April 2015 – Dave's Gone By

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #122 (4/19/2015): Campaign 2016

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #122 (4/19/2015): Campaign 2016

(aired April 18, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/h-wdAa7RXFM)

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 19, 2015.)

Well, the Presidential race for 2016 officially began this week when Hillary Clinton threw her hat into the ring as the presumptive Democratic nominee. Her decision to run came as a shock to an order of Trappist Monks in Burkina Faso, but pretty much everyone else in the universe was expecting this, oh, seven-and-a-half years ago.

And why not? For all the negative publicity and setbacks, the past six years of Obama-America has been moderately successful—spectacularly successful if you compare them to the previous eight years under Shrub. The economy slowly turned around, real-estate is up, gas prices are down, we managed the wars that Dubya started, gay marriage and legal pot became the norm (and, astonishingly, the empire did not collapse), people who couldn’t afford healthcare . . . still can’t afford healthcare but now they have to have it, we’re making nice-nice with Cuba, and we turned bin Laden into fish food. Not perfect but not bad, considering Obama inherited a country that was so rotten, it could have been a Renny Harlin movie.

Through it all, Hillary Clinton took her lumps in 2000 and bided her time visiting a million countries between then and now in order to keep us out of new wars and, let’s face it, to avoid spending quality home time with her husband. The GOP is gonna hammer Hillary over Benghazi and ISIS and her seeming inability to answer a direct question, but half the Republican candidates won’t answer a direct question, either–`cause they can barely speak English.

I kid, I kid, but look at what the Red States are throwing at the next election: Jeb Bush. Do we really want to hear that last name connected with the White House ever, ever again? Sure, comparing Jeb to his brother George W. is like comparing Steven Spielberg to the guy who directed “Gummo.” But Jeb’s intelligence is a danger in itself. Let’s not forget who was governor when Florida hijacked the presidency from Al Gore 15 years ago. (In case you forgot, it was Jeb Bush.) And while he’s pro-education and more sensible than most in his party about immigration, he would decimate social services and be so right-wing on abortion, he’d make jacking off illegal because you’re killing a bajillion potential human beings in spermatozoic form.

Then you’ve got Ted Cruz. He looks like Joseph McCarthy, sounds like Rick Santorum, and comes off like a Sunday preacher on acid. Gotta love him for being pro-Israel, but no Federal money for Hurricane Sandy? No leeway on gun control? No compassion for unwed mothers? No comprehension of global warming? No remorse for shutting down the government in 2012? No admitting that he can’t even run for president because he was born in Canada? (Actually, he can `cause his mom’s American, but why isn’t he up north shooting moose and ordering Terrence and Philip to get a haircut?)

Then you’ve got Marco Rubio, who makes one crowd-pleasing speech, and suddenly he thinks he can run the free world. (Remember how that hot-speech thing worked out for Sarah Palin?) Anyway, he’s Latino, and he’s got charisma. Good for him. I liked Desi Arnaz, but I wouldn’t’ve voted for him. Rubio is anti-same-sex marriage and has so little experience in foreign policy, he makes pre-2008 Barak Obama look like Henry Kissinger. Including the glasses. Worst of all, Marco was mentored by none other than Jeb Bush — the guy he’ll run against in the primaries. Who says there’s no loyalty in politics? I do; I say there’s no loyalty in politics.

Also in the hunt: Rand Paul. He’s so right wing, he makes the Koch Brothers look like Emma Goldman. Paul is another of those religious fundamentalists who thinks conception begins in the nut sack, and he is the epitome of the Republican who believes the way to govern is to block anything and everything the Democrats wanna do. If Obama says walruses have tusks, Rand Paul will filibuster to make sure they’re called “long teeth” instead.

Other rambunctious Republicans who might give Jeb a jolt include Chris Christie, who was desperate enough to accept a Democratic handout but arrogant enough to clog up the George Washington Bridge. Rick Perry, who is currently under indictment, hates gays, hates abortion, and worst of all, comes from Texas. Scott Walker comes from Wisconsin, for which he deserves sympathy. And I hear he’s very much an advocate of two-year colleges – by which I mean that he’s cut so much funding from state universities, they won’t be able to afford four years of teachers.

And did I mention Donald Trump was running again? Just take a moment to process that. Donald Trump, who went bankrupt three times and yet brands himself as a financial genius. He does have a magnificent knack for self-promotion, but he spends money he doesn’t have like it’s going out of style—so why isn’t he running as a Democrat?

Oy. It’s gonna be an interesting year and a half. Night after night of Rachel Maddow shilling for Hill and Sean Hannity sugarcoating anything the Republican party scrapes off its shoe and smears on a ballot. My parishioners tell me, “Rabbi, you bitch and bitch and bitch but don’t offer an alternative. Why don’t you run for President, you’re so smart?” The answer is, I’m smart enough to know my limitations. If I were President, the first thing I’d do is declare war on every country threatening Israel. The second is to make it illegal to use the New Testament as anything more than literature or a doorstop. And the third would be to make pastrami a mandatory part of all school lunches. As for immigration: look, my wife and I have 21 ½ children. Where the hell are we supposed to get nannies for less than six bucks an hour if we send back all the illegals?

Global Warming? Half my relatives live in Florida, and their skins are like komodo dragons from the sunshine. For the sake of the Jews, let’s at least get some umbrellas down there and maybe a few icemakers. Quality of life crime, like graffiti or noise pollution? A simple and effective plan. First offense, 25 hours of community service. Second offense? Death penalty.

As you can see, I am not meant to be the leader of the free world. `Cause I’m a schmuck. I’m saving you the trouble; I’m telling you, I’m a schmuck. The hard part is keeping some other schmuck from becoming president. For 227 years, we have failed at this almost uninterruptedly. I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the next four.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-1YP

Dave’s Gone By #506 (4/18/2015): PLEASANTLY PLYMP

Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).

Here is the 506th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, April 18, 2015. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with animator Bill Plympton (“Cheatin’,” “Your Face”). Plus: Rabbi Sol’s Rabbinical Reflection on the 2016 candidates, Inside Broadway, Saturday Segues (Percy Sledge, In the News), The Wretched Pun of Destiny (Hangover), Greeley Crimes & Old Times.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guests: animator Bill Plympton, Dave’s wife Joyce

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce (dandruff, potatoes, egg creams, costumes)
00:24:30 GREELEY CRIMES & OLD TIMES
00:53:00 DAVE GOES FURTHER IN (Blackout!, Dave’s solo show)
01:16:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Percy Sledge
01:36:00 INSIDE BROADWAY
02:05:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Bill Plympton
02:30:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (Altria)
02:50:30 Sponsors
02:57:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #122 (2016 Candidates)
03:07:00 Friends
03:19:00 THE WRETCHED PUN OF DESTINY #33 (hangover)
03:47:30 Weather
03:49:30 Thanks & Upcoming
03:55:00 DAVE GOES OUT

April 11, 2015 Playlist: “Ketchup” (00:15:00; Tom Paxton). “Sudden Stop” (01:20:00), “Out of Left Field” (01:23:00), “When a Man Loves a Woman” (01:26:30) & “You Really Got a Hold on Me” (01:29:30; Percy Sledge). “Come to the Fun Home” (02:02:00; Fun Home 2014 off-Bway cast). “Your Face” (02:25:30; Maureen McElheron). “Things Have Changed” (02:33:30), “Simple Twist of Fate” ({live 1975 version} 02:38:30) & “Pay in Blood” (02:43:00; Bob Dylan). “Master Song” (03:22:30; Leonard Cohen). “Your Tax Dollars at Work” (03:28:00; Henry Phillips). “The Prisoner” (03:33:00; The Both). “Bussboys, McDonalds and Minimum Wage” (03:37:30; Chris Rock). “Hillary Will Survive” (03:39:00; The Capitol Steps). “The Happy Happy Joy Joy Song” (03:57:00; Wax).

Dave’s Gone By Interview (5/9/2015): RAY STEVENS & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews music legend Ray Stevens

Topics include: novelty songs, comedy, Nashville, music.

Segment aired May 9, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information about Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Interview (4/18/2015): BILL PLYMPTON

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews animator Bill Plympton.

Topics include: Your Face, Cheatin’, animation, Disney.

Segment scheduled to air April 18, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information about Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #033 (4/18/2015): HANGOVER

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Segment aired April 18, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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33.
A guy calls his best friend after overdoing it the night before. He says, “Hey bro, I need one of your patented hangover cures.”

“Sure,” says the friend. “Tell me what you drank, and I’ll tell you what to take.”

So the guy tells him, and the friend says, “No problem. You just need the Fairy Tale Cure.”

“The Fairy Tale Cure? What’s that?”

“You take a thick slice of gouda cheese, and around it you wrap a thin slice of smoked salmon. You eat that, and then you take three aspirin. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” says the guy. “Cheese, salmon, aspirin—great! But why is it called the `Fairy Tale Cure’?”

“Because,” says the friend, “haven’t you ever heard of Gouda, Lox and the Three Bayers?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #032 (4/11/2015): UBER

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The 32nd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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32.
When Uber was in its planning stages, the two founders were still college kids, and they had an even bigger idea than just creating a livery car service. First of all, they wanted all the dispatches coming from one central station, and that station would be located on a blimp hovering over the city like a roaming GPS. Also, the Uber guys wanted the cars to be able to warn drivers if they were approaching a dangerous place. For example, a car in New York would make a deep growl whenever you drove towards a high-crime zone. In the midwest, you’d be warned of an impending dust storm by the car making a loud hissing noise.

“I think we have amazing ideas,” says one Uber dude to the other, “but will anyone listen to us?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re just a couple of frat boys. How do we get the world to take our ideas seriously?”

“It’s all in the marketing,” says the other. “We tell the truth, but we do it with a catchy slogan.”

“A catchy slogan?” says the friend. “We’re two college kids talking about putting a homing station in a blimp to track limousines that hiss at you in a dust storm. What slogan could we possibly use?”

“Let me think,” says the friend. “Aha! I’ve got it! Uber: One Station, Undergrad, in Dirigible, with Livery and Dust Hiss for All.”

Dave’s Gone By #505 (4/11/2015): TIBER BALM

click above to listen to the episode (audio only).

Here is the 505th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, April 11, 2015. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon chats with author Elliot Tiber. Plus: Inside Broadway, The Wretched Pun of Destiny (Uber), Bob Dylan – Sooner & Later (spare cash), Saturday Segues (Julie Wilson, Stan Freberg), Greeley Crimes & Old Times

Note: Apologies for the mixed sound quality of the first segment!

Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guests: author Elliot Tiber (“After Woodstock”), Dave’s wife Joyce and their friend, Edie

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN w/ Joyce (whine, Tiber’s life)
00:30:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Julie Wilson (includes excerpt of 2007 interview (00:43:30)
01:01:00 Sponsors
01:11:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Elliot Tiber
02:07:00 More Sponsors
02:10:00 INSIDE BROADWAY
02:42:00 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later (Spare Cash)
03:04:30 Weather w/ Joyce
03:13:00 THE WRETCHED PUN OF DESTINY #32 (Uber)
03:16:00 GUEST: Edie D.
03:30:00 GREELEY CRIMES & OLD TIMES w/ Joyce & Edie
04:02:00 Friends
04:12:30 SATURDAY SEGUE – Stan Freberg
04:37:00 Thanks & Upcoming
04:39:00 DAVE GOES OUT

April 11, 2015 Playlist: “Of Thee I Sing/`Swonderful” (00:37:00), “The Party’s Over” (00:46:30), “I am Loved” (00:49:30) & “I Wish You Love” (04:40:30; Julie Wilson). “The Music Went Out of My Life” (00:39:00; Legs Diamond Broadway cast w/ Julie Wilson). “Old, Old Woodstock” (02:01:00; Van Morrison). “Gigi” (02:39:30; Bing Crosby). “Girl from the North Country” (02:48:00; Bob Dylan & Johnny Cash). “Wanted Man” (02:52:00). “Big River” (02:55:00; Bob Dylan). “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” (02:58:30; Johnny Cash). “John and Marsha” (04:17:30), “Little Blue Riding Hood” (04:20:00), “Side Effects” (04:23:30), “The Sale of Manhattan” (04:27:00), “The Ceiling of My Mind” (04:31:00) & “Finale – So Long, Friend” (04:33:30; Stan Freberg).

Dave’s Gone By Interview (4/11/2015): ELLIOT TIBER & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews author Elliot Tiber

Topics include: After Woodstock, Andre Ernotte, Belgium, Rue Haute

Segment aired April 11, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

More information about Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #121 (4/5/2015): Passover

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #121 (4/5/2015): Passover

(aired April 5, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27305. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/P5iBQJD75tg)

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 5, 2015.

Friends, are you constipated? I certainly hope so, because that would mean you are eating your matzah, the traditional food of the Passover holiday, which we are in the midst of celebrating as we speak. Well, as I speak; you’re just listening.

But yes, Passover is one of the most important Jewish holidays—certainly the most labor intensive. Other holidays, you cook a meal, you make a blessing, maybe you don’t eat for a day—boom, you’re done. Okay, Sukkos, you have to build a little house, which is a pain in the ass, but you get to use it for a week, and you can make believe it’s a gazebo or a cozy shed. And if you’re too lazy to build, you can always go to the local shul and stay in theirs. Just make sure to use the guest towels.

But Pesach? Oy, what a production. You have to clean the whole house, top to bottom, of every crumb, every last bit of leavened bread. You have to sell everything in your fridge and cupboards to your local Rabbi–because what Rabbi doesn’t want to be responsible for two-week-old meatloaf? You gotta change all your dishes and cutlery, because a fork that touched pizza is somehow satanic for a week. And then, throughout Passover, you can eat only foods that are approved for holiday use. Wheat and beans and whole-grain products are verboten, and everything you reach for has to be certified Kosher L’Pesach. Which means a bottle of ketchup that’s $2 the rest of the year now costs $7.50. Why? Because some mashgiach was there to make sure that no tomato came into contact with a pretzel. HaShem forbid.

It’s a lot of nonsense, of course, but like all religious rituals, the doing of them forces us to remember who we are and the legacy to which we are tied. God doesn’t give a rat’s tushie if we hide the Afikomen or not; but my great, great, great grandfather hid the Afikomen—probably from the Cossacks—and my 21 ½ children will hide the Afikomen from my (god willing) 150 grandchildren. It’s not the activity; it’s the legacy.

Or, on Passover, it’s leprosy. And blood and frogs and boils and murrain and darkness and death of the first born and all the things usually caused by Comcast/Xfinity. We remember the 10 Plagues God visited upon the Egyptians as payback for subjugating the Hebrews. And when Moses visited Pharaoh and told him, “Look, we’re leaving. Can we get a severance check and a few weeks of interim health insurance?”, Pharaoh said no, so God made him suffer. Actually, Pharaoh didn’t say no. I mean, at first he did, when Moses was turning water into blood and making frogs jump out of underwear drawers. Pharaoh saw a bunch of magic tricks and said, “Copperfield does them better.”

But as the plagues turned nastier, Pharaoh was ready to be done with the Jews and let our people go. Until HaShem hardened his heart–I guess with some kind of aortic Viagra–and forced Pharoah to make ruinous choices, essentially robbing the king of Egypt of his free will.

I admit, I’ve always found something unsettling in that story. It’s one thing if Pharaoh is so evil, or so moronic, that he invites torture upon his empire through his own pig-headedness. But the Torah makes it clear that God is pulling the strings. He’s like the schoolyard bully that grabs your fists and makes you sock yourself in the face, all the while saying, “Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?” In the Pesach story, God puts Pharaoh through ten rounds with Mike Tyson, and then a bonus round with Muhammad Ali. The Jews finally hit the road, Pharaoh sends soldiers after them—presumably all second-born sons–and what happens? They all drown. God is nothing if not thorough.

So what do we learn from that gruesome fable? First, that if you mess with the Jews long enough, you get payback of biblical proportions (pun intended). After all, the Hebrews served as Egyptian slaves for generations before the big rescue. Stopping the punishment at flies or even flaming hail just wouldn’t send the same message as mass murder.

The second thing we learn is a rational reason why we spill drops of wine during the Passover seder. The Haggadah explains that even though Pesach is a happy holiday, and we’re delighted to recall the deliverance of Israel from Egypt, we’re not supposed to celebrate a hundred percent. We diminish our wine glass literally and our joy metaphorically, because even though our enemy treated us worse than the worst Jennifer Lopez movie, they are still human beings. They are still God’s children being destroyed.

Personally, I don’t spill a whole lotta wine on Passover—and not just because we have to use the same tablecloth for two nights. I rejoice freely when my enemy falls. When the Navy Seals took out bin Laden, I tore off my clothes and started dancing naked around the house. Which caused some problems because I was outside. But oh boy, did I shake my tailfeather! Miley Cyrus could have studied my tuchas for twerking lessons. And if I’d been alive in 1945 to witness V-E Day, I would have kissed a girl for every German that got a bullet through his eye or a bayonet through his heart. (You could probably call it VD Day…) I still would do this, so if any young girls want to stand in the street and let me kiss them, drop me an email, and I’ll get my sailor suit out of the cleaners.

Don’t get me wrong; I like the idea of being a good sport when my adversary is vanquished, but in reality, the misery and death of my enemies gives me less pause than a skip on my CD player. (For those of you under 30 who don’t know what that is, a CD player is like Spotify on a pancake.)

Anyhoo, my point in all this is however you celebrate Passover—if you follow all the rules, some of the rules, or if you serve bacon croissants during the Seder—and however you feel about Passover—whether you’re there just for family or you’re looking for a greater spiritual purpose in choking to death on horse radish—enjoy the holiday, appreciate the history, and take comfort that you don’t have to fast and no one gets circumcised.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dai-Dai-enu.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=27305

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #031 (4/4/2015): CHESS MATCH

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The 31st Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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31.
During the Washington DC try-out for the original West Side Story, whenever Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein faced writers’ block, they’d play chess backstage. Actors, stagehands, and sometimes famous visitors were allowed to kibbitz or even sit in.

One night, playwright Edward Albee is in town, and during intermission, he agrees to a speed-chess game with Sondheim. Meanwhile, Bernstein sits nearby at a piano, trying desperately to come up with a love ballad for act one.

The chess match is even at first, but soon Sondheim gets the upper hand, with Albee swearing under his breath every time he loses a piece. At one point, while protecting his queen, the playwright loses a knight. “Damn,” he says. “Stupid horse.” Two plays later, Sondheim makes a bold move with his rook and takes the other knight. “Damn!” yells Albee. “I can’t believe I lost both of them.”

“That’s it!” shouts Leonard Bernstein at the piano. “Two Knights, Two Knights. Ed Albee Damned Two Knights.”