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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

Aired September 29, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://youtu.be/5EnyHNhpAwA

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 30th, 2012.

When was the last time you gave a rat’s tuchas about a subway advertisement? You’re walking on the platform at 42nd Street or 14th Street, and what do you pass? There’s an ad for a new horror movie that looks horrible. There’s an ad for a new Kevin James film that looks even more horrible than the horror movie. Then you get those ads from the MTA warning you to watch the gap or if you see something, say something. Which is ridiculous, because if you spoke out every time you saw something weird or scary on the subway, you’d never shut up!

But this past week has put the New York subways in the news in a way they haven’t been since those flash mobs had people climbing aboard wearing no pants. How I missed that, I do not know. I keep hoping I’ll see women with no pants on the M-4 bus, but no luck. I’ve seen one or two pantsless men, but that was not a political statement, those were homeless guys getting too friendly with my leg.

Anyhoo, this week, an organization called the American Freedom Defense Initiative won the legal right to put up posters in the New York subway system. In big white letters on a black background, they have this quote: “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man,” unquote. Underneath, in blue letters, it says, “Support Israel.” Under that, in red letters, “Defeat Jihad.”

As you might expect, a firestorm of controversy has greeted this ad campaign, with Arabs freaking out, and Jews who are afraid of Arabs freaking out even more. Now, it’s hard to argue with the basic message: When you have one country that is a friend to the United States and is the only democracy in the middle east, you have to support it. When you have an ideology that is bent on destroying Western civilization through fear, violence and torture, it’s probably a good idea to oppose it.

First, let’s put the quote in context. It originally comes from novelist Ayn Rand, a Jewish Russian who wrote two great and very, very, very, very, very, very long books called “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead.” In 1973, Rand was upset about the Yom Kippur War – you know, the one where the Arabs attacked Israel on the holiest day of the year? And she made some seriously anti-Arab remarks that went a lot farther than the 18 words paraphrased in the subway ad. Still, considering the circumstances, her anger and racism were, if not excusable, certainly understandable in context.

And it’s hard to argue with the text of the ad. “Jihad” means religious war. It is the struggle of Muslims against anything remotely threatening to their way of life. Unfortunately, that could be anything from defending the ancient Byzantine Empire to putting a price on Salman Rushdie’s head. Or worse, cutting off Theo Van Gogh’s head.

And let’s not forget that happy little day in September 2001 when Al Qaida decided to teach America a lesson in religious tolerance and brotherhood.

But okay, I am not immune to the subtleties of language. If you call one group savages, and then you say “support Israel,” there is a coded message that over-generalizes. Even though the advertisement doesn’t say all Muslims are savages, there’s still a nasty undertone. It’s like when people say Midwesterners won’t get a joke because it’s too New York – we know what they really mean.

And so, the call has gone out to take the posters down, Arab-American protesters have been arrested for spray-painting over them, twats are tweeting on their twitters that the ad is just throwing gasoline on the fires of racial intolerance from both sides.

How do I feel about the whole thing? Thank you for asking. First of all, I agree with the message of the poster 100 percent, but only IF we take Jihad to mean the darkest, worst part of the Muslim credo. Others have pointed out that “holy war” does not have to be violent, and that an Arab rejecting a ham sandwich is obeying Jihad, just the way a Jew rejecting bacon is obeying Kashrut. Except the Jew has it harder because bacon is soooo good.

The wording of the sign is inflammatory, or at least uncomfortable, especially in the subway. It’s an underground, closed-in space, and if I were standing next to a Muslim next to that sign, I’d feel ooky – just as ooky as I do when I’m on the train and some asshole bellows a verse of “Amazing Grace” hoping people will give him money so he won’t sing the second verse.

There are better places and better ways to make the case for defending Israel, and for keeping our guard up against the Ahmadinejads and the Mullahs – and the Bin Ladens and the Arafats and the small number of Arab Muslims who force us to hate and fear the millions of Muslims who are not savages. Well, except when they’re watching soccer.

If only they would change the sign to read, “Support Israel. Stop Terrorism.” Or, “Support Peace, Ban the Taliban.” Something we can all get behind. In any war between the subtext and the urtext, be careful with both.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29327

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #44 (9/23/2012): Atonement

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #44 (9/23/2012): Atonement

Aired September 22, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By.
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0N1WRgt1zc

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 23rd, 2012.

Repent! Repent! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!

Just screwing with you. We’ll be around for awhile longer, but it’s always good to take one day out of the year and apologize for all the crap we pull every other day of the year.

Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, is not a get-out-of-gehenna-free card. You don’t confess and magically find yourself absolved and awarded with a Starbucks Gold Card. Like it or not, you are still the same schmucky you. But at least you have taken a few hours to reflect upon your weaknesses, to wonder whom you might have hurt, and to ask God to take a little pity and keep you in the book of life for one more year.

Notice, I put God on the tail end of that sentence. That is no disrespect to you-know-who. And by you-know-who, I mean God. That’s why I said “you know who” `cause I just mentioned him by name, so you’d know who – he’d be fresh in your mind. If I’d meant Buddah, that would have been a surprise, you would not have known who. Or former Rolling Stones bass player Bill Wyman – that would have really come out of left field, you couldn’t possibly have guessed who. Unless you were God, who knows everything. He would know who. And in this case, it would be He. Horton would hear a who, but he wouldn’t know which who he heard. Unless God told him. He would say, “Horton, you’re hearing me. Now go hatch an egg. And tell Maisie she needs to atone.”

Which brings me back to my original point: the day of atonement is for people. We pray to God, we ask God’s forgiveness, we repent our sins. But we do this, not just to assuage the rage of a disappointed God, but to become better people. To realize that our actions have consequences that affect everyone around us. If we lie, if we cheat, if we buy retail, we create unhappiness in other people. Sure, most of them deserve it, but that’s not our call to make.

If you shoplift a dress from Ann Taylor, does HaShem care? Maybe, maybe not – he’s busy. But the security guard in the store who’s paid to watch the merchandise: he cares. The employees who make lower wages because lost income affects the bottom line – they care. The family members who see you in that dress at the holidays – they don’t care; they don’t even know it’s stolen. But they still call you a slut because the dress is too small and the color kind of whorish.

Unlike the Catholics, Jews atone, not because of our fear of the next world, but out of love and respect for the people in this one. Yes, in the Kol Nidre prayer, we ask God’s pardon from promises we couldn’t keep, and yes, we don’t eat for 24 hours – which for Jews is a torture worse than being trapped in an elevator with the Dance Moms. Far be it from me to say that Jews shouldn’t afraid of going to hell – or worse, West Hempstead, but as Jean Paul Sartre proved: hell can be other people. This is the planet we’re on for however long we’re on it, so if we are forced to think twice about how we treat our fellow travelers, maybe they will do the same for us. And that makes a better planet for everybody.

So this Yom Kipper, when it’s 4:30 in the afternoon, and you’re tired, and you’re grumpy, and your breath smells like something that malformed in Jerry Stiller’s tuchas, remember that you’re there to do better, to be better, or at least to try harder.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Lather, rinse, repent.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29332

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #42 (6/10/2012): 2012 Tony Awards

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #42 (6/10/2012): 2012 Tony Awards

Aired June 9, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SvBP6aCB8o

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a special Rabbinical Reflection on the 2012 Tony Awards.

You know, I look at the 2011-2012 Broadway season, its mix of classic revivals, ultra-modern musical imagery, fabulous roles for strong women, the return of Disney, intelligent and socially conscious new plays – what an array! And yet, I can’t help thinking . . . what’s with all the goyim?

I mean, of course, there are Jews everywhere; this is Broadway. Without Jews and faigeles, West 45th Street would just be Starbucks, Duane Reade, McDonalds, a bigger Starbucks, a pretzel stand and a third Starbucks on the corner. And you’ll see Jewish names connected to a host of Tony nominations, from the Gershwins and Sondheim to actors Danny Burstein and Judy Kaye and Lifetime Achievement winner Manny Azenberg. He should win a special Tony just because he never changed his name to Manfred Azalia III.

So it’s not as if this a Jew-free jubilee. Still, I’m seeing way too much Jesus this particular Broadway season. First of all there’s Jesus Christ Superstar, with all the Jews going, `Crucify him, crucify him, crucify him.’ I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s not my idea of entertainment. And as if one Jesus Christ musical weren’t enough, there’s also a revival of Godspell, written by a Jew, no less. Whatsamatter, Stephen Schwartz? Moses not good enough for ya? Abraham? Isaac? The prophet Zephaniah? Use a little imagination. I realize Andrew Lloyd Webber already took Joseph, and you can’t do Sampson and Delilah because there’s already a musical called “Hair,” but still . . .

Other faiths are well represented on Broadway: Sister Act has nuns, The Book of Mormon has Latter Day Saints, Leap of Faith had evangelicals, Wicked has witches. So why are we left out? Where’s the marquee that reads, “Now Playing: `Pushy Complainers’?”

Where are the Jewish in this year’s Tony-nominated shows, hah? You won’t find `em in Once, about an Irish folksinger and a Czechoslovakian. It’s got that big song “Falling Slowly.” (sings) “Falling slowly, falling slowly” – Jews don’t fall slowly; we fall straight down and break a hip.

There’s Newsies, the Disney show about striking newspaper boys. You’d think a musical about New York unions would be full of socialist Yids. But no. They have one major character, Davey, who’s so obviously Jewish, they might as well put him in a fur hat and call him Shichmichail. He’s thoughtful, he’s intelligent, he’s passive-aggressive and something of a pussy. But do they mention his religion at all? No, all traces of Eastern Europe have been magically erased from this secondary role.

Same thing in Death of a Salesman! Arthur Miller – Jew. Director Mike Nichols – Jew. Willy Loman – ehhhh.. nondescript American. Unspecified racial heritage. You know, Dustin Hoffman may not have been the best Broadway Loman, but at least his Willy had a circumcised willie. And what about the next door neighbors: Charley and his son Bernard. No religious affiliation? No menorah in the back window even? Bernard is a friggin’ lawyer! Broadway, what are you hiding? Let Jews be Jews.

Where are the Jews in the other shows? You got the musical Lysistrata Jones which is all about great athletes. Obviously, no Jews there. Evita, about Argentinians – and we all know who moved there after the war. Frank Wildhorn, a landsman, he wrote a musical, Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, we don’t want them to be Jewish. But One Man, Two Guvnors? I’d rather see “Two Jews, Four Opinions.”

Oh sure, Jews are alluded to in other shows. Venus in Fur – anything with fur, you’re basically talking my people. Porgy and Bess has a character called “Crown,” which reminds us of all the fine Jewish dentists. Stick Fly, which is pretty much what a mohel does. And lest we forget, Spider-Man, which took eight months to open. Kind of like a Jewish girl’s legs.

I’m not saying every show has to be Fiddler on the Roof or The Zulu and the Zayde, but let’s not forget, or forghettoize, the tribe of people without whom Broadway could hardly exist in its present form. Apart from the hilariously dysfunctional Jewish family in The Lyons, overtly Jewish characters are strangely and sadly absent from this season’s Broadway contenders.

Of course, off-Broadway, I did my own show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, which is hilarious and brilliant and coming back to New York in August. For more information, visit shalomdammit.com. And there’s currently a show in New York called “Old Jews Telling Jokes.” I think that’s wonderful. I just hope it doesn’t move to Broadway and star Mel Gibson, John Galliano, Louis Farrakhan and Spike Lee.

Anyway, I would like to close my little benediction by congratulating not just the Tony nominees but all the fine people who do great work on and off-Broadway, whether recognized or not. Maybe a kindly usher, a stage manager who can be a zillion places at once, a conductor with magnificent finesse. They all contribute to that moment when the curtain parts and steals our hearts. Bravo and mazel tov.

This has been a theatrical Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #43 (9/9/2012): New Reviews

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #43 (9/9/2012): New Reviews

Aired September 9, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoX71_XOpKQ&feature=youtu.be

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 9, 2012.

You know, I worried when I was bringing my show, Shalom Dammit!, back to New York, that off-off-Broadway would not be ready for me, that I would slink away with my tuchas between my legs, older, sadder and wiser.

Well, I am older and sadder, but not wiser! I had a wonderful time doing my show at the Roy Arias Theater Center for two weeks last month. We did 18 shows – chai! – and we had the perfect mix of audiences: young people who thought they were seeing Seinfeld, old people who thought they were at Yom Kippur services, and middle-aged people who paid bupkis for their tickets, fell asleep, then went home at intermission to watch “Ice Road Truckers.”

But somewhere in there, we had people who got it. Audiences who laughed and clapped, or laughed and had the clap, or simply rode the wave of comedy, anger and education that is Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Me. Best of all, the critics were nearly unanimous in their accolades. I may not know much, but I do know that when critics hand you accolades, you make accolemonade.

These are just some quotes from real theater critics in their reviews of my show. “A stimulating and exhilarating experience!” Roy Sander, BistroAwards.com. Oh wait, he was talking about his new shower head.

Irene Backalenick, 90-year-old theater critic for Jewish-Theatre.com, wrote: “Shalom Dammit! calls to mind the more political, biting commentators of another ilk. We think of Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce, Jackie Mason, Jerry Seinfeld!” Wow! Of course, she left out Pigmeat Markham, but nobody’s perfect.

Ed Malin, of New York Theater.com called me “humorously self-loathing,” which is only half right: I loathe everybody. But he also said, “If you are looking to laugh at yourself a little, and others a lot more, this would be a good show to attend.” Well, who isn’t looking to laugh at others? Republicans, lawyers, people with lupus – they all come in for their share of giggles.

And how about this from “Two on the Aisle” TV host, Leslie (Hoban) Blake: “Wildly funny and intentionally abrasive – think Tom Lehrer.” Whoa, Tom Lehrer! Leslie, I am not worthy, I am not worthy, I am – okay, I’m a little worthy, but to compare me to the greatest comedy songwriter since Rod McKuen – if you count intentional and unintentional – I can only bow my head very low and say, “hmm . . . what the hell is that on my shoes?”

Now, not everyone is a fan. Some people were offended. Especially the fat ones. Some people didn’t like my poking fun of the absurdity of all religions. Some folks objected to my calling Arab leaders vicious, dishonest, magic-carpet-riding, Satan-worshipping terrorists. Actually, nobody objected to that, but still. . . there were grumbles. Joel Benjamin of TheaterScene.net wrote, quote, “Rabbi Sol Solomon makes many valiant points that are completely on the mark, but his need to shock with profanity, body-function humor and sexual innuendo undermine him.” Sexual innuendo? Moi? I have a bone to pick with you, Joel Benjamin. I can’t believe you’re being so hard on me. I just think you’re being a dick-ensian prude. Penis.

But seriously, Mr. Benjamin goes on to suggest that, quote, “One less poop joke and a lighter touch would have served his mission better.” Okay, which one? It’s like Mozart with too many notes. Which poop joke hits the fan? The one about the pile of poop in a field? The one about my gastroenteritis? The one about getting explosive Taco Bell diarrhea last night? No, wait, that wasn’t a joke, I was still wiping this morning.

Mr. Benjamin, with all due respect, I feed on poop! Contrary to Mary Poppins’s diagnosis that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, I say a bucketful of shit helps people laugh, forces them to exhale and not be so uptight, and then allows me to bring my message to the masses, and my mass to the messes. If I want you to pay attention, I’m gonna use exactly the words and the phrases that will make you take notice – even if it means lobbing Yiddishisms, bad puns, and even scatology. After all, I’m not a Scath-olic.

But to his credit, even Mr. Benjamin notes that I have a “genuine spark,” an untameable whirlwind of passion. Which would shock the hell out of my wife, let me tell ya. So I thank him and all the critics and audiences who came to my show and let me practice my special brand of Judaism on them.

You’ll be happy to know I am in the process of re-shaping the show into a one-act – so no one can escape at intermission – and to make Shalom Dammit! even better for touring and bringing back to Manhattan. I will leave my last words to the theater journalist and author Iris Dorbian, who called my show, “uproariously funny. Will make your sides split with laughter while making you think. A rare combo!” Actually, that happens anytime I watch Fox News, but I’m still grateful for your compliments, your attendance, your applause, and your money. Just in case you forgot I was Jewish: thank you, paying customers, for your money.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29338

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, TempleSons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #41 (5/13/2012): Arresting the Molesting

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #41 (5/13/2012): Arresting the Molesting

Aired May 12, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Arresting the Molesting

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of May 13th, 2012.

Did you see the New York Times article on Thursday about Jewish men and children in the ultra-Orthodox community? Very touching story. Very touching – the men were touching the boys, the men were touching themselves. Years of molestation and abuse – just as it’s been in the Catholic Church, just as it’s been in every community, religious or otherwise.

And what the newspaper article points out, alas, is that not only do fear and shame keep victims from coming forward – not to mention coming – but intimidation from neighbors and even rabbis has protected the guilty and rendered the innocent helpless. Some kid will get molested, he tells his parents – if he has the guts – and do they go to the police? No. They go to the school, to the rabbinate. And for the sake of keeping the community isolated, everything is hushed up. Maybe the perpetrator is reprimanded, maybe not. In some cases the parents are offered literal hush money, so the child can pay for therapy but otherwise keep his mouth shut. Well, unless it’s around the schlong of his Rebbe.

These Jewish leaders are so afraid of the outside world, so loathe to put one of their own in the hands of a goyische tribunal, they will beg families not to press charges, not to do anything that might reflect badly on their little shtetl. Even worse, threats are used. Jews who speak up are ostracized by their neighbors, harassed by phone calls, evicted by their landlords, warned that if they continue to prosecute, their children will be expelled from school and forced to wear their payes in the shape of a vagina.

As I said, this is no different from the Catholic priests, who close ranks around a pervert, move him to another parish, and spend their afternoons draining splooge out of the holy water. It is no different from black ghettoes, with the crack and the meth and shootings and the stabbings and the grape soda. Do they work with the cops? No, police are “the man,” or, to be more grammatically correct, “the men.” To be fair, police brutality, racism and corruption have not exactly earned the trust of the schvartz community. So approaching them is like a chicken saying, “Hey, Mr. Fox. We have a fire in the hen house; come fix!” But what happens is – by refusing to cooperate with a former enemy, black neighborhoods crumble from the enemy within.

Jewish Lubavitch and Satmer communities may not be falling apart on the outside – in fact they’re booming – but if they refuse to address hurtful criminal activity, they will shrivel morally into something so ugly, Carrot Top will look normal by comparison.

Quoted in the Times article is Rabbi Tzvi Gluck, one of the good guys, who urges teenagers to report their abuse to the police. Says Rabbi Gluck, quote, “If a guy in our community gets diagnosed with cancer, the whole community will come running to help him. But if someone says they were a victim of abuse, the community looks at them and says, `Go jump in the lake.’” And swimming in that lake would be a naked rabbi.

Okay, I added that last part, but this is disgusting and disgraceful behavior on the part of my Jewish brethren. Sexual molestation of children is not just a crime, it is an act of evil. And if the tribe is too uptight about sex and the human body to punish the offenders, you put down the Torah and you pick up the goddamn phone. Because the little girl who comes home with blood in her Underoos, or the little boy who starts pissing himself in synagogue because he was fingered in the Mikvah – they are not to blame. Middle-aged men with shmeckels are to blame. And if they happen to be deeply religious, respected members of a religious Orthodox enclave – shame on them double-double. All the more reason to investigate, substantiate and incarcerate so he won’t make a child of eight masturbate on a seder plate.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #40 (4/8/2012): Mezuzah Meshuggah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #40 (4/8/2012): Mezuzah Meshuggah

Aired April 7, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mov2WBjah6k&feature=youtu.be

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 8th, 2012.

“The mezuzah stays up!”

No, that’s not what my wife says when I take Viagra. It’s what a lawyer told the public after both sides settled a brouhaha over a Jewhaha.

A week ago, a woman living in a ritzy-titzy condominium in Stratford, Connecticut, was ordered – ordered! – by her co-op board to take down her mezuzah. A mezuzah, of course, is the tiny scroll of parchment that Jewish people put on their houses to ward off Jehovah’s Witnesses. We place a mezuzah on the frame of every doorway, so whenever we walk into a room, we know there’s a shriveled little piece of paper watching over us. Well, it beats a rabbit’s foot.

Jews have been doing this for thousands of years based on a mandate in the Torah that we should affix certain phrases to our doors. And not just phrases like, “please, no more menus.”

So out in Connecticut, Barbara Cadrenel, a plucky middle-aged Jewess, did what the Torah asked her to do: she put a mezuzah on her door frame. “No!” said the co-op board. “You are structurally changing the design of your home, which goes against our bylaws.”

How did the co-op board explain the presence of crosses on many other doors in the complex? Simple. The crosses were nailed to the doors – not the door frames. Ohhh. Must be nice to have a lawyer in the Klan.

But seriously, to me, the most infuriating part of this double standard was that the lady didn’t even nail her mezuzah to the frame. She velcroed it. Velcro! The best thing to happen to a pair of shoes since taking them off.

And still, the co-op board threatened to fine Cadrenel fifty dollars a day if she didn’t take the scroll down. One week, one lawsuit and a media firestorm later – I am happy to say, everything has worked out for the best. The co-op board apologized to the woman and said, in no uncertain terms, “we were stupid, we were ignorant, the only Jews we’ve ever seen are on `Seinfeld,’ please put your mezuzah wherever you want, so long as it doesn’t put some voodoo hex on our crèche.”

By the way, if you think I’m exaggerating the board’s dumbness, this is what their attorney said in settling the case. Quote: “I didn’t realize, and the board members didn’t realize what a mezuzah was. I didn’t realize the significance.” Unquote. The board members didn’t know what a mezuzah was? Is this a co-op or a yurt? And while I appreciate their apology, don’t tell me the second they started threatening this woman with fines and legal fees, and she came back to them saying, “this is a religious symbol. My people have been doing this for thousands of years. Walk through a Jewish neighborhood – okay, maybe not in Connecticut but in New Jersey. Open a goddamn Wiki page!” Why does it take a week of closing in and lawyering up to come out and say what you must have been told the first hour this mishegoss went down?

Now, I’m not pointing fingers or shouting “anti-Semitism” or calling for a Million-Jew March down Milford. I’m just saying that even in this day and age, when we know something about everyone, and we’re a mouse click away from knowing too much about everybody, it’s amazing how people can have no clue. Next time I see someone sitting on a subway holding a rosary, I think I’ll say, “Hey! Nice beads. Do they all go in your vagina or do – what? You mean that t-shaped thing in the middle isn’t a battery-operated control stick?” Well, whaddya know.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29390

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

click above to listen (audio only)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

Aired March 24, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AONO3DfOp1k&t=141s

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 25th, 2012.

Well, I am back in Colorado after doing my big, whopping, $1.98 off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway show: Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Me, Rabbi Sol Solomon. We did five performances at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a playhouse so off the beaten path, the Bermuda Triangle goes there to vacation.

But somehow, people made it to the theater on East 26th Street. They came to see me talk about Jewish life, religion, the middle east, assimilation, the Holocaust and other hilarious topics for a night at the theater. My musical director, Richard Shore, and I, had a marvelous time rehearsing, playing, cutting, trimming, making the best show we possibly could for the least amount of money we could possibly get away with.

Well, my friends, there is no accounting for taste, which is why I am shocked but delighted to say that Shalom Dammit! the stage show received its first review – and it’s a rave! And not like one of those raves where teenagers lick yellow decals and then start shtupping the walls – no! Our show in New York got a review so good, I’d like to cover it with sour cream and eat it with a soup spoon.

It’s by Elizabeth Ahlfors, of CityCabaret.com, and it’s published on TotalTheater.com. Now: full disclosure – Dave Lefkowitz, the host of this show, also works for TotalTheater.com and he edits the writing of Elizabeth Ahlfors for publication. Their dealings are purely professional, so apart from some bribery money changing hands, her review is absolutely heartfelt and legitimate. Which is more than I can say for my show.

If you don’t believe me, read the full review of Shalom Dammit! at TotalTheater. In it she says things like – and I quote – “A comedy, a passionate sermon, a witty diatribe, a musical. It’s all of the above – in full-volume yelling.” Me? Yelling? She must have me confused with . . . every other middle-class Jewish man in the world.

Ms. Ahlfors also says about me that I’m “ebullient, angry (because why shouldn’t I be?), opinionated, outspoken, supremely self-confident and hilarious!” No one’s called me hilarious since that time I farted on the bimah during Yom Kippur. And let’s face it, that’s an easy gag for a captive audience.

She closes her big review with the best line of all: “Shalom Dammit!, with all its fervor and fury, is a good time.” That’s a money review, ladies and gentleman. And I paid good money for it.

So now we shall see the next step in the commercial path of Shalom Dammit!. We may come back in April and do a couple more shows. We may hit a fringe festival or two . . . because my tallis has award-winning fringes. Or who knows? We may play the occasional Jewish center, nursing home or women’s prison.

If you saw Shalom Dammit! in New York and you agree with this review, do your part! Tell family and friends and people you no longer want to be your friends that you can’t wait to see Shalom Dammit! in your bedraggled town or village. You must know people with money – you’re Jewish! Tell them a couple of hundred dollars they can be investors and gain the satisfaction of knowing they’ll never see that money again, but they’ll have helped spread yiddishkeit, love and possibly herpes to theatergoers all over America.

My thanks go out to Elizabeth Ahlfors, the brilliant, insightful critic; to Richard Shore, to Richmond Shepard, to Bill the stage manager and Jeff the box-office boychick, and to everyone who visited the Richmond Shepard Theater to partake in Shalom Dammit! the show.

Not to paraphrase Hitler but: today East 26th Street, tomorrow West 26th Street!

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway hit!

Note: here is the review: http://www.totaltheater.com/?q=node/4470

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #38 (2/19/2012): Shalom Dammit Live in NYC!

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #38 (2/19/2012): Shalom Dammit Live in NYC!

aired Feb. 18, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgs2DrV7tN4.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 19th, 2012.

(sings, to “Molly Malone”)

“Alive, alive oyyy…
Alive, alive oyyy
Come see me, I’m acting
Alive, alive oyyy.”

Remember a few weeks ago, I did my one man show at the University of Northern Colorado? Of course you don’t; nobody remembers anything anymore. But I’m reminding you. I did a workshop production of my show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, in Greeley, Colorado, just to get an idea whether people would tolerate it.

Well, not only did most audiences tolerate it, some even endured it! Which is why I am bringing my show, Shalom Dammit!, to the next step. I’m gonna do it off-off-Broadway for a week in March, and I’m inviting you all to come.

Shalom Dammit! is a one-man, two-person show with comedy, music and a lot of yelling. It’s my sermon on the problems and joys – but mostly problems – of American-Jewish life in the twenty-first century. I teach the audience some words in Hebrew and Yiddish – words like schmuck and tuchas and pastrami! Ahhhh… pastrami.

I also talk about world religions in a deeply introspective and insulting way. I delve into the middle-east conflict and come up with my hands dirty. Filthy actually. Extremely unsanitary And I touch on such touchy topics as the Holocaust, anti-Semitism, Jews for Jesus, assimilation, alienation and constipation. As you can see, some content is not suitable for children, or anyone for that matter, but hey, it’s New York, so I have to be edgy.

My onstage musical director will be Richard Shore, a talented man who actually went to Harvard and got a doctoral degree from Boston University. See mom? I don’t have to BE a Jewish doctor . . . I got one working for me!

And just in case funny songs and intellectual content and comedy aren’t enough for you, there’s multi-media – I do a PowerPoint. There’s improvisation – I answer your stupid questions. And there’s love, because goddammit, that’s what I’m all about.

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon plays March 13 to 17, at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a sweet little playhouse at 309 East 29th Street near 2nd Avenue. If you blink, you miss the place – so don’t blink!

My show plays only one week, starting March 13th. Tuesday at 2, Thursday-through-Saturday at 2, Wednesday at 7:30. Tickets are only $18. Chai! And if you’re in school or old enough to wear dignity pants, you get a $3 student or senior discount.

Buy your tickets now at brownpapertickets.com. Go figure we’d have a ticket service that sounds like used toilet tissue. Brownpapertickets.com.

And visit ShalomDammit.com for more information about my wonderful show. See it before it gets to Broadway and the only ones who can afford it are goyische anti-Semites with corporate charge accounts.

Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon at the Richmond Shepard Theater. It’s the next-best thing to Moshiach.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway star!

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29405

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

Aired Feb. 4, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 5th, 2012.

Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Groundhog poked his tuchas outside the ground and declared that we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter. A gloomy prediction, especially since three days later, Colorado got its first snowstorm in a month and a half.

So in order to brighten your damp and precipitative week, I thought I would share some jokes with you – jokes of a Jewish nature.

The first concerns Sadie, an old Jewish woman, working for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her, showing her everything God gave him.

Sadie looks, and looks, and looks, and finally she sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? We learn two things, both of them contradictory – which is par for the course with virtually everything Talmudic. First, we learn that concentrating, and focusing on what you know best can sometimes protect you from harm. Sadie zoning in on the raincoat instead of the man’s puckel might have spared her embarrassment or shock or even rape. And so, when we are at work and trying to finish a task, if we apply ourselves to that – instead of getting caught up in office politics and gossip and bad advice – we are more likely to complete the job in front of us.

On the other hand, the joke also tells us there is something sad about Sadie. Here’s an old woman, so beaten down by life and work that she doesn’t even notice a naked man poking his peter at her punim. We must not get so wrapped up in our daily burdens, or, for that matter, our hobbies and addictions, that we become oblivious to the wangs in front of our eyes.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. To quote Walt Whitman, “I am large. I contain multitudes.” I just wish I could contain my urine better but, that’s my problem. On to another joke – this one about an old man.

He’s in the hospice, he’s dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says. “Tell me the truth. In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent.

“Rivka? Did you hear me? I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the – ? Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I’m dying. I would just like to know. During our marriage, did you ever schtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried. What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

This is a charming little joke about sex and death, two things that obsess most Jews and gave Woody Allen a career. Perhaps we learn from this joke that we all have to answer for our actions at one point or another. If not today, maybe in a month. If not in a year, maybe in our final days. Maybe in olam haba. So it’s a caution that whenever we embark on doing something that maybe we shouldn’t – maybe we shouldn’t.

Okay, last joke, perfect for the season. Little Yussi is a Russian immigrant, and he’s sitting in grammar school and trying to keep up in English.

The teacher says, “Class: it’s vocabulary time. Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word. Cultivate. Use it in a sentence. Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi. What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

I didn’t say it was a good joke, I just said it was a joke. One could even say it’s a kosher spin on that old line about the weather in Mexico: chili today and hot tamale. Also, it’s a reminder that puns, although specific to a language and dialect, are universal in their power to trick us and make us go, “ohhhhyy, I hate puns.” And if we can all be brought a little closer together through our hatred and disgust, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29411

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.

Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.

Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.

For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

All, right, all right, I’m driving.

“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”

Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .

“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”

I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.

“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right, do what you want, it’s your funeral.”

Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:

“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.

Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”

Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:

“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”

The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores like Aphmau Merch Shop, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.

“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t cheat you on the cold cuts.”

My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.

Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29446