ARCHIVES – RABBI SOL SOLOMON – Page 60

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #13 (4/24/2011): Easter

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #13 (4/24/2011): Easter

Aired 4/23/11 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgmT5qW-5Vc

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon, with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 24th, 2011.

April 24th is a big day for our Christian brethren because it is Easter Sunday, the day that commemorates Jesus rising from the dead. According to the story, Jesus was crucified, pulled off the cross, and buried in a tomb. Three days later, they move away the rock – because that’s what you always do after you bury someone, you go back in and make sure they’re dead – and lo and behold, no corpse. The cave was empty.

And then, depending on which gospel you read, Jesus started appearing to his followers. He returned from the dead and visited his old pals. He saw the apostle Peter, and Paul, and Thomas – the famous “doubting Thomas.” Jesus said to him, “You don’t believe I’m dead? Stick your fingers in my wrist holes.” That’s actually in the book of John. Jesus telling Thomas, “You don’t think it’s me? Why don’t you blow in my feet like an ocarina? What? Disgusting? I spend seven hours bleeding to death on a cross, and you don’t wanna get goo on your face? Forget `doubting Thomas’; I’m gonna call you `asshole Thomas.’ How do you like that, ha? Pussyboy asshole Thomas. Now shut up and put your thumb in my ankle.”

I dunno. Obviously, I don’t believe in the whole resurrection thing, or any part of the Jesus story. But what intrigues me is the accepted idea that Jesus rose on the third day, and on the 40th day, he ascended to heaven. That leaves 37 days – nearly a month and a half – when he’s the walking dead, strolling around Bethlehem and wherever.

Wouldn’t that have been enough time to…I dunno…do anything? The gospels are very cryptic about his whereabouts all those weeks. Which is another reason they’re so suspect. If somebody rose from the dead, wouldn’t you follow them everywhere? Wouldn’t you take notes on every single thing they did? Instead: one visit here, an appearance there, a possible sighting in New Mexico.

And what if you were Jesus coming back to earth – what would you do? Was he still wounded? If he was part-human; maybe he went to a hospital, got himself re-hydrated, a couple of splints, maybe a chest x-ray.

And when he felt better… I don’t think they had guns in those days, but don’t you think he would’ve grabbed a sharp sword and gone looking for some people?

If I were Jesus, I’d be like, “Hello, there. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t see my face. You were too busy looking at my back while you were whipping it 39 times. Ohhh..no hard feelings. You were just doing as you were told. But, see, I’m the son of God now. So you have two choices: I can either put this sword through your head, or you can take me to Herod, and then I’ll put this sword through your head. Who? Pilate? Oh, I’ve been to Pilate. His courtroom, as a matter of fact. Let’s just say I put his gavel in a very interesting place.”

Now, see? If the New Testament read like that, I’d believe in it. Here you’ve got the son of God coming back with six weeks on earth to wreak havoc, get revenge, maybe get a little somethin’-somethin’ from Mary Magdalene. Or the reverse – maybe he uses his post-mortem super powers to unite everyone on the planet, prove that he’s divine and turn the whole world Christian.

But no. He comes back, a few people see him, and then he goes off to God. What a wasted opportunity! Which is why I’d sooner believe in the Easter Bunny than Jesus. But that’s just me. I certainly wish our goyische friends and neighbors a happy holiday, with lots of good family gatherings and frilly bonnets and chocolate bunnies.

Although speaking of food, it does occur to me that if the last supper was, as they say, a Passover Seder, that means for his final days on earth, Jesus could eat only Kosher-for-Pesach meals. Forget all the other tortures of the crucifixion; can you imagine how constipated he was? That poor bastard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #12 (4/10/2011): Killer Whale

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #12 (4/10/2011): Killer Whale

Aired April 9, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: Rabbinical Reflection #12 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StApRbPeamA

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 10th, 2011.

If I go to a pet store and bring home a poisonous rattlesnake, at some point, if I make one little boo-boo, I’m dead.

I could feed it a thousand times with no problem. But there’s gonna be one time that I’m dangling a tasty mouse in front of the snake. The mouse wriggles away, I instinctively grab for it, and my hand goes in the terrarium. Before you can say Moishe Rabenu, a pair of venomous fangs will sink into my knuckles. At which point, my hand will swell up bigger than J-Woww’s boobies, and my blood would be so contaminated, you’d think I’d gotten a plasma transfusion from Rip Torn.

Is there a moral to this story? Yes. This is why we don’t bring home poisonous snakes.

But tell that to the yutzes who keep snakes and lizards and tarantulas and have no problem until the day they have to evacuate the whole apartment complex because a cobra’s on the loose.

Much as I sympathize with the agony Roy Horn must have felt when they were re-attaching his face, I still would have shouted into his reconstructed ear: “IT’S A TIGER! That thing with stripes on it and razor-sharp claws? It’s not a goldfish. It’s not a puppy, you moron, it’s a tiger. It’s a man-eating tiger. Now I know you’ve been eaten by men before, but this is different!”

And so we come to the story of Dawn Brancheau, a pretty, athletic young girl who was a trainer at Sea World in Florida. In February 2010, she was doing her usual act with Tilikum the Whale. You know: roll over, jump for the fish, ride on your back, thrash me underwater until my lungs explode. That kinda thing.

As you may recall, Dawn Brancheau slipped in the water, and Tilikum went into a frenzy. By the time he was done, Dawn was dead.

Shocking and horrifying for the spectators; public-relations nightmare for Sea World. After all, if it weren’t for putting wild things in captivity and making them perform like Dumbo, Sea World would just be a fish-tank with a gift shop. So what did they do?

Despite the fact that Tilikum drowned one trainer, and was involved in the deaths of two previous trainers, they not only put the whale back in public view, but onstage! As of last week, Tilikum was once again flipping, rolling, dancing, doing magic tricks and reciting passages from Othello.

Oh sure, new safety measures have been put in place. Like trainers can’t wear ponytails anymore – which I know makes all the difference. But how many people does this demon dolphin have to murder before Sea World thinks, “Ya know… Maybe we should have a laser show instead?”

I mean, the name of this mammal is Orca – killer whale. This stupid fish has a reputation so violent, they put “killer” in its name. Nobody says, “The depressed and vaguely poetic whale.” Or, “come see the mathematically gifted and hilariously flatulent whale!” No, it’s a killer whale. It kills! It kills trainers. If it had a rifle with a telescoping lens, it would kill presidents.

And you can say, “Oh, they’ve worked with Tilikum. He’s had a year’s hiatus from performing, he’s been in confinement, he’s been punished.” Let me tell you what he’s been doing for a year – that fish has been lifting weights, making weapons out of mackerel bones, he probably joined the marlin brotherhood… We should not be trusting this animal no matter what precautions they think they’re taking.

Look at Jaws. Scary, wonderful movie, but there’s one piece of logic that you have to check at the door when you see it: If you don’t go in the water, you’re fine. You could dance a jig ten feet from the shoreline; all the shark can do is growl at you and give you the middle fin. Now granted, the shark had to be dealt with because fishermen, cruises, coast-guard patrols need to be in the water. But nobody needs to see a fish twirl a basketball. It is a non-essential activity.

And so here’s my recommendation if we really want Tilikum to be a productive member of society: take him to Japan and let the whalers have at `im. It’ll be a fair fight, and if he loses, you get to feed a million homeless earthquake victims on blubber.

As for Sea World, well, you take a frog, you put him in a dress and you make him jump through a hoop. Hours of entertainment, and nobody gets hurt.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Ribbit.

—> https://youtu.be/StApRbPeamA

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=30802

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #11 (4/3/2011): Circumcisions

click above to listen (audio file)

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 3, 2011.

Japan, Libya, Syria, Gaza – all this going on, so what makes headlines? A guy in San Francisco who wants to ban circumcisions. Lloyd Schofield is trying to collect seven thousand signatures to put the issue up for a vote in November. If it passes, people will have to drive all the way to Orange County to get their bananas peeled.

Mr. Schofield claims he opposes circumcision on human-rights grounds, and that cutting off the foreskin is a cruel and pointless mutilation – especially when you’re doing it to babies who have no say in the matter.

I do not disagree with any of this. If I woke up one day to find a Rabbi hoisting me in his arms and giving me two drops of wine while his pen-knife does a rotato on my shmeckel, I’d be screaming, too.

Both sides of the issue claim health benefits. The anti-bris contingent says it’s traumatizing and causes nerve damage, and that at best, it’s cosmetic, elective surgery. And let’s face it – Jewish men are not black men; we need all the inches we can get. If I were a talking baby, I’d say, “Leave the penis, take the nose!”

The pro-circumcision group say that doing a cockwork orange is more sanitary, more aesthetically appealing, and has a lower risk of HIV, Chlamydia and penile cancer. Those findings are in dispute, but I have to say the idea of standing in the shower doing a smegma check every week is not my idea of a good time. Of course, if it’s a 22-year-old blonde doing the checking, I could be persuaded.

But if we take health off the table, we’re left with a brief but painful process that is done in the name of tradition. Like having relatives over on the holidays.

Can we replace the circumcision, a covenant stretching back millennia, with a new, harmless ceremony? After all, so much of what we do in Judaism is metaphorical. When we spill wine on Passover, this represents the ten plagues and the blood that was spilled when we vamoosed from Egypt. It’s not like we have to go out every Pesach and kill an Arab. Although with the missiles coming from Gaza right now, sometimes I’m tempted…

On Chanukah we light the menorah to symbolize the drop of oil that burned for eight days in the great temple. So why can’t we take a baby, have him wear a little condom, and then the mohel yanks off the Trojan and says, “Ut! This is to commemorate what we used to do to baloney ponies for 5,000 years.”

As you can see, I sympathize with Lloyd Schofield’s argument. When we hear about African tribes slicing their women’s privates like mango chunks, we react with horror. And I’ll be honest, if a grown man came to me and said, “Rabbi, I wanna convert. I’ll do the Bar Mitzvah, and I’m willing to skin the flute,” my first response would be, “Are you suuuuuure? I mean really sure? `Cause if you think peeling an onion makes you cry…”

And yet, for all the reasonable challenges to circumcision, I can’t throw the baby out with the pee-water. Maybe there was something our forefathers knew that we don’t; maybe there is a real covenant between us and God that has to be symbolized by a painful whack to the wang; maybe we have no business messing with a tradition that someone found valuable because hospitals do it automatically no matter what religion you are?

I say, until you can categorically prove that circumcisions are unhealthy, leave `em alone. Give parents the right to choose as they wish for their children, and for their children’s yogurt hoses. Or, as Dooley Wilson would sing:

You must remember this:
A bris is still a bris
A baby’s gonna cry
So what if there’s some blood upon his thigh?
We don’t ask why.

And though some skin he’ll miss
He still can take a piss
And let the semen fly
So take a tip…from this Rabbi
And just comply.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

So if you have a boy
And if he’s not a goy
Then kiss his flap goodbye
At least he keeps his pink whale eye
And stays a guy.

Aaaaaand…cut.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=30807

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #10 (3/27/2011): Tsunami Tweet

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #10 (3/27/2011): Tsunami Tweet

click above to listen (audio file)

aired March 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rN. youtube: https://youtu.be/XxqV1jT8YD8

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 27th, 2011.

My congregation has been asking, “Rabbi, when are you gonna talk about Japan? It’s such a huge calamity, when will we hear your thoughts about the earthquake, the tsunami, the nuclear plant – where are your words of wisdom?

My dear friends, what can I say? A tragedy is a tragedy. What can a human being say about an event that is beyond the scope of human understanding? Granted, I’ll bet some World War II veterans are thinking, “At last! Pearl Harbor payback!” But if the world truly worked like that, the tsunami would have hit Berlin. Followed by a tornado, locusts, a polio epidemic and a fast-moving iceberg.

No, sometimes, as in Japan, these things just happen, and we can only guess at the motivations of HaShem and the universe. As the Yiddish phrase goes: men tracht, und gott lacht – man makes plans, God laughs.

And speaking of laughter, what I really wish to discuss in this Rabbinical Reflection is the overreactions to reactions to the disaster. People make a few bad jokes, and the wrath of political correctness is upon them.

I speak specifically of Gilbert Gottfried, beloved voice of the Aflac duck. He’s fired from that job because of his Twitter tweets or, in his case, quacks. He makes a joke about breaking up with his girlfriend – but it’s okay because, as they say in Japan, another one will be floating by any minute.”

This is funny. It amuses me. But even if it didn’t, Gilbert Gottfried is not a psychologist; he’s not a scientist; he’s not a schoolteacher. He’s a comedian. And he’s a comedian best known for making another funny joke that bombed – about September 11th – and then saving the evening by telling yet another joke: “The Aristocrats” – the most vile, crude, sexually explicit, violent, vulgar, perverted, disgusting joke ever written. And if you want to hear it, give me a call on my cell `cause I have my own version, and it kills. Not to give it away, but in mine, the father brings in two camels and an enema bag. Priceless.

But getting back to Aflac: the insurance company does a lot of business in Japan, so when Mr. Gottfried let his fingers move a little faster than his brain, they gave his career a karate chop. Do I think this was justified? No, their judgment was just as poor as his. They may be contractually in the legal right, but can you imagine hiring anyone else to do the same quack? In fact, if it’s the same quack, Mr. Gottfried can sue for imitation. So it would have to be a different but similar quack.

I could do it: “Aflac.” “Aflac dammit!” It’s just not the same.

Nobody likes actor switcheroos. The only time it ever worked was when “Bewitched” got another Darrin, and that was only because Dick York was crippled by a bad back. I only hope, if they do hire another actor, Aflac’s campaign is crippled by a bad hack.

I’m all for sensitivity. To quote Mel Brooks, “I’ve got sensitivity coming out the blow-hole.” But I’m tired of political correctness running amok. From NPR to Charlie Sheen to that anti-Semite French designer. You can’t have a personal conversation anymore without somebody spitting it back to the media to make you look like a schmuck.

And jokes? To fire a comedian because he makes jokes? A comic understands better than anyone the natural tendency of humans to mix schadenfreude with “thank God it wasn’t me.”

I hope no one at my temple is so humorless as to target me if I make a joke or two. Even a shameful, tasteless joke. Such as: what is the only meal you can get in Japan? A big shake, then tuna melt.

That’s terrible! Or asking, why is a Japanese supermarket like a Taco Bell burrito? Neither has any actual food in it.

How dare I find humor in this! Or in a joke like – What do Japanese power-plant workers have in common with court-martialed U.S. Marines? They both got burned by the corps.

Or what’s the difference between a nuclear meltdown and cancer? Ehhh..about 15, 20 years.

Such dark, unfeeling jokes! Like: did you hear about all the Japanese went through a massive religious conversion. They were Buddhists; now they’re quakers.

Shame! Shame! How dare I ask: how many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They don’t need light; they’re all glowing.

What a sick, heartless, joke that is. Or even worse: Why are they nicknaming the tsunami victims New Kids on the Block? Because they’re washed up overnight.

My friends, I do not tell these jokes to be funny. Thank goodness because, well, you’ve heard the jokes. I tell them in solidarity with Gilbert Gottfried and 50 Cent, and anyone else who saw yet another catastrophe in the world and went, “what can you do but laugh?”

Well, you can give to charity, you can write sympathy cards, you can help mobilize relief efforts; but still, you should be able to have a giggle. Because, like it or not, life is a cycle, and one day the joke will be on you.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Domo arigato.

—> https://shalomdammit.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/rabbinical-reflection-japan-32711/

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rN

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/26/2011): RUSTY WARREN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews musical comedienne Rusty Warren

Topics include: comedy, music, party records.

Segment originally aired March 26, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2011 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #8 (3/13/2011): Gas Prices

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired March 12, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-CzdJjq9kY

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 13th, 2011.

How times change! It used to be, if I was sick to my stomach, I would get gas. Now, I look at the price of gas and get sick to my stomach.

Thirty five years ago, this country went through a so-called gas crisis. After millions of centuries with animals and humans finding different sources of energy, suddenly we were out of fuel. Prices at the pump went through the roof, there were shortages, lines around the block – anybody remember filling your gas tank on odd-and-even days? I’ve had my share of odd days, and I still wanna get even.

But then we learned that although fuel is not an inexhaustible resource, we still had a tushie-load more of it than the government, the Arabs and the ecologists were telling us.

The 1970s gas crunch was a manufactured crisis; the oil conglomerates said “jump,” and we jumped. Our president was too busy worrying how to deal with the Arabs… to deal with the Arabs. So, like the mouse biting the elephant, OPEC sank its teeth into their favorite enemy: us.

But did Americans learn anything from the Jimmy Carter catastrophe? Did we conserve, demand more efficiency, do ANYTHING differently? Of course not.

In fact, for the next three decades, the unholy trinity – General Motors, Ford and Chrysler – went to the American public and said, “You know what you need? Hummers, stretch limos and SUV’s.” Cars that use enough oil in a day to run a banana republic for a month. And these banana-oil salesman made their case. American families bought cars large enough to house Chinese families. In a matter of months, you’d look around parking lots and there were no sedans anymore, just all-utility vehicles. You’d see a teenager driving a schoolbus and you’d think to yourself, “Why is a teenager driving a schoolbus?”, and then you’d realize, it’s his goddamn car!”

So what happens then? People forget about the 1978 gas crisis until…we get the worst president since Mr. Peanut, George W. Bush. Not only does he hate the Arabs and make war on the Arabs, but he’s financially in bed with the Arabs and stands to make a fortune from oil. Magically, oil prices go up.

And people bite the bullet, we manage, we hunker down – until the big recession of 2008. Don’t listen to the media when they say the recession was caused by unstable mortgages, insider trading, terrorism, taxes – I’ll tell you what made the economy tank – our tanks! As soon as gas hit $4 a gallon, wham went the wallets, whump went the purses, and clink went the padlocks on foreclosed businesses and houses.

After three years of economic misery, only now are we starting to taste fudge at the end of the tunnel. Unemployment might be easing, and we’re seeing new jobs – and I don’t just mean three-dollars-an-hour jobs at Nike for a dozen undocumented people all named “Jose.”

But what happens then? The Middle East goes meshuggeh, and gas goes gaga. Let me tell you something. I’m no Alan Greenspan (although we do share the same nose), but I will predict the next recession. If gas goes over 4 bucks a gallon, kiss the recovery
bye-bye.

Not three dollars and ninety-eight cents; we’ll handle that because we’re used to getting shtupped, and we’ve been expecting it anyway. 3.99 – fine. But one penny over four dollars, and the toilet flushes. Again. No travel, no vacations, no big-screen TV’s, no expensive gifts for your favorite Hebrew spiritual leader…

“But Rabbi,” I hear you say, because I have very good ears, “We know, we know! The question is: what can we do about it?”

I say, if mobs of Arabs can overthrow their dictators, we can at least kick our democratically elected dictators where it hurts. No need for torches, marches, massive rallies – yet. For now, everybody get out your pens, your papers, your postcards – because we’re gonna write to the putzes in power. Not these long editorials from “concerned citizens”; those are as boring as the genealogical chapters in Leviticus.

We keep it simple. “4.01 and you’re out.” If gasoline climbs even one cent over four bucks, we will remember in November and give your job to another slob.

This message must go to everyone – from the President of the United States to the Melonville county clerk to the class president of Grover Cleveland Middle School. Doesn’t matter what the party affiliation is – the Republican Party, the Democratic party, the Donner Party, the Rent is Too Damn High Party – every single person in power. Send it to the CEO of your bank, the head of every Fortune 500 companyopolis, the captain of your softball team. 4.01 and you’re out.

Somewhere, among the millions of people receiving this message, will be someone who gets the message. If not, well, I hope you have a skateboard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY. Fill `er up – halfway.

—> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s0

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32927

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/12/2011): DAN BERN & Rabbi Sol Solomon

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews singer-songwriter Dan Bern

Topics include: folk music, protest songs.

Segment originally aired March 12, 2011 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #7 (3/6/2011): The Pope

click above to listen (audio only)

aired March 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCkMKFLV5M

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 6th, 2011.

We’re innocent! Innocent, I tell you! We didn’t do it!

And it’s taken only one thousand, nine hundred and 78 years for the goyim to believe us.

Pope Benedict the 16th’s new book, “Jesus of Nazareth” – not to be confused with his previous book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl” – the Pope’s new book officially exonerates the Jews of killing Jesus. His holiness writes that there is no biblical or theological basis to the claim that Jews are responsible for murdering Christ.

Now, Benedict is not the first Pope to say this. Fifty years ago, Pope John the 23rd drafted – and Pope Paul the 6th signed – a decree that says Catholics should respect all other religions, and that Jews are off the finally hook for the J.C. rap. It was a generous but generic gesture, like saying, “Deep down, we still think you did it, but we can’t prove it so…bygones.”

The difference here is that Benny goes into great legal and logical detail on how the Jews couldn’t possibly be guilty on this, then or now.

Personally, I’ve always been shocked and offended by the accusation that I killed Jesus. I’ve never killed anyone in my life. I would like to. I have a wish list. Like this guy who cut me off on the parkway yesterday. Doesn’t look, doesn’t signal, he’s on a cell phone –this guy: hand me the nails! But Jesus? A little before my time.

Now, according to the great big book of myths, or as other people like to call it, “The New Testament,” Jews were angry at Jesus and asking the Romans to get rid of him.

He was annoying, he was making trouble with the authorities, he was healing people, but then they’d die of secondary infections. So assuming the Jesus story did happen, let us grant that Jews may have fomented an atmosphere unconducive to the son of Mary. But they didn’t kill him any more than the Spice Girls killed John Lennon.

As a matter of fact, it says very clearly in the Gospels that Jesus was tried by the Jewish courts and then handed over to the Romans. The Romans mocked him, tortured him, dragged him through the streets and crucified him. Not the Jews – the Romans.

Well, that solves the mystery! Who lives in Rome? Italians. So why haven’t we spent 2000 years blaming Italians for the crucifixion?

Ten’ll get you twenty, it was the Mafia. Think about it. The Romans were always asking for tax payoffs and tributes from anyone in their territory. The Romans were known for eating and drinking freely, and then orgies, like the guidos on “The Jersey Shore.” And when it came to Jesus – first he was subject to a conspiracy, then they made him an offer, but he refused; then he was betrayed with a kiss – just like Michael and Fredo in “Godfather II.”

Since 33 AD, blame for the crucifixion has been diverted away from the Guineas, to the Sheenies, and, until very recently, the Vatican has been complicit in the cover-up.

Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, so if the Italians did murder him, it’s no fringe off my tallis. But to think of the crusades, the Holocaust, the Mel Gibson tirades – all of this could have been ameliorated by some pope, somewhere, going, “I know it’s fun to blame the Jews, and they do make lousy tennis partners, but the Jesus thing: it wasn’t them. Get over it.”

And to think, the Pope who breaks the silence spent his early years in the Hitler Youth. That’s like Ted Nugent becoming a spokesman for PETA. It’s like Osama bin Laden joining the B’nai Brith. It’s like Fred Phelps changing from a civil-rights activist into a homophobic madman. Oh wait, that one actually happened.

Anyhoo, I give due credit to Pope Benedict for doing his part to refute an old lie. Will it make any difference to anti-Semitism? Will it stop hate crimes and skinheads and venomous postings on the web? Please, we have a better chance of Messiah coming next week wearing a girdle, a football jersey and a strap-on.

But kudos to Papa Benny, because to help instead of hurt is always a good thing, especially since the jury will forever be out on who really killed Jesus. I dunno, but am I the only one who saw O.J. Simpson’s white limo leaving the scene?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus nabisco.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32932

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2s7

Dave’s Gone By Interview (3/5/2011): ELLIOT TIBER & Rabbi Sol Solomon

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews “Taking Woodstock” author Elliot Tiber

Topics include: Yiddish theater, directing, off-Broadway.

Segment originally aired March 5, 2011 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Note: Elliot Tiber passed away 8/3/16.

Note: Interview segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2011 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #6 (2/26/2011): Charlie Sheen

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #6 (2/26/2011): CHARLIE SHEEN

click above to listen (audio file only)

aired February 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32940 Youtube: Rabbinical Reflection #006 – Charlie Sheen

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 27th, 2011.

Chaos, turmoil, madness, uncontrolled rebellion – no, I’m not talking about Libya, I’m talking about Charlie Sheen. The handsome but unprincipled actor who makes Lindsey Lohan look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Shtetl.

After yet another stay in rehab – ooh, that must have been a tough three days – Sheen pronounced himself fit as a fiddle and ready for work.

Just what CBS wanted to hear about their hit show, “Two and a Half Men.” Only Charlie Sheen’s idea of being ready for work is vilifying his boss – the show’s creator – on syndicated radio.

He called producer Chuck Lorre an earthworm, a maggot, and a charlatan – which is pretty strong stuff to call anyone who isn’t a lawyer.

But okay, who among us hasn’t said terrible things about their boss? I once called the chief of the Southeast New England Board of Rabbis a douchebag. Because he was. But I didn’t do it in public. I did it quietly, behind his back, the way you’re supposed to insult people.

More upsetting in the latest Charlie Sheen incident is his migration into Mel Gibson mode. In Sheen’s rant, and apropos of nothing, the actor repeatedly calls Chuck Lorre by his birth name, “Chaim Levine.” Sheen claims he did it as a way of calling out the real man, instead of the guy’s phony Hollywood persona. Too bad it sounded like Sheen saying, “Here’s another Jew using his money and power to abuse poor, underpaid actors.”

Yes, Chuck Lorre did change his name from Chaim Levine. Just like Archie Leach switched his name to Cary Grant, and Arthur Rosenberg magically became Tony Randall.

But in this day and age, what kind of pathetic loser would change his name to make it less ethnic and more saleable in Hollywood? Gee, Carlos Estevez – d’ya think there’s a possibility changing your name to Charlie Sheen got you playing boyfriends and lotharios instead of Mexican drug dealers and auto mechanics? Just ask your brother Emilio how much work his name got him.

Now I’m not in agreement with concealing your heritage, but sometimes you do what you have to do, to get a job. For example, when I first started looking for a job as a rabbi, I had to change my real name. What synagogue would hire Fergus O’Malley?

No, I’m kidding, but seriously; it is not surprising to hear anti-Jewish slurs tumble from the mouth of a Sheen. Charlie’s father, Martin, has been a longtime Palestinian sympathizer. He even appeared at a right-of-return rally alongside Ralph Nader and Susan Sarandon back in 2000. Yeah, let’s give Palestinians right of return – as soon as Americans have right of return to the 93rd floor of the World Trade Center.

Anyway, CBS-TV has finally said, “goodbye Charlie” and halted production on “Two and a Half Men,” which should really be called “A-Man-and-a-Half and a Moron.”

Meanwhile, the moron believes that he has successfully completed rehab – no problem with alcohol, no problem with drugs, no problem with beating the crap out of prostitutes. Come to think of it, no wonder Martin Sheen is pro-Arab: his son would make a great Libyan dictator!

Perhaps I’m being cruel. From watching “Celebrity Rehab,” I know addiction is terrible, and the nasty things Charlie Sheen says are just his disease talking. Then again, if diseases could talk, my hernia would have its own blog.

I do not wish ill on Charlie Sheen. I do not wish well on him, either. We can pretty much stop hoping he’ll ever be a “Two-and-a-Half Mensch,” but at least he could grow up and get some real help. Why, he could even go to the Chabad people – a telethon his own father has pitched for.

And if Charlie feels like calling the Chabadnicks by their Jewish names, I’m sure they won’t mind.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.