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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #52 (1/13/2013): Al Gorezeera

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #52 (1/13/2013): Al Gorezeera

Aired January 12, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKNhqPjnANY. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29258

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 13th, 2013.

I never liked Al Gore. Something about him – the smugness, the silver spoon, the hypocrisy – (we’ll get to that). And for all his left-wing democratic ideals, he married a woman whose claim to fame was begging Congress to put warning labels on record albums. Because in 1985, the greatest threat to our country was not Russia or the Middle East or poverty or famine but the Ramones. So there was always something shifty about Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. Lord knows, his jet-setting lifestyle seems a little out of sync with his altruism about sustainable energy, but okay, it’s not as if we expect him to live in a hut. Neil Young can build electric cars, but he’s still tooling around in a `56 Crown Victoria.

Anyway, most of what skeeved me about Al Gore I couldn’t put my finger on. I think a lot of liberals felt that way when George Bush stole the presidency out from under him. After eight good years under Bill Clinton – we didn’t know how good we had it – people still couldn’t bring themselves to pull the lever for Mr. Internets. True, the former vice president scored brownie points by making a movie about global warming. It left most people global sleeping but still, it was the right message that should have been listened to then and now. And with a whole TV network at his disposal, Gore had the chance to make a real difference in the content and dissemination of news around the world.

That his network, Current TV, failed financially is no shame. But his response was mind boggling – he sold it to Al Jazeera. That’s right, ground zero for Arab propaganda, Al Jazeera, now gets a bigger hoofhold in America. Al J paid Al G 500 million dollars for the privilege of reaching Comcast, Dish Network, Verizon and your local Etch-a-Sketch.

Now, let’s be fair. Most of the time, Al Jazeera functions as an objective journalistic outlet that covers the Arab world more directly than Rupert Murdoch or Reuters ever could. But make no mistake: Al Jazeera was founded and financed by people very close to the ruling family of Qatar. Yes, the network is privately owned – by the cousin of the Emir. And American journalists who have worked for Al Jazeera have complained that everything on it has an anti-American or anti-Israel slant. Remember – this was the place Osama bin Laden would mail his Mp3s to.

“Oh Rabbi,” I hear you say, “if the Zodiac killer sends his messages to the San Francisco Chronicle instead of to the cops, do you blame the paper?” No, and you can’t fault Al Jazeera for running with the story, even if their superstar was a mass-murdering lunatic that they could have helped bring to justice. As such, you can be wary of a network that lives to pish on the Western world. And if I want to watch Israel bashing in the guise of news, I don’t need Al Jazeera; I’ll just put on Amy Goodman’s “Democracy Now.”

Al Gore did not have to do business with these people. If there can be entire networks devoted to game shows or old soap operas, surely Gore could have found a buyer with a 24-hour skateboarding channel, or a new MTV that actually plays music videos. And hey, Tipper’s now history, so you can even leave the obscenities in.

The biggest obscenity is that Mr. Gore, who has spent 30 years warning the world about oil being so scarce, how drilling depletes our natural resources and changes the weather, how pollution is melting the arctic, how there are so many cleaner and more efficient ways to make energy – this Al Gore just pocketed half a billion dollars from a company founded on the profits of oil drilling, consumption, fake shortages and price fixing. Not to mention a country governed under family dictatorship and Sharia law.

For years, I felt bad that I didn’t vote for Al Gore in the 2000 election. I went with Ralph Nader, because I believed his rap about Democrats being just as lousy as the Republicans – that both parties are owned by the same mega-corporations and drug companies. Nader was right, but eight years of Dubya also proved him wrong. I used to wonder how different America would have been had Al Gore been president instead of Bush. Now I know. He would have sold New Mexico to Saudi Arabia and made Mahmoud Ahmedinejad chairman of the B’nai Brith.

I am not one to advocate censorship. I’m not saying, “Hey everyone, call your cable provider and threaten to go back to rabbit ears if Al Jazeera gets a channel.” But the price of freedom is vigilance. If Current TV now morphs into wall-to-wall Intifadeh, with the most popular show being “Two and a Half Men Blowing Up Three and a Half Synagogues,” you know what to do. After all, the Arabs have spilled rivers of American blood. Must they now have blood and Gore?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29258

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #51 (12/30/2012): 2012 Farewell

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #51 (12/30/2012): 2012 Farewell

Aired December 29, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip:
http://youtu.be/cUcwje08tB4

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 30th, 2012.

Well, you certainly can’t say it was an uneventful year. It started with a bang, and went out with a bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, unfortunately. In between, we had our ups and downs, our tears for fears, our cheers for queers, and our jeers for emirs, but at least we’re here at the end of the year.

2012 was all politics, politics, politics. From January on, all you heard was, “Who will be the Republican frontrunner?” “How long will this week’s Republican frontrunner stay on top?” and, “How do you try to elect a new Republican president when the last Republican President was the worst thing to hit America since Eddie Murphy’s movie career?”

So the G.O.P. finally picked Mitt Romney, a man of the people – if your people happen to make 30 gazillion dollars. And he gains traction in the first debate, where Barack Obama had about as much charisma as my last podiatrist. Still, America went to the polls and showed that they believed in slow, steady recovery; social services and human rights, as opposed to: let’s give all the big corporations bigger tax breaks and hope they hire more part-time cashiers at ten bucks an hour. And wasn’t it fun watching Fox News on election night, seeing Karl Rove stare into the pit of a volcano and say, “Hey, feels chilly to me!”?

Also big in the news, the Arab spring quickly turned into Anarchy autumn. Syria’s having a blood-soaked civil war, Egypt’s on the brink of one, Iran is playing a game of chicken with nuclear weapons – and let me tell you, when it comes to nuclear weapons, I’m chicken. Al Qaeda decided to celebrate the 11th anniversary of 9/11 by killing American diplomats in Libya – really, towelheads, you could’ve sent a cake. And, of course, Israel and the Palestinians have been doing their little tango, which nearly led to full-out war with Hamas. Israel did over-react to the United Nations decision to grant the Palestinians “non-member observer status” in the organization. That’s pretty much like being invited to dine at the local Chinese take-out hovel – and they still give you a table next to the kitchen and make you use the gas-station toilet across the street. Israel built more settlements, but hey, it’s their land. They won the wars, they took the land, they can build condos. If the Arabs ever prove ready for true and lasting peace, and the Israelis are forced to trade for it, then you can knock down the settlements. Or at least take away their HBO.

Of course, at the end of the year, the news was dominated by psychopaths with semi-automatics. First some joker, who thought he was The Joker, walks into a Colorado movie theater and starts blasting. I mean, I know the popcorn was stale, but there are better ways. And then you had that animal in Newtown, Connecticut, firing a hundred rounds of ammunition into an elementary school classroom. He killed six teachers and twenty little angels. Well, they weren’t all angels. I have it on good authority that two of them were bullies and one of them had aspirations of becoming a lawyer – but still… What, too soon? Anyway, immediately, cries went up for reasonable gun control on assault weapons, and the National Rifle Association responded by saying we need more good guys and fewer crazy people. Wow. And we thought the NRA lived in a fantasy world.

I’m happy to say, though, that 2012 was a good year for the LGBTQPNMY community, as many elections proved favorable to the idea of same-sex marriage. I dunno what the big deal is; I’ve had the same sex in my marriage for twenty years. A few states also voted to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana. I, myself, have never tried it, but I do think legalization is a good and long overdue idea. I just feel bad for cancer patients; they get one lousy perk, and now everybody’s in on it.

In October 2012, the East coast of the United States endured Hurricane Sandy, a punishing mix of wind and torrential rain that caused billions of dollars in damage. I remember telling my dear wife, Miriam Libby, “My God, look at how Sandy’s blowing.” And she replied, “Are you watching porn again?”

Speaking of sex, 2012 also saw a few men laid low because they were getting laid on the down-low. When football coach Jerry Sandusky would send his child athletes to the showers, it was punishment for them, but soapy fun time for him. I imagine he’s still having sex in the shower, but now it’s with 300-pound black men who use his tuchas for a garage. An Orthodox Rabbi of the Satmar sect, Nechemya Weberman, was also jailed on multiple counts of sexually abusing children. Which is horrible and despicable and sickening – and still preferable to listening to a children’s choir. And then there was General David Petraeus, who tanked a four-decade career because he took the woman who was writing his autobiography and made her the best chapter.

Meanwhile, women everywhere were devouring every chapter in “Fifty Shades of Grey” [insert Gilbert Gottfried audio clip]. Who knew every woman in America wanted to be submissive, and dominated and ordered what to do? So why the hell do I have to beg mine to clean the dishes?

In 2012, we also said farewell to Neil Armstrong, Dave Brubeck, Ravi Shankar, Levon Helm, Robin Gibb, Davy Jones, Donna Summer, Whitney Houston, Etta James, Nora Ephron, Phyllis Diller, Andy Griffith, Ernest Borgnine, Mike Wallace, Gore Vidal, Hal David, Marvin Hamlisch, Horschack and Juan Epstein, George Jefferson, and, of course, George “Goober” Lindsay. And, as we approach the new year, we say goodbye to the eternal teenager, Dick Clark, who will have a New Year’s Rotting Eve. Too soon?

Yes, it was a tumultuous year, but far from the worst. And we approach 2013 with some optimism. A still-popular president, unemployment numbers and gas prices going down, the Rolling Stones are still rolling, Snooki’s a mom, and whichever 47 percent you are, let us all take heart that the most popular singer in the world right now is not an airbrushed babe or an “American Idol” or a navel-gazing rap star. It’s an overweight ethnic goofball with no discernible talent. So there’s hope for me!

In fact, there’s hope for all of us, because we survived the dreaded twelve/twenty-one/twelve – doomsday! The Mayans were looking at one of those cheap, knock-off sundials. It was a few minutes fast every day, so we’re safe for now; I wouldn’t take bets on 2017.

So I wish a most merry holiday season and much health, happiness and love in the coming year. As Gandhi said, “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” Or, if you don’t have change, be the whole dollar bill.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29263

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #50 (12/23/2012): Gun

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #50 (12/23/2012): Gun Control

Aired December 22, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iRX8beuhkU

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 23rd, 2012.

Anything can be a weapon. A scissor. A tire iron. A baseball bat. If I hit you in the face with a hardcover copy of Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead,” your head will spurt like a fountain. If I drop two pennies off the roof of the Empire State Building, whoever is walking below will lose their cents. You don’t need a gun to hurt someone.

No, I’m not spoiling the plot of the next “Final Destination” movie; I’m offering the motto of the National Rifle Association, the N.R.A. Why ban guns, they say, when they’re just one kind of weapon? Two radio hosts killed a woman by making her drink too much water. Do we ban faucets? Another pair of deejays helped kill a woman by making believe they were the royal family. Do we ban phone calls?

That is the logic the N.R.A. uses to defend guns. Crazy people will always find ways to kill, sometimes with box-cutters on an airplane, sometimes with a loaded gas tank and a 1.2 blood-alcohol level. Guns don’t kill people, they say; people kill people.

The problem as I see it, is that people kill people…with guns. Adam Lanza did not walk into Sandy Hook Elementary School carrying a sharpened broom handle. He didn’t fire off a hundred rounds of ping-pong balls. He had his mother’s guns – three of them. And the N.R.A. says the blame is hers. She should have kept them locked up, safely stored, away from her child. But her child was 20 years old. Which means back when Adam Lanza was sane – presumably – and he turned 18, he was old enough to be shown where the guns were and how to use them. He could have gone to Walmart and gotten his own guns.

And the other cry of the N.R.A. whenever there’s a massacre – which is every couple of weeks in this fakakteh country – well, if one of the good guys had a gun, this wouldn’t have happened. Or the carnage would have been less, because the teacher, or the movie-theater usher, or the flight attendant could whip out a .45 and blast the psycho before he starts running a tally in double digits.

There is some logic to this, if all these pistol-packing good Samaritans have amazing aim, have recent and constant practice, and happen to be just at the wrong place at the right time. I admit, there are times I would love to carry a gun. I also admit that in a dangerous, do-or-die situation, I would reach for the gun, my hand would slip, and I’d shoot myself right in the balls. Just because everyone can own a gun doesn’t mean everyone should own a gun.

What makes me mad about the N.R.A. is their absolute inability to compromise. The Democrats say, “We don’t want to ban guns. We want sensible gun control.” The N.R.A. says, “You can’t ban guns.” The Democrats say, “No, listen. We don’t want to ban guns. We just want more background checks and the banning of semi-automatic weapons.” The N.R.A. says, “You can’t ban guns.” Right-wing Republicans are like autistic children; you can’t reason with them, all you can do is hope to distract them with something shiny.

The second Amendment of the United States Constitution was adopted in 1791. It was created so that people could hunt for food, defend themselves and mainly to protect the former colonies from foreign invasion. If it seems a little silly in 2012 to worry about British redcoats wanting to sleep in your garage, it wasn’t quite so hilarious in late 2001, when you didn’t know when or where the next turban was gonna drop.

So I am not one of those people who thinks only police and the military should have guns. They’re already in power, they don’t need more firepower. It’s perfectly understandable why a rural farmer would want a shotgun, or a Jew carrying merchandise in the diamond district might need a pistol, or a schvartz NFL player in a nightclub might want three colts, a glock and a snub-nose .38. But none of those people needs an AK-47. Nobody needs to fire two dozen uninterrupted rounds unless you’re making Swiss cheese and you’re really pressed for time.

Is it opportunistic of people who are pro-gun control to use a national tragedy for political gain? Sure, just as when Ernest Borgnine died, I lobbied Congress to release the entire “McHale’s Navy” series on Blue-Ray. It was just the right thing to do.

Sensible gun control is also the right thing to do, and it’s a lot smarter than banning midnight movies, elementary schools and high-school cafeterias. Although, banning high-school cafeteria food . . . not the worst idea.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29266

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #049 (12/16/2012): Molest We Forget

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #049 (12/16/2012): Molest We Forget

Aired December 15, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxQnpP0RbMI

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 16th, 2012.

Oy! Happy end of Chanukah, everybody. Why do I say that with such resignation and dispiritedness? Because just when we need to be showing the world that Jews take a higher moral ground . . . Just when we need to be reminding Christians that we’re not evil, we didn’t kill Jesus, we belong in the land of Israel because we earned and deserve it . . . Just when we should show off that Jews are a model of the three L’s: Learning, Law and Lokshen kugel – the Orthodox community of Williamsburg Brooklyn displays the worst of the three I’s: Inhumanity, Insularity and I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with them.

By now you’ve no doubt heard about Rabbi Nechemya Weberman – a Jew, unfortunately, who was convicted of repeated sexual abuse of a young girl. He’s facing 25 years in the slammer for making this shayna maydel act out porn films for him, give him oral sex, and buy things for him retail. And this all started when she was just twelve years old. My God, he used to burn her stomach with a cigarette lighter and then tell her to soothe it with peanut butter when she got home. Peanut butter! I mean, almond butter I understand, but peanut butter?!

I’m making jokes about all this because the truth is so goddamn horrible all you can do is laugh. This monster turned the girl’s parents against her and threatened to toss the whole family out of the religious order if she dared to come forward with her stories. It wasn’t until she switched to a less religious school and started opening up to teachers and counselors there that the truth came out – because the truth always comes out – if not in this world, then the next. If some sect is so tight-knit that a leader can get away with sexual abuse until the day he days, you can bet when he gets to the gates of heaven, Elijah’s up there going, “So, did you observe the Sabbath?”
“Oh yes, every week.”
“Did you give tzedakah to the poor?”
“Absolutely. And I didn’t even do it for the tax deduction, I really meant it!”
“Did you keep all the kosher laws?”
“Are you kidding? I waited ten hours between having meat and milk – not six, ten!”
“Well, Rabbi, I see no reason not to open these gates and let you into paradise. Welcome to – wait a second. Did you make 14-year-old girls masturbate you while you watched Amy Irving in “Yentl?”
“Well, I, uh – ”
“Did you make a teenage boy eat your shmekel and then warn him that if he tattled on you, God would throw him into the fires of hell?”
“Well, I, uh – ”
“Rabbi, you might wanna know, that boy was up here 30 years ago. `Cause he killed himself when he was 17. Good news, though – he’s having a fantastic time. He’s up on cloud nine playing X-box with Anne Frank. You however . . . I hope you brought sunscreen.”

It should not take years or lifetimes to expose revolting behavior like this to the light. Coverups are for dark circles under the eyes, not dark blotches on the soul. And just when you thought the story of Rabbi Weberman couldn’t get any worse, it gets worse. Another Rabbi, Nachum Rosenberg – who probably will be going to heaven, by the way – Rabbi Rosenberg is a longtime advocate for speaking out against abusers. He’s been an oasis for girls and boys who have been subjected to the terrors of sexual assault and the even greater horrors of psychological suppression. He’s been begging the Satmer community to stop sheltering the guilty, stop keeping the laws of America from touching – you should pardon the pun – from penetrating – you should pardon the pun – from affecting this insular Satmer sect.

But no good deed goes unpunished. On his outspoken blog, Rabbi Rosenberg accused the owner of a local fish market of abusing young boys. Now, this may or may not be true, and because this community resists legitimate investigations, finding out the truth can be harder than catching a squid in a butter tank. But one day the Rabbi is strolling through his neighborhood when the son of the fishmarket owner comes up to him. He’s holding a jar of liquid which turns out to be bleach – tosses the bleach in the Rabbi’s face and runs away. Had he not washed his eyes very quickly after the incident, the Rebbe would have gone blind. His shirts would have been really clean but his vision not so good.

Now, because this is the son of the accused, and everything on both sides is just allegation at this point, I will reserve judgment on the particulars of this incident. However, it serves as an object lesson on what happens when you spend years sweeping landmines under the rug. Eventually they start going off in every possible direction, hurting the innocent, the guilty and the just-plain fishy.

And it’s happening in this case because these tight cults want to do everything in-house. No need for police intervention, no need to wash dirty tallises in public; they can monitor everything and keep the outside world out. But do they self-govern? Yes, exactly the way the Catholic church handles the scandals. Got a pedophile priest? Push him from parish to parish. Exactly the way an American president reacts to a sexual boo-boo or a military blunder – deny, discredit, dismiss. That’s way too much alliteration for one paragraph, and way, way too much lying and ducking responsibility on the part of people who should know better.

How sad that thanks to Rabbi Weberman, Rabbis will now be lumped in the same pile as pervo priests – even though, one hopes, and prays, the rotten apples make up just a teeny percentage of Orthodox orchard.

That said, when it comes to sexual misconduct in our community, it’s obvious this is just the tip of the iceberg. And the Goldberg. And the Kleinberg. The Satmers, and every other sect, when dealing with sex, need to be diligent and transparent and not make excuses and exits for evil.

This is gonna get much bigger and uglier before it gets better. So we have to urge the victims don’t be intimidated. Don’t be brainwashed or shouted down. You have to stick it out, because if you don’t, some Rabbi’s gonna stick it out – and in.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29271

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

Aired December 8, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/E8lvJUkZOQs

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 9th, 2012.

Happy Chanukah everybody! What a joy to find ourselves lighting the menorah, spinning the dreidel, eating the latkes, and making believe we’re not jealous of the people across the street celebrating Christmas. December, the very fulcrum of winter, is the perfect time for a holiday that brings us all together for food and fun. Actually, January would be better because December is still close to Thanksgiving and you have more football, but I’m not one to bitch.

To be honest, Chanukah is not the most important holiday. Passover, when we got the hell out of Egypt, that was bigger. Shavuot, where God gave us the Torah – that’s a big one, too. Yom Kippur, where we beg HaShem to forget what a bunch of schmucks we are, pretty major. Chanukah merely celebrates a military victory. Jerusalem was under the control of Syrians and Greeks who forbade the practice of Judaism. Matisyahu – not the reggae, the rebel – Matisyahu and his family rebelled, killed a few people, and took to the hills for training. They came back as an army and forced the Greeks out of the Holy Land.

When Jews went to re-claim the great temple, they saw that it had been defiled. Pigs were slaughtered on the altar. False idols were placed in positions of worship. A giant screen was tuned to QVC. The Jews immediately set about purifying the synagogue. And they probably also repainted a little because there was chipping and you could see the primer. Anyhoo, they started to burn some ritual oil in the candelabra. There was only a teeny bit left, so they figured it would burn for a day or two. What a shock when that minuscule drop of oil stayed lit for eight full days. I had an uncle who stayed lit for ten days, but it took him a case of Jack Daniels to do it. Eight days was just long enough to re-consecrate the temple, long enough to make our children say, “Eh, it’s just chocolate money, but we get it for a week!”

What is the modern significance of Chanukah? What do we learn from this Festival of Lights? First of all, we learn that you can do almost anything if you put your mind to it. One Jewish family defied the laws of the land and created a revolution. Instead of bowing before the Greeks – because we all know, Greeks like it when people bend over – they triumphed as the Maccabees. “Mac” because they became the Syrians’ mac daddies; “bees” because they stung the enemy in the tuchas.

We also learn that miracles happen if you let a little faith go a long way. Have you ever bought a lightbulb that was supposed to last a year, and a decade later, the thing’s still working? It happens. In the hands of HaShem, time is a malleable construct. Sometimes, when I give a sermon, people tell me they look at their watch and it’s been twenty minutes – but it feels like seven hours. A miracle!

Most importantly, we learn from the Chanukah holiday that things can look as bleak and horrible as the schmutz on the bottom of a toaster oven. But HaShem gives us the blessing of change. To quote Bob Dylan, “The wheel’s still in spin.” 2,200 years ago, the Temple was trashed and out of Jewish hands, and then, a week later, it’s ready for kosher catering. So when we look at the crisis in the middle east, or the fiscal cliff, or the music of Kid Rock, we have to say, “It’s all right. The world turns, and nothing truly lasts forever. Except an Orthodox seder.”

But that’s a different holiday. This one is Chanukah with candles and dreidels and latkes and Adam Sandler and jelly donuts and, thanks to fracking, enough oil to last eight centuries.

Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of plexiglass.
And if you don’t like Chanukah,
Then you can kiss my sexy ass.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29312

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #47 (11/25/2012): Gaza Gaza Hey

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #47 (11/25/2012): Gaza Gaza Hey

Aired November 24, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSL0TEmRah4&feature=youtu.be

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of November 25th, 2012.

And so we find ourselves once again on the brink of war with our Arab brothers. We warn them: stop firing rockets in Gaza; they fire rockets in Gaza, and Jerusalem, and Tel Aviv. We tell them, recognize the state of Israel so we can have a starting point for peace talks; they want to obliterate Israel, instead. We say, Hamas and the Palestinian Authority have to be on the same page so we know whom to negotiate with; Mahmoud Abbas is a figurehead and Hamas fires weapons. It’s the same drek that’s been going on for sixty five years, and the tragedy is that it will go on long after our great-great-grandchildren are sipping prune juice in what’s left of Miami.

And, of course, Israel gets blamed. We’re the aggressors, we’re the ones occupying the territories, we’re the ones who own the pro-Jewish media, we’re the ones who keep making sitcom knock-offs of “Two and a Half Men.” A million and twelve times I’ve given my speech about how Israel belongs to Israel, how the Palestinians should go live anywhere else in the Arab world, and how no matter what Israel does – even if Israel were, God forbid, wiped off the map – that would not stop the Arabs from killing and terror and dragging the world back to the fifth century. If anything, it would only embolden them: “Ooh, we destroyed a democracy filled with people who have different social values. Gee, what other country can we do that to?”

Left-wing pundits are saying that Israel should not refuse to negotiate with terrorists. You have to negotiate with Arab terrorists or else there’s no one to talk to. Fine, let Israel negotiate with Hamas, just like we did with Yasser Arafat – because that was so productive, right? If Hamas, or Al-Qaida, or the Taliban, or the PLO, or the AFLCIO want to lay down their weapons and negotiate a true ceasefire – great, get a room at the U.N., we’ll bring the chips and dip. But sixty-five years of overtures to the Arab world have given us only one peace deal, with Egypt, and God knows where that’s headed after the revolution over there.

I’ll say it one more time: if Arabs want to live in Israel, fine. Let them live IN Israel, peacefully, as Israelis, in a Jewish state carved out of a tiny nugget of the middle east as recompense for the Holocaust. If the Arabs don’t want to live IN Israel, they can move to Jordan, or Syria, or Lebanon, or Iran, or Iraq, or Mexico, or Sudan – actually, I just threw Mexico in there to see if you were paying attention. And if the Arabs want to live near Israel, they have to stop sending us exploding Christmas gifts with “Made in Iran” on them.

Yes, Israel gets gazillions of dollars of weapons from the United States – so Israel can keep the Middle East stable instead of having to send American teenagers to do it. And yes, living conditions are grueling in the occupied territories – so don’t live there! Israel won those territories in two wars, they own it – get over it, get off it.

Israel is not going away. It’s our teentsy-weentsy little homeland, and the Arab world – which really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the Palestinians or else the Palestinians would all be living there – the Arab world hates the West, hates the Jews, and has no interest in any kind of peace that does not involve total and complete annihilation of its enemies. Well, maybe not complete annihilation. They’d probably want to leave a few hundred behind just to torture.

At this time of Thanksgiving, let us pray for a cease fire, for cool heads and hopeful headlines, for lasting peace, and for a 48-inch HD TV with surround sound. Hey, at least I have a shot at that last one.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29318

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #46 (10/7/2012): Dave’s Gone By Anniversary

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #46 (10/7/2012): Dave’s Gone By Anniversary

Aired October 7, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Dave’s Gone By Anniversary.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 7th, 2012.

Ten years ago, on a little radio station in Merrick, New York, my good friend Dave Lefkowitz took it upon himself to create a radio program. A program that would mix funny and serious, music and talking, celebrities and nobodies, all with a healthy dose of low-power, AM radio static. He called it “Dave’s Gone By,” and the program debuted October 6th, 2002.

Reaction was immediate. Not since the invention of the Happy Hot Dog Man has an event been met with such a breathtaking combination of loathing and apathy. And yet Dave persevered, week after week, month after month (and on the Hebrew calendar, we sometimes have 13 months a year, so that’s even longer), year after year until here we are, a decade later. For reasons only HaShem knows, Dave’s Gone By is still on the radio, still maintaining its unique format, still passing for entertainment.

Many Jews have been guests on Dave’s Gone By. Not as many as I’d like, but still. Fyvush Finkel, Bruce Adler, Shecky Greene, Robby Benson, Gilbert Gottfried, Bonnie Franklin, Joe Franklin, Tovah Feldshuh – with that name, she actually counts as two Jews – Neil Sedaka, Jill Sobule, Theodore Bikel, Oscar Brand, David Bromberg, Sheldon Harnick – the list goes on and on, much as I do in temple.

Most importantly, though, ten years ago I was in that dilapidated little radio station taking part in the very first Dave’s Gone By episode. Before I began doing my weekly Rabbinical Reflections, Dave would have me on his program occasionally to celebrate the Jewish holidays, to offer my thoughts on current events, and to perform the occasional circumcision on his political enemies.

I remember my very first appearance on the show. As a public service for women listening in the audience, I explained the importance of checking yourself for breast cancer. I even demonstrated, squeezing my own man-kneidels to look for lumps. I would have preferred a female volunteer but no one entered the contest, and the last girl I tried that with screamed “rape,” so I made do with what I had.

Since that time in 2002, I have appeared on dozens of Dave’s Gone By episodes conducting interviews, singing, bestowing blessings, and every single time I am grateful to my friend, Dave, for giving me the opportunity to reach his loyal single-digit listenership. Now that he is on this exciting radio station at the University of Northern Colorado, I hope to keep sharing my Rabbinical Reflections for many years to come, offering, as always, a little thought, a little laughter, and a lot of yelling.

That is why I would like to close today’s reflection with a special blessing for Dave and his radio show.

(sings) Baruch atah Duvid Lefkowitz, entertainer, melech of the mic. You make no money but you persevere. You’re the bagel, I’m the shmear. We’re all glad you’re here. Amen.

Happy Anniversary, Duvid. And good luck finding a real job someday.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

Aired September 29, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://youtu.be/5EnyHNhpAwA

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 30th, 2012.

When was the last time you gave a rat’s tuchas about a subway advertisement? You’re walking on the platform at 42nd Street or 14th Street, and what do you pass? There’s an ad for a new horror movie that looks horrible. There’s an ad for a new Kevin James film that looks even more horrible than the horror movie. Then you get those ads from the MTA warning you to watch the gap or if you see something, say something. Which is ridiculous, because if you spoke out every time you saw something weird or scary on the subway, you’d never shut up!

But this past week has put the New York subways in the news in a way they haven’t been since those flash mobs had people climbing aboard wearing no pants. How I missed that, I do not know. I keep hoping I’ll see women with no pants on the M-4 bus, but no luck. I’ve seen one or two pantsless men, but that was not a political statement, those were homeless guys getting too friendly with my leg.

Anyhoo, this week, an organization called the American Freedom Defense Initiative won the legal right to put up posters in the New York subway system. In big white letters on a black background, they have this quote: “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man,” unquote. Underneath, in blue letters, it says, “Support Israel.” Under that, in red letters, “Defeat Jihad.”

As you might expect, a firestorm of controversy has greeted this ad campaign, with Arabs freaking out, and Jews who are afraid of Arabs freaking out even more. Now, it’s hard to argue with the basic message: When you have one country that is a friend to the United States and is the only democracy in the middle east, you have to support it. When you have an ideology that is bent on destroying Western civilization through fear, violence and torture, it’s probably a good idea to oppose it.

First, let’s put the quote in context. It originally comes from novelist Ayn Rand, a Jewish Russian who wrote two great and very, very, very, very, very, very long books called “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead.” In 1973, Rand was upset about the Yom Kippur War – you know, the one where the Arabs attacked Israel on the holiest day of the year? And she made some seriously anti-Arab remarks that went a lot farther than the 18 words paraphrased in the subway ad. Still, considering the circumstances, her anger and racism were, if not excusable, certainly understandable in context.

And it’s hard to argue with the text of the ad. “Jihad” means religious war. It is the struggle of Muslims against anything remotely threatening to their way of life. Unfortunately, that could be anything from defending the ancient Byzantine Empire to putting a price on Salman Rushdie’s head. Or worse, cutting off Theo Van Gogh’s head.

And let’s not forget that happy little day in September 2001 when Al Qaida decided to teach America a lesson in religious tolerance and brotherhood.

But okay, I am not immune to the subtleties of language. If you call one group savages, and then you say “support Israel,” there is a coded message that over-generalizes. Even though the advertisement doesn’t say all Muslims are savages, there’s still a nasty undertone. It’s like when people say Midwesterners won’t get a joke because it’s too New York – we know what they really mean.

And so, the call has gone out to take the posters down, Arab-American protesters have been arrested for spray-painting over them, twats are tweeting on their twitters that the ad is just throwing gasoline on the fires of racial intolerance from both sides.

How do I feel about the whole thing? Thank you for asking. First of all, I agree with the message of the poster 100 percent, but only IF we take Jihad to mean the darkest, worst part of the Muslim credo. Others have pointed out that “holy war” does not have to be violent, and that an Arab rejecting a ham sandwich is obeying Jihad, just the way a Jew rejecting bacon is obeying Kashrut. Except the Jew has it harder because bacon is soooo good.

The wording of the sign is inflammatory, or at least uncomfortable, especially in the subway. It’s an underground, closed-in space, and if I were standing next to a Muslim next to that sign, I’d feel ooky – just as ooky as I do when I’m on the train and some asshole bellows a verse of “Amazing Grace” hoping people will give him money so he won’t sing the second verse.

There are better places and better ways to make the case for defending Israel, and for keeping our guard up against the Ahmadinejads and the Mullahs – and the Bin Ladens and the Arafats and the small number of Arab Muslims who force us to hate and fear the millions of Muslims who are not savages. Well, except when they’re watching soccer.

If only they would change the sign to read, “Support Israel. Stop Terrorism.” Or, “Support Peace, Ban the Taliban.” Something we can all get behind. In any war between the subtext and the urtext, be careful with both.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29327

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #44 (9/23/2012): Atonement

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #44 (9/23/2012): Atonement

Aired September 22, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By.
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0N1WRgt1zc

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 23rd, 2012.

Repent! Repent! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!

Just screwing with you. We’ll be around for awhile longer, but it’s always good to take one day out of the year and apologize for all the crap we pull every other day of the year.

Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, is not a get-out-of-gehenna-free card. You don’t confess and magically find yourself absolved and awarded with a Starbucks Gold Card. Like it or not, you are still the same schmucky you. But at least you have taken a few hours to reflect upon your weaknesses, to wonder whom you might have hurt, and to ask God to take a little pity and keep you in the book of life for one more year.

Notice, I put God on the tail end of that sentence. That is no disrespect to you-know-who. And by you-know-who, I mean God. That’s why I said “you know who” `cause I just mentioned him by name, so you’d know who – he’d be fresh in your mind. If I’d meant Buddah, that would have been a surprise, you would not have known who. Or former Rolling Stones bass player Bill Wyman – that would have really come out of left field, you couldn’t possibly have guessed who. Unless you were God, who knows everything. He would know who. And in this case, it would be He. Horton would hear a who, but he wouldn’t know which who he heard. Unless God told him. He would say, “Horton, you’re hearing me. Now go hatch an egg. And tell Maisie she needs to atone.”

Which brings me back to my original point: the day of atonement is for people. We pray to God, we ask God’s forgiveness, we repent our sins. But we do this, not just to assuage the rage of a disappointed God, but to become better people. To realize that our actions have consequences that affect everyone around us. If we lie, if we cheat, if we buy retail, we create unhappiness in other people. Sure, most of them deserve it, but that’s not our call to make.

If you shoplift a dress from Ann Taylor, does HaShem care? Maybe, maybe not – he’s busy. But the security guard in the store who’s paid to watch the merchandise: he cares. The employees who make lower wages because lost income affects the bottom line – they care. The family members who see you in that dress at the holidays – they don’t care; they don’t even know it’s stolen. But they still call you a slut because the dress is too small and the color kind of whorish.

Unlike the Catholics, Jews atone, not because of our fear of the next world, but out of love and respect for the people in this one. Yes, in the Kol Nidre prayer, we ask God’s pardon from promises we couldn’t keep, and yes, we don’t eat for 24 hours – which for Jews is a torture worse than being trapped in an elevator with the Dance Moms. Far be it from me to say that Jews shouldn’t afraid of going to hell – or worse, West Hempstead, but as Jean Paul Sartre proved: hell can be other people. This is the planet we’re on for however long we’re on it, so if we are forced to think twice about how we treat our fellow travelers, maybe they will do the same for us. And that makes a better planet for everybody.

So this Yom Kipper, when it’s 4:30 in the afternoon, and you’re tired, and you’re grumpy, and your breath smells like something that malformed in Jerry Stiller’s tuchas, remember that you’re there to do better, to be better, or at least to try harder.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Lather, rinse, repent.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29332

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #42 (6/10/2012): 2012 Tony Awards

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #42 (6/10/2012): 2012 Tony Awards

Aired June 9, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SvBP6aCB8o

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a special Rabbinical Reflection on the 2012 Tony Awards.

You know, I look at the 2011-2012 Broadway season, its mix of classic revivals, ultra-modern musical imagery, fabulous roles for strong women, the return of Disney, intelligent and socially conscious new plays – what an array! And yet, I can’t help thinking . . . what’s with all the goyim?

I mean, of course, there are Jews everywhere; this is Broadway. Without Jews and faigeles, West 45th Street would just be Starbucks, Duane Reade, McDonalds, a bigger Starbucks, a pretzel stand and a third Starbucks on the corner. And you’ll see Jewish names connected to a host of Tony nominations, from the Gershwins and Sondheim to actors Danny Burstein and Judy Kaye and Lifetime Achievement winner Manny Azenberg. He should win a special Tony just because he never changed his name to Manfred Azalia III.

So it’s not as if this a Jew-free jubilee. Still, I’m seeing way too much Jesus this particular Broadway season. First of all there’s Jesus Christ Superstar, with all the Jews going, `Crucify him, crucify him, crucify him.’ I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s not my idea of entertainment. And as if one Jesus Christ musical weren’t enough, there’s also a revival of Godspell, written by a Jew, no less. Whatsamatter, Stephen Schwartz? Moses not good enough for ya? Abraham? Isaac? The prophet Zephaniah? Use a little imagination. I realize Andrew Lloyd Webber already took Joseph, and you can’t do Sampson and Delilah because there’s already a musical called “Hair,” but still . . .

Other faiths are well represented on Broadway: Sister Act has nuns, The Book of Mormon has Latter Day Saints, Leap of Faith had evangelicals, Wicked has witches. So why are we left out? Where’s the marquee that reads, “Now Playing: `Pushy Complainers’?”

Where are the Jewish in this year’s Tony-nominated shows, hah? You won’t find `em in Once, about an Irish folksinger and a Czechoslovakian. It’s got that big song “Falling Slowly.” (sings) “Falling slowly, falling slowly” – Jews don’t fall slowly; we fall straight down and break a hip.

There’s Newsies, the Disney show about striking newspaper boys. You’d think a musical about New York unions would be full of socialist Yids. But no. They have one major character, Davey, who’s so obviously Jewish, they might as well put him in a fur hat and call him Shichmichail. He’s thoughtful, he’s intelligent, he’s passive-aggressive and something of a pussy. But do they mention his religion at all? No, all traces of Eastern Europe have been magically erased from this secondary role.

Same thing in Death of a Salesman! Arthur Miller – Jew. Director Mike Nichols – Jew. Willy Loman – ehhhh.. nondescript American. Unspecified racial heritage. You know, Dustin Hoffman may not have been the best Broadway Loman, but at least his Willy had a circumcised willie. And what about the next door neighbors: Charley and his son Bernard. No religious affiliation? No menorah in the back window even? Bernard is a friggin’ lawyer! Broadway, what are you hiding? Let Jews be Jews.

Where are the Jews in the other shows? You got the musical Lysistrata Jones which is all about great athletes. Obviously, no Jews there. Evita, about Argentinians – and we all know who moved there after the war. Frank Wildhorn, a landsman, he wrote a musical, Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, we don’t want them to be Jewish. But One Man, Two Guvnors? I’d rather see “Two Jews, Four Opinions.”

Oh sure, Jews are alluded to in other shows. Venus in Fur – anything with fur, you’re basically talking my people. Porgy and Bess has a character called “Crown,” which reminds us of all the fine Jewish dentists. Stick Fly, which is pretty much what a mohel does. And lest we forget, Spider-Man, which took eight months to open. Kind of like a Jewish girl’s legs.

I’m not saying every show has to be Fiddler on the Roof or The Zulu and the Zayde, but let’s not forget, or forghettoize, the tribe of people without whom Broadway could hardly exist in its present form. Apart from the hilariously dysfunctional Jewish family in The Lyons, overtly Jewish characters are strangely and sadly absent from this season’s Broadway contenders.

Of course, off-Broadway, I did my own show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, which is hilarious and brilliant and coming back to New York in August. For more information, visit shalomdammit.com. And there’s currently a show in New York called “Old Jews Telling Jokes.” I think that’s wonderful. I just hope it doesn’t move to Broadway and star Mel Gibson, John Galliano, Louis Farrakhan and Spike Lee.

Anyway, I would like to close my little benediction by congratulating not just the Tony nominees but all the fine people who do great work on and off-Broadway, whether recognized or not. Maybe a kindly usher, a stage manager who can be a zillion places at once, a conductor with magnificent finesse. They all contribute to that moment when the curtain parts and steals our hearts. Bravo and mazel tov.

This has been a theatrical Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.