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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #10 (3/27/2011): Tsunami Tweet

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #10 (3/27/2011): Tsunami Tweet

click above to listen (audio file)

aired March 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rN. youtube: https://youtu.be/XxqV1jT8YD8

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 27th, 2011.

My congregation has been asking, “Rabbi, when are you gonna talk about Japan? It’s such a huge calamity, when will we hear your thoughts about the earthquake, the tsunami, the nuclear plant – where are your words of wisdom?

My dear friends, what can I say? A tragedy is a tragedy. What can a human being say about an event that is beyond the scope of human understanding? Granted, I’ll bet some World War II veterans are thinking, “At last! Pearl Harbor payback!” But if the world truly worked like that, the tsunami would have hit Berlin. Followed by a tornado, locusts, a polio epidemic and a fast-moving iceberg.

No, sometimes, as in Japan, these things just happen, and we can only guess at the motivations of HaShem and the universe. As the Yiddish phrase goes: men tracht, und gott lacht – man makes plans, God laughs.

And speaking of laughter, what I really wish to discuss in this Rabbinical Reflection is the overreactions to reactions to the disaster. People make a few bad jokes, and the wrath of political correctness is upon them.

I speak specifically of Gilbert Gottfried, beloved voice of the Aflac duck. He’s fired from that job because of his Twitter tweets or, in his case, quacks. He makes a joke about breaking up with his girlfriend – but it’s okay because, as they say in Japan, another one will be floating by any minute.”

This is funny. It amuses me. But even if it didn’t, Gilbert Gottfried is not a psychologist; he’s not a scientist; he’s not a schoolteacher. He’s a comedian. And he’s a comedian best known for making another funny joke that bombed – about September 11th – and then saving the evening by telling yet another joke: “The Aristocrats” – the most vile, crude, sexually explicit, violent, vulgar, perverted, disgusting joke ever written. And if you want to hear it, give me a call on my cell `cause I have my own version, and it kills. Not to give it away, but in mine, the father brings in two camels and an enema bag. Priceless.

But getting back to Aflac: the insurance company does a lot of business in Japan, so when Mr. Gottfried let his fingers move a little faster than his brain, they gave his career a karate chop. Do I think this was justified? No, their judgment was just as poor as his. They may be contractually in the legal right, but can you imagine hiring anyone else to do the same quack? In fact, if it’s the same quack, Mr. Gottfried can sue for imitation. So it would have to be a different but similar quack.

I could do it: “Aflac.” “Aflac dammit!” It’s just not the same.

Nobody likes actor switcheroos. The only time it ever worked was when “Bewitched” got another Darrin, and that was only because Dick York was crippled by a bad back. I only hope, if they do hire another actor, Aflac’s campaign is crippled by a bad hack.

I’m all for sensitivity. To quote Mel Brooks, “I’ve got sensitivity coming out the blow-hole.” But I’m tired of political correctness running amok. From NPR to Charlie Sheen to that anti-Semite French designer. You can’t have a personal conversation anymore without somebody spitting it back to the media to make you look like a schmuck.

And jokes? To fire a comedian because he makes jokes? A comic understands better than anyone the natural tendency of humans to mix schadenfreude with “thank God it wasn’t me.”

I hope no one at my temple is so humorless as to target me if I make a joke or two. Even a shameful, tasteless joke. Such as: what is the only meal you can get in Japan? A big shake, then tuna melt.

That’s terrible! Or asking, why is a Japanese supermarket like a Taco Bell burrito? Neither has any actual food in it.

How dare I find humor in this! Or in a joke like – What do Japanese power-plant workers have in common with court-martialed U.S. Marines? They both got burned by the corps.

Or what’s the difference between a nuclear meltdown and cancer? Ehhh..about 15, 20 years.

Such dark, unfeeling jokes! Like: did you hear about all the Japanese went through a massive religious conversion. They were Buddhists; now they’re quakers.

Shame! Shame! How dare I ask: how many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They don’t need light; they’re all glowing.

What a sick, heartless, joke that is. Or even worse: Why are they nicknaming the tsunami victims New Kids on the Block? Because they’re washed up overnight.

My friends, I do not tell these jokes to be funny. Thank goodness because, well, you’ve heard the jokes. I tell them in solidarity with Gilbert Gottfried and 50 Cent, and anyone else who saw yet another catastrophe in the world and went, “what can you do but laugh?”

Well, you can give to charity, you can write sympathy cards, you can help mobilize relief efforts; but still, you should be able to have a giggle. Because, like it or not, life is a cycle, and one day the joke will be on you.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Domo arigato.

—> https://shalomdammit.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/rabbinical-reflection-japan-32711/

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rN

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/26/2011): RUSTY WARREN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews musical comedienne Rusty Warren

Topics include: comedy, music, party records.

Segment originally aired March 26, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2011 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired March 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-CzdJjq9kY

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 13th, 2011.

How times change! It used to be, if I was sick to my stomach, I would get gas. Now, I look at the price of gas and get sick to my stomach.

Thirty five years ago, this country went through a so-called gas crisis. After millions of centuries with animals and humans finding different sources of energy, suddenly we were out of fuel. Prices at the pump went through the roof, there were shortages, lines around the block – anybody remember filling your gas tank on odd-and-even days? I’ve had my share of odd days, and I still wanna get even.

But then we learned that although fuel is not an inexhaustible resource, we still had a tushie-load more of it than the government, the Arabs and the ecologists were telling us.

The 1970s gas crunch was a manufactured crisis; the oil conglomerates said “jump,” and we jumped. Our president was too busy worrying how to deal with the Arabs… to deal with the Arabs. So, like the mouse biting the elephant, OPEC sank its teeth into their favorite enemy: us.

But did Americans learn anything from the Jimmy Carter catastrophe? Did we conserve, demand more efficiency, do ANYTHING differently? Of course not.

In fact, for the next three decades, the unholy trinity – General Motors, Ford and Chrysler – went to the American public and said, “You know what you need? Hummers, stretch limos and SUV’s.” Cars that use enough oil in a day to run a banana republic for a month. And these banana-oil salesman made their case. American families bought cars large enough to house Chinese families. In a matter of months, you’d look around parking lots and there were no sedans anymore, just all-utility vehicles. You’d see a teenager driving a schoolbus and you’d think to yourself, “Why is a teenager driving a schoolbus?”, and then you’d realize, it’s his goddamn car!”

So what happens then? People forget about the 1978 gas crisis until…we get the worst president since Mr. Peanut, George W. Bush. Not only does he hate the Arabs and make war on the Arabs, but he’s financially in bed with the Arabs and stands to make a fortune from oil. Magically, oil prices go up.

And people bite the bullet, we manage, we hunker down – until the big recession of 2008. Don’t listen to the media when they say the recession was caused by unstable mortgages, insider trading, terrorism, taxes – I’ll tell you what made the economy tank – our tanks! As soon as gas hit $4 a gallon, wham went the wallets, whump went the purses, and clink went the padlocks on foreclosed businesses and houses.

After three years of economic misery, only now are we starting to taste fudge at the end of the tunnel. Unemployment might be easing, and we’re seeing new jobs – and I don’t just mean three-dollars-an-hour jobs at Nike for a dozen undocumented people all named “Jose.”

But what happens then? The Middle East goes meshuggeh, and gas goes gaga. Let me tell you something. I’m no Alan Greenspan (although we do share the same nose), but I will predict the next recession. If gas goes over 4 bucks a gallon, kiss the recovery
bye-bye.

Not three dollars and ninety-eight cents; we’ll handle that because we’re used to getting shtupped, and we’ve been expecting it anyway. 3.99 – fine. But one penny over four dollars, and the toilet flushes. Again. No travel, no vacations, no big-screen TV’s, no expensive gifts for your favorite Hebrew spiritual leader…

“But Rabbi,” I hear you say, because I have very good ears, “We know, we know! The question is: what can we do about it?”

I say, if mobs of Arabs can overthrow their dictators, we can at least kick our democratically elected dictators where it hurts. No need for torches, marches, massive rallies – yet. For now, everybody get out your pens, your papers, your postcards – because we’re gonna write to the putzes in power. Not these long editorials from “concerned citizens”; those are as boring as the genealogical chapters in Leviticus.

We keep it simple. “4.01 and you’re out.” If gasoline climbs even one cent over four bucks, we will remember in November and give your job to another slob.

This message must go to everyone – from the President of the United States to the Melonville county clerk to the class president of Grover Cleveland Middle School. Doesn’t matter what the party affiliation is – the Republican Party, the Democratic party, the Donner Party, the Rent is Too Damn High Party – every single person in power. Send it to the CEO of your bank, the head of every Fortune 500 companyopolis, the captain of your softball team. 4.01 and you’re out.

Somewhere, among the millions of people receiving this message, will be someone who gets the message. If not, well, I hope you have a skateboard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Fill `er up – halfway.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/12/2011): DAN BERN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews singer-songwriter Dan Bern

Topics include: folk music, protest songs.

Segment originally aired March 12, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

click above to listen (audio only)

aired March 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCkMKFLV5M

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 6th, 2011.

We’re innocent! Innocent, I tell you! We didn’t do it!

And it’s taken only one thousand, nine hundred and 78 years for the goyim to believe us.

Pope Benedict the 16th’s new book, “Jesus of Nazareth” – not to be confused with his previous book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl” – the Pope’s new book officially exonerates the Jews of killing Jesus. His holiness writes that there is no biblical or theological basis to the claim that Jews are responsible for murdering Christ.

Now, Benedict is not the first Pope to say this. Fifty years ago, Pope John the 23rd drafted – and Pope Paul the 6th signed – a decree that says Catholics should respect all other religions, and that Jews are off the finally hook for the J.C. rap. It was a generous but generic gesture, like saying, “Deep down, we still think you did it, but we can’t prove it so…bygones.”

The difference here is that Benny goes into great legal and logical detail on how the Jews couldn’t possibly be guilty on this, then or now.

Personally, I’ve always been shocked and offended by the accusation that I killed Jesus. I’ve never killed anyone in my life. I would like to. I have a wish list. Like this guy who cut me off on the parkway yesterday. Doesn’t look, doesn’t signal, he’s on a cell phone –this guy: hand me the nails! But Jesus? A little before my time.

Now, according to the great big book of myths, or as other people like to call it, “The New Testament,” Jews were angry at Jesus and asking the Romans to get rid of him.

He was annoying, he was making trouble with the authorities, he was healing people, but then they’d die of secondary infections. So assuming the Jesus story did happen, let us grant that Jews may have fomented an atmosphere unconducive to the son of Mary. But they didn’t kill him any more than the Spice Girls killed John Lennon.

As a matter of fact, it says very clearly in the Gospels that Jesus was tried by the Jewish courts and then handed over to the Romans. The Romans mocked him, tortured him, dragged him through the streets and crucified him. Not the Jews – the Romans.

Well, that solves the mystery! Who lives in Rome? Italians. So why haven’t we spent 2000 years blaming Italians for the crucifixion?

Ten’ll get you twenty, it was the Mafia. Think about it. The Romans were always asking for tax payoffs and tributes from anyone in their territory. The Romans were known for eating and drinking freely, and then orgies, like the guidos on “The Jersey Shore.” And when it came to Jesus – first he was subject to a conspiracy, then they made him an offer, but he refused; then he was betrayed with a kiss – just like Michael and Fredo in “Godfather II.”

Since 33 AD, blame for the crucifixion has been diverted away from the Guineas, to the Sheenies, and, until very recently, the Vatican has been complicit in the cover-up.

Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, so if the Italians did murder him, it’s no fringe off my tallis. But to think of the crusades, the Holocaust, the Mel Gibson tirades – all of this could have been ameliorated by some pope, somewhere, going, “I know it’s fun to blame the Jews, and they do make lousy tennis partners, but the Jesus thing: it wasn’t them. Get over it.”

And to think, the Pope who breaks the silence spent his early years in the Hitler Youth. That’s like Ted Nugent becoming a spokesman for PETA. It’s like Osama bin Laden joining the B’nai Brith. It’s like Fred Phelps changing from a civil-rights activist into a homophobic madman. Oh wait, that one actually happened.

Anyhoo, I give due credit to Pope Benedict for doing his part to refute an old lie. Will it make any difference to anti-Semitism? Will it stop hate crimes and skinheads and venomous postings on the web? Please, we have a better chance of Messiah coming next week wearing a girdle, a football jersey and a strap-on.

But kudos to Papa Benny, because to help instead of hurt is always a good thing, especially since the jury will forever be out on who really killed Jesus. I dunno, but am I the only one who saw O.J. Simpson’s white limo leaving the scene?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus nabisco.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32932

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s7

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/5/2011): ELLIOT TIBER & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews “Taking Woodstock” author Elliot Tiber

Topics include: Yiddish theater, directing, off-Broadway.

Segment originally aired March 5, 2011 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.

Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2011 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #6 (2/26/2011): Charlie Sheen

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #6 (2/26/2011): CHARLIE SHEEN

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired February 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32940 Youtube: Rabbinical Reflection #006 – Charlie Sheen

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 27th, 2011.

Chaos, turmoil, madness, uncontrolled rebellion – no, I’m not talking about Libya, I’m talking about Charlie Sheen. The handsome but unprincipled actor who makes Lindsey Lohan look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Shtetl.

After yet another stay in rehab – ooh, that must have been a tough three days – Sheen pronounced himself fit as a fiddle and ready for work.

Just what CBS wanted to hear about their hit show, “Two and a Half Men.” Only Charlie Sheen’s idea of being ready for work is vilifying his boss – the show’s creator – on syndicated radio.

He called producer Chuck Lorre an earthworm, a maggot, and a charlatan – which is pretty strong stuff to call anyone who isn’t a lawyer.

But okay, who among us hasn’t said terrible things about their boss? I once called the chief of the Southeast New England Board of Rabbis a douchebag. Because he was. But I didn’t do it in public. I did it quietly, behind his back, the way you’re supposed to insult people.

More upsetting in the latest Charlie Sheen incident is his migration into Mel Gibson mode. In Sheen’s rant, and apropos of nothing, the actor repeatedly calls Chuck Lorre by his birth name, “Chaim Levine.” Sheen claims he did it as a way of calling out the real man, instead of the guy’s phony Hollywood persona. Too bad it sounded like Sheen saying, “Here’s another Jew using his money and power to abuse poor, underpaid actors.”

Yes, Chuck Lorre did change his name from Chaim Levine. Just like Archie Leach switched his name to Cary Grant, and Arthur Rosenberg magically became Tony Randall.

But in this day and age, what kind of pathetic loser would change his name to make it less ethnic and more saleable in Hollywood? Gee, Carlos Estevez – d’ya think there’s a possibility changing your name to Charlie Sheen got you playing boyfriends and lotharios instead of Mexican drug dealers and auto mechanics? Just ask your brother Emilio how much work his name got him.

Now I’m not in agreement with concealing your heritage, but sometimes you do what you have to do, to get a job. For example, when I first started looking for a job as a rabbi, I had to change my real name. What synagogue would hire Fergus O’Malley?

No, I’m kidding, but seriously; it is not surprising to hear anti-Jewish slurs tumble from the mouth of a Sheen. Charlie’s father, Martin, has been a longtime Palestinian sympathizer. He even appeared at a right-of-return rally alongside Ralph Nader and Susan Sarandon back in 2000. Yeah, let’s give Palestinians right of return – as soon as Americans have right of return to the 93rd floor of the World Trade Center.

Anyway, CBS-TV has finally said, “goodbye Charlie” and halted production on “Two and a Half Men,” which should really be called “A-Man-and-a-Half and a Moron.”

Meanwhile, the moron believes that he has successfully completed rehab – no problem with alcohol, no problem with drugs, no problem with beating the crap out of prostitutes. Come to think of it, no wonder Martin Sheen is pro-Arab: his son would make a great Libyan dictator!

Perhaps I’m being cruel. From watching “Celebrity Rehab,” I know addiction is terrible, and the nasty things Charlie Sheen says are just his disease talking. Then again, if diseases could talk, my hernia would have its own blog.

I do not wish ill on Charlie Sheen. I do not wish well on him, either. We can pretty much stop hoping he’ll ever be a “Two-and-a-Half Mensch,” but at least he could grow up and get some real help. Why, he could even go to the Chabad people – a telethon his own father has pitched for.

And if Charlie feels like calling the Chabadnicks by their Jewish names, I’m sure they won’t mind.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): PRESIDENTS DAY

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): Presidents Day

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired February 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 20, 2011.

Happy Washington’s Birthday everybody. No, wait – Happy Lincoln’s Birthday everybody. No – wait, make that Happy Presidents Day. Who the hell knows what day it is?

Back in olden times, George Washington’s birthday was celebrated on February 22nd because it was … wait for it… George Washington’s birthday! What could be simpler? Venerate this important statesman on the actual day of his birth.

But everybody knows the best holidays fall on a Monday. If you keep Washington’s Birthday on the 22nd, there’s only a one-in-seven chance of scoring a three-day weekend. Politicians fixed this problem by moving the holiday one week earlier. Leave it to the Federal Government to ensure Washington’s Birthday never actually falls on Washington’s Birthday. These are the people we pay to fix our sewers.

Anyway, let’s not forget about Lincoln’s Birthday, February 12th. God forbid we should have two national holidays so that working people get two days off in the middle of godforsaken February. No, even though Lincoln’s Birthday was never officially shlunked into Washington’s, most people assume Presidents Day covers both these guys.

But who’s to say it doesn’t cover more? Some of the founders of Presidents Day intended it to honor the office of the presidency, rather than any particular leader. But does that mean, when we celebrate Presidents Day, we’re glorifying Warren G. Harding? Richard Nixon? Jimmy Carter? George W. Bush? I’d sooner celebrate Bernie Madoff’s birthday!

Why couldn’t we leave things the way they were? Celebrate a holiday on the holiday. I feel bad for Lincoln; I really do. He’s like the goyische kid whose birthday falls on Christmas Eve. So all his relatives bring him one present instead of two – but it’s a slightly nicer, more expensive gift because it covers both occasions. They think this is fairness. When the kid grows up, he should tell the relatives, “You know.. years from now, when you’re lying in a nursing home, I would have come to visit twice a year, but instead, I’ll come once, but I’ll stay ten minutes longer. Cheap bastards.”

Speaking of goyim, you notice – they don’t touch Christmas. The other holidays they move like backgammon chips, but Christmas, no. Or New Year’s Day – but that one at least has a built-in safety. Nevertheless, I’m sure there’s a schmuck politician out there who’s thinking, “January 1st would be so much more convenient on December 28th.” Only thing stopping the madness is the calendar.

Christmas, on the other hand – why not move it? Who knows when Jesus was actually born, if Jesus was actually born. So keep New Year’s Day, and move Christmas to July. This way the goyim can put up their decorations without freezing their balls off, we get a nice Federal holiday between Memorial and Labor Day, and Jews wouldn’t have to keep explaining to our children why Christmas and Chanukah have nothing in common.

Well, except the fat guy who comes into people’s houses for a nosh while they’re asleep. One is Santa Claus, the other is crazy uncle Mort who needs a restraining order.

And as for Presidents Day – well, if we set aside one holiday for every president who wasn’t a disaster, you’d need half a dozen days. So lumping all the leaders into Presidents Day does have its logic. In fact, why not add Statesman Day? That way, you could honor all these noble speakers – Martin Luther King, Madeleine Albright, Mister Rogers – without going through the controversies: “oh, this one’s an adulterer, that one’s too liberal, this one wears lame sweaters.”

And how about a holiday dedicated to the guy who put all the holidays on Mondays? For the sake of three-day weekends and half-a-day Fridays, the guy who disregarded birthdays, anniversaries, bombings, assassinations, all in the name of commerce, convenience and white sales. We should find out who this guy is and celebrate his birthday… whenever.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32945

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #4 (2/12/2011): Egypt

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #4 (2/12/2011): Egypt

click above to listen (audio file only)

Aired February 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/vAiG4Xajf30

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 13, 2011.

Well, it’s been a quiet week in the Middle East . . . nothing much going on there. (laugh) Is there ever quiet in the Middle East? In the Arab world, quiet is when they send only two missiles a day into Israel instead of the usual five.

But of course, these past three weeks, the world has been watching Egypt with a mixture of excitement, hope, fear and “oy, is gas four dollars yet?”

Doesn’t it figure that the one country Israel gets along with, the one country that has been a stable, peaceful neighbor for 30 years is the one that goes tohu-va-voho crazy? Does Iran go berserk, does Libya? No. Egypt is where they riot in the streets.

And they got what they wanted; Hosni Mubarak stepped down. One day before he quit, he sneaked away to a fancy resort. Got himself a massage, maybe a nice pedicure, calls Al Jazeera and says, “Okay, I’m done. I was gonna leave in a couple of weeks anyway. Help you guys transition to…whatever it is you’re transitioning to. But the people have spoken, and the regime is broken.” He’s probably shopping for a condo in Fort Lauderdale as we speak.

But of course, the big question is: what’s next? Mubarak’s vice president is trying to hold power – good luck on that. And as we ideally interpret the situation in the Western World, we hear the chant: “Democracy! Democracy! A democratic government by and for the people.” Crap, we don’t even have that here!

But do ya think they’ll even get that there? If and when Egypt does hold an election, the top candidate is gonna be backed by an outfit called the Muslim Brotherhood. I don’t mind the Brotherhood much, it’s the Muslim I’m worried about.

The Muslim Brotherhood is an organization across the Arab world that supports Muslim Sharia law as the law of the land. Supposedly, they’re non-violent, as opposed to Hamas, or Al Qaeda, or your typical Irish soccer fan. If we believe their press releases, they are a harmless, moderate, political group – like Shriners with different turbans. If we believe history, they’re anti-West, anti-Israel, ultra-religious – and just waiting for their day in the sun.

The question is not, “will Egypt become a Muslim state?” but “When they’re a Muslim state, will they march into Czechoslovakia?”

Now, I hate to sound pessimistic because I am, by nature, such a fun-loving goddamn bon vivant. So I will say this: when Anwar Sadat first came to the peace talks all those years ago, I didn’t trust him one bit. After all, 1979 was only six years after the Yom Kippur War, when Egypt and Syria picked the holiest Jewish day of the year to sneak-attack Israel. We kicked their asses, of course, but what were we to make of Sadat suddenly cramming an olive branch between his teeth? How do you trust the untrustable?

Except, of course, and to his everlasting credit, he kept his word. Egypt stopped attacking Israel. And Israel kept its word, too. We didn’t attack Egypt. Well, we weren’t attacking Egypt to begin with, but such is the unbalanced balance that passes for fairness in the Middle East.

My point, though, is that Mubarak also kept Sadat’s word. Maybe he was a dictator, maybe his economics didn’t trickle down to the people, maybe he was a western puppet. All I know is, now that the strings are cut, we’d love to see this puppet replaced by Jerry Mahoney, King Friday, even Kukla.

So why does my gut tell me we’ll end up with Chucky?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://shalomdammit.wordpress.com/2011/02/12/39/

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=38040

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #3 (1/29/2011): Taco Bell

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #3 (1/29/2011): Taco Bell

Aired January 29, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://youtu.be/7PpPBBQCz-8

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 30th, 2011.

In 1984, an adorable old biddy named Clara Peller took the nation by storm when she asked, “Where’s the beef? Where’s the beef?”

At the time, she was peeking under hamburger buns, looking for a sandwich as delicious and meaty as what she got at Wendy’s. Other fast-food chains, the commercial was saying, were stingy with the steer and padding their patties with fillers and fixin’s.

Last week, a new question was asked – this time of Taco Bell. Instead of “Where’s the beef,” the new question is, “What in God’s name is the scheiss you’re stuffing in a taco?” It’s a subtly different question, but an important one, because a group of lawyers is now suing Taco Bell. Why?

According to the USDA, to call something beef, it has to be at least 70 percent meat, and the rest can be fat. If it’s only 50 percent meat and 50 percent fat, it’s filler. Or Seth Rogen.

To be called even a beef product, it has to contain at least 40 percent actual meat.

The lawyers suing Taco Bell say that the Mexican-food chain uses a beef-like mixture that is only 35 percent meat. The other 65 percent is…..not.

Not that all the extra ingredients are bad – there’s soybeans, oats, wheat, fiberglass insulation – but if you, the consumer, are ordering beef, you should be guaranteed that at least two thirds of what’s going in your tummy is the ground-up remains of a murdered cow.

Taco Bell has denied filling its tacos with filler. They say the attorneys are simply underestimating their secret mix of beef, spices, beef helper, beef helpless, vermin excrement and marginally beef-related objects.

Now you may ask, Rabbi, why are you weighing in on this controversy? Aren’t you Kosher?

No. I enjoy dipping a shrimp-flavored ham sandwich into a glass of milk as much as the next guy. Probably more. But even if I were as Kosher as I am irritating, would I not feel an obligation to protect the stomachs and anuses of my fellow man?

Let us not pre-judge too harshly. Who among us has ventured into Taco Bell expecting a gourmet meal? In fact, who among us hasn’t been tempted to peek inside a Taco Bell burrito and then stopped ourselves, thinking, “nooo…sometimes it’s best not to know.”

And let’s be honest: even the highest-quality Mexican food can cause a person to crap like a dying gorilla.

I, myself, have been to Mexican take-out places where if you order more than 15 dollars, they throw in an extra roll of toilet paper.

My God, you know why they use re-fried beans? They couldn’t fry them right in the first place.

And there’s a reason the initials of Taco Bell’s Mexi-Melt are M&M. They melt in your mouth AND in your pants.

Now, I enjoy diarrhea as much as the next guy. Probably more. And there’s something very organic about a kind of food that looks exactly the same coming out as it did going in.

But we must demand honesty of our merchants. If you fill your quesadilla from a case o’ sawdust, we have a right to know.

And so, only time – and the courts – will show whether Taco Bell can stop this unfortunate smear campaign, or if this campaign can stop unfortunate smears.

But my friends, this lesson extends to our personal lives and interactions. How often do we give only 35 percent of ourselves, when we could give 50, or 90, or the much-quoted but mathematically disturbing 110?

Do we really listen when we have a conversation? At work, do we drudge away while keeping one eye on the clock, one eye on youtube, and one eye on the window? When being intimate with our spouse, do we think about her, or about that hot little blonde girl with the low-rise jeans and the overbite at the Rite Aid? You know, the one who always wears those pink sweaters and lots of rings and has those three piercings in the left ear – no, no, the right ear. Oh, yes.

But shame on you…for neglecting your wife! Why are you giving her filler, when you should be giving her your meat? And wife, are you being fully honest about what has filled your taco?

And so I say unto Taco Bell and to you, my dear listeners, you can either improve your fare, or, if you keep dishing out the same drek, at least be honest about it. If you do, I will keep patronizing Taco Bell, just as I did today for lunch. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drop a chalupa.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. ¡Olé!

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