”
“Well, we have bubble tea, rice tea, buckwheat tea, and our house blend which is made from noodles.”
“That sounds interesting,” says the woman. “How do you make it?”
“I’ll show you.” The counter girl opens a bag of tea and then pours a healthy scoop through a funnel and into a mug of boiling water.
“Delicious!” says the customer. “You should really advertise how you make this.”
“Oh, we can’t!” says the girl. “We’d get arrested.”
“Arrested? For pouring tea through a cone?”
“Yes,” says the girl. “We’d be showing Full Funnel Noodle Tea.”
Segment aired Aug. 2, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 47. Before he moved into his big house in the Hollywood Hills, actor Joaquin Phoenix needed to have the place cleaned out. He hired a crew for the job, who inspected the house and made their report. The crew chief told Phoenix that the interior was in good shape except for the fireplace. “It’s a disaster up there,” he said. “First, there’s all this rotting wood just stacked in a mound halfway up the chimney.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” says the actor.
“It wouldn’t be,” replies the chief, “but the rot has been a breeding ground for thousands of insects. In order to kill the bugs, we have to clean and disinfect every inch of the chimney.”
The actor responds, “Well, I’m sure you have your own chemicals. But if you want, I’ve also got two bottles of ammonia under the sink.”
“Sure,” says the chief, who sets his crew to work. A half hour later, he checks on the chimney, only to see his best worker sprawled out with a thermometer in his mouth.
“Oh, boss,” he says, “I don’t feel so hot.”
“What’s the matter?” says the chief.
“Can’t you tell?” says the worker. “I’ve got the Joaquin Ammonia in the Buggy Woody Flue.”
Here is the 16th Wretched Pun of Destiny, which aired on Dave’s Gone By, Dec. 13, 2014. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Segment aired as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program/podcast hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 16. Shalom, Dammit! this is Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. I am proud to be an honorary guest reader for The Wretched Pun of Destiny:
In order to combat male-pattern baldness in Jewish men, the United Jewish Appeal recently set up a charity to buy wigs for bald fellows in need. Mendel Horowitz, bald since 30, immediately signs on and waits excitedly for his wig in the mail. When it arrives, he tears open the box but is dismayed to find a ratty, dirty-looking toupee that seems nothing like the smooth, beautiful wigs in the TV ads.
“Maybe it just needs to be washed,” shrugs Mendel. So he runs to the cupboard and grabs Tide laundry detergent, which he sprinkles liberally on the hairpiece. Much to his horror, the wig begins to separate, leaving a gaping hole down the center.
“Gevalt!” cries Mendel. “This is making things worse!”
He flips open the owner’s manual and calls the manufacturer’s 800 number. “Help!” Mendel shrieks into the phone. “I got this UJA wig from tzedakah, but it looked filthy, so I poured detergent on it, and now there’s a giant hole in the middle!”
“Don’t panic,” comes the reply from customer service, “this happens all the time when people use detergent instead of our special solvent. But it’s easy to fix. There’s a chemical in human saliva that pulls the hair together while disbursing the detergent.”
“Saliva?” says Mendel. “You mean I have to lick the wig to get the Tide detergent off? Ugh!”
“Well, you can lick it, or you can just use drool or spit.”
“Oh,” Mendel says, “that’s not so bad.” So he lays the hairpiece out on a table and gets to work. It’s an arduous job, but he makes the time go fast by singing a song he makes up on the spot. It goes: “I’m spittin’ on tzedakah toupee, washing the Tide hole away…”
The 15th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 6, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 15. The head of Milwaukee’s restaurant bureau was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.
He didn’t mind the downtime until he heard that a big Hollywood movie was coming to town, and he felt awful that he couldn’t escort the stars to the best restaurants the way he usually did. He begged his doctors, “Please, let me bring them to my favorite places!” But the doctors said, “No, you’re not ready.” “Please!” he said. “It’s George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Bill Murray, Laura Dern — I’ll sleep the whole rest of the day, just let me do my celebrity restaurant tours; it’s what we’re known for!”
He begged and pleaded until finally, against their better judgment, the doctors gave in and let him take the movie stars to dinner. He took George Clooney to a French bistro. He took Julia Roberts to the best Mexican place. He brought Bill Murray to a great burger joint. And everything was fine until the last day, when he collapsed in the delicatessen where he had taken Laura Dern for beer and brats.
The coroner held a press conference, and reporters asked him if the doctors were negligent for allowing the guy to resume the tour. “No, said the coroner, “They checked on him every day, and he was doing great. But then he took a Dern for the wurst.”
The 14th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 14. For his work on “30 Rock,” comedian Tracy Morgan was in London to be knighted by the queen. Unfortunately, right after the ceremony, Morgan begins suffering terrible maladies related to his near-fatal car accident.
They bring him to the Royal Hospital where he complains of dizziness and a burning sensation in his left hip.
The doctor examines Morgan for a few minutes and makes some brief notes on a chart, which he hands to the head nurse. But she stops him in the hall. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I don’t understand your notes,” she tells him.
The doctor says, “It’s simple. We put the patient in a spinning centrifuge to counteract his vertigo. Then we drain off some fluid from his hip to ease the inflammation. It’s all there on the chart.”
“Oh, now I get it!” gasps the nurse. “Spin Sir Tracy, and Catheter in Hip Burn.”
The 13th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 13. An old Asian tea maker took pride in teaching his culinary students a very special blend of his chai tea. The brew had a strong, delicious taste and an oddly delicate bouquet. No matter how his young students tried, even the best ones could not replicate the brew.
What the teacher couldn’t tell them was the real reason his tea had such a distinct flavor: every morning before school, he would wake up, take a dry loofa and scrape the wrinkly, dead skin off one of his buttocks and into the bag of leaves.
All goes fine until one day, a know-it-all student takes a sip of the old man’s signature tea. “Ugh,” says the boy, “when was this tea made, 1937?”
“What you talk about?” says the teacher, “is fresh, new tea!”
“New? This tastes ancient. I don’t wanna make old tea.”
“Old? Is not old! Made right now!”
“Is not!” counters the boy. “What kind of teacher are you?”
“I good teacher!” the old man yells, “and is new tea!”
“No, it isn’t,” says the boy, “I’m outta here.”
The kid turns to leave, but the teacher grabs him by the collar and hollers, “I good teacher! No Chai Old, Left Behind!”
The 11th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 8, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 11. Legendary newscaster Edward R. Murrow stops at his favorite New York diner for dinner. He asks the waiter if there are any specials.
“Well,” says the old man, “it’s Passover, so we’re serving items tailored to our Jewish customers.”
“Like what?”
“Our most popular is matzoh brei, served with an entrée of roast chicken.”
“Sounds good,” says Murrow. “I’ll have it.”
After the Kosher meal, Murrow lays his payment and tip on the table, silently gets up and heads towards the door.
“Mr. Murrow,” the waiter calls after him. “I know you’re a man of few words, but don’t you have anything at all to say about your food?”
The newscaster thinks for a moment. Then, on his way out the door, he says, “good brei and good cluck.”
The 8th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Oct. 11, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 8. So the March of Dimes is having its annual fundraising push, and they come up with a contest where they get all these famous women in media to help raise money for the cause. The winner, who signs up the most pledges, gets to be that year’s fundraising “queen.” She’s flown to the annual meeting for a big ceremony, gets to wear a tiara, and even has a song written and sung about her.
All these famous women in media compete: Oprah, Ellen, Kathie Lee Gifford, Tina Fey, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric… And yet, surprisingly enough, the winner is Bloomberg Financial anchor Jane King. So they fly her to the big ceremony, make speeches, she gets to wear the tiara and, best of all, the one and only Bob Dylan is there to perform a song about her. What does he sing?
The 7th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Sept. 27, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
7. Neighbors are finally getting fed up with the new guy who moved into their suburban town.
Among his many eccentricities, he fertilizes his lawn once a month with raw garlic, which raises a stink that permeates the town for days. Worse, he’s got a brother in and out of jail, and whenever the felon’s on parole, he comes to visit the new guy and camps out on his front lawn in a ratty old tent.
Finally, the block association can take no more and beg the local police chief to arrest their new neighbor. “But on what charges?”, asks the cop. “Using smelly fertilizer and having a guest?”
“Absolutely!” says the neighborhood spokesman. Get him for: “Lawn Odor: Criminal in Tent.”
Segment aired Sept. 20, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
*
6. A food writer is compiling a book about the best cups of tea from all over the world. He sends a first draft to his editor, who writes back, “Great job. You’ve been to India, China, Sri Lanka, Russia – but I notice you haven’t been to Australia. You need to go and report on this incredible tea I’ve heard about that’s only served in one tiny shop in the western outback. We can’t do a proper book without it. I’ll extend your deadline, just get there asap.”
So the writer books a plane ticket for Australia where he winds up taking two trains, three puddle-jumpers and a rickshaw before reaching a tiny village. Worried that he’s been sent on a wild goose chase, the writer asks a woman at the local market if she’s heard of this fabled tea shop. “Oh, of course! Best tea in the world.”
“What makes it so special?” asks the writer, grabbing his notebook.
“Well, the shop is owned by Johnny Murphy, this Irish fella who moved here thirty years ago and has been making tea ever since.”
“Fine, but what’s so great about the tea itself?”
“It’s not just the leaves; it’s what happens to them. They grow high on these gum trees. And the koala bears climb all over them and chew on them making them really tender. That’s why no other leaves have their flavor.”
Intrigued, the writer asks the woman for directions to Murphy’s Tea Shop. After a three-mile trek, he arrives at this little hut where a burley, deeply suntanned Irishman stands at the counter.
“A cup of tea, please,” the writer orders.
Murphy nods and sets a kettle on the stove. He then produces a small teacup and a wee bag of brown leaves. He pours two heaping spoonfuls of dry leaves into the cup, and, when the water boils, sloshes the hot water into the tea. “Here you go,” he says, handing the writer the cup and a plain napkin.
The writer looks into the cup but isn’t particularly enthused. Though the beverage smells okay, visually it looks like muddy brown water, with twigs and dirt and dead things floating about. “Whatsamatter?” says the Irishman. “Too strong for ya?”
“No,” says the writer, making a face. “It’s just so unfiltered. Why don’t you use a strainer?”
“Sir,” gasps the owner, affronted. “The Koala Tea of Murphy Cannot Be Strained!”
